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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It's my money and I'll spend it ...

387 replies

OldAgeWorries · 07/09/2022 10:50

I'd really like to get your opinions on my slightly odd marriage set up. I don't know how I've ended up here and think I'm pretty conventional but this situation is far from the norm. I'll try to keep it short but with all relevant info.

We're married and mid-40s. Second time for both he has young adult children and I don't. We've been together about 10 years in total. Married for five. We earn roughly around the same and I helped him with some of the costs for his children when they were with us but I never paid any of his child maintenance (by that I mean I paid half towards days out, birthday presents, holidays that sort of thing) . I had no part in his first marriage break-up.

He's inherited a substantial sum from an unmarried great aunt - somewhere in the region of 5 x years worth of our joint salaries. Not life changing or enough to retire on but still a nice and slightly unexpected bonus. He was not close to the aunt and didn't see her regularly so this sad occasion doesn't have a huge emotional toll (sorry if that sounds harsh I think it would be different if it were a closer family member).

We have a small mortgage which we've always overpaid to protect us in old age as neither or us thought there would be any inheritance from anywhere and too much fun in our 20s (and children in his case) meant little pension provisions until much too late.

This money is his and he's made this very clear. (I know we're married so I think it's both if we split). I have no intention of splitting with him though. He's buying a fancy new car. He's paying off some small credit card debt and going on a boys holiday! I have no problem with the holiday this was planned but I also have a small debt (£5.5k) and for him to pay this off for me wouldn't make a big dent in his money. My car is fine so I don't need a new car. We don't have joint accounts and never have. We always earned almost the same so apart from his child costs we were equal. I now feel he's punishing me for not contributing to his child maintenance when he was paying. Both kids are now working full time (no Uni).

AIBU to think he's being incredibly selfish or is he right and the money is his to do what he likes with? I don't think he has plans to give his kids any of it at this point but they are looked after in his will (as they should be).

OP posts:
mumto2teenagers · 07/09/2022 11:44

I would be annoyed if DH inherited money then said it was his to spend how he liked, but our financial set up is very different to yours.

We have a joint account, salaries go in, bills go out and whatever is left is ours to spend as a family. I inherited some money from my grandmother a few years ago, we discussed it and decided how to spend it together, went on holiday, replaced our family car and the rest was saved, some in a joint account and some was put into savings accounts for our children. I always saw it as our money and not just mine.

Leftbutcameback · 07/09/2022 11:45

Is the small debt your student loan? I only ask because people tend to see that differently than say Cc debt

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 07/09/2022 11:45

How did the set up of you paying half his children's costs come up? Did he ask or did you offer?

fruitbrewhaha · 07/09/2022 11:47

Why are you overpaying your mortgage, which currently has the lowest interest rates ever known, but not paying off credit card debts with high interest rates?

I would ask him.

If he said no I would concentrate on paying the £5.5k off ASAP. So no money for meals out, Christmas, nice food or overpaying the mortgage. And then I would see what he does. Will the penny drop that you exist together and it would be boring if you had no spending money, or will he do his own thing spending his own money?

thing47 · 07/09/2022 11:48

My DH unexpectedly inherited a similar amount a few years ago @OldAgeWorries. Here's what he did:
Paid off mortgage
Paid off any loans/debts (including credit cards) either of us had
Bought a family car (which in fact I use mostly as I drive to work and he doesn't; he gave me the final choice of car)
Took family (5) on a long-haul holiday to a destination which had lots of family connections
Invested the rest.

The treat he gave himself is that he loves going to live music, and he now gets tickets to anyone he wants to see without worrying too much about the cost. He takes me if it's someone I'm interested in 😀

Oh and DCs were left money as part of same inheritance so he didn't give them any extra, but he has helped them invest it in various different ways.

HTH

GabriellaMontez · 07/09/2022 11:48

It's really mean.

It sounds like you haven't discussed it?

I would raise it. I'd ask if he'd thought about giving some to his adult children. I'd suggest he took us on holiday. And point out that if things were the other way round I wouldn't have hesitated.

Why haven't you discussed it? You're entitled to an opinion even if you don't agree.

Musti · 07/09/2022 11:51

So for the last 10 years you’ve paid half of days a it, holidays and gifts etc to his children. That must amount to more than the debt if you add it all up.

I don’t think I could stay with someone who was mean like that. Just indulging himself and not even treating you or paying off some of the mortgage or giving it to his kids.

It is telling that the first thing he does when he comes into money is buy himself a car and arrange a lads holiday. Wtf??

Raul57 · 07/09/2022 11:53

A good marriage is one of love and joint enterprise with some give and take.
Spending money as one half wishes is not a big deal if you have millions and can afford it. Otherwise, one needs to consider the family and the future of keeping a roof over the family's head/etc.

FYI, a few years ago I bought a car for 60k plus - intially i was looking at 40k - but my OH and the adult child that lives with us wanted me to have the 60k+ car - i was outvoted and we could afford it so it was a joint decision as we always go via a vote on large spends

Pinkdelight3 · 07/09/2022 11:53

Equally baffled but not my place to interfere. Perhaps he is and I haven't been told.

Oh okay, that's different. So you don't actually know that he hasn't given his DC some of the money, just as you haven't actually asked him to pay off your loan (or the mortgage come to that). It's so so weird not to discuss these things, but given that you don't and everything is so separate, it's not really a shock he sees it as his money and your debt. If indeed that is how he sees it. He might just not have given it a thought and you haven't mentioned it to him, so at most he might think it's a small debt that you had a plan to pay back and everything's fine.

I wouldn't jump to any conclusions without even having a conversation with him. What are you scared of - after 10 years, and all else being well, why not just ask?

TeoLeftSocksWithHoles · 07/09/2022 11:53

If I was in that position I would pay off the mortgage (or a big chunk of it) and I would redirect the money 'saved' on the monthly mortgage payments into our pensions, plus you don't pay tax on payments to pensions (to a point) so you can put that 'tax saving' in there too.

TheClitterati · 07/09/2022 11:54

He's spending it like a single man would.

Which tells you a lot.

roarfeckingroarr · 07/09/2022 11:55

@thing47 what a lovely man. Does he have any brothers / friends Grin

YellowTreeHouse · 07/09/2022 11:56

You have chosen not to share finances, so of course he shouldn’t have to offer to share with you.

You can’t have it both ways.

Original poster
OldAgeWorries · 07/09/2022 11:56

I'm not overly happy with the judgements but this is AIBU so I suppose I have to take the rough with the smooth.

I have never expected anything from him and won't start now. I just think it's mean of him. To the poster who suggested I should have to pay half his childcare I disagree strongly. I contributed more than enough to days out - they are his kids and his responsibility.

No, not a student loan, just a standard bank loan.

OP posts:
Confusion101 · 07/09/2022 11:56

I wouldn't jump to any conclusions without even having a conversation with him. What are you scared of - after 10 years, and all else being well, why not just ask?

This!!!! As usual Mumsnet would have you signing the divorce papers without even having a conversation!

Original poster
OldAgeWorries · 07/09/2022 11:57

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 07/09/2022 11:45

How did the set up of you paying half his children's costs come up? Did he ask or did you offer?

I think I offered at the start. It just became a thing.

OP posts:
MachineBee · 07/09/2022 11:58

Me and DH are on second time around too, although we both have DCs. If I had a big windfall I’d want to have some treats for me, DH and the family, but also not fritter it away. So would definitely use some of it to pay off all or part of the mortgage and other household debts.

This way it frees money up now, provides greater future financial security and could even be there for inheritances for children (assuming it doesn’t all go n elderly care fees).

Perhaps you need to decline a few meals out on the grounds that you are trying to pay off your debt (citing CoL crisis or somesuch reason) and he may offer to pay for the meals out (in which case he helps you indirectly pay off your debts). Or the penny might drop that it would be a nice thing for him to do for you and life will continue as before.

Original poster
OldAgeWorries · 07/09/2022 11:58

I can have a conversation with him I just wanted the opinions of strangers to see if my opinion was wildly out of order.

OP posts:
stepparentbingo · 07/09/2022 11:58

Firstly, this idea that you haven't helped pay any of his child maintenance - if you did any of the following then you directly contributed towards that:

  • pay half the mortgage on a property that included bedrooms for his children that you did not need or use
  • pay half of food / gas / electric / water / council tax on a larger property (see above point) for times his children used these when with you
  • did any cooking, cleaning, washing, child-minding, transporting, meal planning, shopping, buying toiletries, for his children during times they spent with you
  • paid half of holidays cost when he should have been paying 3/4
  • paid half of birthday and meals/days out costs when he should have paid either all or 3/4 of those costs.

It sounds to me like he has had you believe that you haven't contributed to maintenance, but I'm willing to bet from what you have described that you very much have by doing some or all of the things on the list.

If this is how he values you and your marriage, maybe bear in mind that if you were to divorce, all of this inheritance would go into the pot to be divided up - and the starting point would be divided equally. This is completely regardless of your current account arrangements (which btw would also be in the same pot regardless of whose name it is in).

I would be very hurt not to be included in some discussions as to how this money is spent, and would like you to realise that you have very much been subsidising his life and his children's maintenance payments over the years by taking on financial responsibilities.

ParvuliThankYouDebbie · 07/09/2022 11:59

He's not usually selfish like this but then we've never had a situation like this before

Well, he’s not been selfish before because he’s only benefited before has t he, if you helped out with costs for his children. Still, at least you what he’s really like now, up to you what you do with that information of course.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 07/09/2022 11:59

I think given that you've financially supported the children then he should acknowledge that contribution and factor that in to the inheritance.

thing47 · 07/09/2022 12:00

roarfeckingroarr · 07/09/2022 11:55

@thing47 what a lovely man. Does he have any brothers / friends Grin

Really? I just thought was normal behaviour… We're a team (most of the time!)

inmyslippers · 07/09/2022 12:01

He sounds very mean spirited

VatofTea · 07/09/2022 12:02

Is he an only child? Did he never learn to share?

ancientgran · 07/09/2022 12:03

I think it is mean, I assume this is well into six figures so paying of your loan is tiny. I've been married before and so has DH and we keep our money separate and both pay our share but if one of us has some extra e.g. got a lump sum due to an accident, then we would certainly at least treat the each other but probably just share it after paying off or reducing mortgage.