It's my money and I'll spend it ...

[OldAgeWorries]

I'd really like to get your opinions on my slightly odd marriage set up. I don't know how I've ended up here and think I'm pretty conventional but this situation is far from the norm. I'll try to keep it short but with all relevant info.

We're married and mid-40s. Second time for both he has young adult children and I don't. We've been together about 10 years in total. Married for five. We earn roughly around the same and I helped him with some of the costs for his children when they were with us but I never paid any of his child maintenance (by that I mean I paid half towards days out, birthday presents, holidays that sort of thing) . I had no part in his first marriage break-up.

He's inherited a substantial sum from an unmarried great aunt - somewhere in the region of 5 x years worth of our joint salaries. Not life changing or enough to retire on but still a nice and slightly unexpected bonus. He was not close to the aunt and didn't see her regularly so this sad occasion doesn't have a huge emotional toll (sorry if that sounds harsh I think it would be different if it were a closer family member).

We have a small mortgage which we've always overpaid to protect us in old age as neither or us thought there would be any inheritance from anywhere and too much fun in our 20s (and children in his case) meant little pension provisions until much too late.

This money is his and he's made this very clear. (I know we're married so I think it's both if we split). I have no intention of splitting with him though. He's buying a fancy new car. He's paying off some small credit card debt and going on a boys holiday! I have no problem with the holiday this was planned but I also have a small debt (£5.5k) and for him to pay this off for me wouldn't make a big dent in his money. My car is fine so I don't need a new car. We don't have joint accounts and never have. We always earned almost the same so apart from his child costs we were equal. I now feel he's punishing me for not contributing to his child maintenance when he was paying. Both kids are now working full time (no Uni).

AIBU to think he's being incredibly selfish or is he right and the money is his to do what he likes with? I don't think he has plans to give his kids any of it at this point but they are looked after in his will (as they should be).

😂

Dear god!! He’s nuts!! 🫣

I’m going to make a guess that the inheritance is c£250k? A quarter of a million pounds is not enough to retire on, no but it’s enough to make a serious dent into the future. Paying off the mortgage and debt creates so much freedom, priceless freedom, for you both.

In my opinion you are not being unfair. Will he discuss this? Does he appreciate the range of options he has?

Why? Because I don’t agree with you.
He’s had the Money two weeks! Two weeks.

What other costs that directly or indirectly benefitted them? You married a man with kids - they are going to come and stay in your house.

You want a medal?

You also mention that it was an old aunt who he didn’t really know?

How is that relevant?

It isn’t. You are attempting to justify why you are entitled to it by saying this.

Given how transactional you both are, why do you think he owes you this.

Why?

Maybe he can pay off his half the mortgage, this might reduce how much you still have to pay because there will be less interest. Seems mad to keep paying a mortgage when you have the money to pay it off.

Well given that he's generally quite mean with money, but is happy to take yours when he needs it, makes me feel that YANBU. Tightness is the most unattractive trait. You could ask him for all the CM you've given him back. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone who won't help you when he could?

If I came into money, the first thing I'd do is clear the debts of my loved ones.

I now feel he's punishing me for not contributing to his child maintenance when he was paying

Why on earth do you feel like that @OldAgeWorries when he’s not giving anything to his children either, so it’s clearly not personal?

The relevance of what you paid as a SM feels strangely shoe-horned in tbh. It doesn’t sound in any way like he’s punishing you and YABU to assume that without asking.

The question is why he isn’t spending any on you, his wife. Or his kids. He sounds rather financially self-absorbed or selfish. But as you’ve always split money I can also understand why he hasn’t shared. But it could also be a case of it simply not occurring to him because he’s never had to think of your finances before

In which case he’s seriously lost the plot. That’s completely bonkers. A third of it gone on something that will lose a chunk of its value the moment he drives it off the forecourt?

And surely there’s no tax to pay so why “after tax”?

*He is a bit tight, I even pay half towards my birthday meals but I thought he was just careful.

Does he pay half of his own birthday meals too though?

No I used to take him to a posher restaurant than we would normally go and pay for his birthday meal.*

This alone is outrageous. Why would you put up with it for 10 years?

He's a miser!

I agree with this. I don't understand the people saying the OP should have paid more towards his children. Usually it is said the one with children should pay more bills etc. since they are using more with their DC. But as usual SM can't do right for wrong on here. (I'm not a SM btw)

I think the fact he's known the money is coming and hasn't discussed at all how it can make both of your lives better is very selfish. Even ignoring your debt, if he hasn't mentioned any kind of treat for you as a couple it does not sound good.

I had something similar with my ex, though we weren't married and no stepkids, we did have a mortgage, kids etc. He inherited a very large amount. To be fair, he did eventually pay off some of our mortgage, and I benefitted from that. But I did find it difficult that he had oodles of money to spend on himself and gave me nothing for myself. Simply because, if it had been the other way round, I would have given him a generous present like 10 or 20 K to do what he liked with (as well as paying mortgage). I would have felt embarrassed to not do that, and then buy myself luxuries. For me, 10K would have bought me precious time off my paid freelance work to develop my own creative work, which he knew I wanted and would have meant everything to me - but it didn't occur to him.

It's not that I felt I was entitled to it or deserved it, and I certainly didn't suggest it to him. It just hurt because it's what I would have done and it made me realise he didn't see me the same way.

My DH and I have totally separate finances. I inherited some ££ (a little less than 100k) and I did contribute substantially to some renovations but other than that I kept it and didn’t clear his card. He didn’t know how much it was, but I asked him if we should share it and he said no. He will inherit nothing from his parents. He just doesn’t see my money as his money.

also, we don’t split the bill, but if he wants a dinner out, he pays and if I want a pub lunch or fish and chips, I paid. You invite: you pay. We never split the bill. I always pay for my own birthday parties. And his. He will occasionally send unasked for money if there is an issue with my car.

I earn slightly less than him but just because people have separate finances it doesn’t mean their marriages are crap.

I would never pay off my DH’s credit card as I would think he could run it up again and it would be wasted. We get on very well but have totally different approaches to money.

You sound very angry and maybe a bit overinvested in this thread? Are you okay?

If the inheritance was from a relative he didn't really know then it's basically akin to a lottery win.

I think his attitude is odd but it does sound like the two of you have a very ingrained habit of separating your finances and paying for things 50:50. It may be it just hasn't really occurred to him to treat this windfall differently. I'm not sure I would be expecting him to pay off your personal debt if you have always kept such things separate but I would certainly be expecting him to spend some the money on things that benefit you as a couple e.g. home renovations, paying down the mortgage, holiday together etc.

I don't really see how his children are relevant in any way.

Sorry, but I think you set the bar here -when you opted out of contributing to cm, (not saying that's wrong) you're effectively saying my money is mine and yours is yours

TBH he doesn’t sound very bright with money.

Cars are depreciating assets and he is spending 1/3 of the money on one which will be worth £10k less when he drives it off the forecourt.

Surely a lease car would make better financial sense.
Holidays for him and any hanger on mates.
Another worthless spending of money.

I would divorce him quickly before he makes any more frivolous purchases at least you could save some of it before it is frittered away.

My guess is he going to party with all his mates and some new ones till it is all gone. He thinks so much of his friends he’s going on holiday with them. Even if they are paying their share.
What tier of “friendship” are you on if you aren’t even getting a weekend away.

I am not sure that you have a relationship. Something would seriously piss me off if someone I was supposedly married to made it known they think more of their mates (even if all he does is buy them a round of drinks) .where as his partner he won’t even pay for a birthday dinner.

If you paid for everything 50/50 were you on exactly the same income.

I think he sounds a bit tight (especially about the birthday meals). But your finances sound VERY separate to me. I'd have the conversation with him about it because surely paying off your debt would help the household finances long term?

I meant to add, if he were my husband I think I would be more concerned about him frittering away a large inheritance on an expensive car and holidays with his mates rather than putting it into sensible investments that could make your circumstances a lot more secure as you get older. You say you don't begrudge him the car, but honestly I would!

Nothing worst than a mean husband. Honestly, I’d consider divorce in these circumstances.

YANBU. I can't believe you pay half towards your own birthday meals out but you treat him when it's his birthday. He is a tightwad and has no thought for you.

I would consider the inheritance money to be his rather than a joint marital asset but a loving spouse wouldn't want to see their other half struggling to service a debt whilst living the life of riley themselves.

It sounds like the money will be gone as quickly as it came in… and any other future spare money, too.

If it were me, I would have already left for suggesting 50/50 on my birthday… that is so mean that I am at a loss to find the words.

Sometimes, you can get the measure of a person through one action.

I have been with a miser (that is what ended the relationship), but even they were not as bad as that!

I think, given your financial set up, there’s nothing wrong with him seeing it as his money. I would, though, be hurt at a partner spending it on huge treats for himself and not treating me at all. And that he’s not giving any to his kids is kind of unattractive, too. Just all points to someone who is kind of mean underneath.

In terms of the future - it doesn’t sound like he’s going to be able to retire much before you if it’s only 5 years and he’s spending it like water now. But I would be worried, if he’s a bit of a spendthrift and you’re not, about how your joint assets are going to get used up down the line.

You pay 1/2 of your birthday meals?! I'd definitely not call your relationship conventional. It sounds like a business partnership, not a marriage.

I would say that the imbalance would make me unhappy.
Him spending on himself, holidaying by himself, making stupid purchases that only benefit himself.
Not even a small gesture of helping you with a small debt that wouldn't even make a dent in his windfall.
I would be tempted to say to him, "so this is it now, you live in one comfy but probably temporary, seeing as he is spending thoughtlessly bubble of comfort, & I carry on with my low debt existence.
You were happy that I contributed to many of your DC costs over the years, but now that you are flush, it seems that you are not even considering the smallest gesture to help US as a couple."
Its a very mean selfish husband you have.

I think you should talk to him...

Theres a good chance that he's simply thoughtless and has assumed things are the way they are and all is fine...

Or he really is a miserly tight arsed selfish bastard!

But either way, without talking to him you aren't going to resolve this.