Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It's my money and I'll spend it ...

387 replies

OldAgeWorries · 07/09/2022 10:50

I'd really like to get your opinions on my slightly odd marriage set up. I don't know how I've ended up here and think I'm pretty conventional but this situation is far from the norm. I'll try to keep it short but with all relevant info.

We're married and mid-40s. Second time for both he has young adult children and I don't. We've been together about 10 years in total. Married for five. We earn roughly around the same and I helped him with some of the costs for his children when they were with us but I never paid any of his child maintenance (by that I mean I paid half towards days out, birthday presents, holidays that sort of thing) . I had no part in his first marriage break-up.

He's inherited a substantial sum from an unmarried great aunt - somewhere in the region of 5 x years worth of our joint salaries. Not life changing or enough to retire on but still a nice and slightly unexpected bonus. He was not close to the aunt and didn't see her regularly so this sad occasion doesn't have a huge emotional toll (sorry if that sounds harsh I think it would be different if it were a closer family member).

We have a small mortgage which we've always overpaid to protect us in old age as neither or us thought there would be any inheritance from anywhere and too much fun in our 20s (and children in his case) meant little pension provisions until much too late.

This money is his and he's made this very clear. (I know we're married so I think it's both if we split). I have no intention of splitting with him though. He's buying a fancy new car. He's paying off some small credit card debt and going on a boys holiday! I have no problem with the holiday this was planned but I also have a small debt (£5.5k) and for him to pay this off for me wouldn't make a big dent in his money. My car is fine so I don't need a new car. We don't have joint accounts and never have. We always earned almost the same so apart from his child costs we were equal. I now feel he's punishing me for not contributing to his child maintenance when he was paying. Both kids are now working full time (no Uni).

AIBU to think he's being incredibly selfish or is he right and the money is his to do what he likes with? I don't think he has plans to give his kids any of it at this point but they are looked after in his will (as they should be).

OP posts:
Dou8hnuts · 08/09/2022 20:16

My partner has just learned he will be inheriting some money and his first thing he said was “we’ll plan the best way to use it for our home and family. We’ve never said “my money” or “your money” yes we get paid at different times but it still just goes jointly on bills and outgoings then on family things. We’ve never had it any other way apart from when we first began seeing each other. I can’t imagine coming into money and not sharing it with my partner and kids.

Rosscameasdoody · 08/09/2022 20:17

VatofTea · 07/09/2022 11:16

I'm probably in the minority - but if you didn't share any of the financial responsibilities of his family life (even a tiny amount) in your earlier years together, then I don't think you are entitled to any of the inheritance booty.

I think it would be a kind gesture from him to pay off your debt (decision to be made by him alone with no guilting or pressure), but if he did that, would your sense of entitlement grow or would you be satiated with your cut of rich old auntie's estate?

OP contributed to everyday expenses for hid kids - just not child maintenance.

Maryminx · 08/09/2022 20:18

What an odd set up re each paying half when u go out for meals!
I think he could pay your £5,000 debt off.
Perhaps he is considering leaving you???

Cruisebabe1 · 08/09/2022 20:21

Brideandpredjudice · 07/09/2022 11:00

What a selfish arsehole. I couldn't call a man like that my husband.

This man doesn’t deserve to be your husband. You are being really good about his attitude. He comes across as extremely selfish.

Silvers11 · 08/09/2022 20:26

OldAgeWorries · 07/09/2022 11:11

We don't have a marriage pot or family money. We each have our own account. If we go out for a meal we'll split it 50/50. We both pay equal amounts into a bills account and that pays mortgage, bills, food. We each pay to run our own vehicles.
My loan is paid from my own money and not the bills account.
He's not usually selfish like this but then we've never had a situation like this before.

I think you have explained the problem Right Here. It is clear from this that neither of you have ever got round to thinking of a 'joint income' and sharing it as family money. The arrangement you initially had before you married, was sensible and fair enough - but once you got married that simply didn't change

So you are both still thinking of your respective incomes as belonging to you each as individuals 'what's mine is mine and what's his/hers is his/hers, With that mindset, I'm not surprised he is still thinking that his inheritance is 'his' and not 'ours' and it is understandable that he thinks it's ok to spend it on what he wants

It is perfectly possible to 'share' income without having joint accounts or whatever and there are different ways of deciding who pays for what and maybe it is time that you had a discussion with him about this?

Yes - I would see it as selfish, but my OH and I both look on our individual incomes as 'ours' and not as 'his' and 'mine'. I can see why your husband is thinking it is as 'his'.

Have you asked him if he would pay off your loan? You need to discuss this with him and you BOTH need to change your mindsets to 'family money' vs his and mine IMO

PrincessSpanky · 08/09/2022 20:32

Thank god my husband is not a dick.

Don't get the his & hers when married. What is the point of getting married.

butterflied · 08/09/2022 20:34

nutellachurro · 07/09/2022 12:35

When women post on here in reverse they're told it's their money and to do what they want with it

So I'll hold the same view for your husband

I thought this.

MacMom · 08/09/2022 20:38

My DP and I have two joint accounts, his salary goes in one and pays all the big household bills (he works FT, I am PT). My salary goes in the other and is for food, providing for our boys, sundry expenses (birthday presents etc). My father died a couple of years ago. He left a small inheritance shared between my 2 siblings and I, not enough to retire on, but enough for me hand in my notice at my old job and be home for the boys during the height of the pandemic (I wouldn’t have been furloughed as we were classed as key workers). We agreed that we would use a chiunk to pay off OUR bills ie. His cc and mine (separate cards). I would never have dreamt of spending it all on myself - and I hope he would feel the same.

Pinkfluff76 · 08/09/2022 20:49

If you literally split restaurant bills then I don’t see why you spent a penny on HIS kids?! As in if that’s how split your finances are then his kids Christmas presents, days out and holidays should be his bill, not yours! And yes he’s been a selfish arse. It would make me feel very undervalued as a partner in a marriage.

sue20 · 08/09/2022 21:02

Brideandpredjudice · 07/09/2022 11:00

What a selfish arsehole. I couldn't call a man like that my husband.

Sorry, this! And particularly the new car and boys outing. Is he also at least thinking of taking you on holiday/ an outing and treating you? Could you have posted too soon and he’s planning a surprise for you? But to not pay off your debt that’s disgraceful and a bit worrying as to what sort of person he is

Roxy69 · 08/09/2022 21:35

Mumspair1 · 07/09/2022 11:15

My exact thinking. Just shows you that when his life improved slightly he left you behind without a second thought! I hope your eyes are well open to that.

Show quote history

This.
I'm sorry to say that, it must be very hurtful to you. I'm not sure I could ever forget that and put it behind me - even if he later made up for it, the damage is now done. The whole situation is very sad indeed.

Scrumbleton · 08/09/2022 21:45

I’m in the minority too. Second marriage - independent finances, it’s his money. I am in the same boat inherited a large egg amount of money which is entirely mine. That said I bought my DH a £10k gift and paid for a nice holiday but other than that the inheritance is mine

Brigante9 · 08/09/2022 21:47

I’d ask him to pay your debt. I think it’s significant that you contributed to his children’s days out/birthdays etc.

Is he seriously spending a 1/3rd of the inheritance on a car?! Is he quite mad? I would be furious if my DH did that. What a massive waste.

AnnieSnap · 08/09/2022 21:53

I’m sorry you have had so many arsey comments. I think you are right that in a mutually supportive, equal relationship, it’s perfectly reasonable to pay off a partner’s small dept in these circumstances. I am from the perspective of the same sort of marriage, second marriages, together 14 years, married 7, each manage our own money, share bills etc. Perhaps your husband just hasn’t thought beyond the excitement of his new car yet and will be totally up for paying off your debt. I hope your chat goes well 🙂

wentworthinmate · 08/09/2022 21:59

If my partner inherited any money I know he would pay off all debts, mine included. Then any money left he would do with whatever he pleases no problem (this is never going to happen and I envy you OP).

Toomuchtrouble4me · 08/09/2022 22:09

Is it usual for married couples to pay 50/50 on a meal? Do many have separate accounts?

BrownStripePJ · 08/09/2022 22:21

He's being selfish. I would split the money/make it family money between you and him, and also give his adult kids a fair amount too

wonderstuff · 08/09/2022 22:26

I think it would be reasonable to exclude you from it if he was using the money to support his kids, or ploughing it into assets that they would benefit from, but to buy a car and a holiday and not discuss it with you at all is very selfish, especially considering you are not in a strong financial position regarding pension planning.

CambsAlways · 08/09/2022 23:05

I’m glad my Dh isn’t a selfish man, if he had an inheritance I can tell you now it would he wouldn’t be thinking of himself

FinallyHere · 08/09/2022 23:40

Second marriage - independent finances, it’s his money.

Except that OP has been subbing him by going halves on this including days out for his DC and meals to celebrate her birthday, while paying in full for his birthday meals.

This inheritance appears to be the first time the sun would be in OP's favour and suddenly, it's all his.

Not the right tone.

Confusion101 · 09/09/2022 00:02

Toomuchtrouble4me · 08/09/2022 22:09

Is it usual for married couples to pay 50/50 on a meal? Do many have separate accounts?

It's usual for a married couple to pay for a meal whatever fucking way they want.

"Well me and my husband do it this way" well done ye, fantastic. Doesn't mean yours is the only way!!

Paying 50 / 50 for a meal isn't something I do in my relationship but doesn't mean it's wrong or odd or "omg you need to divorce him" 🙄

THEDEACON · 09/09/2022 00:34

I'd never be paying half a meal again then again my solicitor would have lodged divorce papers and he would discover what significance 50 50 had !

a1poshpaws · 09/09/2022 03:03

No judgement, because very obviously your marriage is totally different to how mine was (I'm widowed) and I have zero insight into your husband's background or what might have turned him into a Scrooge. But my husband always refused to keep any bonus cash for himself, even when I said something like "but you really wanted that ..xyz, why don't you just use this and get it?". Our money was literally OUR money as far as we were concerned.

I do think though, that if your husband hasn't/doesn't offer to pay your debt, he doesn't actually value you and he's a selfish person. I don't think past trauma or anything from his background could prevent him knowing that it's beyond ungenerous to get that sort of financial windfall and NOT share your good fortune with the woman you're supposed to love.

I'm sorry he's being such a disappointment to you, you must feel very hurt.

Flatandhappy · 09/09/2022 03:42

To me it's not a question of entitlement, I would just be incredibly hurt that someone who is supposed to love me wouldn't even consider using some of the money as treats for us or think about paying off my debt with his. You obviously don't have a history of joint finances but not sharing is just mean.

CatNoBag · 09/09/2022 07:32

My situation is very similar to yours. I have no children, DH has adult children. We've been together for decades, married along the way. Completely financially separate, even more so than you I'd say, but we don't go halves on things (mostly he pays when we're out, but most of the household costs I pay for). He will always go for the cheapest thing, I will always go for what I like that is within my budget, but I'd say I'm the one for long term financial thinking, whereas he doesn't really think about how he's going to live when he's 80! He inherited money a few years ago, I have no idea how much it is (I'd say 6 figures, but don't really know how high or low - though I'm sure if I asked he'd tell me) and he hasn't given me any lump sum of cash, but bought me a very expensive Christmas present that year, and is about to take over paying some of our living costs for a while. So though I know you're not alone, I think there aren't that many of us that live like this!

Swipe left for the next trending thread