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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable....

196 replies

Kitchenlight · 05/09/2022 23:35

I arranged a dinner for friends visiting from abroad (their first time in three years). We agreed a small group - some people they know and some they'd like to get to know.
One of the invitees (A) is a good friend of my visitors (and someone I've known for a long time) and wrote to me ten days before the event and said her husband is away and her babysitter has cancelled. She asked if my children were free to babysit (they aren't) and said if they weren't could she bring her seven year old daughter along or she'd have to cancel. . Her daughter loves my visitors (and they her), and is a fabulous child who enjoys chatting to adults, but I really want an adult evening and her daughter will inevitably change the dynamic and shift my visitors attention away from the other adult guests.
I said I would prefer it to be an adults only evening but of course if she couldn't find a babysitter she should bring her daughter. A said she had no other options for babysitting so I offered to help her find someone and she said yes please. After asking around I eventually found a known, trusted and cheap babysitter and told A - who then said that actually she couldn't afford to pay for a babysitter as her financial situation is changing (they are a dual income professional family but her husband is about to go freelance). Also, she added, her daughter really wanted to come and might not get many other chances to see the visitors (A will be spending time with them on other days but she said it might be difficult to arrange much time for the visitors to see her daughter as she keeps weekends for family time).
I reiterated I'd prefer it to be an adult only evening and that I'd love her to be there and said I'd pay for the babysitter (it seemed the simplest solution). A said she couldn't accept me paying and reiterated her daughter really wanted to come and said they could both arrive early and leave early (which will be sad for my guests, but also awkward ... at what point will they leave? )
I'd like A to come and my friends would love to see her but I want an adult evening. It's taken effort to organise this (i asked everyone two months ago) and it's already quite stressful (unexpected events mean I'll get to my own dinner late). For context: I am a single parent on a single income so i am sympathetic to babysitting concerns and constraints.
AIBU - or should I just go with it?
And also, more importantly, can you think of any solutions that will make everyone happy?

OP posts:
MaryHoldTheCandleSteadyWhileIShaveTheChickensLeg · 05/09/2022 23:38

By 'make everyone happy', you mean make 'you' happy don't you?

If it was me I'd let her come but we're all different.

FlipFlopShopInHawaii · 05/09/2022 23:44

Sounds to me like she doesn't want a solution, she wants to bring her daughter. If your want an adult only dinner then it's tell her that she and her daughter can come over earlier in the day to say hello but will have to go before dinner. Or else come over in the morning for breakfast, would that work?

Original poster
Kitchenlight · 05/09/2022 23:53

FlipFlopShopInHawaii · 05/09/2022 23:44

Sounds to me like she doesn't want a solution, she wants to bring her daughter. If your want an adult only dinner then it's tell her that she and her daughter can come over earlier in the day to say hello but will have to go before dinner. Or else come over in the morning for breakfast, would that work?

the visitors aren't staying with me. So A could arrange to meet them beforehand herself. She's seeing them other days anyway.
I'm not even going to be home until the same time as everyone arrives as I've got a meeting that came up after I booked this date..
friend is

OP posts:
Original poster
Kitchenlight · 05/09/2022 23:53

MaryHoldTheCandleSteadyWhileIShaveTheChickensLeg · 05/09/2022 23:38

By 'make everyone happy', you mean make 'you' happy don't you?

If it was me I'd let her come but we're all different.

Why?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 05/09/2022 23:55

I assume you've told your other guests that it's an adult only dinner. Having a seven year old about will certainly change the dynamic.

I think A is being incredibly rude by basically insisting that her child attend your dinner. She should have declined/bowed out gracefully and made other arrangements to see your visitor.

Original poster
Kitchenlight · 05/09/2022 23:56

Aquamarine1029 · 05/09/2022 23:55

I assume you've told your other guests that it's an adult only dinner. Having a seven year old about will certainly change the dynamic.

I think A is being incredibly rude by basically insisting that her child attend your dinner. She should have declined/bowed out gracefully and made other arrangements to see your visitor.

I hadn't mentioned to anyone it was as adult only dinner as it hadn't occurred to anyone else to bring their children. They're not even bringing their partners!

OP posts:
MaryHoldTheCandleSteadyWhileIShaveTheChickensLeg · 05/09/2022 23:58

Kitchenlight · 05/09/2022 23:53

Why?

Show quote history

Why what?

If you mean why would I let her come, it's because your friend obviously doesn't want to leave her with a strange babysitter. I wouldn't have left my child with a stranger and as a child, I wouldn't have wanted to be left with a stranger.

I really wouldn't mind, but as I said we're all different and if you don't want the child there you need to be firm with your friend about it.

Shamoo · 06/09/2022 00:03

You should surely ask your visitors what they want and go with that, as the dinner is for them.

Original poster
Kitchenlight · 06/09/2022 00:03

MaryHoldTheCandleSteadyWhileIShaveTheChickensLeg · 05/09/2022 23:58

Why what?

If you mean why would I let her come, it's because your friend obviously doesn't want to leave her with a strange babysitter. I wouldn't have left my child with a stranger and as a child, I wouldn't have wanted to be left with a stranger.

I really wouldn't mind, but as I said we're all different and if you don't want the child there you need to be firm with your friend about it.

Show quote history

Ah yes. I'm pretty sure it's not about the strangeness of the babysitter.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kitchenlight · 06/09/2022 00:05

Shamoo · 06/09/2022 00:03

You should surely ask your visitors what they want and go with that, as the dinner is for them.

I've thought of that but I don't want to push this burden of decision making onto them. I' feel awkward enough about it.

OP posts:
Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 06/09/2022 00:05

Of course you don’t want a child, however charming and well behaved, at an adults only dinner.
Your guest can’t come through unexpected circumstances. What a shame, no one’s fault , move on. ( because if she is that determined to bring the child, she will insist that the child is going to be the centre of attention, and that’s not satisfactory)

ItsJustLittleOlMe · 06/09/2022 00:05

She is being very pushy about her daughter attending, isn't she? She's being rude. I'd say that as it was an adult only event, you could perhaps catch up the next day or another time.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 06/09/2022 00:06

YANBU at all.

She can not keep weekends for family time for once or twice, can’t she? That’s the obvious solution to her dd getting to see the visitors. Not gatecrashing the adults only dinner.

Can she not take a hint?

Whatsonmymindgrapes · 06/09/2022 06:14

Ask your guests what they want. It’s their night not yours. It’s their night, it’s not really about what you want.

loudlylikealion · 06/09/2022 06:20

And also, more importantly, can you think of any solutions that will make everyone happy no unfortunately it seems there aren't any. She wants to bring her child, you don't want her to bring her child.

I said I would prefer it to be an adults only evening but of course if she couldn't find a babysitter she should bring her daughter. why did you day that and then shut her down everytime she's tried to say "look I need to bring her with me".

Ilovelindor · 06/09/2022 06:26

Is her partner coming?

Why can't the child's father stay home with them to allow A to come?

Ilovelindor · 06/09/2022 06:27

I should add if DH and I didn't have a baby sitter, one of us still usually goes on our own to these types of things.

olympicsrock · 06/09/2022 06:27

There is no compromise here and she is being very pushy. It’s not right but I think you will look the bad guy if you tell her not to come.
the solution is to insist that 7 year old says hello for 10 mins ( or until you arrive) then watches tv in another room during the meal and doesn’t join the adults again

FOJN · 06/09/2022 06:35

There is no 'please everybody' option here.

You need to accept that A will be pissed off is she has to cancel because her daughter can't come or decide you will be annoyed because you felt you had to give up on an adults only evening.

I don't think A wants a solution, she wants to bring her daughter. I would say you're sorry she can't make it and you look forward to seeing her soon. I hate being manipulated by people who cannot accept not getting their own way.

Lollypop701 · 06/09/2022 06:36

I’d say that it’s a shame none of your compromises have worked out but as she will be seeing the guests anyway you’ll see her again. It’s not ok to accept an invitation and then change the itinerary completely.

Starryskiesinthesky · 06/09/2022 06:41

I wouldn't want the child there either, it totally changes the dynamics, but I do think the mistake you made was saying she could bring her if she couldn't arrange anything else.

You just need to be assertive tho- sorry I want it just adults so it's a shame if that means you can't make the meal, but I'm sure they'd love to meet you another time.

Christonabike37 · 06/09/2022 06:43

I'd be really pissed off if I was one of your other guests and I'd arranged and paid for a babysitter to spend my evening with someone else's 7yo. Either all kids come or none do. It's either an adults or a family party and why should some have to pay for babysitters if others don't?

Original poster
Kitchenlight · 06/09/2022 06:44

loudlylikealion · 06/09/2022 06:20

And also, more importantly, can you think of any solutions that will make everyone happy no unfortunately it seems there aren't any. She wants to bring her child, you don't want her to bring her child.

I said I would prefer it to be an adults only evening but of course if she couldn't find a babysitter she should bring her daughter. why did you day that and then shut her down everytime she's tried to say "look I need to bring her with me".

Because she said she the problem was she didn't have a babysitter. . But then when she did have a babysitter she said her daughter wanted to come anyway.

OP posts:
BraveGoldie · 06/09/2022 06:47

I think she is being very thoughtless.

Only compromise I can think of is she can come, hang out for half an hour, then have a treat kiddy cinema night with TV dinner/ popcorn/ whatever makes it feel nice in adjacent room.... at 7, that might be ok and she'd be reasonably low maintenance?

OnTheBrinkOfChange · 06/09/2022 06:50

All you can do is say that's a shame, let me know if you change your mind about the babysitter. Having a seven-year-old that will change the whole dynamic and quite frankly ruin it!