Am I being unreasonable....

[Kitchenlight]

I arranged a dinner for friends visiting from abroad (their first time in three years). We agreed a small group - some people they know and some they'd like to get to know.
One of the invitees (A) is a good friend of my visitors (and someone I've known for a long time) and wrote to me ten days before the event and said her husband is away and her babysitter has cancelled. She asked if my children were free to babysit (they aren't) and said if they weren't could she bring her seven year old daughter along or she'd have to cancel. . Her daughter loves my visitors (and they her), and is a fabulous child who enjoys chatting to adults, but I really want an adult evening and her daughter will inevitably change the dynamic and shift my visitors attention away from the other adult guests.
I said I would prefer it to be an adults only evening but of course if she couldn't find a babysitter she should bring her daughter. A said she had no other options for babysitting so I offered to help her find someone and she said yes please. After asking around I eventually found a known, trusted and cheap babysitter and told A - who then said that actually she couldn't afford to pay for a babysitter as her financial situation is changing (they are a dual income professional family but her husband is about to go freelance). Also, she added, her daughter really wanted to come and might not get many other chances to see the visitors (A will be spending time with them on other days but she said it might be difficult to arrange much time for the visitors to see her daughter as she keeps weekends for family time).
I reiterated I'd prefer it to be an adult only evening and that I'd love her to be there and said I'd pay for the babysitter (it seemed the simplest solution). A said she couldn't accept me paying and reiterated her daughter really wanted to come and said they could both arrive early and leave early (which will be sad for my guests, but also awkward ... at what point will they leave? )
I'd like A to come and my friends would love to see her but I want an adult evening. It's taken effort to organise this (i asked everyone two months ago) and it's already quite stressful (unexpected events mean I'll get to my own dinner late). For context: I am a single parent on a single income so i am sympathetic to babysitting concerns and constraints.
AIBU - or should I just go with it?
And also, more importantly, can you think of any solutions that will make everyone happy?

Not really as then the child will definitely be there so again it will not be an adult evening

There is nothing more boring when a friend says I can’t get a babysitter so come to mine. It will be just the same as going out. It isn’t.

God what a drama over something that should have been easy. Your friend clearly doesn’t know how or want to say no to her daughter, she should not be putting it on you. Her daughter is crying because she wants to come to an adults only event and can’t, why on earth have you been told this. It reminds me of an evening a friend tried to force my daughter to agree to her daughter sleeping over, they had been around for the day with others and my daughter got unwell, she was throwing up all afternoon and went to bed. I said no a dozen times for obvious reasons and every time was met with “but she wants to” (kids were around 9). In the end I told them both they needed to leave.

I hope friend gets a huge grip op and you have a lovely night.

Following for the unnecessary drama and rooting for your child-free evening. Do update as to whether this rhino-skinned cf brings her daughter.

I’d be absolutely livid! Regardless of how lovely a kid is, most adults don’t want to have to fawn over a child at an adults only party.

She is being incredibly rude.

I would tell her it’s a shame she can’t come and leave it at that. All these adults and your kids having to dance to the tune of a demanding mum and her bratty child?? Nah, forget it

Wow. That is one pushy and manipulative friend you've got there! Does she usually get her own way?

I hope the adult evening goes well, please update and let us know how it went.

Oh bloody hell just seen the update! This is nothing to do with babysitters!

But you have lined up your niece to babysit for free.

You are making this into more of a drama than it ever needed to be. You should have just said up front, it is an adult evening and not made your exceptions (but child can come if you can’t find childcare) or got involved in other peoples childcare arrangements.

It's sorted. She"ll come round once her husband is back from work. I hope she can make it and we can move swiftly on.

Good to hear, hope that's the end of it now.

ah phew
lets hope she learns from this and can learn to say No to her dd

And I hope you have learned to notice when she is trying to manipulate you.

there is a small chance she'll go to the visitors and say she is so sorry she can't come but it's because I don't want her daughter there. I hope not as that will cross a line.

Well they don't want her there either do they?

Anyway-so what if you don't want her there?

It's an evening for adults to catch up!

It's really weird.
I am quietly incandescent with rage.

The situation is weird. Partly because you seen oblivious to your own role in creating it.

my Role is two fold

1 not being clear at the start and
2. Saying if she can't find a babysitter of course her daughter can come (and expecting her to be like me - if someone said this to me, I'd do all I could to find a sitter)

normal people reading our correspondence says I come accross as entirely polite and reasonable and she comes accros as determinedly manipulative (I've asked two friends).

The problem is that A was determined from the start to bring her child and never ever intended not to bring her. I didn't realise this. I took her at da ace value.

Her opening gambit was to get this to happen without her asking (I have a business friend who manipulates people to do what he wants without his asking).

As each excuse got whittled away she had to come up with another one, the last one being her daughter won't use any babysitters apart from the two she knows who aren't available ,, something she would presumably have known when she happily agree I should find her a sitter.

finally she was left with 'my daughter is crying because she wants to come'. And I wish I'd just said, that's your job as a parent to explain that sometimes chikdren aren't invited. By then I'd already confirmed she was going to have multiple other chances to see these guests so I want really denying her.

im sure she'll still turn it all against me. All I have is the WhatsApp conversation to tell me I'm not insane.

Don't beat yourself up OP.

I suspect - like me - you're a problem solver, who takes what people say on face value and then look to find a solution.

In this case the lady had a hidden agenda that she was pushing.

IMHO you come out of it well, you offered various alternatives and checked with your other guests what they would find appropriate.

I think since they have already said theu are seeing a lot of her daughter this would be a dumb move on her part- any normal adult would think hey, I’m allowed one dinner without your 7 yo much as I love her, she’s not my child!

How I would sit through an evening with someone so ghastly is what would concern me.

I would've want to be near such a rude awful person.

I hope you have learned something from this OP because your life must be very stressful if it is lived performing such gymnastics for people like her.

Hard to believe such appalling behaviour is in isolation.

You do realise this is not normal behaviour.

I would be stepping so far back from her and would be very cool with her.

Such an appalling lack of manners re an invitation to someone's home seems surprisingly common on MN.

I would be so irritated by her making such a completely unnecessary palava.

I think your need to be a fixer has bitten you badly.

If you can learn from this, it will be a positive.

I had something similar , I learnt a lot from it
Bloody awful when people try and back you into a corner insinuating your behaviour has upset their child
Now I just couldn't care , once I've said no that's it

As you've acknowledged, you didn't handle this quite right at the start. However, your friend is being really rude. She wasn't honest with you about her agenda and let you waste time and energy coming up with solutions she had never planned on accepting. Stay strong, don't let this child attend, and enjoy your child-free evening.

This

I have said this.
Now after telling me this would be the only time her child cohkd see our friends she has invited her friends rojnd to her house before coming they come here
There is a fifty fifty chance she will tell them she would love to come to my house but can't as she doesn't have a babysitter and I wanted it to be child free.
Then the visitors wikk ring me up and say they don't mind and tell me to ask her along.
I will look like the bad person.
any advice if this happens ?

Call the visitors about something and also say A says you’re going round, that’s great. She was really worked up that her dd wouldn’t get as much time with you as she wanted, she wanted to bring her to dinner but I’m afraid I said it’s adults only, 7yos do change what you can talk about, and my kids are studying when they get in so she couldn’t hang out with them.