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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To really not find this 'joke' funny?

163 replies

BlahblahSheep · 06/09/2022 09:16

Quick background, my husband has older children and we have one child together. I was extremely clear when I met him that I wanted children so if he didn't want anymore we should leave it there. He assured me he did want more.

Anyway, basically now whenever he asks me to do something for him like make a brew or whatever it is, he'll say something like 'C'mon, I had a child for you, I already had two'. Basically he did me a favour so now I can do one for him.

He laughs and says he's joking but he's said it multiple times and it's really starting to fuck me off. He is joking in the sense that the things he's asking for a trivial little things and he isn't actually bothered if I don't make him a cup of tea or whatever but still.

I said to him last night when he did it again that I don't find it funny, he's basically saying he didn't want our child which I find hurtful not just toward me but toward our DC as well.

He's a good dad and I know he adores our child but I just don't find this funny at all and actually pretty fucking horrible.

He thinks I'm overreacting and it's a joke. I think he must be saying the truth but playing it off as a joke.

OP posts:
nutellachurro · 06/09/2022 09:22

YABU you're over reacting

It's a harmless comment/joke

TheYearOfSmallThings · 06/09/2022 09:24

He probably means to be humourous but if you clearly explain that you find it hurtful and want him to stop saying it, he should absolutely stop.

ErrolTheDragon · 06/09/2022 09:24

YANBU, I can't see how this is remotely funny, which is the basic requirement for something to be a joke. Saying something you don't mean that isn't funny, especially if done repeatedly and is annoying or upsetting the other person isn't a joke and it's not nice.

He certainly needs to not do it in earshot of your - and his - child.

donquixotedelamancha · 06/09/2022 09:24

YANBU to not find it funny or be bothered but this is unreasonable:

he's basically saying he didn't want our child

I think he must be saying the truth but playing it off as a joke.

What he thinks is not overridden by how you feel. He hasn't said either of those things. DW and I have lots of shared 'inappropriate' jokes like this but we have a similar sense of humour.

Make clear to him that it's bothering you and he's not to do it again (and tell him off when he slips) but don't be mad with him for stuff he hasn't done.

My3dahliasarebloominlovely · 06/09/2022 09:24

He may be a bit like my DH. Says the totally inappropriate thing regularly and doesn't really "get" that it's offensive or hurtful. You need to calmly explan it isn't funny and why. If it's just a thoughtless windup, he'll wean himself off it, but if it carries on, there may be something more deep seated

oopsfellover · 06/09/2022 09:25

It’s a bit odd that he’s said it multiple times when you’ve made it clear you don’t like it. That sounds like the most problematic bit to me.

ErrolTheDragon · 06/09/2022 09:27

Can anyone excusing this as a 'harmless joke' explain where the humour lies? What's remotely funny about it?

Calling something a joke which isn't one doesn't mean you've got a good sense of humour, you know. It means you've not got the sense to know what humour is.

donquixotedelamancha · 06/09/2022 09:30

YANBU, I can't see how this is remotely funny, which is the basic requirement for something to be a joke.

Mid 40s old and I have always thought humour was subjective. You learn something new every day.

Soubriquet · 06/09/2022 09:30

First couple of times, I might have found it amusing. But using it every time now would make me feel like he’s bitter.

nutellachurro · 06/09/2022 09:30

ErrolTheDragon · 06/09/2022 09:27

Can anyone excusing this as a 'harmless joke' explain where the humour lies? What's remotely funny about it?

Calling something a joke which isn't one doesn't mean you've got a good sense of humour, you know. It means you've not got the sense to know what humour is.

Just because you don't find it funny doesn't mean others are aligned to that view

Some people think farts a funny, some don't

You must be a right hoot at parties

BlahblahSheep · 06/09/2022 09:31

I guess I'm probably a bit sensitive to it as I know he has other children and I was concerned about this from the start of our relationship. As I say I was very clear if he didn't actively want children himself we should end things because I did and not just because someone felt the had to 'give' me one to shut me up iyswim.

He's also decided he doesn't want anymore. Which is his decision and I respect it but it does make me think did he know that all along and just had one to keep me quiet knowing he'd want no more and didn't really want this one either.

It's probably me being oversensitive but as PP said, I've told him before I don't like it.

OP posts:
x2boys · 06/09/2022 09:32

ErrolTheDragon · 06/09/2022 09:27

Can anyone excusing this as a 'harmless joke' explain where the humour lies? What's remotely funny about it?

Calling something a joke which isn't one doesn't mean you've got a good sense of humour, you know. It means you've not got the sense to know what humour is.

People have different senses of humour ,i.find sarcastic humour quite funny others don't, my sense of humour is also very dark ,which not everyone gets ,nobody has to explain anything,if you dont it find it funny ,you don't find it funny

BlahblahSheep · 06/09/2022 09:33

x2boys · 06/09/2022 09:32

People have different senses of humour ,i.find sarcastic humour quite funny others don't, my sense of humour is also very dark ,which not everyone gets ,nobody has to explain anything,if you dont it find it funny ,you don't find it funny

But if someone told you they found one joke you said hurtful would you carry on repeating it?

OP posts:
donquixotedelamancha · 06/09/2022 09:34

Which is his decision and I respect it but it does make me think did he know that all along and just had one to keep me quiet knowing he'd want no more and didn't really want this one either.

Talk to him about your feelings, rather than making it about this joke.

nutellachurro · 06/09/2022 09:34

@BlahblahSheep

The issue here is you're being over sensitive

So tbh if I made a joke someone didn't like due to them being over the top I wouldn't give it a second thought, as it's a them problem

x2boys · 06/09/2022 09:36

BlahblahSheep · 06/09/2022 09:33

But if someone told you they found one joke you said hurtful would you carry on repeating it?

No of course I wouldn't I'm just explaining to a pp that what one person finds funny others don't, of its upsetting you ,you need to tell him how much its upsetting you.

ErrolTheDragon · 06/09/2022 09:36

I have always thought humour was subjective

Sure... but the OP has given the context. Maybe there might be some situation where the same words would be funny... but this isn't it. If a 'joke' bombs the first time, repeating it or variants thereof isn't likely to improve it.

BMW6 · 06/09/2022 09:36

No joke is funny if it's trotted out frequently.
Tell him he's like a stuck record, time to move on.

BlahblahSheep · 06/09/2022 09:37

nutellachurro · 06/09/2022 09:34

@BlahblahSheep

The issue here is you're being over sensitive

So tbh if I made a joke someone didn't like due to them being over the top I wouldn't give it a second thought, as it's a them problem

Even your spouse who you're supposed to care about? I know if DH told me he found something I kept saying hurtful, I'd stop saying it because it costs me nothing and I'm supposed to love him. But okay.

OP posts:
donquixotedelamancha · 06/09/2022 09:37

But if someone told you they found one joke you said hurtful would you carry on repeating it?

Have you actually sat him down and explained why this upsets you so much and how you feel about this issue?

It's clear he doesn't understand what's going on here and he can't support you until he does. He thinks it's funny because it's so silly but for you it's a real fear.

baxtersm · 06/09/2022 09:38

I talked my hubby into having number 3.. a little girl after two boys. He felt we were done after two, I didn't.. anyway when she was born he adored her and still does, but when she was a baby and crying in the middle of the night or whatever he would say.. 'your turn you had to get her!' He was joking and he get up with her but it did my head in!! So I don't think YABU at all..

ErrolTheDragon · 06/09/2022 09:38

People have different senses of humour ,i.find sarcastic humour quite funny others don't, my sense of humour is also very dark ,which not everyone gets ,nobody has to explain anything,if you dont it find it funny ,you don't find it funny

My sense of humour is similar but I know there's a time and a place for it.

BlahblahSheep · 06/09/2022 09:39

donquixotedelamancha · 06/09/2022 09:37

But if someone told you they found one joke you said hurtful would you carry on repeating it?

Have you actually sat him down and explained why this upsets you so much and how you feel about this issue?

It's clear he doesn't understand what's going on here and he can't support you until he does. He thinks it's funny because it's so silly but for you it's a real fear.

Yes I have told him before. I've also told him before it sounds like he's saying he didn't want our child. He still does it.

I told him again last night and he made out I was unreasonable.

Perhaps as PPs have said I'm being over sensitive but I don't get why he wouldn't just stop saying it even if I am when he knows I don't like it. It's not really funny if the person you're saying the 'joke' to repeatedly finds it hurtful.

OP posts:
MangoBiscuit · 06/09/2022 09:39

Is it a joke, yes. Is it funny, not really. Might have been the first couple of times, or maybe if it's used once in a bluemoon. Is it harmless, no. If that joke becomes commonplace, and gets used all the time, that DC is likely going to grow up believing that their Dad didn't really want them.

Megifer · 06/09/2022 09:40

Once - pretty amusing daft joke

Twice - mmmm whatever piss off

More than that - boring arsehole either running out of funny or is actually having a bit of a sly dig

I'd be telling him to pack it in its no longer funny

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