To really not find this 'joke' funny?

[BlahblahSheep]

Quick background, my husband has older children and we have one child together. I was extremely clear when I met him that I wanted children so if he didn't want anymore we should leave it there. He assured me he did want more.

Anyway, basically now whenever he asks me to do something for him like make a brew or whatever it is, he'll say something like 'C'mon, I had a child for you, I already had two'. Basically he did me a favour so now I can do one for him.

He laughs and says he's joking but he's said it multiple times and it's really starting to fuck me off. He is joking in the sense that the things he's asking for a trivial little things and he isn't actually bothered if I don't make him a cup of tea or whatever but still.

I said to him last night when he did it again that I don't find it funny, he's basically saying he didn't want our child which I find hurtful not just toward me but toward our DC as well.

He's a good dad and I know he adores our child but I just don't find this funny at all and actually pretty fucking horrible.

He thinks I'm overreacting and it's a joke. I think he must be saying the truth but playing it off as a joke.

No, it really isn't. The world contains far too many self proclaimed wits who think anyone who doesn't split their sides at their (often offensive) jokes is over sensitive or lacking in humour. The penny never seems to drop that theyre just not funny. Which to me is squarely a problem with them rather than their unfortunate and unwilling audience.

The word i was thinking was passive aggressive, its not a "joke"
Its passive aggression, he thinks you should be treating him like a king because he "gave you" a child

DH is similar, makes repeated jokes about things , eg visiting my family.

Saying it once is tolerable , but in the repeating it becomes more and more of a wind up, so you end up seriously peed off and having to explain why its so annoying.

That isn’t a joke, it’s a guilt trip and incredibly disrespectful to your child.

Tell him thst every time he says it, you like him less, and if he makes it again you’re going to stop making cups of tea for him ever.

Is it a joke or is it a dig at OP revealing his underlying resentment?

I suspect the latter especially as OP says she's told him to stop and when she has expressed her frustration at him continuing he tries to turn it into a her issue by calling her oversensitive.

Yeah that would annoy me so much. It sounds to me like the OP wanted to have kids with someone who also wanted that and was very clear about that at the start, that's very different to her saying, if you don't have a child with me I'm leaving.

It's like husbands who think them getting married is some sort of a favour to their partner, that's so offensive.

Not a joke - jokes are funny.

Not harmless - OP is hurt and upset.

YANBU. He says it's a joke but he knows you don't like it. He also doesn't seem to care that one day his child is going to hear him say that and be hurt.
Tell him again you don't like it and tell him how his child will feel when he's older and hears this comment.
It's disrespectful that he doesn't care about how you feel about his jokes. I'm not sure what you can do except tell him to stop every time. Or ignore him if he says it or perhaps say I know you're not talking to me because you know I don't like that 'joke'.
I assume he does have some good qualities because being disrespectful to you and his child isn't a good sign.

Does he want you to leave him?

It is indeed subjective. The only opinion that matters being the audience.

Repeatedly saying something that another person find hurtful isn't joking it's bullying. Saying it is a joker doesn't make it ok.

I think it's a horrible thing to say.

Honestly I suspect if you do it back to him he will realise it's not funny (which he knows already)

Start making a similar "joke" after sex or something he cares about something like "well that's that chore done, if you were better maybe I wouldn't have to just lie back and think of England" .. what? I'm JOKING". Then refuse to stop when he tells you it hurts his feelings. The problem isn't the joke, it's that he won't stop when you told him it genuinely hurts you

Not nice but then most jokes or wise cracks aren't actually funny when you look at them on their own.

"It's the fact he says it as if he didn't want him and he did it solely for me. Usually followed with something about the fact he already had children so he didn't need another one and it was a favour. Something he knows I was concerned about when we met."

OP wanted children, plural, not child, singular. She "was extremely clear when I met him that I wanted children so if he didn't want anymore we should leave it there. He assured me he did want more." And now? He's reneged - "He's also decided he doesn't want anymore. Which is his decision and I respect it but it does make me think did he know that all along and just had one to keep me quiet knowing he'd want no more and didn't really want this one either."

I do wonder at this man's behaviour. I suspect that these 'jokes' - I would call them 'digs', because he's not joking - are to distract you from the reality of your situation @BlahblahSheep.

I think that he is harping on about him doing you the 'favour' of giving you one child to distract you from the fact that he hasn't given you children. He's focusing your attention on what you have got, so that you won't dwell on what you haven't. Basically, he manipulated you into marrying him by promising children. He got what he wanted - you. You didn't get what you wanted - children. And he thinks if he keeps emphasising that you have one child, however clumsily he does so (and it is feckin' clumsy), you'll somehow 'forget' that he promised more. He thinks this strategy is working, because you have accepted his decision to not father more. I'd say you've accepted it because you're a decent person rather than through his constant digs, but he's not bright enough to work that out.

Personally I would be very angry at this man for selfishly removing my chance to have the number of children I wanted. I might even be inclined to 'joke' back to him that I'll (for example) make him a half-cup of tea since he only half gave me a family, and I'll save the full cup for the man who will give me a full family. Or, I might not say it out loud, but I'd certainly be thinking about it. He lied to you, OP, about something he shouldn't have lied about. :(

Next time he says it I would tell him that once your child understands better he can explain what his stupid joke means to them. Then totally ignore whenever he say it.

It doesn't sound like a joke to me, and I'd be pretty pissed off with him, especially after two years of it. It's like when people excuse nastiness as 'banter'.

Have you ever asked him why he actually stayed with you when it's pretty obvious that he didn't really want a third child? Or if he did he's twattishly using it as an excuse to get you to do what he wants you to do.

It's the principle that the H keeps doing something you've asked him not to.

DH does this with me occasionally yet hates it if I do something he doesn't like after he's asked me not to do it.

The only way I've managed to get through to him is by saying in a really clear and assertive tone "You didn't like it when I did x so I stopped, I've asked you to not do x and you haven't stopped. That's not fair."

Small comments about asking him not to do something can wash over. He's not normally this thick.

I don't think the joke is the problem, it's the potential truth behind it that grates you. I had to persaude my DP to have a child, and it is now apparent she is his world and he tells me how glad he was I did persaude him. But he makes simmilar jokes and that's all they are, jokes with no truth and so they're mildly amusing. You need a, proper chat

Joke or not your husband is repeatedly saying something to you that he knows upsets you. He's either doing this to needle you or to assert his dominance over you - neither is an attractive proposition.

Try outlining it in those terms...and I'm sorry to say if he still carries on it's pretty clear he neither respects nor cares for you.

I can't think of anyone decent that would repeatedly say something that would upset someone else - even if they thought the someone else was being overly sensitive. It's just an arsehole thing to do to someone.

Surely if he wanted that, he would have taken the clear out she gave him when she said kids were non-negotiable (I'm aware she wanted more).

Tell him you can see why his first wife divorced him

I think the difference here is you had to persuade your DH to have a child, you are both aware of that and that's fine, it all worked out however the OP was only willing to stay with her now husband if he wanted to have more kids which he said he did at the time but he's now basically saying he lied and he only had another child so the OP would stay with him and she should be grateful for that too.....

I think it's really crummy for him to keep repeating this joke after you've said it hurts your feelings.

It doesn't matter if you're being sensitive about it, he's your spouse and should love you enough to want to avoid hurting you. We all have our quirks and sensitivities.

Can you counter with "Well, I agreed to get MARRIED to you"? Just to show how unfunny it is? Though honestly I'd find this kind of banter kind of toxic and would prefer to avoid it.

Or funny.

My DH sometimes say things like "But I emptied the car for you" or "But I booked that holiday you chose" type of thing when trying to get me to make the tea. It's just daftness and not serious (I generally never respond to this type of plea anyway) But "I had a child for you, I already had two?" is different context and not pleasant at all. That child is both of yours and not something that was gifted from him to you. I can understand the discomfort you get from it. (And why the clarification that he already had two as well - you know that already!). Doesn't sound like much of a joke to me tbh.