It's my money and I'll spend it ...

[OldAgeWorries]

I'd really like to get your opinions on my slightly odd marriage set up. I don't know how I've ended up here and think I'm pretty conventional but this situation is far from the norm. I'll try to keep it short but with all relevant info.

We're married and mid-40s. Second time for both he has young adult children and I don't. We've been together about 10 years in total. Married for five. We earn roughly around the same and I helped him with some of the costs for his children when they were with us but I never paid any of his child maintenance (by that I mean I paid half towards days out, birthday presents, holidays that sort of thing) . I had no part in his first marriage break-up.

He's inherited a substantial sum from an unmarried great aunt - somewhere in the region of 5 x years worth of our joint salaries. Not life changing or enough to retire on but still a nice and slightly unexpected bonus. He was not close to the aunt and didn't see her regularly so this sad occasion doesn't have a huge emotional toll (sorry if that sounds harsh I think it would be different if it were a closer family member).

We have a small mortgage which we've always overpaid to protect us in old age as neither or us thought there would be any inheritance from anywhere and too much fun in our 20s (and children in his case) meant little pension provisions until much too late.

This money is his and he's made this very clear. (I know we're married so I think it's both if we split). I have no intention of splitting with him though. He's buying a fancy new car. He's paying off some small credit card debt and going on a boys holiday! I have no problem with the holiday this was planned but I also have a small debt (£5.5k) and for him to pay this off for me wouldn't make a big dent in his money. My car is fine so I don't need a new car. We don't have joint accounts and never have. We always earned almost the same so apart from his child costs we were equal. I now feel he's punishing me for not contributing to his child maintenance when he was paying. Both kids are now working full time (no Uni).

AIBU to think he's being incredibly selfish or is he right and the money is his to do what he likes with? I don't think he has plans to give his kids any of it at this point but they are looked after in his will (as they should be).

What happens to you if he dies? Has he made provision for you?

I couldn't live my life with someone who was stupid enough to waste that much money on a car when they can't really afford to.

I wouldn't ask , but I'd be so sad , and a little bit wary in the future , thats not the caring thoughtful person I'd want to rely on in my old age

When you're unmarried/early years of relationship, split money 50/50 for everything makes sense. When you're married and share a mortgage, I would want money to be shared equally. With a 6 figure inheritance I would share with my spouse but also enjoy some spending on myself. I would pay off both of our debts and mortgage if possible.
By always doing 50/50 up until now it makes the inheritance money more like it's his as you don't usually share. You've set yourself up to fail. What happens if you're made redundant and not earning for a while? What happens if you are long term ill and have to give up work and not earning for years? Will he retire earlier than you because he has loads of savings? I'd be worried.

I think your little loan is not really the point that needs discussing in your relationship. I’m guessing that the inheritance is about the amount of your mortgage. I think you should discuss overpaying that and what works you can do to your house to make the future energy costs affordable. This should also be a way to secure your retirement.
In principle it is his money and he can ring fence it in case you are getting divorced which is fine. I even think he should.
i had a large deposit in our house which will be mine if we split. It doesn’t make sense to pay high interest rates and high fuel costs if you have the money to reduce both. The new car is financially not a good choice. He can get a nearly new one for a lot less and will still have a nice car without the devaluation of the first mile. I hope it is an electric one as they will hold value better over the next years.

I think his attitude is incredibly selfish and potentially damaging to a relationship. It's hardly the way to build future trust and harmony. Each to their own however.

I think a leased version of what he wants to drive would work out cheaper than buying a brand new car. The depreciation as he drives it off the forecourt would more than cover the first 6 months payments.

Even looking at a year old version would be less of a ridiculous waste of money.

He sounds like whilst he has money he is going to treat you really shitty but then expect a loving wife when the money runs out. And it will do.

If you love your spouse and are not planning to split up then why wouldn’t you put the money to use that would make both of your lives so much easier.
The way he is acting looks like someone who doesn’t have any allegiance to their spouse.

I totally agree being v selfish and hurtful I feel

What pp are forgetting is that they earned similar amounts for 10 years. Neither of them had reason to expect any inheritances, as op said, so overall that arrangement as a second marriage worked for them both.
Now, out of the blue, the situation has changed and it is no longer a level playing field. How your dh has reacted to that change in dynamics is to keep you at arms length from any entitlement to the pure good fortune he's recieved .
I think paying just a small loan off isn't all he should be doing. He should be letting you choose a lovely destination for you both to holiday to and give you some money to enjoy as you please too!
Please don't sit back passively and not discuss it with him - it will build and build until the resentment you feel gets intolerable.

You need to speak to him. Tell him you want to talk as lately you can't help but feel resentment about how he's been handling this situation with the inheritance. That you don't want to let it fester and will feel better for getting it out in the open. If you had inherited money you would have loved being able to make his life easier by paying his debts, going on a family holiday and giving him some fun money. You understand his want to splash out a bit, but as he hasn't once indicated he's considered you in any plans with the money, you're feeling hurt and it's making you think about the future, what if you were to get ill or loose your job etc etc. You appreciate he is entitled to enjoy some of the money but the fact he's not once intimated including you in anything not even a holiday, it feels like you're not dh and dw and in a partnership. Ask him directly, if it had been YOU inheriting, would he have left you to it, or would he have appreciated some gestures?

No matter what he says, i GAURENTEE he wouldn't have sat by and said nothing to you spending it all on you whilst he continued paying his debts!!

🙄🧐

I get why he doesn't see it as joint money given your financial history. I have a v similar background with DH though it was me with DC and inheritance. Neither of us ever viewed my inheritance as family money as we had never had pooled finances.
But .... I made gifts to both DH snd DC from said inheritance of £10k each. I think he would be v selfish not to offer some money to you and DC from such a large pot. He maybe hadn't finalise his plans. Have you discusssed gifts to the DC - might be a useful opener.

As someone has mentioned up thread about wills. Do you know if you get to keep his half of the house if he dies first or has he left it to his children who will want you out to cash in their inheritance.

I think this behaviour and where he really places you in terms of his friends and children should act as a warning for your future
He is telling you loud and clear that you will get nothing from him.
Even if you love him I would seriously question if he feels the same way.

My Dh thought he had a very close family. It is only now looking at what has happened in the last few months that he realises what snakes they all were.
The thing is his family have been telling him what type of people they are and what they really think of him for years.
But instead of listening to me he thought I was trying to make out that his family were following the same abusive pattern as mine and he convinced himself that just wasn’t the case.

He now sees what I saw years ago and what I said would happen has come to pass.

Look at peoples actions and not what they say as that will tell you everything you need to hear.

If you are married to someone and they come into money and they love you the first thing they do is sit down and discuss what they want to do with the money. They might want to treat themselves but part of that is treating the ones they love.

The fact your dh is treating the ones he loves and that doesn’t include you speaks volumes.