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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I can see why women stick with men who have money

155 replies

FayeGovan · 06/09/2022 08:26

I mean even when they arent a great match. Money makes life easier. I have friends in this position, they arent worrying about the energy cap or the price of lurpak. They have their own new cars and holidays to look forward to. They work part time in an undemanding job. Nights out and weekends away aren't a worry.
I can understand why they are with husbands they dont particularly like or love though.
Its not for me but i cant see why they do it.

OP posts:
sst1234 · 06/09/2022 08:28

Yes many women still decide to not be independent, instead relying on a man. It’s sad.

Stripeystrip201 · 06/09/2022 08:30

This is my friend. It doesn't last though. After about 10 years it falls apart. She's on her 3rd now.

KangarooKenny · 06/09/2022 08:30

Is it just money, or is it not only having their kids 50% of the time too ?

GCAcademic · 06/09/2022 08:30

How sad. I'd rather work full-time than be shackled to a man I didn't like. Nights out and weekends away are hardly a compensation for a miserable relationship.

Original poster
FayeGovan · 06/09/2022 08:41

The women i know like this dont actually spend that much time with their men, they usually fill their weeks up with a busy social life and have plenty money to facilitate this.

OP posts:
Popaholic · 06/09/2022 08:41

Yes OP I can see why too. Splitting up isn’t a cut and dry decision in so many cases. Many people are risk averse for a number of sensible reasons - leaving behind a known, tolerable, stable albeit unsatisfying relationship to leap into the unknown isn’t always palatable. There are often very strong financial reasons to stay together, along with the avoidance of cultural stigma or family disapproval, disruption/less contact with your kids, impact to your MH from a separation.

Going on vacation with 2 parents is often easier than going as a single parent - you have adult company, someone to share the organisational hassles. There are loads of things that just work better with a partner you can rely on - stupid example but a recent one for me (since you mentioned cars in the OP) is getting my car serviced - so much easier with two people, as one parent can do the school run while the other one drops off the car and walks home.

@Stripeystrip201 I’m not sure that’s true, actually If you are the kind of person willing to take a risk and leave a relationship once, you are more likely statistically to do it again in future. How can you possibly know how many thousands of women have STAYED, slightly miserable but not miserable enough to leave? The statistics are surely not known…

NovaDeltas · 06/09/2022 09:05

Yeah, fuck that, I earn my own money. I'm comfortable and taking holidays because of my hard work and my job, not someone else's.

BloodAndFire · 06/09/2022 09:07

The problem is it's generally an exchange. Her looks for his money. Once she doesn't look good enough any more, he'll trade her in for a younger model.

MatildaTheCat · 06/09/2022 09:08

You may be right but who knows what anyone’s relationship is really like? Unless there’s overt abuse it’s not easy to tell. Lots of people whine about their spouses but doesn’t mean they would rather split up.

gannett · 06/09/2022 09:09

Of course I can see why they do it. Still sounds like a shit life, paid-for nights out or not. And at some point the penny might drop for their husbands.

MerlinsButler · 06/09/2022 09:09

It has always been this way. But I think for many people it is a very precarious life. If the husband / higher earning Partner decides to up and leave the drop in lifestyle / income can be a big shock.

I know a few people who got a rude awakening when this happened and they HAD to work full time etc and hated it.

Personally I like knowing that I can pay my own way and that is what I prioritise and have an equal household but it really is each to their own. I don't judge either position.

HailAdrian · 06/09/2022 09:12

Nah, all it takes is for him to have a midlife crisis for their lifestyles to come crashing down around them.

Thepeopleversuswork · 06/09/2022 09:21

It’s a gilded cage though. You essentially have no freedom or agency in this life.

If you don’t like him, don’t fancy him, don’t respect him, find him irritating, tough shit. You’re stuck. I would feel so stifled and trapped like this.

Also men tend to become very entitled when they know a woman depends on them for financial security. They stop considering her point of view or her feelings.

Fuck that, I’ll make my own money thanks.

whoamI00 · 06/09/2022 09:25

There is not one way of loving. There are many different forms of love. It's not money. They love their husband in their own way.

Sandra1984 · 06/09/2022 09:34

I’m bored of seeing threads on mumsnet of women married to wealthy guys and feeling miserable because they can’t leave for being financially dependent.

Topgub · 06/09/2022 09:44

I'd rather make my own money.

Fuck that.

Pruella · 06/09/2022 09:52

The problem is that if your end of the deal is being good looking and his is making lots of money your value is depreciating over time whereas his is likely to be appreciating.

If he’s wealthy enough that the divorce payout will support you then I can see it being a risk worth taking but otherwise I wouldn’t.

Rinatinabina · 06/09/2022 09:56

Don’t lots of normal people do that too. I know people who are doing ok but not wealthy who don’t want to divorce because splitting assets would mean starting from the bottom of the housing ladder again, not having a second pair of hands is hard etc.

autocollantes · 06/09/2022 09:57

whoamI00 · 06/09/2022 09:25

There is not one way of loving. There are many different forms of love. It's not money. They love their husband in their own way.

Aye. And how much would they "love him in their own way" if he quit his job and said he wanted to work as a bartender or at Tesco because he wanted less stress?

It's not love. Doesn't mean they're not loyal though.

stopitleaveitgetdown · 06/09/2022 09:59

Yes I have an ex friend like this. He cheats and doesn't come home for days but she has a nice house and a car he bought her so she turns a blind eye. Ridiculous 🙄

Damnautocorrect · 06/09/2022 09:59

relationships are easier without the drudge of life, without financial worry, with the odd meal out or takeaway, gift of appreciation.

stopitleaveitgetdown · 06/09/2022 10:00

@GCAcademic 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽 same here. I'd hate to be miserable in a nice house with a knob for a partner

CrapBucket · 06/09/2022 10:04

I am single, make my own money, but it is a hard slog, children are teenagers so they cost as much as adults do, but are in school full time and obv don't earn anything. Everything I buy is more fraught as its so hard earned. (I hope this appliance is the most reliable one, I hope this holiday choice is amazing, I hope these cheap noodles are nice enough to eat, etc etc forever.) There is no slack to make a bad choice and think ah fuck it.

Still prefer it this way to being married though!!!

Crikeyalmighty · 06/09/2022 10:05

Unless the Hs are away a lot or both have a very full social live themselves - that's an awful lot of time you have to spend with someone you don't much like

DragonflyNights · 06/09/2022 10:05

I’m a single parent and have been for many years. Totally financially on my own (ex never paid maintenance and hasn’t worked in years so nothing doing CMS wise). It’s very tough and scary at times, especially now, knowing I have no one to share the financial load with. I also can only dream right now of buying a house or being able to save much. I worry about university costs, driving lessons and so on. If I lived with a partner and could split the financial load and have more financial security I can imagine it would be hard to let that go. But I do enjoy my independence.