It's my money and I'll spend it ...

[OldAgeWorries]

I'd really like to get your opinions on my slightly odd marriage set up. I don't know how I've ended up here and think I'm pretty conventional but this situation is far from the norm. I'll try to keep it short but with all relevant info.

We're married and mid-40s. Second time for both he has young adult children and I don't. We've been together about 10 years in total. Married for five. We earn roughly around the same and I helped him with some of the costs for his children when they were with us but I never paid any of his child maintenance (by that I mean I paid half towards days out, birthday presents, holidays that sort of thing) . I had no part in his first marriage break-up.

He's inherited a substantial sum from an unmarried great aunt - somewhere in the region of 5 x years worth of our joint salaries. Not life changing or enough to retire on but still a nice and slightly unexpected bonus. He was not close to the aunt and didn't see her regularly so this sad occasion doesn't have a huge emotional toll (sorry if that sounds harsh I think it would be different if it were a closer family member).

We have a small mortgage which we've always overpaid to protect us in old age as neither or us thought there would be any inheritance from anywhere and too much fun in our 20s (and children in his case) meant little pension provisions until much too late.

This money is his and he's made this very clear. (I know we're married so I think it's both if we split). I have no intention of splitting with him though. He's buying a fancy new car. He's paying off some small credit card debt and going on a boys holiday! I have no problem with the holiday this was planned but I also have a small debt (£5.5k) and for him to pay this off for me wouldn't make a big dent in his money. My car is fine so I don't need a new car. We don't have joint accounts and never have. We always earned almost the same so apart from his child costs we were equal. I now feel he's punishing me for not contributing to his child maintenance when he was paying. Both kids are now working full time (no Uni).

AIBU to think he's being incredibly selfish or is he right and the money is his to do what he likes with? I don't think he has plans to give his kids any of it at this point but they are looked after in his will (as they should be).

I’m not angry at all.
The OP said I sound immature, because I didn’t agree with her.

Not agreeing with someone doesn’t make you immature. I fail to see how after everything she’s pointed out re his kids/his responsibilities, mentioning a distant aunt etc, detailing how they have always planned their finances (which is not how I would do it, but each to their own) and then mentioning buying gifts etc for her SC (that’s not special or going above and beyond) all of this build
uP to feeling entitled.

Just imagine OP was a man and her DH was a woman. I’m which case the inheritor
would be told not to give him anything.

Maybe going forwards, both of you could add extra cash into your bills account so you don't have to split the bill on meals and you have a decent amount of joint "fun" money? That way, he might see how important it is to pool some of your funds together as a couple.

I get it's uncomfortable and awkward to broach it when he hasn't offered (which I find completely baffling and pretty mean), but you could possibly say something like, "so you're buying X, Y, Z and going on holiday with the lads which will be fun, are you going to get anything for the kids? It would be lovely if we could go away too." Then he might start realising how selfish he's being with the cash and then he may be more likely to offer to pay off your loan - or at least take you away somewhere.

I find it MAD he isn't wanting to give you anything at all?! My long-term partner occasionally gets cash payments from an old job he did six years ago and whatever the amount, it's just put in our joint account. He takes at least 35% out for tax/NI payments (he's still self employed) but the rest is joint money. Similarly, I've just won a few grand (yet to receive it but should get it soon) and it'll be going in our joint account and, after I've paid off one small credit card, it will be spent on things like the house and maybe a holiday. I couldn't imagine keeping money from my partner and not sharing it.

I hope you're okay OP, this isn't a pleasant situation at all.

There was inheritance tax on the estate, obvs paid by the deceased’s estate not DH. He inherited part of what was left, there were other beneficiaries.

Usually I'd say inheritances should be split fairly (by putting them into the mortgage/distributing to your offspring/family holiday)

I'm not sure here: It seems that you have kept your finances separate because you don't have joint children, but not completely separate, as your joint mortgage has provided a place for them to stay and you have also paid money towards his children's gifts and activities.

I'm not really sure what would be fair here, but feel that he is stingy to have an unexpected excess of money and not treat you as well. even if it was a joint treat, like a wonderful holiday. It's clear that he's happy to take whatever you offer him, but not reciprocate. If he's not treating his kids either, that's super stingy.

What happens to your share of the house when you die? Has he provided for you in his will? Does all your half to to his kids when you die?

I’m not responding to @Quincythequince anymore. She has SM issues that are not the point of this thread. She’s clearly not a SM so in no position to judge and has nothing to say I’m interested in as she sounds quite juvenile. I want to hear from others who disagree with me but not these anti step mum rants that are just projection.

I find that really awful. I know it would make me feel As though he didn’t really care about me. The first thing I’d want to do is share some with husband and pay of his debts so he could enjoy it too.

op, I hope you’re ok? I really think you should tell him how you feel. It’s not about being greedy or entitled, it’s about feeling uncared for.

I am a SM. Have been for 21 years.
My SD is 24 and has just recently moved back in with us.

Whats weird is splitting your finances the way you do. You are married so either you are together forever or if you split then everything is split 50/50 anyway so why not just pool resources from the start?

Tbh, if you've been splitting everything directly down the middle for so long then why should you have any of that money now it would work in your favour?

And LOL to being juvenile because your own financial practices have come to bite you on the bum.

Your DH doesn’t sound great tbh, although it’s only been two weeks. The distant old aunt and ‘I bought them gifts’ is very telling tbh.

But you just now feel a bit miffed as you can’t legitimately attempt to say, half is mine, when your finances have been separate for so long and you have a debt you now want him to take responsibility for.

And I’m not charging her for it, don’t want special credit for doing this (we help family when it’s needed) but nor would I stake claim to half of any inheritance my husband may or may not get, even though we share our finances completely.

If this is true then I seriously question why you would say some of the things you've said in this thread? The comment on deserving a medal for contributing to the household costs 50/50, and knowing I married a man with kids! That is pure step mum bingo. There are others but I can't be bothered to go over your posts again. You've also never commented on the step mum forum, that in itself is weird. With an adult SD you have never had reason to query anything step mum related or even, god forbid, get a little fed up at times? Please let's not turn this into a step mum problem, it's nothing to do with my relationship with my step children or my role as a SM which I've done relatively successfully and have a good relationship with them. It wasn't always easy but we lived to tell the tale.
I'm afraid I don't believe you and really am disengaging from you now.

If I inherited like this I would share it with DH without a second thought. Strikes me as really odd that he wants to enjoy it all by himself. Is he putting some of it away for a rainy day?

He sounds really awful and certainly no prize.

There is no way Inwould continue being martied to someone like that.

Perhaps if you hadn't been paying for the home, utilities, food, gifts and days out, you wouldn't have any debt.

He has shown you who he is, mean, and he is showing you how little he thinks of you.

You would be very foolish not to pay attention.

Is there an age gap between you?

But do you currently keep all your money separate otherwise?

We don't, so it would all go in the shared pile. But why should this sudden windfall be shared if up until now they have kept things so rigidly separate?

I've already commented but some of these posts suggesting you are being greedy expecting something when you have been together 10 years and married 5 are bonkers! What sad worlds these posters must live in if treating your loved ones wouldn't be the first thing that you did with a windfall.

I wouldn't like to say OP's husband is being selfish, Ithink he's been quite logical all costs are split 50/50 and any money I get in comes to my bank account and I pay costs from there. He's just carried on in the same ilk. There is a big difference between being selfish and being unthinking.
Personally it's not what I would do if I had been with someone for that long, and I would start a discussion about it If I were in the husband's siutation but that's me.

It is true.
I met her dad, my DH a year after her mum and he split.
She was, 3 and is now 24.

We had her full time for a while, as in she lives with me and her dad, in our house.

I knew he had her when we moved in together.

Its not SM bingo, it’s a fact.

I can o my imagine what I would be owed if I counted back stuff I’ve contributed to, directly and indirectly over the years.

Its point scoring and you are now tallying up what your total is in line with his now getting an inheritance.

Difference between me and you though is I have never done that, ever. I even made sure her mum got a month of two extra CS when it stopped, to help out. We paid for her university in part and living costs etc.

She now lives here, rent free, whilst she gets back on her feet after a shit time during Covid. Again, my house and as you say partially my Costs.

If my DH inherited money tomorrow from a distant aunt, I would not mentally stake claim to it. There is no tit for that here and never has been.

You said his kids, his responsibility. Fine. It’s not a wrong position to take, but it’s at odds with your current ‘part of what’s yours should now be mine’

And I didn’t turn it into a step mum problem, you did. You can’t say what you say about hair responsibilities to support when they’re his, and then just ignore that part of it.

And you can believe me or not, but it would be an elaborate tale to tell wouldn’t it.

It just makes you sound bad tbh, on all counts. He is tight, your behaviour is also questionable on different ways.

No age gap, we’re the same age.

Thanks for all the comments I’ve read them all. I appreciate all viewpoints, I wouldn’t have posted on AIBu if I’d wanted unanimous support. 83% is a strong supportive response.

I’m not a greedy person and I’m a little saddened by those remarks.

And I don’t go to the SM forum no. Because I have no problems being a SM, never have.

I only ever post in AIB on MN although LOL to your potential troll hunting here too.

You sound better and better the more you post.

To be honest going against the general grain here, but from my perspective if you have never polled money and had a shared financial baseline as a couple then I don’t think he should be expected to share his inheritance with you. Roles reversed I would be saying the same thing.

yes it would be nice of him to offer.

personally I couldn’t live like this with my husband, we share financial responsibility for everything, money is joint money, but to each their own.

Pooled*

We don't have joint accounts and never have.

There is your problem, staring you in the face...

I understand the separate finances arrangement and it seems to have worked ok in the past (except the birthday meal bit). That does make the inheritance his rather than shared money as many previous posters have pointed out and he can therefore spend it as he sees fit. The point is though is that you would very much hope that you would be one of the 'things' he would want to spend it on, whether that's paying for a great holiday, meals out or giving you a lump sum to enjoy spending on what you want (such as paying off the credit card). The fact that he's not done this is perhaps the crux of the problem.

I would have expected him to offer considering you have contributed towards the children and the cost of their upbringing. I imagine that's cost you more than 5k over the years.

not that it's tit for tat, it's just what you do as a family, I spend nearly as much on my stepkids as my own but it does seem a bit tight on his part not to suggest this for you

I was in this situation only it was me who inherited a large sum of money from my parents.

I have used some of the money for the family's benefit. Put a lot into our farm/house etc. My husband has NOT been given money to spend on what he wants and has absolutely no say in what I do with it. He's OK with this.

Married for 40 years and he was very secretive/tight about our income during those years. He knows what he's done and so he says nothing about this money.