It's my money and I'll spend it ...

[OldAgeWorries]

I'd really like to get your opinions on my slightly odd marriage set up. I don't know how I've ended up here and think I'm pretty conventional but this situation is far from the norm. I'll try to keep it short but with all relevant info.

We're married and mid-40s. Second time for both he has young adult children and I don't. We've been together about 10 years in total. Married for five. We earn roughly around the same and I helped him with some of the costs for his children when they were with us but I never paid any of his child maintenance (by that I mean I paid half towards days out, birthday presents, holidays that sort of thing) . I had no part in his first marriage break-up.

He's inherited a substantial sum from an unmarried great aunt - somewhere in the region of 5 x years worth of our joint salaries. Not life changing or enough to retire on but still a nice and slightly unexpected bonus. He was not close to the aunt and didn't see her regularly so this sad occasion doesn't have a huge emotional toll (sorry if that sounds harsh I think it would be different if it were a closer family member).

We have a small mortgage which we've always overpaid to protect us in old age as neither or us thought there would be any inheritance from anywhere and too much fun in our 20s (and children in his case) meant little pension provisions until much too late.

This money is his and he's made this very clear. (I know we're married so I think it's both if we split). I have no intention of splitting with him though. He's buying a fancy new car. He's paying off some small credit card debt and going on a boys holiday! I have no problem with the holiday this was planned but I also have a small debt (£5.5k) and for him to pay this off for me wouldn't make a big dent in his money. My car is fine so I don't need a new car. We don't have joint accounts and never have. We always earned almost the same so apart from his child costs we were equal. I now feel he's punishing me for not contributing to his child maintenance when he was paying. Both kids are now working full time (no Uni).

AIBU to think he's being incredibly selfish or is he right and the money is his to do what he likes with? I don't think he has plans to give his kids any of it at this point but they are looked after in his will (as they should be).

With that much money he should absolutely be paying off your debt, making some plans and thinking about what he could for the kids or give to them. Six figures is absolutely life changing even if it isn't retirement money.

But ignore the vote. There was a thread on here a couple of weeks ago advising a woman that an inheritance (not as much as your DH's) was completely hers.

OP, you've had some rather nasty comments on here, and you've met them pretty gracefully. FWIW, I don't think you sound selfish, or greedy, or entitled at all. You don't come across as if you're eyeing up the inheritance. It seems plain to me you've always contributed fairly to the joint expenses of the household, including the costs of your step-children. And that you fully expect to take care of yourself financially, while contributing equally to the household.

However, it seems that you don't really believe this, and that somehow your husband has managed to imply that any 'claims' you might have are unreasonable, and to press them is simply unfair on your part. For example, what person in a reasonably equal and happy relationship doesn't say, when asked to pay half their birthday meal, 'Oi, tightwad! you are joking right? ha, ha! that's a good one! that'll be one to tell the kids! No, I will have another glass of champagne, thank you very much."

Why do you think you are put on the back foot like this? Will your husband get all furious and up in your grid if you ask him to use a small amount of his windfall to ease your finances? How would you begin the conversation d'ye think?

Whats weird is splitting your finances the way you do.

It’s not weird, plenty of people do it. What’s weird is being expected to go halves on your own birthday meal.

Plenty of people may, but why? If you're married then the money and debts are shared anyway. If you have children then how do you provision earnings for the one looking after the children mostly? It's such a silly way to live.

This sort of money arrangement should only be for unmarried couples who want to leave open the potential for splitting up.

It’s worked for us for 22 years @absolutelyanythingwilldo. It doesn’t feel silly.

Not feeling silly doesn't mean it isn't.

If your partner has to pay a large, unexpected bill to pay do you think "phew, sucks to be you". Your household is still down by that amount so it's still your problem.

I just don't understand it if legally what's your is theirs and vice versa, why bother with splitting bills and thinking about who owes what?

My OH inherited when her parents died. It was treated as family money. Mortgage paid off, a family holiday and we both got new cars. The rest was put into investments. If I inherit, the money will also be split. Your DH is a selfish twat!

My DH gave me what ended up being about a fifth of his inheritance so I could finally learn to drive. And even if you’re only on minimum wage your DH probably got ten times what he got.

I think it can depend on previous experiences. My DH was almost destitute because his ex was taking cash from the joint account and running up debt for buying food etc. She stopped the DD for the mortgage. She was also hiding the bank letters so he didn't realise what was going on. In six months she wiped him out. He was so short of money that he fainted at work more than once because he couldn't afford enough food if he wanted to keep his house (it was his house before they married.) So when we married he wasn't comfortable about joint accounts and I liked my own money as I had kids so I didn't want to spend "our" money on them. Of course the mortgage, bills, food were actually paid jointly so he did subsidise them but clothes, pocketmoney etc I paid.

So it depends.

He sounds selfish and immature, what an utter waste of the money when you still have a mortgage and an insecure pension situation. And he would rather take his mates on holiday than his wife. Not a relationship I would want.

I reckon you're married to my ex. This is exactly what he would do. Bet its a range rover with leather seats?

..and personalised number plates 😆😆

Ha ha @Cloverforever and @CrispsnDips you're not far from the truth!

There's some awful stories of financial abuse - I'm not in this position because I'm (now) financially astute with my own income but there are some awful situations and I fear this is only going to get worse over the next year or two.

After sleeping on the responses (and thanks again to everyone), I think I will try and have a chat with DH and explain how I feel. It is his money and he's having some fun with it and buying himself the much desired car as I've said I have no issue with this. I don't think clearing my small (by comparison) loan will leave him destitute or makes me greedy. It's opened my eyes and I am worried about our future financial position (I should say my future financial position, he'll be fine).

sitting down and having a frank discussion is the way to go.
I am in a similar position, only it’s me who is receiving the inheritance (and it is from a much loved family member so there is more emotion attached to it).
I will be the “keeper” of it as dh is a bit of a spender - he was also talking cars! We also have separate finances, but a pool for the household expenses. The mortgage is already paid off, so that’s not an issue. We spoke about it yesterday (money has not come through yet) and he told me to spend it on myself. After years of counting pennies I’d find that impossible 🙄 I want to pay off all our debts, so we are both in a more comfortable position, put away some for the dc and then use the rest to benefit us all. I could not conceive of blowing it all on me and leaving either dh (or dc) in a position where they may potentially be struggling.
I don’t think you are unreasonable at all to think that it wouldn’t be used for the benefit of you all, paying off debt seems like the most logical thing to do.

If I came into that kind of money, I would treat it as family money

same but mn appears to have very different ideas on money.

I can see where you're both coming from, BUT... It sounds like you've BOTH been pretty militant in the past with "this is YOUR money and this is MY money." Neither of you were doing anything to help the other out in any meaningful way.

You helping out with kid costs for presents etc... sorry, but that's just you throwing some money towards having an easy life. Contributing financially was easier than arguing over it. You were paying towards maintaining a relationship.

Considering how separate your finances have been, leading up to this, I can see why your DH is keeping it to himself. Neither of you have been willing to share previously, but now you want to change the rules when its hundreds of thousands of pounds at stake.

You've both maintained a very unconventional set-up, and it seems you've encountered the reason why it wasn't actually a very good idea.

You are married. You pay for half of everything including meals out. Although he paid his own child maintenance (as expected) you have generously gone half on big ticket items for his children like holidays and Christmas presents (as might be expected in a committed marriage) so far everything thoughtfully and fairly done. Yet he won't give you any of this inheritance? No recognition of your willing contribution to his children over several years? Holiday costs for kids can leave you considerably out of pocket as I know with paying for dgc. Also you willingness in this area will have saved him, not just money, but a great deal of angst about taking his kids with you. You only have to look on the step parenting boards to see that not all step parents are as thoughtful as you have been.
It is his inheritance but maybe these things should be gentle pointed out. Tell him that, although married, you never expected half, but not to have given you anything is very hurtful. I would have hoped that he was planing maybe a surprize special holiday with you at the very least but sadly it doesn't look like it 💐

if you didn't share any of the financial responsibilities of his family life (even a tiny amount)

I'd call paying 50:50 for family outings including his DC when you have no DC contributing more than a tiny amount. It would have easily cost you loads more than a single adult ticket. I bet the outings themselves were chosen to suit the DC so left to yourself you would have spent the money on something else entirely.

I'd be disappointed that he doesn't seem to have thought of spending any of this windfall on you, or even you as a pair. I wouldn't continue to pay half of his DC's presents and outings.

You will soon have your £6.5k back. I'd also wonder what other changes I should make.

Have you had a straightforward conversation about it?

@OldAgeWorries you definitely get what you think you are worth in life, and you obviously didn't even think you deserved your birthday meal being paid for by him (does he give you birthday presents?!) and that's what you ended up with as a result.

To everyone who said it's his money to do with as he likes, I agree with a PP who said but why wouldn't you like to share with someone you allegedly love and asked to marry you years ago? Why marry? Was it just a more convenient financial arrangement for him?
I now wonder if he married the OP and she has no children if she dies first he inherits automatically? @OldAgeWorries do you have a will? I think if you don't specify otherwise he is getting an inheritance from you by default were you to die first? You say you thought he was being careful with money and at the same time you call him a spender...he obviously is only ever careful when it comes to spending on you. In my experience people value what they invest into (in all senses) more, and it doesn't look like he invested in you much...

pay half towards my birthday meals

I see you have answered my question already. You pay half for your meals then pay all to take him out for his birthday.

So keeping his inheritance to himself is all part of that same pattern. Bit of an eye opener.

Have you done wills, do you know what is in his? Is your house owned jointly or as tenants in common?

Once your eyes are open you might as well look at your situation to be prepared

It’s his inheritance and not in any way a matrimonial asset so he does not need to share it with you. I would expect him still to treat his family to something from it, but not necessarily pay off your debts. Have you talked to him about it?

Not life changing?! Sounds pretty life changing to me!!

My DH lost both his parents at the end of last year and once everything is sorted out he will have between £100k and £150k inheritance. We currently rent (social housing) he suggested we look into purchasing our property which will be about half the amount but will save us in the long run from paying rent from our pensions which we currently live on. There was never any thought from him that it was just his to do as he pleases.

I will inherit slightly more (hopefully not too soon) but I would never think that the extra was just mine.

It's very telling he hasn't thought to share any of it at all.

Maybe op has tweaked a few details to try to remain incognito and its not actually as much as she has indicated?