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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable....

196 replies

Kitchenlight · 05/09/2022 23:35

I arranged a dinner for friends visiting from abroad (their first time in three years). We agreed a small group - some people they know and some they'd like to get to know.
One of the invitees (A) is a good friend of my visitors (and someone I've known for a long time) and wrote to me ten days before the event and said her husband is away and her babysitter has cancelled. She asked if my children were free to babysit (they aren't) and said if they weren't could she bring her seven year old daughter along or she'd have to cancel. . Her daughter loves my visitors (and they her), and is a fabulous child who enjoys chatting to adults, but I really want an adult evening and her daughter will inevitably change the dynamic and shift my visitors attention away from the other adult guests.
I said I would prefer it to be an adults only evening but of course if she couldn't find a babysitter she should bring her daughter. A said she had no other options for babysitting so I offered to help her find someone and she said yes please. After asking around I eventually found a known, trusted and cheap babysitter and told A - who then said that actually she couldn't afford to pay for a babysitter as her financial situation is changing (they are a dual income professional family but her husband is about to go freelance). Also, she added, her daughter really wanted to come and might not get many other chances to see the visitors (A will be spending time with them on other days but she said it might be difficult to arrange much time for the visitors to see her daughter as she keeps weekends for family time).
I reiterated I'd prefer it to be an adult only evening and that I'd love her to be there and said I'd pay for the babysitter (it seemed the simplest solution). A said she couldn't accept me paying and reiterated her daughter really wanted to come and said they could both arrive early and leave early (which will be sad for my guests, but also awkward ... at what point will they leave? )
I'd like A to come and my friends would love to see her but I want an adult evening. It's taken effort to organise this (i asked everyone two months ago) and it's already quite stressful (unexpected events mean I'll get to my own dinner late). For context: I am a single parent on a single income so i am sympathetic to babysitting concerns and constraints.
AIBU - or should I just go with it?
And also, more importantly, can you think of any solutions that will make everyone happy?

OP posts:
Festoonlights · 06/09/2022 07:18

Yes she has changed the goal posts.

I would leave it, and not have her there op. You are also making a rod for your own back, as I guarantee this will become the new normal if you back down and include the child. It will ruin your dinner, and then she will churn out the no babysitter excuse every time.

My SIL used to do this to her friends, she told me it was to develop my nieces conversation skills and so DN's would feel 'included' in adult parties. I felt very sorry for her friends at the time, and wondered how many strained conversations had take place before they finally dropped SIL. SIL now only has one couple left as friends and does everything 'as a family'. It is nauseating and odd. She now gets drunk with her kids at the weekends, and invited herself on their teen holidays. It is messed up and intrusive.

Bargoed · 06/09/2022 07:20

Just say no FFS - it's an adults evening, you offered a solution, she refused - game over. How the fuck some of you get anything done in a day is just beyond me.

PurpleDaisies · 06/09/2022 07:20

Just tell her that it doesn’t work to bring the daughter so you’ll see her another time. I would hate it to have a child at at an adult dinner party, especially the sort of child who “loves talking to adults”.

deeperthanallroses · 06/09/2022 07:21

I think I’d just say look I’m sorry that doesn’t seem an option for you. organising this dinner was a lot of effort, it’s a real shame if you can’t make it but you and daughter will have to catch up with visitors another time. It just isn’t a great option, my dc are busy and it’s an adults dinner. If your dd really wants to see them I’m sure she’s happy to do that on the weekend!

I mean, I do not care that her weekends are family time. She and her daughter as a family can see them. Your dinner is an adults dinner. Why are your priorities unimportant and hers critical?

Original poster
Kitchenlight · 06/09/2022 07:21

Festoonlights · 06/09/2022 07:10

If you hadn't organised a paid for babysitter I think it would have been awkward, but as you have already offered a perfect solution, she is being very very unreasonable. I doubt her babysitter cancelled, she just wants her kid there. I could not deal with a friend like this, who insisted she can not join an adult dinner without her child attending.

She does attend events and dinners all the time without her daughter. Her professional life requires her to mingle. I've been out at night time with her before and she's never brought her daughter along. Either her husband is home or she has a sitter. I think she just wants her daughter to come as she thinks her daughter will enjoy it and feels her daughter is someone who adds to events. She's a charming and engaging child. But I don't want a seven year old joining in as she will change the dynamic.

OP posts:
Vallmo47 · 06/09/2022 07:21

I understand OP and it’s the sort of pickle I’d get myself in because I’d try to please everyone. It would have been better if you hadn’t said that if she absolutely can’t find a sitter, to bring her daughter. Clearly her intention was to bring the daughter all along and she’s being very pushy about the fact. I’d message her and say you’re sorry you can’t be of more help to find a babysitter but you’re worried people won’t be able to speak completely at ease with her daughter there (everyone knows that it takes certain subjects off the table!) so on this occasion sadly the daughter cannot come. If that means mum is also unable to attend that’s unfortunate but you will explain to the group and work hard to get everyone together soon again, and on that occasion kids will be welcome as well. End of story.

giveovernate · 06/09/2022 07:23

Whatsonmymindgrapes · 06/09/2022 06:14

Ask your guests what they want. It’s their night not yours. It’s their night, it’s not really about what you want.

Are you serious?

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 06/09/2022 07:23

Just say sorry but she can't come. A child will change the dynamic. You gave her a solution, she didn't take it which is her right, but then she has to understand she can't go. It's an adults only evening, her child is not a part of it. I'd just be really honest with her, she's rude to push it.

Sally872 · 06/09/2022 07:25

Yanbu. I would just say sorry no kids as she has other options ie babysitter you offered to pay for.

phishy · 06/09/2022 07:25

A will be spending time with them on other days but she said it might be difficult to arrange much time for the visitors to see her daughter as she keeps weekends for family time)

I missed this gem. So she wants to protect her precious family time at the expense of your dinner party?

Remainiac · 06/09/2022 07:28

phishy · 06/09/2022 07:25

A will be spending time with them on other days but she said it might be difficult to arrange much time for the visitors to see her daughter as she keeps weekends for family time)

I missed this gem. So she wants to protect her precious family time at the expense of your dinner party?

She’s got all her objections worked out hasn’t she? Look OP, this is a dialogue of the deaf - she wants her DD at the party, you don’t. Ball is in your court. You stick or twist.

Original poster
Kitchenlight · 06/09/2022 07:30

FabFitFifties · 06/09/2022 07:06

OP has already said, they are out late, then have homework. They are obviously too old to "play upstairs" with 7 year old. However, OP, you originally told her if she couldn't find a babysitter, she could bring her. You can't really go back on that, just because she declines your choice of babysitter. There is no way I would have left my 7 year old at home with a stranger.

My babysitter is not the problem. I actually found four babysitters locally!!!! (My kid babysit so I know lots of them) and rejected them all as I didn't know any of them well enough.. The person I offered up is a family friend, an older teen who currently volunteers full time with primary age kid and has been a babysitter and part time childminder for my god daughters. I can utterly vouch for her. That's not the issue.

OP posts:
Onlyforcake · 06/09/2022 07:32

She's not interested in solutions, she wants to bring her child along.

PurpleDaisies · 06/09/2022 07:32

Kitchenlight · 06/09/2022 07:30

My babysitter is not the problem. I actually found four babysitters locally!!!! (My kid babysit so I know lots of them) and rejected them all as I didn't know any of them well enough.. The person I offered up is a family friend, an older teen who currently volunteers full time with primary age kid and has been a babysitter and part time childminder for my god daughters. I can utterly vouch for her. That's not the issue.

Show quote history

You’re right. The primary issue is you have not clearly told her that her daughter is not invited. Are you going to do that? I get the feeling that you won’t.

Original poster
Kitchenlight · 06/09/2022 07:33

phishy · 06/09/2022 07:25

A will be spending time with them on other days but she said it might be difficult to arrange much time for the visitors to see her daughter as she keeps weekends for family time)

I missed this gem. So she wants to protect her precious family time at the expense of your dinner party?

it is pretty cheeky!

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 06/09/2022 07:35

Since when does “family time” mean never ever seeing anyone else?

MagpiePi · 06/09/2022 07:39

"Hi CF. I'm sorry you wont be coming to the dinner party, even though I did my best to arrange a babysitter for you. I'm sure you and your daughter will have lots of fun catching up with the guests separately. "

MagpiePi · 06/09/2022 07:41

From your original post it sounds like the CF is more friends with the visitors than she is with you, so it's not your responsibility to make sure they meet up and you shouldn't tie yourself in knots to make her happy.
She sounds like a nightmare!

phishy · 06/09/2022 07:43

I think you also need to be prepared for the possibility that she may just turn up with her dd and plan your response for that eventuality. Be prepared to turn her away at the door.

rookiemere · 06/09/2022 07:48

YANBU.

I'd hate this if I was one of the other guests. I'd find it hard to say No to her now, but I wonder if you can do something like have ore dinner nibbles for the first hour and then friend and her DD goes, or DD sits in the living room watching a film. Explain to your friend that you had planned an adult meal. If you're very explicit about her DD not being at the dining table for the full meal, that might work ( doubt it though as she seems very cheeky).

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 06/09/2022 07:50

I just wouldn't come if I was the friend as daughter isn't welcome and I wouldn't want to leave my child with a stranger

Aprilx · 06/09/2022 07:52

I completely understand that you want an adult evening, but you did say she could come if there were no other options. You gave her the green light with that because her mother is entitled to say what is a suitable childcare option.

I don’t think there is any outcome that is going to please everyone here, but insisting on the child free dinner, will probably suit more people than it inconveniences. You are going back on your word a bit though, in view of your earlier comment, so I think you are going to upset this friend.

Original poster
Kitchenlight · 06/09/2022 07:53

But she hasn't said it isn't a suitable child care option! She's said she's changed the goal posts and now thenissuebisnshe doesn't want to pay for childcare and more importantly that her daughter wants to come (even though she wasn't invited)

OP posts:
Original poster
Kitchenlight · 06/09/2022 07:55

MagpiePi · 06/09/2022 07:41

From your original post it sounds like the CF is more friends with the visitors than she is with you, so it's not your responsibility to make sure they meet up and you shouldn't tie yourself in knots to make her happy.
She sounds like a nightmare!

My friendship with the visitors pre dates hers and I've known them for longer.

OP posts:
User287264 · 06/09/2022 07:56

You're just going to have to say "sorry, she's not invited".
A is clearly not going to take the hint.

I bet they both just turn up anyway....