To be a bit cross at my friend but also confused?

[LordessLanister]

Have known friend for around 4 years, she’s lovely, kind heart. Very nice person.
We’ve recently got into a habit of meeting up every other week for lunch but somehow I always ended up paying. The first time I just offered. The second time the bill came and friend slowly reached for her bag but was faffing and I started to feel awkward so I just paid. She thanked me.
The time after that was her birthday, so I paid as a birthday treat. Bare in mind I was never that bothered about these times as I am in a more comfortable financial position than she is.
These lunches cost me around £20 a time. Not a huge deal for me but it was starting to add up. The time after that the bill came and she didn’t offer so I just paid it but I made a mental note to knock these lunches on the head.

Anyway, a few weeks went past and she messaged me asking if I fancied going out for lunch, same place, her treat. She acknowledged that I’d paid for the previous meals and said it was her turn to pay. I thanked her and accepted. We arranged to meet same place at 12pm.

I got there, she was already seated. The waiter came along with the menus and she said “just a coffee for me please, I ate before I came out” 😱 seeing the look on my face she added “oh but you get whatever you want! My treat!”. Well I could hardly sit there tucking into a meal whilst she’s cradling a bloody coffee could I - so I ordered a coffee too. It came to £5 and she paid. I’d put off eating anything before hand as she’d said we were going out for lunch so I was bloody starving. Then she asked for a lift home (in a round about way) and asked me in for another coffee. I just wanted to go home and eat something so I made my excuses and dropped her off before heading home to my pot noodle 🙄

WTF? Why would you invite someone out for lunch and then eat before you came out? It’s not even so much the money I’m bothered about, it’s the fact that I was looking forward to lunch and ended up driving across town for a cheap coffee - wouldn’t have even been so bad if it was Costa or something but it was cheap instant coffee. I make better myself!

So after that lunch dates knocked firmly on the head!!

Anyway, she messaged me and asked if I fancied meeting up at a local beauty spot for a walk and maybe a coffee. I agreed. I got there and we started walking - she was more or less silent throughout. I tried to make conversation but she just didn’t seem to want to talk. An hour later and aimlessly walking around I made my excuses and left.

She never used to be like this. What’s going on?? Why ask to meet up and then stay silent?

im between being a bit irritated and also worried about her!

"They're sex people, Lynn" was also my thought when the OP got to the husband post.

thats the sort of crap my DM would do, you go to see her, and she goes out, and says "oh you can sit with x,y,z"

fuck off - I came to see you, not your friends

I wonder if the husband has restricted the money so she cannot pay?
Something odd going on there.

I'm not sure why you would want to continue this friendship when the communication between you is so confusing. It's making you doubt yourself whatever her issues are.

It sounds so manipulative, accepting four lunch dates but not being forward with payment. If you can't afford it, why accept and eat four lunches at someone else's expense? That doesn't seem honorable behavior and it's not your responsibility to subside her.

A cynical person might say she's picked up on your willingness to pay for her and then tried to manipulate it again with the eating beforehand nonsense.

As for the husband thing. It's making you uncomfortable. Who cares why she's doing it, you don't like it! Your only options here are to ask her what's going on, she probably won't tell you if she uses manipulation as a form of communication. Not your circus, not your monkeys.

That's really fucking weird, I'd be backing way out of that friendship

Maybe she's just picked up a lot of his weird behaviour over the years. Sitting in silence, walking without talking, not spending money when out. She's trying to gift you and him the pleasure of each others company for when she's too busy.

That's odd be fine if he offered to walk the dog for you. Is she trying to get rid of her husband 😂😂😂or just testing you both?

Next time she asks to meet up, if she's quiet ask again if she's OK and don't take "I'm fine" for an answer. And ask her why she keeps trying to manoeuvre you to be alone with her husband.

I’m getting the impression she isn’t neurotypical from some of the things she’s done.

Could you invite her to your place for a coffee or lunch? No pressure for her to pay and she may feel able to talk to you about whatever is going on. It definitely seems that something isn't right and she may need help and/or advice.

This is really quite offensive. FWIW dogs absolutely love my autistic son (and he adores them). They also like me!

This could be a good plot for a book. I really want to know what's going on!!!

I would just invite her to go for a walk or something that is free or cheap and see if she will open up about things.

It would!

My bet is on them being sex people.

In all seriousness I hope she’s ok, but you should definitely protect yourself as others have suggested op!

Sound like nutters. Or he's some controlling type who needs to get you before he lets you out of the house. Or he's demanded she go out and find him female friends.

She’s not got a lot of money and is embarrassed to talk about it. I would find a cheaper activity - coffee and walk sounds brill.

Is she in a very controlling relationship and has maybe been not used to much freedom or has very low self confidence? do you know much about her upbringing? My dad has some very odd behaviours (boarding school and family trauma) which means he cannot handle some everyday interactions or situations. One memorable time he took us out for a family meal and when the bill came he calmly asked the waitress to bring us 5 itemised bills so we could pay as individuals 😵Basically the stress of us ordering things he didn't anticipate meant he hadn't mentally prepared for the cost of the meal and became unmanageable. Sounds like she might have some avoidance issues of something.

Some dog's are like this with my son and daughter. They can sense they're fear so bark at them which makes them more wary. They are fine if they come accross well behaved dogs on a lead. It's the one's that are off lead and over friendly that worry me. They always say oh they're friendly. But owner's of dog's who have attacked say they're friendly until that first time they do and can be unpredictable. I actually miss social distancing nobody let they're dog's approach then.

Exactly this.

As another poster suggested, my instinct about her trying to get you alone with her husband is that he will reveal abusive or controlling behaviour to you, so you find out without her having to tell you. I think the silent walk was similar, she wanted you to press her into opening up to you, or just wanted to signal very loudly (i.e. silently) that something is wrong even if she didn't want to talk about it.

On the other hand, the theory that it's a weird sex fantasy either of hers or both of them, involving her catching you at it, is also compelling.

I'm intrigued by the husband too - does he work?

Honestly if you were real friends you would talk honestly to each other and you wouldn't feel awkward eating in front of her, if I was hungry and friend pulled thusctrick I would have eaten and I'd have called her out about eating beforehand. Maybe she's broke, you could ask her. If she is do a picnic!!!

Her behaviour is very strange so is the husbands.

I also think if you want to continue this friendship you may need to be very blunt. "Why did you invite me for lunch if you were planning to eat lunch beforehand?" "Why aren't you talking to me?" "Why does your husband want alone time with me, it's all a bit odd?".

I don't think leaving the weirdness in the friendship just hanging there is going to work.

This is beyond odd. She invited you to watch tv with her husband while she was out?! Who does that?! I must admit if it was me I would consider letting this friendship slide. The not paying for lunch thing would piss me off too

Sounds like she is possibly more broke than you thought? but still really wants to be friends with you?

Accept the walk date. Maybe do picknicks, walks or lunch round at eachothers houses?