I can see why women stick with men who have money

[FayeGovan]

I mean even when they arent a great match. Money makes life easier. I have friends in this position, they arent worrying about the energy cap or the price of lurpak. They have their own new cars and holidays to look forward to. They work part time in an undemanding job. Nights out and weekends away aren't a worry.
I can understand why they are with husbands they dont particularly like or love though.
Its not for me but i cant see why they do it.

Men always want the same thing regardless of our age.. - Beauty and youth. We don't care about occupation or money.

That's utter bollocks and you know it. Just based on my own personal anecdata. I've been in three separate relationships with men younger than me, in one case over a decade younger. I've been in serious relationships with men who were by any conventional standard more physically beautiful than me but were attracted to me because of my personality.

I've also been passed over and dumped for women who were less conservatively attractive than me but were more confident and charismatic.

I'll correct for you:

Insecure, stupid and regressive men always want the same thing regardless of our age.. - Beauty and youth. We don't care about occupation or money.

@SteveUK4 Men always want the same thing regardless of our age.. - Beauty and youth. We don't care about occupation or money.

Wrong. My dear brother is in his 40's and just left his super hot young poorer girlfriend for another girl who is older and waaaay uglier because she's a top financial CEO who happens to be loaded. He has admitted he's chosen her because of her money, so men marry for money too (funny thing that's not condoned by society). "Beauty and youth" may be qualities men look for when it comes to a short sex fling but defo not in a long time partner.

I have security. And that means something. Yes, I could have built it myself, but I probably wouldn't have been able to build what I have.

Why not?

Oh dear. The incel is back again to share his wisdom.

That’s sad. I like being a single mum - no one to answer to and my money is mine

I suppose it depends on what you consider to be the baseline for comfort and/or affluence, doesn't it? Obviously everyone's circumstances are different, but I've achieved a level of financial security by myself, without any particular advantages (e.g. wealthy parents, particularly high flying job) so don't see why a similar lifestyle wouldn't be achievable for most other women too. So, yes, to me luxury above and beyond what is comparatively easy to get myself would consist of material things like designer stuff and multiple holidays. That's my reality, not me kidding myself.

The average full time pay gap between men and women is now fairly low, and getting lower year on year. More women than men are now going to university, which is usually a barometer (not exact) of getting better paid jobs. Therefore there's no real reason why the average woman wouldn't be able to lead a very similar lifestyle with a similar level of financial security than the average man.

Obviously people in partnerships will generally have more financial security than single people, but that's not limited to heterosexual romantic relationships.

I suppose it depends on what you consider to be the baseline for comfort and/or affluence, doesn't it?

To an extent, I suppose so. But I don't expect that the of financial security you have achieved, and of which you are justly proud, is just handbags and cocktails.

financial security though that is dependent on tolerating someone you don’t really like or like enough to want to live with if they didn’t have any money isn’t security. I’m a single mum and my security is that I have made my own money and financial security. That’s real security not relying on some man who has money who you don’t like.

Couldn't agree more.

Life is short. To not make of it what one could, due to compromises made for live of another's money... must be very embarrassing when looking in the mirror.

And that's your prerogative. I don't think anyone would criticise you for it.

However, I'm responding to the person who thought that financial security in marriage was essentially about bags and drinks. Unimaginative, if nothing else. Financial security, however you find it, is more than fripperies. It's a way of avoiding certain horrible hardships and opening up more life opportunities, for yourself and down your line of children and beyond. It's a long-term thing that affects one's overall quality of life. Not the only thing, of course, but an important thing. Reducing it down to accessories and nights out is a facile oversimplification.

Indeed. Although your post highlights that there is a difference between financial "security" and financial independence. The latter means it isn't dependent on anybody else, so represents true freedom to make choices that are uninhibited by things that should have nothing to do with money (like whether to stay in relationships). To entangle those things is so unhealthy. Providing for yourself is essential IMO and this is what I will be teaching both my daughter and my son.

I would settle for money more than romance now

years of being single parent struggling for money constantly worried about money not having a holiday for years always budgeting drags me down even if it is off my own back

but I would never totally rely on a man for money a surprising number of women do

Thank god! I fancy my husband. My husband is high earner. And i’m a housewife. I’m not working. I have two small kids so I can’t worK.
i drove new range rover, have house, not worry about price. i’m very lucky and have a good life now.

but i ever poor aswell in my 20’s before married my husband. Minimum wage, pay expensive rent. Have to save first if i want something. And let me tell you its much easier life with money. Even if you dont love your husband. Its still miserable being poor. Thats why lots of miserable rich woman stay in the marriage.

people who think This is not right or their life is must be miserable than them is must be never living the rich life i think.

as long as there is no abuse its always better live with money.

@HRTQueen I totally understand as well.

I've been a single parent since I was 19 and I'm 41 now with two small ones. It's such a struggle all the time but I have managed to do things with them with my one salary. I do daydream sometimes though if I was to meet a man who had money and married him etc. if things broke down would I jump ship because I'm unhappy or would I stay because I just don't want to struggle anymore.
I'm quite hot headed and would probably desperately want to leave so I'm not sad or even want him around me but then I'd struggle knowing that it would be hand to mouth again

I can afford my own Lurpak forever thanks to my

always working, saving investing etc and not relying on handouts from DH. Despite also contributing to the household 50%.
I'm independent financially and made sure that I always will be.

The thing is, most people here saying no thanks have a career. The women I'm talking about dont wnt a career, thru want an easy life and husbands money makes this possible. Maybe part time in a school office term time suits them fine, long holidays but not the hassle of teaching. Im sure we all know women like this, not unhappy but more a marriage of convenience. He gets his house run and donner cooked and she gets a new merc and 2 weeks in the sun. Yet to listen to her you cant understand why she puts up with him and his moods/temper/selfishness etc. Then she tells you hes been having affairs for years but she'd never give him up and let someone else live her lifestyle. She's usually late 40s onwards and likes the girls weekends away and posh gym. She doesn't want to slog her guts out at work and pay her own bills, her part time income she keeps to herself pays for the little things and he covers the main expenses. Seems to suit them both but what a cost. Self worth must go out the window.

Each to their own I suppose. A few of my friends are married to wealthy men, but they come from wealthy families themselves so would always have money even if they left their husbands. Invariably all work but in jobs they are passionate about but don't pay great like the arts. For me that would actually be the biggest thing, it would be you'd have the chance to spend your time as you want and following your interests than invariably settling for a job that pays the bills but doesn't set your soul on fire. Sigh. Life's too short to be miserable though so I suppose if someone was in a very unhappy relationship they'd have to choose which they valued more. My inner feminist is screaming but I do have to say I like the idea of it, hah

In some cases, the women in those arrangements don't care about the affairs because they don't want to sleep with him and they're just glad the job is being outsourced.

It can work if they're both clear on what the deal is. The danger is that with no love keeping them together, it's more likely that someone's head will be turned.

Do we know the same woman/women?!

I just commented on another thread but about this particular guy who's a complete dick and has had multiple affairs. How is a mystery but his wife is still with him.

I'm sure she loved him once upon a time but not so sure nowadays. But he earns multiples of six figures and she work PT. If she left she'd have half of their assets but doesn't earn much so wouldn't have anywhere near the lifestyle she has now. Multiple exotic holidays, a home to die for, nice everything and able to do/buy whatever she wants, weekends away with friends. But she has to put up with him.

It's funny how so many threads on AIBU are related but she enables the toxic, entitled male characters, has married well, has no need to worry about £6000 energy bills etc etc. Putting up with a complete dickhead is the least of her worries.

Colleen Rooney is an extreme example of this. Later it possibly became about wanting her children in a two parent family and her not admitting she might have made the wrong choice. Some people haven't had examples of good marriages around them, so don't think that they can exist, or that marriages last, so they settle will the lesser of evil, because they see money is a cushion against worse case scenarios.

I used to be idealistic when i was younger, and more prone to agree with you OP. But self worth doesn't come from other people, it doesn't come from marking out where you come out in looks or finances or status. It comes from working out what is important to you and finding a way to make that work without hurting anyone else. Well that's where my self worth comes from. So what if some woman decides that financial security is more important than love? I know a lot of families who decided that love was more important than financial security and that has a whole lot of problems as well!

I spend a lot of time and energy trying to create opportunities for people that don't have any. A women in a marriage of convenience has opportunities to leave, but it is her decision to weigh up and decide what to do surely? Live and let live.

@Ponoka7 spot on!
The first celebrity that came to mind was Colleen Rooney but then I have some women I know who's partner is not a footballer who still put up with the same rubbish for a nice house and the latest Audi 🙄

You don't have to look far on this forum to find women who won't leave an arsehole because it would mean giving up a two-bedroom terrace in some boring town somewhere, so it shouldn't be too surprising that other women put up with the same shit for far more.