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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be a bit cross at my friend but also confused?

175 replies

LordessLanister · 04/09/2022 10:39

Have known friend for around 4 years, she’s lovely, kind heart. Very nice person.
We’ve recently got into a habit of meeting up every other week for lunch but somehow I always ended up paying. The first time I just offered. The second time the bill came and friend slowly reached for her bag but was faffing and I started to feel awkward so I just paid. She thanked me.
The time after that was her birthday, so I paid as a birthday treat. Bare in mind I was never that bothered about these times as I am in a more comfortable financial position than she is.
These lunches cost me around £20 a time. Not a huge deal for me but it was starting to add up. The time after that the bill came and she didn’t offer so I just paid it but I made a mental note to knock these lunches on the head.

Anyway, a few weeks went past and she messaged me asking if I fancied going out for lunch, same place, her treat. She acknowledged that I’d paid for the previous meals and said it was her turn to pay. I thanked her and accepted. We arranged to meet same place at 12pm.

I got there, she was already seated. The waiter came along with the menus and she said “just a coffee for me please, I ate before I came out” 😱 seeing the look on my face she added “oh but you get whatever you want! My treat!”. Well I could hardly sit there tucking into a meal whilst she’s cradling a bloody coffee could I - so I ordered a coffee too. It came to £5 and she paid. I’d put off eating anything before hand as she’d said we were going out for lunch so I was bloody starving. Then she asked for a lift home (in a round about way) and asked me in for another coffee. I just wanted to go home and eat something so I made my excuses and dropped her off before heading home to my pot noodle 🙄

WTF? Why would you invite someone out for lunch and then eat before you came out? It’s not even so much the money I’m bothered about, it’s the fact that I was looking forward to lunch and ended up driving across town for a cheap coffee - wouldn’t have even been so bad if it was Costa or something but it was cheap instant coffee. I make better myself!

So after that lunch dates knocked firmly on the head!!

Anyway, she messaged me and asked if I fancied meeting up at a local beauty spot for a walk and maybe a coffee. I agreed. I got there and we started walking - she was more or less silent throughout. I tried to make conversation but she just didn’t seem to want to talk. An hour later and aimlessly walking around I made my excuses and left.

She never used to be like this. What’s going on?? Why ask to meet up and then stay silent?

im between being a bit irritated and also worried about her!

OP posts:
luxxlisbon · 04/09/2022 11:25

Surely you are both to blame for walking in silence though, you can’t just blame her.
It sounds like something pretty serious is going on in her life, on top of her being quite broke. Being annoyed at her doesn’t seem like a friendly thing to do.

watcherintherye · 04/09/2022 11:26

Do you think she could have some sort of social anxiety which manifests itself in these seemingly odd behaviours? It sounds like her eccentricities aren’t new.

Yerroblemom1923 · 04/09/2022 11:28

Sounds like she wants to reach out to you but doesn't know how. She probably does have money issues, hence she didn't eat when she offered to treat you as she couldn't afford to buy two lunches but was embarrassed about it. No doubt even more embarrassed as you paid on previous occasions. It's turned into the elephant in the room and she doesn't know how to address it with you.
I'd visit her and check she is ok and let her know she can talk to you about anything that's troubling her.

Original poster
LordessLanister · 04/09/2022 11:28

Put it this way, there has been a number of times she’s tried to get me to meet with her husband when she wouldn’t be present.

One was that she suggested her husband accompany me to walk my dog as he likes dogs.

Another was that I could go to the docks with her husband and he could show me where to buy x, y and z

Another was that I could go and help her husband do the garden.

There are many examples of this. Once when I was feeling a bit down myself she suggested I pop around and have a cuppa with her husband as she was at work.

When I do see her husband he barely talks! Just sits there glued to the TV

OP posts:
PastaForLife · 04/09/2022 11:29

I had a friend who’d do this despite her earning so much more than me (she a consultant in a hospital ffs). In the end I just bought my own whenever we met for coffee or lunch. When the bill arrive id just say to the waitress, can you split the bill.
Friend has still never offered to pay her turn so this works well and I don’t get pissed off with her.

Anothernamechangeplease · 04/09/2022 11:33

LordessLanister · 04/09/2022 11:28

Put it this way, there has been a number of times she’s tried to get me to meet with her husband when she wouldn’t be present.

One was that she suggested her husband accompany me to walk my dog as he likes dogs.

Another was that I could go to the docks with her husband and he could show me where to buy x, y and z

Another was that I could go and help her husband do the garden.

There are many examples of this. Once when I was feeling a bit down myself she suggested I pop around and have a cuppa with her husband as she was at work.

When I do see her husband he barely talks! Just sits there glued to the TV

This is very odd, but I wonder if he is the one driving it? Does he need to "approve you" as a friend, I wonder? Or does he not like her having her own friends unless they are also "his" friends or something? Or is he just really lonely and this is her slightly desperate way of finding him some company?

I think I'd have to ask her tbh. Why is she so eager to get the two of you to meet up without her?

TheYearOfSmallThings · 04/09/2022 11:46

It does sound odd, but if she won't talk about it I would back away from the oddness.

I'm not sure if you mentioned, but are you single? I am and I notice that friends from certain countries offer their husbands to me for household tasks, tech support, playing football with DS etc. I don't need the husbands at all but I see it as a friendly gesture. Your friend would be taking it a bit far though with the TV watching!

yellowsmileyface · 04/09/2022 11:47

It's very odd behaviour, I'd be worried too. Especially the stuff regarding her husband.

I think you need to have a proper chat with her. Not just a throwaway "are you alright? You're not quite yourself" comment, but explain exactly why you're worried. Ask her directly why she keeps trying to orchestrate situations where you're alone with her husband.

mumofthemonsters808 · 04/09/2022 11:51

Something is not right here and I suspect it relates to the Husband, he may be pressuring her to be included in the friendship as he does not like her having friends..He may be controlling money wise and she has to justify her spending as he monitors her finances. You can either get to the bottom of what’s going on in her life or run a mile.

Personally I could not get involved, my priority is my family, I would not have the time or energy to devote to her, which would be just what the Husband aimed to achieve.

SheWoreYellow · 04/09/2022 11:55

Maybe her husband doesn’t want her meeting up with you, and she can’t hide it if she’s spent money.

Verbena1 · 04/09/2022 11:55

The bit where she asked you to come round and watch TV with her husband is so odd I’d be inclined to think something is going on under the surface. Could you invite her to yours for coffee and really try to get to the bottom of things?

Thepeopleversuswork · 04/09/2022 12:04

The thing with the husband is very odd indeed and I'd be much more disturbed by this by the not wanting to pay for lunch. It's irritating but this is a bit of a red herring IMO.

It feels to me as if he has asked to vet you for some reason or he is vaguely uncomfortable about her spending time with you and she is trying to engineer for you to spend time with him so he can see you are OK.

Or possibly he's very socially awkward or struggling with his MH and she is trying to encourage him to interact with people other than you.

Or possibly he is coercive or abusive and she wants to engineer a situation where this will become apparent to you without her having to tell you herself so she avoids feeling guilty.

I would try to gently coax out of her whether she is worried about something at home.

GhostFromTheOtherSide · 04/09/2022 12:09

Sounds to me as if the lovely behaviour is actually minimal but just enough that you think of her as a lovely person. So rather than being a lovely person with strange traits, she sounds like a strange person with lovely traits.

I would back away tbh.

KyaClark · 04/09/2022 12:14

Maybe she was quiet on the walk because you'd agreed coffee and a walk, so she was waiting for you to say you'd get the coffee?

Summerfun54321 · 04/09/2022 12:20

Well I could hardly sit there tucking into a meal whilst she’s cradling a bloody coffee could I

Yes of course you could, she offered to take you for lunch. I think you’ve made this awkward by being overly generous and worrying too much about social etiquette. I’ve had no money before and had a coffee whilst others had lunch on the basis that I wanted to see friends, couldn’t afford lunch but didn’t expect others to pay. Money is really tight for some people and I think accepting then refusing her lunch offer has made it more awkward IMO.

Summerfun54321 · 04/09/2022 12:20

The meeting her husband bit is really strange though.

Whatsonmymindgrapes · 04/09/2022 12:25

The husband thing is so strange… maybe your friendship has come to the end of the road.

burnoutbabe · 04/09/2022 12:27

Well I could hardly sit there tucking into a meal whilst she’s cradling a bloody coffee could I

i probably would have just ordered a big cake in that situation and offered her a bit., just to accept the offer but not take too much advantage. but i'd probably often just be oblivious and just order a cheap quick lunch and offer her some chips.

bringbackveronicamars · 04/09/2022 12:28

LordessLanister · 04/09/2022 11:23

The husband is odd. I can’t put my finger on it but he’s very strange. Kind of odd looking too.

I have a lovely natured dog who loves everyone but he hated him for some reason, wouldn’t go near him and bared teeth at him. Very out of character!

There is just so much I want to say here but I don’t want to risk outing her (or myself) but I don’t have anyone to talk to about it.

That right there is what I'd take my cue from, your dog, on top of the rest of the oddness. It sounds like your friend could be in a controlling (money) possibly abusive relationship (odd suggestion you sit with her husband alone could be his idea, not hers).

Dog's have very good instincts about people. I'd steer well clear of him going forward. I'd also be concerned for your friend's safety, but I wouldn't be going over there to check on her with him about. Can you ask her if all is well?

LadyCatStark · 04/09/2022 12:32

Well there’s definitely something odd going on. Perhaps her husband is controlling and/or financially abusive. I guess it depends on whether you have the emotional space to try to support her.

mansviewpoint · 04/09/2022 13:04

LordessLanister · 04/09/2022 11:23

The husband is odd. I can’t put my finger on it but he’s very strange. Kind of odd looking too.

I have a lovely natured dog who loves everyone but he hated him for some reason, wouldn’t go near him and bared teeth at him. Very out of character!

There is just so much I want to say here but I don’t want to risk outing her (or myself) but I don’t have anyone to talk to about it.

Just come to this and read your posts. There are red flags. I am concerned for your friend.
I would suggest that what you do is a lunch date, but tell her you will pick her up and take her somewhere that she hasn't been to with you. If she asks where, then say "it's a suprise", or if she pushes to know, then have a different name of a place, then apologise when you get there, saying, 'Oh i got the name wrong'. What you need to do is to try to make sure she's distanced from her husband. (If she has a mobile and it's being tracked then at least she can say to him later, than you told her the wrong name. If she becomes panic'd because it's not the place you said then that's a warning sign. If she goes on her phone, then again that's a warning sign.
Just half way through the meal, just put your hands on the table and say....
"If there is anything wrong then you don't need to tell me, but just touch my hand".
If she walks out straight away or touches your hand or becomes very panicked then you know theres a problem and she just can't tell you.
I know it's another £20 wasted, but for the 1 in 100 chance of an abusive spouse, to me, it has to be worth it.
Obviously she could just be a scounrger, and at which point it's also worth the £20 to then have nothing more to do with her.
Really concerned about the "watch TV with her husband" comment, sounds like he wanted to get you alone....

ilikemethewayiam · 04/09/2022 13:45

I would definitely listen to your dog! My previous dog did this when I was out walking him. Normally gentle natured. A man approached me. He was wearing a long trench coat which was inappropriate for the weather and he was acting strangely, agitated, and asking weird questions. my dog’s hackles immediately went up, he snarled then lunged at him. He had never shown that behaviour before or since. The man ran off. The next day there was reports that a man fitting this description had brutally attacked a woman locally. Not suggesting her DH would do that but I do I believe Dogs have a sixth sense.

I agree with others, it’s sounds like she has money and possibly relationship problems. She could be too embarrassed to say but values your friendship and is trying to reach out. Maybe he is financially controlling. I’m baffled by her trying to encourage you to engage with him whilst she’s not there though. That is very strange! I can’t think of an explanation for that.

ProfessionalWeirdo · 04/09/2022 14:47

I think I'd have to ask her tbh. Why is she so eager to get the two of you to meet up without her?

That was my first thought too.

RootinandTootin · 04/09/2022 23:00

Just ask her if she’s okay, tell her you’re not trying to embarrass her but your worried she might be struggling with something. It sounds like she wants the friendship but is having financial difficulties. You feel like a failure when you can’t even afford a meal out. No one here can explain her behaviour but it doesn’t just sound like she’s a CF. Sometimes you need to ask before someone will open up

BronwenFrideswide · 04/09/2022 23:11

LordessLanister · 04/09/2022 11:20

That’s what DH said but I have a nagging feeling that she’s not ok and I can’t just walk away from that ☹️ I just don’t know what to do if she won’t talk?

Show quote history

Your husband is right, take his advice and walk away from this 'friendship', the behaviour is truly bizarre.

You answered your own question re the nagging feeling she is not okay you can't do anything if she doesn't want your help or to tell you.

Just let the 'friendship' drop.