To be a bit cross at my friend but also confused?

[LordessLanister]

Have known friend for around 4 years, she’s lovely, kind heart. Very nice person.
We’ve recently got into a habit of meeting up every other week for lunch but somehow I always ended up paying. The first time I just offered. The second time the bill came and friend slowly reached for her bag but was faffing and I started to feel awkward so I just paid. She thanked me.
The time after that was her birthday, so I paid as a birthday treat. Bare in mind I was never that bothered about these times as I am in a more comfortable financial position than she is.
These lunches cost me around £20 a time. Not a huge deal for me but it was starting to add up. The time after that the bill came and she didn’t offer so I just paid it but I made a mental note to knock these lunches on the head.

Anyway, a few weeks went past and she messaged me asking if I fancied going out for lunch, same place, her treat. She acknowledged that I’d paid for the previous meals and said it was her turn to pay. I thanked her and accepted. We arranged to meet same place at 12pm.

I got there, she was already seated. The waiter came along with the menus and she said “just a coffee for me please, I ate before I came out” 😱 seeing the look on my face she added “oh but you get whatever you want! My treat!”. Well I could hardly sit there tucking into a meal whilst she’s cradling a bloody coffee could I - so I ordered a coffee too. It came to £5 and she paid. I’d put off eating anything before hand as she’d said we were going out for lunch so I was bloody starving. Then she asked for a lift home (in a round about way) and asked me in for another coffee. I just wanted to go home and eat something so I made my excuses and dropped her off before heading home to my pot noodle 🙄

WTF? Why would you invite someone out for lunch and then eat before you came out? It’s not even so much the money I’m bothered about, it’s the fact that I was looking forward to lunch and ended up driving across town for a cheap coffee - wouldn’t have even been so bad if it was Costa or something but it was cheap instant coffee. I make better myself!

So after that lunch dates knocked firmly on the head!!

Anyway, she messaged me and asked if I fancied meeting up at a local beauty spot for a walk and maybe a coffee. I agreed. I got there and we started walking - she was more or less silent throughout. I tried to make conversation but she just didn’t seem to want to talk. An hour later and aimlessly walking around I made my excuses and left.

She never used to be like this. What’s going on?? Why ask to meet up and then stay silent?

im between being a bit irritated and also worried about her!

She’s probably feeling awkward like you are.

The walk and coffee sounds the way forward. Who paid for that coffee?

Suggest the same again and just lightly say whose turn is it to get coffee this time? Make sure it’s turn and turn about going forward, but assume she’s skint so don’t ever suggest anything expensive.

Sounds like she wants to maintain the friendship but has money worries and doesn't feel able to talk about them, maybe?

The silent walking is weird though. Do you think there might be something going on at home that she perhaps wanted to tell you about but couldn't get it out? Is she usually quite chatty?

If the silence was out of character,I think I'd be inclined to invite her for another walk and see how it goes. Maybe take a flask of homemade coffee with you?

We didn’t get a coffee that time, we just walked around in near silence and then I said I needed to get home as it was just going nowhere.

It sounds a bit like she wants to be friends and meet up but can't afford to spend much. Presumably that is why she ate before she came so that she could afford to treat you. Not sure about her behaviour on the walk? Maybe she felt about awkward.

It’s the silent walking that tipped me over from being mildly irritated to being a bit worried. She used to be very chatty but she’s getting less and less so. If it was me initiating these meet ups I’d assume she was just going off me which would be fine but she initiates all of them!

But you don’t invite someone to lunch and then sit there watching them eat whilst you cradle a coffee, that’s just beyond awkward. If she can’t afford these trips why initiate them? I’m happy to just meet up for walks as she knows but even then I do expect a bit of interaction on said walk 😂

The silent walking is weird though. Do you think there might be something going on at home that she perhaps wanted to tell you about but couldn't get it out? Is she usually quite chatty?

That's what I thought. I'd be thinking money problems.

Perhaps she's embarrassed by you having bought lunch, wanted to return the favour but then couldn't afford it?

She may have wanted to bring it up on the walk but then felt too embarrassed- maybe? Sometimes difficulties do just make you clam up and withdraw, even when inside you'd like nothing more than to share with a friend.

Hmm, if she used to be chatty, I'd be a bit concerned tbh. Do you know what's going on in her life generally?

She is initiating contact and clearly wants to maintain the friendship, and it sounds like she might be in need of a friend right now. I would try another walk, and if she is quiet again, I would acknowledge that and ask if everything is OK.

Did you actually ask your friend what's going on? I can't imagine being with a friend, having them act out of character and not saying "you're not yourself, what's going on? Are you ok?"

Send her a message: Are you ok? You were a bit quiet today and I'm worried as so out of character.

100% agree
Just talk to her!!

Another strange thing that happened …

A while back she invited me around to her house for a coffee. I accepted and we set a day and time … she then told me she wouldn’t be in but her husband would be and we could sit and watch TV together??!! I had to make an excuse not to go (I wasn’t going to sit watching TV with her bloody husband!) but who does that? It’s such odd behaviour!

The thing is she’s such a lovely person I can’t bring myself to imagine she’s sinister in any way but her behaviour sometimes is baffling.

There’s other stuff too, a collection of strange behaviours I’ve never come across in my life. But on the other hand she’s so nice!

Definitely just talk to her! She was probably hoping you’d ask if she was ok so that she could share, but instead of checking in you called the walk short and left…

She doesn’t sound nice, she sounds barking. I couldn’t be bothered with any of this.

I also think she probably enjoys meeting up but can't afford the lunches and feels awkward about it. Is it possible she felt bad about the lunch treat turned coffee treat, but didn't know how to broach it to apologize/discuss, and so she went quiet? Honestly if it were me I'd ask her if everything was okay as you noticed she was very quiet the other day. See what she says. I hope she's okay.

Oh I did ask her, I said “you seem really quiet, are you ok?” And she laughed and replied “yes! I’m fine! Are you?” 🤯

I agree that she might have been hoping you'd ask if she was OK.

What is her relationship with her DH like?

She wanted to maintain the friendship and knew ot was her turn for lunch. She knew she couldn't afford it for both of you but presumably had budgeted for you to eat and her not to. Personally I think you could have chosen something. She probably now does feel awkward that having asked you, you then didn't order and she feels she still owes you. The walk was probably to take the pressure off her "having to pay you back," and then she still felt awkward as you out her in an awkward position by not having lunch when she had invited you and was going to pay.

Ok your last post has tipped it. Bizarre behaviour. I’d just slowly back away from the friendship.

X post.

Something sounds off so I would try to find out what.

That’s what DH said but I have a nagging feeling that she’s not ok and I can’t just walk away from that ☹️ I just don’t know what to do if she won’t talk?

Sack it off. Life is too short. You aren't a good friendship match

I would ask her kindly, just say you were a bit concerned as she isn't normally so quiet- I think she asked you for a walk to talk about something- and then bottled it!

The husband is odd. I can’t put my finger on it but he’s very strange. Kind of odd looking too.

I have a lovely natured dog who loves everyone but he hated him for some reason, wouldn’t go near him and bared teeth at him. Very out of character!

There is just so much I want to say here but I don’t want to risk outing her (or myself) but I don’t have anyone to talk to about it.

I don't know why exactly, but I would have concerns about whether she is in an abusive or coercive relationship, or something. I agree with a pp that she may have wanted to open up on the walk and then bottled it.

Personally, I wouldn't give up on her just yet.