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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable....

196 replies

Kitchenlight · 05/09/2022 23:35

I arranged a dinner for friends visiting from abroad (their first time in three years). We agreed a small group - some people they know and some they'd like to get to know.
One of the invitees (A) is a good friend of my visitors (and someone I've known for a long time) and wrote to me ten days before the event and said her husband is away and her babysitter has cancelled. She asked if my children were free to babysit (they aren't) and said if they weren't could she bring her seven year old daughter along or she'd have to cancel. . Her daughter loves my visitors (and they her), and is a fabulous child who enjoys chatting to adults, but I really want an adult evening and her daughter will inevitably change the dynamic and shift my visitors attention away from the other adult guests.
I said I would prefer it to be an adults only evening but of course if she couldn't find a babysitter she should bring her daughter. A said she had no other options for babysitting so I offered to help her find someone and she said yes please. After asking around I eventually found a known, trusted and cheap babysitter and told A - who then said that actually she couldn't afford to pay for a babysitter as her financial situation is changing (they are a dual income professional family but her husband is about to go freelance). Also, she added, her daughter really wanted to come and might not get many other chances to see the visitors (A will be spending time with them on other days but she said it might be difficult to arrange much time for the visitors to see her daughter as she keeps weekends for family time).
I reiterated I'd prefer it to be an adult only evening and that I'd love her to be there and said I'd pay for the babysitter (it seemed the simplest solution). A said she couldn't accept me paying and reiterated her daughter really wanted to come and said they could both arrive early and leave early (which will be sad for my guests, but also awkward ... at what point will they leave? )
I'd like A to come and my friends would love to see her but I want an adult evening. It's taken effort to organise this (i asked everyone two months ago) and it's already quite stressful (unexpected events mean I'll get to my own dinner late). For context: I am a single parent on a single income so i am sympathetic to babysitting concerns and constraints.
AIBU - or should I just go with it?
And also, more importantly, can you think of any solutions that will make everyone happy?

OP posts:
TempName01 · 06/09/2022 07:59

You’ve already said she could come, I would be annoyed as well but when they arrive you can steer the child to a separate room with snacks, drinks, Tv, console etc and say you have set it up specially for her.

Original poster
Kitchenlight · 06/09/2022 08:00

Bargoed · 06/09/2022 07:20

Just say no FFS - it's an adults evening, you offered a solution, she refused - game over. How the fuck some of you get anything done in a day is just beyond me.

Well yes quite. I didn't get anything done for a day running around trying to find a babysitting solution for another very capable professional adult who uses childcare all the time.

OP posts:
Creepymanonagoatfarm · 06/09/2022 08:06

Tell her one of the guests is bringing Cards Against Humanity and best her dd isn't there...

familyissues12345 · 06/09/2022 08:06

Some people just think the world revolves around their children Confused

Fe345fleur · 06/09/2022 08:07

Politely reiterate that you want it to be an adults only evening, so you will have to catch up with her another time. She sounds determined to bring her child, so I think the only option you have is to un-invite her. It's your event and not reasonable for her to dictate the guest list!

LookItsMeAgain · 06/09/2022 08:13

MagpiePi · 06/09/2022 07:39

"Hi CF. I'm sorry you wont be coming to the dinner party, even though I did my best to arrange a babysitter for you. I'm sure you and your daughter will have lots of fun catching up with the guests separately. "

I agree with this.

That guest is being a right old CFer!

Original poster
Kitchenlight · 06/09/2022 08:20

I've offered another solution. I've explained that I really do like her daughter and it's partly because her daughter is so engaging that I'm worried she will pull attention away from the adults (this is true). I've suggested that she come for half an hour with her daughter and then my young relative comes and picks her up and takes her home for a babysit. I've told her my niece will do it for free in exchange for references. My niece is a super nice older teen who also babysits and is great with kids. I think this is really fair (beyond fair. I've never had another adult arrange my child care for me, and free to boot (I'll actually pay my niece). What do you think?

OP posts:
MrsLargeEmbodied · 06/09/2022 08:21

well you did say your teens would amuse the 7 year old,
that will have to occur

MrsLargeEmbodied · 06/09/2022 08:22

oh sorry, missed your excellent update,
best of luck

Original poster
Kitchenlight · 06/09/2022 08:22

( I'm a single mum and somehow managed all of my babysitting needs without involving other people in this way. )

OP posts:
rookiemere · 06/09/2022 08:23

I think that's a great solution- bet she says no to it.

loudlylikealion · 06/09/2022 08:23

FabFitFifties · 06/09/2022 07:06

OP has already said, they are out late, then have homework. They are obviously too old to "play upstairs" with 7 year old. However, OP, you originally told her if she couldn't find a babysitter, she could bring her. You can't really go back on that, just because she declines your choice of babysitter. There is no way I would have left my 7 year old at home with a stranger.

Yes you've already caved

Original poster
Kitchenlight · 06/09/2022 08:24

MrsLargeEmbodied · 06/09/2022 08:21

well you did say your teens would amuse the 7 year old,
that will have to occur

I'm not allowing my children to be manipulated to satisfy the needs of someone who has perfectly good other viable solutions

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 06/09/2022 08:24

Kitchenlight · 06/09/2022 08:20

I've offered another solution. I've explained that I really do like her daughter and it's partly because her daughter is so engaging that I'm worried she will pull attention away from the adults (this is true). I've suggested that she come for half an hour with her daughter and then my young relative comes and picks her up and takes her home for a babysit. I've told her my niece will do it for free in exchange for references. My niece is a super nice older teen who also babysits and is great with kids. I think this is really fair (beyond fair. I've never had another adult arrange my child care for me, and free to boot (I'll actually pay my niece). What do you think?

I think it’s a waste of time. Your friend has already made it clear she wants the daughter there. I’d be surprised if your friend goes for it. Maybe I’m too cynical these days.

Good luck! Be prepared to stand your ground when your friend says no.

LookItsMeAgain · 06/09/2022 08:27

I think you've gone above and beyond here. Instead of going to all of this trouble (and cost, even if your guest won't realise it, you've said that you'll pay your niece), I'd just say, it's a shame that A won't be able to make it after all and that the others will be in touch to arrange individual meet-ups, time permitting.

Why should you be out of pocket for this? The husband hasn't yet gone freelance so they would have the money for a babysitter, A is just choosing not to use one. A is a massive cheeky fucker here. You're paying for the food, wine and so on, why would you be paying for their babysitter too???

MrMrsJones · 06/09/2022 08:28

I would have just said, no sorry not this time, it's adults only

loudlylikealion · 06/09/2022 08:28

Kitchenlight · 06/09/2022 07:30

My babysitter is not the problem. I actually found four babysitters locally!!!! (My kid babysit so I know lots of them) and rejected them all as I didn't know any of them well enough.. The person I offered up is a family friend, an older teen who currently volunteers full time with primary age kid and has been a babysitter and part time childminder for my god daughters. I can utterly vouch for her. That's not the issue.

Show quote history

It would be an issue for me. I'd want a babysitter I trust not one you trust especially when you're desperate for the kid not to come so for all I'd know you could have chosen anybody who was free. You shouldn't have ever said her daughter could come.

The only solution now is for you to say sorry you can't come. And be honest that you don't want her kid there.

OctopusBreath · 06/09/2022 08:32

You've caved to her with the latest offer. No way will the DD only be there for half an hour.
Your friend is a CF.

Original poster
Kitchenlight · 06/09/2022 08:51

loudlylikealion · 06/09/2022 08:28

It would be an issue for me. I'd want a babysitter I trust not one you trust especially when you're desperate for the kid not to come so for all I'd know you could have chosen anybody who was free. You shouldn't have ever said her daughter could come.

The only solution now is for you to say sorry you can't come. And be honest that you don't want her kid there.

Show quote history

She's known me a long time. I've spent time with her daughter. She knows I'm a good parent and she knows I like her daughter. She knows there is absolutely no way I'd chuck a random person at her.

OP posts:
diddl · 06/09/2022 08:52

Kitchenlight · 06/09/2022 08:20

I've offered another solution. I've explained that I really do like her daughter and it's partly because her daughter is so engaging that I'm worried she will pull attention away from the adults (this is true). I've suggested that she come for half an hour with her daughter and then my young relative comes and picks her up and takes her home for a babysit. I've told her my niece will do it for free in exchange for references. My niece is a super nice older teen who also babysits and is great with kids. I think this is really fair (beyond fair. I've never had another adult arrange my child care for me, and free to boot (I'll actually pay my niece). What do you think?

Bloody hell!

What a lot of waffling bollocks!

MrsLargeEmbodied · 06/09/2022 08:57

she cant really refuse if your neice just turns up

Original poster
Kitchenlight · 06/09/2022 08:57

diddl · 06/09/2022 08:52

Bloody hell!

What a lot of waffling bollocks!

Show quote history

Can you be a bit more specific (really!)

OP posts:
Ohahjustalittlebit · 06/09/2022 08:59

OP why are you explaining yourself to people on here? You have organised a child free night. This pal of yours is insisting her child comes no matter what solution you throw at her. SHE is in the wrong. The child is not invited nor welcome so she either finds her own babysitter or forfeits the night full stop. You are not obliged to find her a solution. If she cannot come alone she cannot come at all. I would not be in the least happy with someone bringing their offspring to an adult evening I have organised. Cheeky fuckery at its finest.

XmasElf10 · 06/09/2022 09:01

Oh dear Lord. You just say, that’s a shame - this is really an adult only event, hope to see you another time.

shazzybazzy34 · 06/09/2022 09:01

She has you over a barrel. The kid wants to come and your friend is making sure by hook or by poxy crook that she WILL come. An adult dinner is no place for a 7 year old. Changes the whole dynamic and everyone feels they have to talk to the child and watch what they say. Sounds like she is having a proud mama moment and wants to show her child off to the group. Not on my watch. I would stick to the adults only plan and if she doesn't wat to take you up on your offer then she can so swivel.