Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To really not find this 'joke' funny?

163 replies

BlahblahSheep · 06/09/2022 09:16

Quick background, my husband has older children and we have one child together. I was extremely clear when I met him that I wanted children so if he didn't want anymore we should leave it there. He assured me he did want more.

Anyway, basically now whenever he asks me to do something for him like make a brew or whatever it is, he'll say something like 'C'mon, I had a child for you, I already had two'. Basically he did me a favour so now I can do one for him.

He laughs and says he's joking but he's said it multiple times and it's really starting to fuck me off. He is joking in the sense that the things he's asking for a trivial little things and he isn't actually bothered if I don't make him a cup of tea or whatever but still.

I said to him last night when he did it again that I don't find it funny, he's basically saying he didn't want our child which I find hurtful not just toward me but toward our DC as well.

He's a good dad and I know he adores our child but I just don't find this funny at all and actually pretty fucking horrible.

He thinks I'm overreacting and it's a joke. I think he must be saying the truth but playing it off as a joke.

OP posts:
Isaidnoalready · 06/09/2022 09:40

Have you told him to change the record this side is stuck?

Catch21 · 06/09/2022 09:41

Every time he says it, say "as you know I find that really annoying, don't say it again" and refuse to do the thing he wants you to do. He'll get the message eventually!

Original poster
BlahblahSheep · 06/09/2022 09:42

MangoBiscuit · 06/09/2022 09:39

Is it a joke, yes. Is it funny, not really. Might have been the first couple of times, or maybe if it's used once in a bluemoon. Is it harmless, no. If that joke becomes commonplace, and gets used all the time, that DC is likely going to grow up believing that their Dad didn't really want them.

This is one of my concerns. Child in question is 2 so it's still going on two years later! They'll understand it one day if he keeps saying it. I don't want it to be a theme of 'oh you wanted them, I did it for you, I gave you DC when I already had them hahahaha isn't it so funny'.

OP posts:
sundayvibeswig22 · 06/09/2022 09:42

I wouldn't find that funny (especially after the first time).

donquixotedelamancha · 06/09/2022 09:42

No joke is funny if it's trotted out frequently.

I don't believe it! We've all been humouring wrong. Better tell the BBC to stop showing repeats of Allo, Allo, only fools and horses, Monty python, Fawlty towers, dad's army and most of the rest of their back catalogue.

Original poster
BlahblahSheep · 06/09/2022 09:43

If it was said once I could forgive it as just a joke that I didn't really get but whatever. But it's the repeating of it. Why repeat it all the time if you don't really think it?

OP posts:
SheeWeee · 06/09/2022 09:43

nutellachurro · 06/09/2022 09:34

@BlahblahSheep

The issue here is you're being over sensitive

So tbh if I made a joke someone didn't like due to them being over the top I wouldn't give it a second thought, as it's a them problem

If you made a joke your partner found rude, hurtful and very unfunny, you'd dismiss them saying so and continue to make your "joke"?

Thats very much a you problem. As in, you have a serious problem

oopsfellover · 06/09/2022 09:43

@x2boys She has told him she doesn’t like it - that’s the issue I think. Everyone knows that different people find different things funny - that doesn’t really need explaining.

Soproudoflionesses · 06/09/2022 09:45

I always say to my dh l gave you the gift of a daughter to which he replies he didn't want it! But it is banter.

If it is annoying you, he needs to knock it on the head now.

CoolerThanIceCream · 06/09/2022 09:45

Oh wow, the disingenuous are out in force on this thread.

And coming in right behind them are the obtuse.

oopsfellover · 06/09/2022 09:46

@donquixotedelamancha I’m not sure those shows would be repeated if their entire audience said they didn’t like them and asked for them not to be shown again.

Original poster
BlahblahSheep · 06/09/2022 09:46

And it's not just me either. Who as a child wants to hear their dad regularly making a joke of the fact he didn't really want them? My child doesn't understand now but they will at some point and it has the potential to be really hurtful to them.

OP posts:
donquixotedelamancha · 06/09/2022 09:46

Perhaps as PPs have said I'm being over sensitive but I don't get why he wouldn't just stop saying it even if I am when he knows I don't like it.

If you have explained your sadness about no further kids and your worries that he doesn't want his child then of course he's being a complete dick. You need to have a good honest row about it.

But it's the repeating of it. Why repeat it all the time if you don't really think it?

Repetition of silly things makes them funny. That's the premise of a lot of humour but it's irrelevant here. What matters is him ignoring your feelings, not why.

MistyGreenAndBlue · 06/09/2022 09:46

Disagree with most posters on here
It's NOT a joke at all. It's a repeated "dig" at the OP as he agreed to more kids in order to keep her and now resents it.

Its actually pretty clear based on OP's last update.

Why else would he continually bring it up? Doing it in the form of a "joke" is just his way of getting away with it. Silencing the OP's objections because "I'm just kidding"
Nah - he's not.

SomeUnspokenThing · 06/09/2022 09:47

YANBU to be upset. You've explained that you don't find it funny, have asked him to stop and still he keeps saying it. To my mind, that's more of an issue than the joke itself. Tell him that it's gone beyond the joke and that you are upset/angry about his dismissal of your request to stop it. I completely see and understand your position here, OP.

pinkyredrose · 06/09/2022 09:47

Aren't jokes meant to be funny?

ToFindNewWays · 06/09/2022 09:47

You’re not being over sensitive, it’s shit.

Is there something he’s very sensitive about, something which you would never joke about? If he does it again say “H, I would never make a joke about <your issue> because it wouldn’t be ok. So don’t make a joke about this.”

yellowsmileyface · 06/09/2022 09:47

it's a them problem

So if you were doing something that bothered your partner and they spoke to you about it, you'd just shrug and say "that's a you problem"? How healthy...

It doesn't really matter whether we'd find the joke funny or whether we think OP is overreacting. The issue is she's expressed her feelings regarding the joke and her husband is minimising her feelings. That is a problem whichever way you frame it.

OP, I think you need to have another conversation about how you feel about the situation. It seems like you have certain insecurities within the relationship that need to be addressed.

whumpthereitis · 06/09/2022 09:48

The fact that he keeps saying it even after you asked him not to, and after you made him know how it made you feel, is insensitive. Whether it’s funny or not is subjective.

many a true word said in jest, though. You know your husband, you’re the one in the way position to say whether it’s true or not.

Original poster
BlahblahSheep · 06/09/2022 09:48

Soproudoflionesses · 06/09/2022 09:45

I always say to my dh l gave you the gift of a daughter to which he replies he didn't want it! But it is banter.

If it is annoying you, he needs to knock it on the head now.

I wouldn't even mind this so much. 'I cooked DC for 9 months so you do this for me haha' or 'I gave you a son' or whatever.

It's the fact he says it as if he didn't want him and he did it solely for me. Usually followed with something about the fact he already had children so he didn't need another one and it was a favour. Something he knows I was concerned about when we met.

OP posts:
DragonflyNights · 06/09/2022 09:48

If you care about someone and they tell you a joke you continue to make is hurtful why the hell would you keep doing it and blame them for being oversensitive? What does it cost him to stop doing it? Nothing!

Comedians try out material all the time and if the audience doesn’t find it funny they usually stop doing it because they joke isn’t working for their audience. This person has an audience of one who doesn’t find it funny and is also hurt personally by it. But his partner, the one he is meant to love, should just suck it up??? This makes him both a shit comedian to his very small audience AND an insensitive partner.

donquixotedelamancha · 06/09/2022 09:49

oopsfellover · 06/09/2022 09:46

@donquixotedelamancha I’m not sure those shows would be repeated if their entire audience said they didn’t like them and asked for them not to be shown again.

I was replying to PP saying 'no joke is funny if repeated'. I even quoted that in my post.

nutellachurro · 06/09/2022 09:49

@BlahblahSheep

I'd not marry a wet blanket so hopefully wouldn't find myself in this situation.

senua · 06/09/2022 09:49

I'd be tempted to 'joke' right back at him. About his sexual prowess, maybe. How funny would he find that?

whatstheteamarie · 06/09/2022 09:50

Be honest with him.

Look him dead in the eye and say "every time you make a so called joke about not wanting our child it makes me love you less. If you carry on doing it, there I will have no love left for you."

If that's how you feel, make sure he knows it. It's then up to him how he chooses to behave knowing that.