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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

It's my money and I'll spend it ...

387 replies

OldAgeWorries · 07/09/2022 10:50

I'd really like to get your opinions on my slightly odd marriage set up. I don't know how I've ended up here and think I'm pretty conventional but this situation is far from the norm. I'll try to keep it short but with all relevant info.

We're married and mid-40s. Second time for both he has young adult children and I don't. We've been together about 10 years in total. Married for five. We earn roughly around the same and I helped him with some of the costs for his children when they were with us but I never paid any of his child maintenance (by that I mean I paid half towards days out, birthday presents, holidays that sort of thing) . I had no part in his first marriage break-up.

He's inherited a substantial sum from an unmarried great aunt - somewhere in the region of 5 x years worth of our joint salaries. Not life changing or enough to retire on but still a nice and slightly unexpected bonus. He was not close to the aunt and didn't see her regularly so this sad occasion doesn't have a huge emotional toll (sorry if that sounds harsh I think it would be different if it were a closer family member).

We have a small mortgage which we've always overpaid to protect us in old age as neither or us thought there would be any inheritance from anywhere and too much fun in our 20s (and children in his case) meant little pension provisions until much too late.

This money is his and he's made this very clear. (I know we're married so I think it's both if we split). I have no intention of splitting with him though. He's buying a fancy new car. He's paying off some small credit card debt and going on a boys holiday! I have no problem with the holiday this was planned but I also have a small debt (£5.5k) and for him to pay this off for me wouldn't make a big dent in his money. My car is fine so I don't need a new car. We don't have joint accounts and never have. We always earned almost the same so apart from his child costs we were equal. I now feel he's punishing me for not contributing to his child maintenance when he was paying. Both kids are now working full time (no Uni).

AIBU to think he's being incredibly selfish or is he right and the money is his to do what he likes with? I don't think he has plans to give his kids any of it at this point but they are looked after in his will (as they should be).

OP posts:

updateistakingages · 07/09/2022 11:24

Mean as ditchwater if he doesn't clear it for you!

GreenManalishi · 07/09/2022 11:24

The first thing he's doing is paying off his credit card debt, buying a fancy car, and booking a boys holiday? Well, he's alright Jack, isn't he?

Selfish prick. Sorry. Id' be fuming, I think that's outrageous! And you have been more than generous to contribute to his kids presents, and days out over the years, the child maintenance was absolutely not yours to pay, and nor should it have been expected.

JenniferBarkley · 07/09/2022 11:24

Well, if you earn similarly but he had to pay maintenance, presumably you've had more disposable income all along, but only paid for half of things? In which case I can see why he views finances as wholly separate.

But you should just ask him what his plans are and whether he'd consider it.

loveireland · 07/09/2022 11:25

How is 10x his salary not life changing?

gingertoast · 07/09/2022 11:26

Sounds as though he simply hasn't thought and you've not asked. Given you still hold separate finances I don't think he's being unnecessarily mean. First thing to do would be ask him, if he says no then that's a whole different issue

roarfeckingroarr · 07/09/2022 11:28

loveireland · 07/09/2022 11:25

How is 10x his salary not life changing?

Depends where you live I guess but it's not a sum you can retire on or charter a yacht as and when.

WimpoleHat · 07/09/2022 11:29

He’s not “unreasonable” as such….but it does show you that he doesn’t think of you as a team/unit/partnership. And that’s a pretty odd marriage to my mind. You transfer half a restaurant bill each time? I wouldn’t have done that with a flat mate when we went out regularly; we’d have roughly taken it in turns and it would come out in the wash.

I suppose you could say the “your child maintenance” point set the precedent for separate finances…..but this is extreme and I think it tells you all you need to know about where you stand.

SanaT · 07/09/2022 11:30

I suppose if you enter into a marriage where you faff around splitting restaurant bills and transferring money between each other, this is inevitably what happens...

You are married, but you have not been able to think of yourself as one financial unit. If you had, this inheritance would be automatically yours as well and it wouldn't occur to him that it wasn't.

Mischance · 07/09/2022 11:30

I am baffled about the way married couples deal with their finances. Fancy splitting the cost of a meal out! - sounds crazy to me!

When I married we got a joint account and all savings went into another joint account. It was never a matter for discussion - it just seemed the obvious thing to do. I trusted him to use our money wisely and he trusted me. We would discuss any big or out of the ordinary expenditure proposals. There were times when I was earning more and times when he was - it made no difference to the arrangement - all went into joint pot. And when we had a legacy that too went in the joint pot for us both to use.

It made life very easy when he died as far as finances were concerned.

OP - I think your OH is being mega mean. He is buying an expensive car for himself when he knows you are carrying a debt that he could easily pay off for you. Unbelievable.

loveireland · 07/09/2022 11:30

Depends where you live I guess but it's not a sum you can retire on or charter a yacht as and when.

No it isn't but on an average salary that's well over 300 grand, and to me that's a bit more than a car and a lads holiday!

Original poster

OldAgeWorries · 07/09/2022 11:31

Tlolljs · 07/09/2022 11:20

I’m baffled why he hasn’t given any to his grown up children either. That’s the first thing I’d do. Five times joint annual salary is a good whack.

Equally baffled but not my place to interfere. Perhaps he is and I haven't been told.

OP posts:

VatofTea · 07/09/2022 11:31

Given you paid for days out and birthdays and treats for his kids, and presumably ice creams and take-aways, and provided lifts here and there, then I think he is being mean.

Do you think the unexpected money has gone to his head a little?

If there is very strict financial division of bills/expenses in your relationship, then this is the norm that has built up over the years. The unexpected inheritance is unusual and perhaps it simply isn't just occurring to him to share (as the relationship dynamic is that each party is very financially independent). I think you need to suggest to him, to use the money wisely and perhaps pay down the mortgage to cut down on interest payments.

Suggest to him, it would be nice if everyone in the family could enjoy the windfall a little, suggest to him that if he squirrels away all of the money, this may create resentment which might fester.

meateatingveggie · 07/09/2022 11:33

I don't get the separate finances in a marriage either. I guess as it's always been that way you can't be very surprised this is too.

However I'd be fuming if he doesn't share at least some of it.

But then I wouldn't have been happy with your financial arrangement this far either

Herecomestreble1 · 07/09/2022 11:36

Seems a very strange thing not to mention if he has. How does this financial secrecy sit with you?

VatofTea · 07/09/2022 11:37

My brother in law inherited a similar amount of money (by the sounds of things), and he put it all into a business venture, which flopped. Didn't pay off the mortgage!?! Madness in my mind, but we can't control other people.

TabithaTittlemouse · 07/09/2022 11:37

Yabu. You haven’t spoken to him about it, he’s not said no.

Most of us wouldn’t need asking but you can’t be upset that he’s not automatically offered to pay your debt.

SanaT · 07/09/2022 11:37

Maybe he is planning to surprise you OP?

How kong ago did he actually receive the money?

Quveas · 07/09/2022 11:39

I think he's being selfish, but, unpopular as the opinion might be, I think it's his right to be if he wants. Your marriage appears to be based on each person owning their own income, and absolutely everything to do with the joint marriage being split equally, but nothing else. So this is his money. It isn't the way I might do it, or other people may do it, but it is the way you have both agreed to live, and it's a bit late to complain about it now. The fact that neither of you expected to inherit anything isn't really relevant - it was a choice you made to live financially separate lives. So wherever the income comes from, your mutual agreement was that it is that person's disposable income, and not shared.

isweartoomuch · 07/09/2022 11:41

I can't imagine not sharing it with my husband. That would be so bloody weird. I don't want him to live uncomfortably or have debt and I'd enjoy seeing him have a nice holiday. Who wouldn't?! Why marry someone if you don't have their best interests at heart.

babynoname22 · 07/09/2022 11:41

I think that's really selfish. I could just about get my head around not splitting 50/50 but to share nothing is mean. I hope that you remember this but I don't think it's how a marriage should be

Malbecfan · 07/09/2022 11:42

I think he's being mean but I don'y have an issue with how you run your finances. We had a joint bills account and credit card from day one but still maintain our own personal accounts to do with as we please.

However, he has set a precedent for future legacies. Should you happen to inherit anything, neither he nor his DC should benefit unless you choose them to.

Bitwornout · 07/09/2022 11:42

My DH and I don't have a joint account but your set up is really odd. I've never heard of married couples splitting bills in restaurants. our regular bills are split on salary percentages but everyday stuff is just paid by whichever of us has the money at that point I've just inherited a similar sum to you and although it's in investments and a savings account in my name I consider it family money. It's just paid for a holiday (DH normally pays for this as he earns more) and I've put a huge chunk on our mortgage. How are your finances sorted in terms of wills and death benefits?

JenniferBarkley · 07/09/2022 11:43

OldAgeWorries · 07/09/2022 11:31

Equally baffled but not my place to interfere. Perhaps he is and I haven't been told.

Show quote history

I just can't imagine not discussing this stuff with DH, regardless of how we worked our finances. Why don't you just ask? Sounds like he could give his kids considerable help with a deposit. Or significantly improve his pension. Why on earth wouldn't that be discussed?

mrsm43s · 07/09/2022 11:44

So when you had equal income, but he had more outgoings, you didn't share your extra money with him, but now he has more money (and still the more outgoings) you want a chunk of his money?

If you'd always worked on a "everything in one family pot - we share everything" basis, then this money should also be shared. But since you've always worked on a "what's mine is mine/what's his is his" basis (when it benefitted you) then you need to accept that this money is his.

Paranoidandroidmarvin · 07/09/2022 11:44

This happened to me. My husband got a large inheritance. We paid off a Chuck of the mortgage, put some money into savings and we each got a new car. We shared it. It would have been the same the other way round as well. If he had done what ur husband has done I would have left.

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