Am I being unreasonable....

[Kitchenlight]

I arranged a dinner for friends visiting from abroad (their first time in three years). We agreed a small group - some people they know and some they'd like to get to know.
One of the invitees (A) is a good friend of my visitors (and someone I've known for a long time) and wrote to me ten days before the event and said her husband is away and her babysitter has cancelled. She asked if my children were free to babysit (they aren't) and said if they weren't could she bring her seven year old daughter along or she'd have to cancel. . Her daughter loves my visitors (and they her), and is a fabulous child who enjoys chatting to adults, but I really want an adult evening and her daughter will inevitably change the dynamic and shift my visitors attention away from the other adult guests.
I said I would prefer it to be an adults only evening but of course if she couldn't find a babysitter she should bring her daughter. A said she had no other options for babysitting so I offered to help her find someone and she said yes please. After asking around I eventually found a known, trusted and cheap babysitter and told A - who then said that actually she couldn't afford to pay for a babysitter as her financial situation is changing (they are a dual income professional family but her husband is about to go freelance). Also, she added, her daughter really wanted to come and might not get many other chances to see the visitors (A will be spending time with them on other days but she said it might be difficult to arrange much time for the visitors to see her daughter as she keeps weekends for family time).
I reiterated I'd prefer it to be an adult only evening and that I'd love her to be there and said I'd pay for the babysitter (it seemed the simplest solution). A said she couldn't accept me paying and reiterated her daughter really wanted to come and said they could both arrive early and leave early (which will be sad for my guests, but also awkward ... at what point will they leave? )
I'd like A to come and my friends would love to see her but I want an adult evening. It's taken effort to organise this (i asked everyone two months ago) and it's already quite stressful (unexpected events mean I'll get to my own dinner late). For context: I am a single parent on a single income so i am sympathetic to babysitting concerns and constraints.
AIBU - or should I just go with it?
And also, more importantly, can you think of any solutions that will make everyone happy?

Oh OP why?! Don’t offer this!

The child will cry at having to leave and you will look like the bad guy.

She sounds very controlling.

the evening is not all about her and her DD.

if you had wanted a kid there, you would have invited the kid.

you are going to have to tell her that no kids are coming, and that includes her DD. If she can find childcare (don’t offer any more help), then all is well. Otherwise she won’t be able to come.

remember - this isn’t a negotiation. It is an invite to one person, which she can either accept or decline.

Bloody hell OP!

What a palaver.

This women is absolutely ghastly and a complete CF.

You are a mug.

You are a single parent offering to pay for babysitting for a dual income family?

Get a grip.

She doesn't give a shit about you or your evening.

She wants to bring her precocious 7 year old and doesn't care a whit for the evening or even pretending to have even the most basic of manners.

Your need to people please has got you into this mess.

It is an adult only evening.
End of.

If she can't attend, so be it.

You are never going to survive the menopause if you don't start asserting yourself.

She is an appallingly rude and pushy person.

Truthfully I cannot imagine most people would be entertaining thisfor a minute.

OP Just say NO it’s an adult only meet-up.

Explain you have spent time and energy trying to find a suitable babysitter and it is unreasonable to stillminsist on bringing child.

Well imo you should just be telling her what a shame that she can't come after all then.

If this was her only chance to see these people I might understand why you are bending over backwards trying to accommodate her.

You're hosting-you have who you want there!

Your first response really should have been sorry but it is an adult only meet up.
If I had arranged childcare for such an invite and someone had brought a 7yo I would probably make an excuse to leave early.
Very early.
Your name could be mud for this op.

Well. I wrote to the guests of honour. I did not put the burden on them. I said I wanted to check that they have time to see the little girl during their visit as I had planned to keep it an adult only event - but if they thought it would be a good idea to bring her along then I would ask her along with her mum. They said they were planning to spend lots of time with her and her mum so the adults only was fine. Now how to communicate that back?

Send something like this:
Hi A,
After much soul searching and asking the other guests who will be attending whether your DD would alter the planned evening, the consensus is that it would. I have been assured that they will be spending time with you and your daughter in a more personal capacity, so, unfortunately I must insist that the evening of X date is kept for adults only. As previously mentioned, Niece is available on the evening to babysit if you still wish to come. We completely understand if you decide that you cannot come but please let us know one way or the other as soon as you can as I have to let Niece know whether we need her services or not on that evening.

Or something like that.

Yanbu.

"Hi friend, keeping it adult only for evening. Would love to see your dd another time. If you want my neice to babysit let me know"

That's it, child doesn't come for half an hour, when the other couple see child is not your issue to sort nor is her "family time" You have been more helpful than most you are allowed to say no.

I think even this us too nice. Even if A now takes up the babysitter offer and comes alone she will likely come with a grievance. Just say sorry not to see you this time but at least you will be getting to see lots of GoH during their stay.

I don’t get why you’re making this so hard for yourself. This is got your friend to sort out. Just tell her not to bring the daughter and if that means she can’t come, that’s a shame. You’ll see her another time. She can arrange to see the visitors herself.

Really confused by what you’re doing here.

Oh FFS.

• It's your dinner party
• Facilitating your friend's meet-up with another friend is not something you are responsible for anyway; they can sort another time between them if they want to
• You have already offered her childcare options, which was above and beyond
• She has turned them down because 'her daughter wants to come'
• The other friends are happy with it being adults only

There is no dilemma here. Her child isn't invited. Either she gets childcare or doesn't come. The end. Stop pussy-footing around this ridiculous woman and bending over backwards for her. It's absurd.

“She’s great company?? She’s seven . It’s your dinner party , you say who comes to it.

Just tell her you are sorry something couldn't be worked out this time, but it remains an adult only evening.

She knows you don't want her dd there, she's trying to manipulate you into inviting her and hoping you will be too polite to say no.

Nobody's 7 year old is 'great company' at an adult only evening.

@lunar1 100%

Ok resolved. Her daughter is staying at home and my niece is kindly babysitting. it's a resolution. Im
Happy to move on.
I'm belatedly learning how to be assertive but it's somewhat incremental.

Excellent! Enjoy the evening.

Well done, glad it has worked out the way you wanted. Enjoy your night.

Well done!! 👏🏻

Spoke to soon!!! She now says that her daughter is refusing the babysitter (this is the sitter my god sisters children fight to have round as they love her so much) as she doesn't know her. So the mum has asked again if she can bring her round for half an hour. I've already said that's inconvenient (and given how determined the child is I'm. It sure she'll leave easily). I think the daughter wants to come and is manipulating her mother. I really am tempted to say no now. I've really done my best.

Just tell her no now. Say I'm sorry but your dc can't come, this is an adult's evening and she can't attend. If you want to come alone that is fine but she isn't coming with you.

Just say no sorry.

Don't keep sending waffley messages to her

She is a CF. She takes the offer of a babysitter or misses out on the evening it’s as simple as that. That’s what happens when you are a parent sometimes

Why do some parents insist that their DCs should be entertained by their friends or included in nights out.

Don’t trust a babysitter well that’s your issue not the hosts

This!!!

Just say no. That is the end of it. 'Sorry our alternative arrangements did not work out but we are all looking forward to our planned adults only evening. Maybe next time'. That is it.

Fuck that like.