I can see why women stick with men who have money

[FayeGovan]

I mean even when they arent a great match. Money makes life easier. I have friends in this position, they arent worrying about the energy cap or the price of lurpak. They have their own new cars and holidays to look forward to. They work part time in an undemanding job. Nights out and weekends away aren't a worry.
I can understand why they are with husbands they dont particularly like or love though.
Its not for me but i cant see why they do it.

Doh! I've been shocked since DH died that (household) income has gone down and yet almost all my expenses are the same. Some costs have even gone up. E.g we used to use a Two Together railcard and use 241 offers for meals and days out. Not available on your own.

That's true, marriage is at heart a legal construct, the introduction of "romance" into this is a new invention. And there are obvious financial benefits to having combined finances.

But those benefits can rapidly become a millstone around your neck if you start to depend on the combined firepower. If you start to live within the means of the combined unit, you are vulnerable if that unit dissolves. Obviously to some extent all families depend on combining finances, but the critical thing is to leave yourself the ability to disentangle without bringing the whole edifice crashing down on you.

There's a big difference between combining forces to go on an expensive holiday and sharing some utility bills, say, and having three quarters of your mortgage paid for by someone else. The first are sensible examples of cutting the cost of something, the latter is hitching your wagon to something which is entirely dependent on your spouse's good will and good intentions.

Also we don't need to live like this any more so why should we? In the past many women had no other way to (respectably) support themselves. These days, as long as you are able bodied and healthy, you don't have to depend on a man for all your financial support. You have a choice.

Looking for opinions on an odd one!

DH and I send our children to private school. We can afford it ok - but that’s because he works very hard in a highly stressful job that requires sacrifice from us all, and him most of all ( cancelled holidays, missed school events etc)

DH’s sister and her partner upped and moved to an area where they knew nobody mainly because it had good state schools, and they couldn’t afford private.

Now, DH’s other brother has announced that as there “ no good state schools” where he lives and “they don’t want to move”, their parents have offered to put his two boys through private senior school. Not our children nor his sister’s, just his. For context, he changed careers recently to allow him to spend more time with his children and is a low earner so would not be able to afford the fees himself

Thoughts?! AIBU to think this highly unfair?

I'm not convinced. I still believe if you marry a man for money, you really will earn every penny.

Settling for someone 'ok-ish' who happens to be wealthy might be more acceptable, but I still couldn't do it. I prefer to earn my own.

You're not wrong. But what should a couple with a significantly higher earning partner do? Live down to the lower income rather than up to the higher one?

@ReneBumsWombats

I agree there isn't a perfect solution and the longer a couple are together, and particularly if they have children, inevitably, the more financially entangled they become.

But that's fine, as long as the weaker financial partner (usually the woman) retains a thread of financial independence.

If you share a mortgage but have a job and can cover things for a few months that's a very different position from having your mortgage entirely paid for by your husband, leaving you on the street if things go tits up. Which is essentially what the OP is talking about.

I think everyone can make their own decisions about what’s important to them.

But just to add on the other side of things, there’s a huge amount of women with dickheads who treat them badly AND give them no financial security. That sucks worse and is way more common.

My mum always said as she got older 'better to be miserable in comfort' - I always thought it was very sad- but I do know what she means.

Haven’t read the full thread so don’t know if it’s already been said but living like this puts you in a very vulnerable position.

I worked in a very corporate world for a while and most of the SMT were on their second wives by the time they were 45.

One first wive was approaching 40 and worried sick that she would soon be ‘replaced’. Another first wife had 3 children with her husband was also early 40’s and he left her for a 24 year old co-worker. Another was on his third wife and was around 50 but each time the new wife was mid 20’s!

Its a wonderful life to have in your mid 20’s to mid 30’s when you’re young and adored but by e time you’re nudging 40 you’re in a very precarious position!

Depends on the woman.

I'm not doubting that money takes away a lot of worries. And if you're happy sitting back then I suppose it can be great.

But if you're a career women, who earn less than your DH. It can extremely infuriating to have step back in your career because theirs pays so much better.

There's so many permutations though isn't there? An asshole is an asshole whether he's rich or poor. And there's no point being with a rich man (for his money) if you've no access to it.

I do think like for like having money makes for an easier life. And it's easier to be together without love if there's no challenges.

Loads of people just get on ok but stock together because it's easier, financially viable and because they don't want to split access to kids. So long as they like and respect each other I think it's ok, even to stay with someone for the lifestyle that being together offers. It's a problem if they actually don't like each other at all, for sure.

Financial security is a big reason a lot of women are stuck in terrible relationships. I guess I’m almost lucky that my ex lost his job around the same time he cheated, that made money not even a factor.

Sometimes I think I’d quite like to team up with another single parent of either gender who I got on well with and be a two-income household, like a platonic marriage. Would be easier, and I have no desire to date. Ah well, I’m also good with going it alone.

The whole marrying for love is a very new phenomena. People always married because it made sense for them, for various reasons.

True.

Does he have a tenancy on his own farm?
Is he a brawler?
Does he go to church on Sundays?
Does he get rip roaring drunk on market days?

People didn't have the luxury of waiting for true love so they had to be pragmatic.

That's so depressing....

Also so untrue. There's no misery like the misery of having to stay with someone because they are paying the bills.

Totally agree. So many women still try to marry money rather than make it themselves. Yet we judge these women much more favourably than their male equivalents.

i know quite a few women who settled for dull men because they had a reasonable income. I really think that’s sexist and outdated. They’re now trapped in dull relationships with someone mildly irritating.

i cannot imagine having to tolerate someone living in my house and sleeping in my bed because I needed their income. I am an independent woman and teaching my dds to be the same.

Also as the former higher earner in my relationship, I can imagine how it must feel to have someone stay with you for the money (although that didn’t happen but I certainly resented carrying most of the financial burden). Doesn’t make for a healthy or happy relationship for either party.

imo it’s toxic to be with someone you don’t like for money.

Unless you marry someone with exactly three same income as you and whose career developes at the same rate, won't there always be one partner who will experience a significant change in lifestyle if you split?

Even if you are equal there are sound financial reasons not to split and have to run two households on the same income. It's not all about women "marrying for money", its just a fact of life that it's financially easier to live as a couple than separately.

NC for this. I wouldn't say I married for money, but I certainly married someone who could take care of me financially and allow me the freedom to live my life without the constraints of work. He's not massively wealthy but decent career and significant inheritance make my life (and my children's life's) a hell of a lot easier. I care about asset protection, and I don't spend excessively for the fun of it.

If you have the option to marry someone with money, and you care about them and they are easy enough to live with. Why not?

So many people marry for love and that sometimes doesn't work out either!

I will probably look at building my own career once the kids have grown up. But like I said, I didn't marry FOR money, but it was a part of the reason why I did choose to marry. The financial situation of partners is something that should be considered. (Although I'm glad my DH didn't care about this!)

Is it more common though? And why is it better if a dh who treats you badly is wealthy? I really don’t think it is.

i think some women still expect men to financially take care of them and if he doesn’t he is not a good partner. I disagree - an equal relationship is best imo.

Reading threads on here I often think women should give more consideration to the practical reasons for marriage rather than marrying/ having children with deadbeats "just" for love.

@JustForThisOne7

Does your oh know that's why you married him?

@Topgub

I don't think you read my post properly?

@JustForThisOne7 @CanThisBe

I don't think there's anything wrong with acknowledging that a solvent man is likely to be a better bet as a marriage partner than one with no money but that should be part of a partnership, surely?

If you don't have any of your own money it's a whole different ballgame. You have no freedom or independence. He calls all the shots. What if he cheats? Or is horrible? Or you decide you want to do something with that money which he doesn't approve of. Your entire life has been built on something which you have no fundamental control over.

Does he own the land next to us? That way our cows will have more space to eat grass.

Married has always been a partnership of convenience, marrying for love is a very modern invention that doesn't last too long.