To be a bit cross at my friend but also confused?

[LordessLanister]

Have known friend for around 4 years, she’s lovely, kind heart. Very nice person.
We’ve recently got into a habit of meeting up every other week for lunch but somehow I always ended up paying. The first time I just offered. The second time the bill came and friend slowly reached for her bag but was faffing and I started to feel awkward so I just paid. She thanked me.
The time after that was her birthday, so I paid as a birthday treat. Bare in mind I was never that bothered about these times as I am in a more comfortable financial position than she is.
These lunches cost me around £20 a time. Not a huge deal for me but it was starting to add up. The time after that the bill came and she didn’t offer so I just paid it but I made a mental note to knock these lunches on the head.

Anyway, a few weeks went past and she messaged me asking if I fancied going out for lunch, same place, her treat. She acknowledged that I’d paid for the previous meals and said it was her turn to pay. I thanked her and accepted. We arranged to meet same place at 12pm.

I got there, she was already seated. The waiter came along with the menus and she said “just a coffee for me please, I ate before I came out” 😱 seeing the look on my face she added “oh but you get whatever you want! My treat!”. Well I could hardly sit there tucking into a meal whilst she’s cradling a bloody coffee could I - so I ordered a coffee too. It came to £5 and she paid. I’d put off eating anything before hand as she’d said we were going out for lunch so I was bloody starving. Then she asked for a lift home (in a round about way) and asked me in for another coffee. I just wanted to go home and eat something so I made my excuses and dropped her off before heading home to my pot noodle 🙄

WTF? Why would you invite someone out for lunch and then eat before you came out? It’s not even so much the money I’m bothered about, it’s the fact that I was looking forward to lunch and ended up driving across town for a cheap coffee - wouldn’t have even been so bad if it was Costa or something but it was cheap instant coffee. I make better myself!

So after that lunch dates knocked firmly on the head!!

Anyway, she messaged me and asked if I fancied meeting up at a local beauty spot for a walk and maybe a coffee. I agreed. I got there and we started walking - she was more or less silent throughout. I tried to make conversation but she just didn’t seem to want to talk. An hour later and aimlessly walking around I made my excuses and left.

She never used to be like this. What’s going on?? Why ask to meet up and then stay silent?

im between being a bit irritated and also worried about her!

My first instinct is that this is about money. You have paid for lunch 4 times in a row and she is having a hard time trying to process that this can’t continue. Her weird coffee lunch was another attempt to manipulate you into offering to pay for lunches in future.

The attempts to get you to meet with her husband are probably also connected to money, perhaps a loan.

If it was me, I would sack off this friendship and not be available anymore.

However, if you are worried about her, have one last chat, on the phone this time, when she’s at work and outside of her home. Tell her the recent strange behaviour is making you worried for her and please could you she tell you what’s happened.

If she still won’t talk to you, let it be but perhaps next time she initiates a met-up, suggests she meets up with your husband alone, just to gauge her reaction!

That is a strange thing for her to have done. I think that she doesn't want to take turns paying, so is suggesting walks instead. She was happier when you always paid. Now you've stopped, she's acting strange.

I’d definitely be concerned that something is not right about her marriage. Whether he’s controlling her, they’ve got some weird thing going on to sound you out to be a ‘third’ or she has odd issues - potentially wondering if you would do anything with her husband if she isn’t around - something is very off.

If it were me i’d lay it all out when I was alone with her and ask her why is going on and that I was concerned. But i’m a very direct person in these sorts of situations.

Just half way through the meal, just put your hands on the table and say....
"If there is anything wrong then you don't need to tell me, but just touch my hand".
If she walks out straight away or touches your hand or becomes very panicked then you know theres a problem and she just can't tell you.

This is a brilliant idea. When I was in an abusive relationship and hadn't disclosed it to anyone (no money issues) I tried to keep in touch with friends even though he made it uncomfortable for me. I was therefore undoubtably not good company much of the time. I would have touched that hand.

Maybe she wants to get rid of her husband and by suggesting all these meetings where he will be alone with you, she might then accuse you of having an affair with him or worse. He might be in cahoots with her fir some unknown weird reason.
I'd leave that friendship... definitely. She's not the full picnic.

Yeah, the thought crossed my mind too. She’s quite keen to set it up so you’re alone with him, OP. I’d worry that the pair of them are setting you up for something. Not sure exactly what that something is, if it is the case, but I wouldn’t be inclined to stick around and test that theory.

She sounds a bit batshit but then so do you. If she's trying to get you to meet her dh whilst she isn’t there recognise that is creepy and back off. You sound like you have a saviour complex, work on it because not everyone needs or wants to be saved. I'm in agreement with your dh that this friendship needs to end as are many other posters. If she reaches out then and says he is abusive or there are issues you can decide how best you would like to support her.

I think the silence was sulking and a form of manipulation. She wants you to suggest the lunches and for you to resume paying for them. I'm sure she'd be perfectly chatty then. I'd knock this one-sided friendship on the head.

Controlling husband? Maybe before the coffee instead of lunch incident he took her card/ money away?
Sounds like she wants to tell you something but is scared to. I’d sit her down and say something is wrong and I’m not going until you tell me what. Won’t go any further I just want to help.

I’m guessing she doesn’t have much money so in order to pay for your lunch she wasn’t going to eat out. I don’t think she is being purposely difficult. She said she would treat you to lunch and would have.

Stick to coffee for now and the sort of places where you go and order & pay at the same time. Then no one will feel awkward.

Sounds like she wants to tell you something but is scared to. I’d sit her down and say something is wrong and I’m not going until you tell me what. Won’t go any further I just want to help.

this

That is very odd!! Have you got any mutual friends or do you know her family?

My dog always hated my dad, zero reason for it and my dad dotes on dogs and always went above and beyond for him but my dog still hated him and would snap at him almost as if he thought he was protecting me (I have no issues with my dad).

So I wouldnt put too much in that, dogs can be judgemental for no reason just as humans are.

I would do one more 'are you ok'...and if nothing forthcoming, step away.

Tell me more about her lovely nature and kind heart.

What are some examples of these traits?

I would say she is trying to orchestrate opportunities for you to be alone with him so that you can observe his behaviour without her actually having to explicitly tell you something is wrong. Maybe she isn't sure or can't express it and that would be a way of getting independent validation.

I'd leave her to it now. Too much overthinking and wondering. You have your own life. You cant save them all. Shes not volunteering any information, it's not your job to keep digging and wondering about her life.

The alternative is to be straight with her. You tell her you find it odd she keeps trying to facilitate meet ups between you and her husband and youre not interested in it.

That’s my impression too. I would do this and assist if needed but if she’s just being weird or manipulative I would distance myself.

Do you have other friends, I'm not saying you need to drop this person completely but be mindful of how much of your time and space she is taking up.

Why can't you just talk to her. "I've got you tell you there have been a number of odd issues recently such as .....name them, and I wondered if you are ok and what is going on? "

I also thought that.

Like others here, I would advise you to stay away. I have had a ‘friend’ just like that and just like you, I felt sorry for her as her child has special needs and her husband doesn’t help her at all.
So despite all the weirdness I tried to be a good friend, help her with childcare, school runs etc. although I was working full time and have a small child myself whereas she worked only casually (only 2 days a week when she did have a job, but mostly didn’t work).
Just like your friend, she would invite me over and leave me with her husband. Then, as soon as I split with my partner, she invited my ex partner to go swimming with her, without telling me.
She also invited my other friends for meet up with her, also behind my back and tried to exclude me from my own friend’s group.
In the end, I told her that it is just weird. But in hindsight I wished I just stayed away, after the first few weird things she did to me.
I don’t see her any longer and avoid her and send my ex to meet up (for our girls to continue their friendship, it’s not ideal, but her DD has special needs and it’s not child’s fault that her mum is weird).

If it was a close friend of mine, I'd send a message and ask.

"Hi XYZ. Nice to see you yesterday, but you didn't seem quite yourself. Is everything okay? I'm always here if you need to chat or vent! x"

Could he be financially controlling her? Just after the later posts. V weird and I would be pissed off too - but I understand why you're worried from your later messages.

I think the silence was sulking and a form of manipulation. She wants you to suggest the lunches and for you to resume paying for them. I'm sure she'd be perfectly chatty then. I'd knock this one-sided friendship on the head.

I wondered this - she wants you to think “oh, it’s so much more fun to go for lunch”. And pay for her. But the husband thing is truly bizarre. I have one friend where I’m also quite friendly with her DH, so it wouldn’t be odd if I suggested coffee for her to say “I’m working that day, but Mark would be pleased to see you”. But any other friend? No. So unless you know him well, which you clearly don’t, there’s something afoot here as she’s mentioned this a lot.