I can see why women stick with men who have money

[FayeGovan]

I mean even when they arent a great match. Money makes life easier. I have friends in this position, they arent worrying about the energy cap or the price of lurpak. They have their own new cars and holidays to look forward to. They work part time in an undemanding job. Nights out and weekends away aren't a worry.
I can understand why they are with husbands they dont particularly like or love though.
Its not for me but i cant see why they do it.

I can see why too OP. Nobody is perfect and everyone puts up with something it's just usually different... weather it be lack of helping around the house, not that adventurous, tight with money, women and the list goes on.

It's depressing that even now some women, if they want a certain lifestyle, seek a man with money rather than earning it themselves. I think it shows a huge lack of self-worth, self-respect and ambition.

I would never mix finances and a relationship again. The former is a personal matter and for me it is essential to be financially independent. The latter is for fun/ emotional fulfilment.

I think one of the reasons so many people are stuck in unhappy relationships is because they have allowed finances to become entangled Much easier to maintain healthy boundaries and simply stop spending time with someone if they make you unhappy, if you have financial freedom.

I shall be raising both of my children to understand this.

Surely that kind of relationship has been the norm for several thousand years? Why would anyone logically choose a partner unable to provide for them both and any children. In the past you generally had a mutually beneficial relationships founded on mutual hard work and respect or wealth/assets/protection. Yes, as women we can now do most of this for ourselves, particularly in the West, but that feels a fairly recent development culturally at least to me, and will take some time to become the accepted normal surely?

There are loads of things that just work better with a partner you can rely on - stupid example but a recent one for me (since you mentioned cars in the OP) is getting my car serviced - so much easier with two people, as one parent can do the school run while the other one drops off the car and walks home.

I know you said "stupid example" but I cannot comprehend how some people stay in unhappy relationships over such trivialities that are so easily fixed: the garage that service my car collect it and drop it home again afterwards. 🤷🏻‍♀️

@DreamOfSilence I would never mix finances and a relationship again. The former is a personal matter and for me it is essential to be financially independent. The latter is for fun/ emotional fulfilment

you’ve summed up exactly my position on this , perfectly put

But there's always a pay-off, whether they're conscious of it or not.

It’s really not as simple as that. The vast majority of jobs aren’t well paid, it’s not like women just “choose” not to earn enough. There are only a certain amount of well paid jobs compared to people on the planet. I know people with very high level degrees who are in basic admin work that doesn’t pay enough to support themselves.

And some women are with shitty men who are also skint.
If you are stuck with a Dickhead then better a rich one than a poor one

Of course the ideal is a decent man with money or a decent man and your own financial independence but I can’t understand women who stay with awful men for no discernible reason (other than but I looooooovvvveee him!)

Fully agree OP! Broke men can treat their partners badly- as long as a partner isnt abusive, if I lived my life again, I'd probably pick financial security above most else in a partner.

What sexist stereotypes.

I think it depends on "used to love each, grown apart, he's fine just got nothing in common, up for sex occasionally altho might pretend he's Jason Statham" and "never really loved him, he's a dick, tolerate sex occasionally by zoning out, can't stand being around him"

I could see the logic in putting up with the former whilst the kids are at home. I wouldn't want to lose my kids 50/50, move them into a smaller rented house away from their friends etc.

Works for men and women
if you quite like the person, it can certainly work

there has to be some back up though surely, in case of break up or the myriad of reasons that might cause £ issues.

There's also a difference between being married to a decent person you don't love but don't mind, and an absolute arsehole.

I agree with this. Clearly if you're desperately unhappy or in an abusive relationship then you should leave. But my friend is in a marriage where she doesn't love her DH. She says that although she doesn't love him anymore, he's not a bad guy and her life is easier staying together. Financially, practically having another pair of hands so she is can go out with friends etc and habe a night off or a weekend away and someone is looking after the DC, she gets to stay in the house she loves etc etc. I can see why she does it if she's not actively miserable and if she thinks doing it as a single parent or only having her DC half the time would be more stressful.

The issue I can see is that there's potential for an affair on either side in relationships like this and if either one gives into temptation then they're setting a bomb off in their life.

It's true that marrying for love as the norm is a fairly new phenomenon though. I don't think it's ever been thought ideal not to love your partner but it wasn't the priority.

I'm not talking about a fortune. I'm talking about achieving a certain degree of financial stability prior to having children to ensure that you can provide for them and yourself without being reliant on anybody else.

I am so grateful to my former self that I did this otherwise my children and I would be struggling now.

I think it's very important to teach young people - especially girls - to consider these things and plan accordingly now that we have a society which makes it possible for women to protect themselves and their children and their freedom to leave unhappy relationships. Having grown up in our situation, I hope my daughter will be very aware of this and not ever make herself reliant on a man. That isn't a healthy relationship dynamic, anyway, even if it lasts and doesn't become utterly miserable.

But if financially independent you wouldn't have to move them into a rented house. That's the point.

They have their own new cars and holidays to look forward to.

In the context of your post, though - NOT their own?

You don't have to be a homeowner to be financially independent. It may require a lifestyle change but if you can sustain yourself reasonably, you are independent even if you're not as well off as before.

Life is really expensive as a single person. Even if you have a good job (as I do) I've been re

How do you know they "aren't a great match" though OP? Who are you to say? And how do you know they don't live their husbands - have they explicitly told you this?

For every one woman in the kind of relationship you describe, there will be thousands who stay with men who are far worse and have no money!

I know a couple of women and men in this situation. Only one of them seems bothered and trapped. The others seem chilled and content but who knows what it's like behind closed doors. I can understand the desire and I am sometimes jealous of their lifestyles - the holidays etc... In one relationship I know the rich person best and they are not that happy.

It's true that marrying for love as the norm is a fairly new phenomenon though. I don't think it's ever been thought ideal not to love your partner but it wasn't the priority.

I agree. And isn't it wonderful that we've moved on from a world where women were viewed as property to be traded between families in a transactional manner? How miserable.

So, now that our daughters - and indeed we as adults - have a societal structure where women can have successful careers or run businesses just as men can, we should absolutely take advantage of that and be financially free, and pursue relationships only if we want to, with who we want to, for as long as we actually want to and not a day more.

The women have told me this