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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be put out by friends' kids turning up to grown-up dinner?

306 replies

VingtQuatreFaubourg · 05/09/2022 13:05

This weekend we had four other couples, all old friends, round to eat and to celebrate various things and catch up after the summer. We all have teens of various ages. I said it was going to be grown-ups only so it wasn't too unwieldy/expensive and we could chat freely, relax and enjoy some nice food and wine. My DC were very happy with this and they planned a sleepover elsewhere. Childcare/other arrangements made by the other families (or so I thought).

On the evening we were all having a great time, and then halfway through dinner one couple's older two teens turned up. We were surprised but said hi, how are you, lovely to see you etc and expected them to just be popping in for a few minutes (they said they were on their way out to a party) BUT they basically joined us, ended up staying for hours, eating and drinking, a bit of 'holding court' going on, and it just completely changed the dynamic as they were so dominant - it stopped being a grown-up conversation. They are lovely kids but it was not the evening I had planned.

Their parents completely indulged and encouraged this (it's not the first time this kind of thing has happened, now I think about it, they seem to think their kids are 'special' and adults-only boundaries don't apply to them) and didn't say anything. Eventually DH gently suggested it was time for them to go so we could get back to the adult chat, but it was a bit awkward.

AIBU to think our friends and the teens should have understood that a grown-up evening doesn't include anyone's children?

OP posts:
Permanentlyexhausted · 05/09/2022 17:20

Yes, it's a bit weird and perhaps a little rude. It wouldn't bother me that much but clearly it bothers other people.

Next time though, be more careful with your wording. "Just grown-ups" or "Just adults" is meaningless, unless you genuinely meant that any of the teenage offspring would be welcomed with open arms on the day of their 18th birthday.

Lalliella · 05/09/2022 17:23

We had a similar scenario. Us and couple A were going out to dinner and decided to invite couple B. B said come to us instead and also invited couple C. C announced they’d bring their early 20s kids. We said it was older adults only, and C said to us it was up to B who came!

Us and A then said, we’re not coming now, we’re going back to the out to dinner plan. Suddenly C’s kids weren’t coming anymore!

YANBU OP!

Doingprettywellthanks · 05/09/2022 17:23

The fact they were teens is irrelevant

many age. Any relative. Anyone

It was completely weird and rude to just rock up without an invite, and do the invited relatives of the gate crashed not to say anything

Notonthestairs · 05/09/2022 17:23

"Next time though, be more careful with your wording. "Just grown-ups" or "Just adults" is meaningless, unless you genuinely meant that any of the teenage offspring would be welcomed with open arms on the day of their 18th birthday."

In the context of a group of parents socialising it really didn't need further explanation.
When it became clear no other children were present and the table was set for 10 it would be even more obvious.

Doingprettywellthanks · 05/09/2022 17:24

Lalliella · 05/09/2022 17:23

We had a similar scenario. Us and couple A were going out to dinner and decided to invite couple B. B said come to us instead and also invited couple C. C announced they’d bring their early 20s kids. We said it was older adults only, and C said to us it was up to B who came!

Us and A then said, we’re not coming now, we’re going back to the out to dinner plan. Suddenly C’s kids weren’t coming anymore!

YANBU OP!

And you’re friends? How do you then enjoy dinner when C is clearly so thoughtless and rude?

HavfrueDenizKisi · 05/09/2022 17:26

Oh god that's very annoying.

We have had similar with a next door neighbour - she is lovely as are her kids, but sometimes we'd have her over with another neighbour for wine and chat and her teens would turn up. Now I do like them too but they really do dominate the conversation and it is quite wearing after a while.

Also, absolutely, there are conversations you don't wish to have in front of older teens.

Those saying it would be lovely really haven't listened to other people's teens hold court and explain the world to you. It's actually not fun.

I'd probably be less inclined to invite the couple in the future.

VivX · 05/09/2022 17:30

Antarcticant · 05/09/2022 17:15

But from the teens' perspective, they arrived and were made welcome - there's nothing to tell them (other than experience/insight that they're too young to have) that they were not welcome to stay. However, their experience of their own interactions with peers should tell them it's polite not to hog the floor.

Ultimately, the onus was on their parents move them on, and afterwards to have a word with them along the lines of putting themselves in the OP's shoes.

Show quote history

I agree that their parents should have moved them on and not invited them in the first place

But I disagree that the "issue is more that the teens dominated the conversation". That's a secondary issue.

The OP didn't want teens present at her birthday dinner in her own house. She had made sure that her own teens were sleeping over elsewhere.
Having teens present changes the dynamic, even if their "dinner party etiquette" is outstanding (which it wasn't)

The teens also displaced two adults, who had to go and sit on the sofa. And at 16/17, they're old enough to have realised for themselves that taking someone else's seats is incredibly rude.

From the teens' perspective, they should have never have sat down and caused adults who were already eating to move seats. They shouldn't need an adult to point that out to them at 16/17.

MyBabyLaura · 05/09/2022 17:51

Georgeskitchen · 05/09/2022 13:26

Slightly surprised that 2 teenagers would even consider spending a whole evening around their parents and others of parents age group. I sure wouldn't have at that age, although my parents and their friends were totally boring (IMHO)
It does seem rather rude to just rock up, scoff your food and take over whole evening!!

Maybe because they were on their way to a party. OP mentions them eating and drinking and holding court. So they came for free alcohol and were a bit drunk?

TrashyPanda · 05/09/2022 17:52

The teens also displaced two adults, who had to go and sit on the sofa

just like the uninvited sibling who turns up at a kids party and grabs a party bag, leaving one of the actual guests to go without.

they are teens, not preschoolers. How are they so unobservant and unaware? Maybe they should be sent to Brownies to learn to think of others before yourself?

stayathomer · 05/09/2022 18:12

LaundryBin
How long were they there for? I think it sounds nice, to be honest- I love chatting with my friends' teenage children so to have them drop in on the way to a party would be a treat. I get that you had planned and specified "adults only" but I also think there's something to be said for going with the flow.

Obviously MN will tell you that you must break off all contact with this family and never see any of them again 😂

Totally with you Laundrybin
And personally I’d say break off contract just because you are totally not suited to each other. That or you shouldn’t have let them in in the first place. Everyone is different

Lalliella · 05/09/2022 18:12

Doingprettywellthanks · 05/09/2022 17:24

And you’re friends? How do you then enjoy dinner when C is clearly so thoughtless and rude?

Show quote history

Yeah it was weird! B are godparents to C’s kids so maybe C thought they’re always welcome. Umm, no!

stayathomer · 05/09/2022 18:14

And as for the teens displacing adults, it sounds like it was an organic thing, they were going to leave, but started having a good time, as did possibly other guests. A night in doesn’t have to be choreographed to within an inch of its life!!!

Nanny0gg · 05/09/2022 18:19

Bistrobore · 05/09/2022 14:42

How odd.

You wouldn't want to be friends with...

Well i think you'd be hard work to be friends with tbh. Such inflexible thinking, very hard work. Can you really not see that sometimes blending tribes changes the dynamic of a situation and not in a good way?

I Socialise with people I've met through a niche hobby, and then I have my friends who I go and get cocktails with. the two groups wouldn't blend successfully as Brenda the needlepoint enthusiast is teetotal and probably wouldn't feel comfortable cavorting at Happy hour.

It's not difficult to comprehend really.

Show quote history

So why haven't you read the OP's posts properly then?

Dragonskin · 05/09/2022 18:20

Butterdishtea · 05/09/2022 14:46

They thought you'd like to see their children who are nice people and probably like you all. What a crime!

The children are unaware there is something about them (their age) which makes them unattractive to you.

Yes. It absolutely makes sense to entirely disregard the 'adults inly' nature of the invitation because you know better

Not everything is about peoples children

VictoriaConcordiaCrescit · 05/09/2022 18:20

You mention that this isn't the first time

If you want to make sure it's the last time then you don't invite that couple again

The fact that you'd made the adults aware that it was for the adults and the kids still came says a lot. This couple don't take you seriously

Zosime · 05/09/2022 18:22

If you don't want them sitting with you for dinner, you can do a few pizzas and put a film on for them.

They're 16-17, not ten! They can get their own sodding pizza!

I wonder how they'd feel if their parents' friends rocked up at the party they were going to. If adults should be able to talk about anything in front of older teens, then the reverse should also be true, shouldn't it? Like, who's shagging who in Yr12 and who's got fake ID and can nip out for some more booze....

Has2sons · 05/09/2022 18:34

Friends of ours invited us to visit them in their town and go out for dinner. We have been friends since before we had DCs over 20yrs ago. DP arranged the date with them. All good. Then message came back that their DC couldn’t make that date could we do another date?! DP said our DC were not coming as they were busy. Hint not taken. We had a nice meal out - for five. The mum mentioned a restaurant she had been to I’d like to try, “count me in” DC piped up! This DC is at uni away from home, talked of great social life there and when back home so not lonely or needing to be encouraged to go out. A really bad case of FOMO!

billy1966 · 05/09/2022 18:35

Zosime · 05/09/2022 18:22

If you don't want them sitting with you for dinner, you can do a few pizzas and put a film on for them.

They're 16-17, not ten! They can get their own sodding pizza!

I wonder how they'd feel if their parents' friends rocked up at the party they were going to. If adults should be able to talk about anything in front of older teens, then the reverse should also be true, shouldn't it? Like, who's shagging who in Yr12 and who's got fake ID and can nip out for some more booze....

Exactly.

We have had lots of 18th and 21st birthday parties over the years, in the houses of friends of our children and people we socialise with.

The idea that we would rock up and hang out with them, univited, is preposterous.

I can just imagine my children being asked WTH is wrong with us?🙄.

Following on from ridiculous posts from some people, they conversely must not be able to understand that teens like to hang out without adults hanging off them🙄

Doubleraspberry · 05/09/2022 18:35

Like many of my friends with teenagers, I spend much of my time being told off for having the wrong opinions. So, much as I like the idea of teenagers who are keen on adult company rather than attached to a computer 24/7, I confess to a weariness at the idea of an adults-only dinner turning into one with teenagers and the necessary diversion of conversational topics.

The basic principle though being that they weren’t invited, rather than their age, unless their parents thought they counted as adults. I would have thought though that they’d have realised they weren’t when they first arrived and diverted their kids before they got there.

Dragonskin · 05/09/2022 18:36

"Im curious what convosation you can't have around older teens?"

'Ffs Jack and Jill are doing my head in at the moment, they are so bloody patronising and think they are the first generation to know anything at all. Please tell me your kids are just as bad'

goldted · 05/09/2022 18:40

I've a friend who allows similar. She comes over for the evening for a download of both our lives but inevitably one of her daughters calls later on their way home from work. Lovely lovely girls but it does kibosh the honest conversation.

WimpoleHat · 05/09/2022 18:41

I said it was going to be grown-ups only so it wasn't too unwieldy/expensive and we could chat freely, relax and enjoy some nice food and wine.

I bet, in reality, this hinges on exactly how you said this. As you said, 90% of your socialising has been “en famille”, so there’s a definite possibility that this message somehow got a bit lost in translation. It does happen. I remember cooking a huge 3 course meal for friends who arrived, post sandwiches, thinking we’d just asked them for coffee. (I managed to turn late lunch into early supper and all was well, but it could’ve been very embarrassing.). I’ve been to various parties where some have assumed they’d bring their spouse, whereas others have assumed he wasn’t invited.

As I said upthread, if you’re good friends with these people, I’d be inclined to let it go, but ram the point home next time. For all you know, they’ve had a slightly embarrassed conversation at home along the lines of “Oh God - how embarrassing - the other kids weren’t there and I think Mr VingtQuatre asked them to leave at one point ….”

HRTQueen · 05/09/2022 18:57

Yes be a bit annoying

but unless planning to start partner swapping I can’t see it as such a big deal

ColinRobinsonsfamiliar · 05/09/2022 18:59

Oh Christ!
Our group had one who wanted to bring her toddler to a girls night out at a local restaurant in the evening because… none of us (6 women in the group) had seen her toddler for a few weeks so she thought it would be nice for us to see her.

NOPE.

In fact a couple told her outright that if she did that, they would not come. Full stop.

WTF.

If it’s adult friends getting together, invite only, that’s how it is. No gatecrashers no matter how lovely the parents think they are.

MsTSwift · 05/09/2022 19:04

Really happy to chat with other peoples teens under normal circumstances or at a family type event where my kids are too. But this is an entirely different set up to that. Cringing for the parents here - clueless. Those of you that bring your kids to adult evening events take note! And people are being polite (and lying) when they say it is nice to see them.