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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable....

196 replies

Kitchenlight · 05/09/2022 23:35

I arranged a dinner for friends visiting from abroad (their first time in three years). We agreed a small group - some people they know and some they'd like to get to know.
One of the invitees (A) is a good friend of my visitors (and someone I've known for a long time) and wrote to me ten days before the event and said her husband is away and her babysitter has cancelled. She asked if my children were free to babysit (they aren't) and said if they weren't could she bring her seven year old daughter along or she'd have to cancel. . Her daughter loves my visitors (and they her), and is a fabulous child who enjoys chatting to adults, but I really want an adult evening and her daughter will inevitably change the dynamic and shift my visitors attention away from the other adult guests.
I said I would prefer it to be an adults only evening but of course if she couldn't find a babysitter she should bring her daughter. A said she had no other options for babysitting so I offered to help her find someone and she said yes please. After asking around I eventually found a known, trusted and cheap babysitter and told A - who then said that actually she couldn't afford to pay for a babysitter as her financial situation is changing (they are a dual income professional family but her husband is about to go freelance). Also, she added, her daughter really wanted to come and might not get many other chances to see the visitors (A will be spending time with them on other days but she said it might be difficult to arrange much time for the visitors to see her daughter as she keeps weekends for family time).
I reiterated I'd prefer it to be an adult only evening and that I'd love her to be there and said I'd pay for the babysitter (it seemed the simplest solution). A said she couldn't accept me paying and reiterated her daughter really wanted to come and said they could both arrive early and leave early (which will be sad for my guests, but also awkward ... at what point will they leave? )
I'd like A to come and my friends would love to see her but I want an adult evening. It's taken effort to organise this (i asked everyone two months ago) and it's already quite stressful (unexpected events mean I'll get to my own dinner late). For context: I am a single parent on a single income so i am sympathetic to babysitting concerns and constraints.
AIBU - or should I just go with it?
And also, more importantly, can you think of any solutions that will make everyone happy?

OP posts:
Original poster
Kitchenlight · 06/09/2022 06:50

olympicsrock · 06/09/2022 06:27

There is no compromise here and she is being very pushy. It’s not right but I think you will look the bad guy if you tell her not to come.
the solution is to insist that 7 year old says hello for 10 mins ( or until you arrive) then watches tv in another room during the meal and doesn’t join the adults again

That isn't a solution because the daughter wants to come specifically to mingle with the adults (her mum wrote to me and said 'she's great company'). She is great company! But I don't really want an evening with a child's company even a great one as it changed the dynamic. Also my kids are worried that they will end up looking after her (A has already asked if they can). They don't want to as they are back late that night and have homework.

OP posts:
loudlylikealion · 06/09/2022 06:50

Kitchenlight · 06/09/2022 06:44

Because she said she the problem was she didn't have a babysitter. . But then when she did have a babysitter she said her daughter wanted to come anyway.

Show quote history

But you've said its ok for her to bring her if she couldn't find one. So in her mind she's probably taken that to mean she's OK to bring her. You could have said sorry you can't come then, maybe another time but you didn't you said her kid can come under certain circumstances.

Original poster
Kitchenlight · 06/09/2022 06:51

Ilovelindor · 06/09/2022 06:26

Is her partner coming?

Why can't the child's father stay home with them to allow A to come?

he's working thst evening

OP posts:
MrsLargeEmbodied · 06/09/2022 06:53

what is this big deal about Adult only?
will the 7 year old go to bed?
where are your dc?
can they plan upstairs while you have your adult time?

loudlylikealion · 06/09/2022 06:54

MrsLargeEmbodied · 06/09/2022 06:53

what is this big deal about Adult only?
will the 7 year old go to bed?
where are your dc?
can they plan upstairs while you have your adult time?

That's not fair on OP's DC who might not want to spend their evening with the 7 year old. If OP doesn't it's unfair to dump the kid on them.

MrsLargeEmbodied · 06/09/2022 06:56

where are your dc?

Original poster
Kitchenlight · 06/09/2022 06:58

loudlylikealion · 06/09/2022 06:50

But you've said its ok for her to bring her if she couldn't find one. So in her mind she's probably taken that to mean she's OK to bring her. You could have said sorry you can't come then, maybe another time but you didn't you said her kid can come under certain circumstances.

Show quote history

I thought it would be unfair to exclude someone who had absolutely no other childcare options and she was clear it was a babysitting issue and was very open to me helping her resolve it by finding her a sitter (though this is a woman who managed child care around her high status job).

OP posts:
crossstitchingnana · 06/09/2022 06:59

One of my group always brings her tween with her, even to a hen do. She's sullen and sulky to boot. I hate it.

Original poster
Kitchenlight · 06/09/2022 07:00

MrsLargeEmbodied · 06/09/2022 06:56

where are your dc?

They will be at home but they are older teens. They get back late so will provably have homework.

OP posts:
Justleaveitblankthen · 06/09/2022 07:01

She is being cringeingly pushy. Could you imagine saying the same to her? Mortifying.
No, the daughter doesn't get to come at all. It wouldn't work at all for her to be in another room after a while. Everyone would be concerned that she's lonely/bored etc, totally change the dynamic and missing her fabulous little personality
It's adults only. End of.

FabFitFifties · 06/09/2022 07:06

OP has already said, they are out late, then have homework. They are obviously too old to "play upstairs" with 7 year old. However, OP, you originally told her if she couldn't find a babysitter, she could bring her. You can't really go back on that, just because she declines your choice of babysitter. There is no way I would have left my 7 year old at home with a stranger.

Festoonlights · 06/09/2022 07:07

A has decided she wants her dd there to see the visitors. No amount of solutions will change her mind, you have already offered more than I would (Paying for the babysitter)

I would also say you are sorry she doesn't feel comfortable with a babysitter, and you hope she will be able to come next time. If anything changes to let you know.

A is being very rude insisting her child comes to dinner when she can see the visitors another time anyway.

Enjoy your evening minus A.

phishy · 06/09/2022 07:09

A could arrange to meet them beforehand herself. She's seeing them other days anyway.

What a selfish idiot she is. She is using YOUR dinner party to put her child in the limelight.

YANBU, please don’t say yes to this pushy ‘friend’.

There is another thread right now where a friends two teenage kids gatecrashed her dinner (egged on by their parents) and it completely changed the dynamic. Don’t let all your hard work be ruined by a silly twit who can’t see beyond her child.

Festoonlights · 06/09/2022 07:10

If you hadn't organised a paid for babysitter I think it would have been awkward, but as you have already offered a perfect solution, she is being very very unreasonable. I doubt her babysitter cancelled, she just wants her kid there. I could not deal with a friend like this, who insisted she can not join an adult dinner without her child attending.

Brefugee · 06/09/2022 07:10

you opened the door to the child coming when you suggested to bring her if there were no solutions.

So now you have to decide if you're going to say: i really don't want children at this event, sorry she can't come. (kind of going back on what you said) or if you just let her come and change the dynamic.

and now you know for future. Don't make offers you're not prepared to go through with

howshouldibehave · 06/09/2022 07:11

but of course if she couldn't find a babysitter she should bring her daughter.

I wouldn’t have said that if I were you.

Original poster
Kitchenlight · 06/09/2022 07:11

MrsLargeEmbodied · 06/09/2022 06:53

what is this big deal about Adult only?
will the 7 year old go to bed?
where are your dc?
can they plan upstairs while you have your adult time?

Initially she asked if my teen children could babysit, but my children' don't stay out late on a school night (and that night they aren't home till much later as they have a school event). They also said they don't want to spend their evening entertaining children at our home (which isn't even a babysitting job); they have homework and child watching is quite hard work! I'm actually worried that if A does bring her child my kids will end up looking after her as they will want to help me,, but that seems really unfair.

OP posts:
MrsLargeEmbodied · 06/09/2022 07:11

have any other of the group got a 7 year old for her 7 year to to spend time with?

ImpartialMongoose · 06/09/2022 07:12

Your friend is being childish. She isn't able to come because she has to look after her daughter and doesn't want to use a babysitter for whatever reason. But she wants to come, so is trying to change the terms of your evening to suit herself, disregarding the boundaries you have gently put in place. She is using her daughter to tug on your heartstrings, which is pathetic.

Original poster
Kitchenlight · 06/09/2022 07:14

Brefugee · 06/09/2022 07:10

you opened the door to the child coming when you suggested to bring her if there were no solutions.

So now you have to decide if you're going to say: i really don't want children at this event, sorry she can't come. (kind of going back on what you said) or if you just let her come and change the dynamic.

and now you know for future. Don't make offers you're not prepared to go through with

But I made an offer (she can come if there's no babysitter as she said it was a babysitter problem ) and there is a babysitter and now she's saying even though I have a babysitter I want her to come. She's changed the goal posts not me!

OP posts:
Original poster
Kitchenlight · 06/09/2022 07:15

MrsLargeEmbodied · 06/09/2022 07:11

have any other of the group got a 7 year old for her 7 year to to spend time with?

No. Kids are older. But I'm not sure she'd want to spend time with another child. Her daughter likes being with adults

OP posts:
phishy · 06/09/2022 07:16

Brefugee · 06/09/2022 07:10

you opened the door to the child coming when you suggested to bring her if there were no solutions.

So now you have to decide if you're going to say: i really don't want children at this event, sorry she can't come. (kind of going back on what you said) or if you just let her come and change the dynamic.

and now you know for future. Don't make offers you're not prepared to go through with

But there is a solution as OP found a babysitter, and willing to pay for it.

The friend just wants her daughter there, and is making excuses.

If she was so desperate to hold court with her daughter, she should have offered to host these friends at her own home, instead of putting pressure on a single mum.

MarinoRoyale · 06/09/2022 07:16

Festoonlights · 06/09/2022 07:07

A has decided she wants her dd there to see the visitors. No amount of solutions will change her mind, you have already offered more than I would (Paying for the babysitter)

I would also say you are sorry she doesn't feel comfortable with a babysitter, and you hope she will be able to come next time. If anything changes to let you know.

A is being very rude insisting her child comes to dinner when she can see the visitors another time anyway.

Enjoy your evening minus A.

Totally this for me, she’s trying to shoehorn her daughter into the evening, regardless of the hosts wishes.

Selttan · 06/09/2022 07:17

I think your best option is to say sorry it's not working out but it'd be best if her and her daughter catches up with the visitors separately. Then it's on her to organize herself.

jelly79 · 06/09/2022 07:18

Can you have them stay over so the daughter can come, see the visitors, go to bed at a reasonable time and enjoy your adult evening

Otherwise I would relax and let them come and leave when they need to