To be a bit cross at my friend but also confused?

[LordessLanister]

Have known friend for around 4 years, she’s lovely, kind heart. Very nice person.
We’ve recently got into a habit of meeting up every other week for lunch but somehow I always ended up paying. The first time I just offered. The second time the bill came and friend slowly reached for her bag but was faffing and I started to feel awkward so I just paid. She thanked me.
The time after that was her birthday, so I paid as a birthday treat. Bare in mind I was never that bothered about these times as I am in a more comfortable financial position than she is.
These lunches cost me around £20 a time. Not a huge deal for me but it was starting to add up. The time after that the bill came and she didn’t offer so I just paid it but I made a mental note to knock these lunches on the head.

Anyway, a few weeks went past and she messaged me asking if I fancied going out for lunch, same place, her treat. She acknowledged that I’d paid for the previous meals and said it was her turn to pay. I thanked her and accepted. We arranged to meet same place at 12pm.

I got there, she was already seated. The waiter came along with the menus and she said “just a coffee for me please, I ate before I came out” 😱 seeing the look on my face she added “oh but you get whatever you want! My treat!”. Well I could hardly sit there tucking into a meal whilst she’s cradling a bloody coffee could I - so I ordered a coffee too. It came to £5 and she paid. I’d put off eating anything before hand as she’d said we were going out for lunch so I was bloody starving. Then she asked for a lift home (in a round about way) and asked me in for another coffee. I just wanted to go home and eat something so I made my excuses and dropped her off before heading home to my pot noodle 🙄

WTF? Why would you invite someone out for lunch and then eat before you came out? It’s not even so much the money I’m bothered about, it’s the fact that I was looking forward to lunch and ended up driving across town for a cheap coffee - wouldn’t have even been so bad if it was Costa or something but it was cheap instant coffee. I make better myself!

So after that lunch dates knocked firmly on the head!!

Anyway, she messaged me and asked if I fancied meeting up at a local beauty spot for a walk and maybe a coffee. I agreed. I got there and we started walking - she was more or less silent throughout. I tried to make conversation but she just didn’t seem to want to talk. An hour later and aimlessly walking around I made my excuses and left.

She never used to be like this. What’s going on?? Why ask to meet up and then stay silent?

im between being a bit irritated and also worried about her!

Ask her straight out if you've huffed her . If she says no then you have the opening to say , somethings wrong, would you like to talk about it .

It’s weird. I’d have an open direct conversation about it. Say it’s making you and your husband uncomfortable and that you are worried about her well-being.

Normally I have no time for excess friends who bring nothing to my life and phase them out. However there are alarm bells here and I think it’s worth a punt discussing it with her. You can reassure her that you don’t expect her to buy you lunch etc.

oh and trust the dog

Thats really weird! I have no advice though sorry. Maybe she was hoping for a threesome situation?

The money isn’t a huge issue for you it seems to be more about the equal balance of friendship.

I do suspect she’s controlled and I have had friends and such that were.

They wouldn’t have any money and their partners would deeply resent true one on one time…. Unless they were trying to have a threesome. Before it was brought up to me I was supposed to spend time with their boring and unattractive men.

My first rodeo was enough to see the dynamic. I had to fly home early while I was younger and had very little money at the time. I remember I got out the car (after she said they’d have to think about being friends with me as he was so displeased at my insolence), I told her to never contact me until she was leaving him. I said I’d have nothing to do with her unless she was going to leave him. In the end it worked out.

I just want to caution you. If it’s a trauma bond then it’s a whole deal. You likely won’t save her but keep the door open. You’ll know if it is terrible by how she speaks of him.

If she is tight with money then … bin. But she obviously based on the scant knowledge I have… wanted to give back to you.

Yep, I’m with the dog on this one.

The creepy factor is sky high in both her and her husband's behaviour, and I'm afraid I'm of the same mind as the previous posters who've suggested there might be a sexual element to this tale ... I realise for 4 years you've known her without worrying and only started being irritated then worried after the lunches became a regular thing, but then you went on to mention plenty of other strange behaviours ...

Your husband, who's not directly involved in your relationship with her, has given you advice based on unbiased interpretation of what you've told him, and your dog has told you in pretty clear terms that your friend's husband is very bad news. Trust them, and drop all contact as a matter of safeguarding yourself.

For what it's worth, I believe all animals have a very developed sense of what I'll call "good" and "evil/ill-intentioned". My late Highland pony insisted that the ruins of a castle we lived near, were haunted. He was good as gold all the rest of the time but I never, ever, managed to get him within 50 yards of the ruins.

You've got me worried now - but not about your friend; about you unless you drop the relationship.

I wonder if he has coerced her into trying be a sex person, either just with him, or as a threesome?

Perhaps this is fantasy they or just he has, all worked out.

She comes home and catches you, and decides to join in, sort of thing?

Maybe she is desperately unhappy, but he is pressuring her to do all of this, hence the strange silences.

Perhaps it is her fantasy and her husband doesn't want to, so he sits glued to the tv.

Intriguing

Reading this thread gives me the heebeejeebees. Listen to your instinct that theres something amiss here . Steer clear. If you know any police have a quiet word about the weird husband, just in case.

She needs to stop
suggesting lunch, maybe she should suggest a picnic and bring your own if she wants to maintain the friendship? Does she feel like she has to keep up with you?(lunches out etc) Why don’t you make the effort? Seems like she is the only one that does? Maybe you offer a picnic in a park and bring your own coffee? YOU make the effort??!! Just a thought 🤷‍♀️

It sounds like she wanted to repay the favour by buying you lunch but has money struggles and couldn’t afford both lunches.

Honestly based on what is written, I hope anyone validates their own discomfort.

Animals have senses but more often they pick up our subconscious energy. We have subconscious thoughts that give way in our actions and animals feel that. Animals aren’t magic and they don’t know right from wrong in the sense of being able to weigh morality on their own They do however know what is right for their human and they will act upon it.

Hes not an abuser or a sex person it's been 4 years and he just sits there watching the telly

Maybe she's trying to get him to socialise with people more

That is so terrible 😢.

The money thing is odd but I can kind of see how it happened.

The social side is odder. Sounds like she is socially clueless. However it also sounds like she does all the initiating of meet-ups. If I were you I'd initiate something on my terms and suggest something I want to do. Probably a walk and coffee and each pay for their own. If she doesn't speak then I'd call it a day.

My dog did this, I had a mum and youngish boy visit , about 9 , and my dog spent the whole time rumbling at him yet was lovely with the mum . Anyway said boy made his way towards me and the dog flew across the sofa at him in full flight aggression , didn't bite but hackles up , teeth bared and the growling my god I was mortified.
The mum was very nonchalant and said it often happens because her son is autistic and dogs sense something of ' off ' . Maybe your friends husband is autistic.
I do agree her behaviour is odd . Only you can decide if the friendship is worth pursuing.

I wouldn't put too much weight on what the dog thinks though. Some of our friends have dogs and several have initially taken against my husband. He's really lovely and wouldn't hurt a fly but he's not a dog person and must give off that vibe. People could assume he's a bad person if they took notice of the dogs.

Minimalme this is also what ghilane Maxwell was doing by recruiting women for jeffrey Epstein... asking schoolgirls in uniforms whether they wanted to speak to her boss about modelling, she said she was a scout. Obviously she was grooming them for sexual abuse.

Op this story sounds really shady and there is something about it that sounds very concerning for you. We don't owe anyone anything if it is going to be potentially damaging to ourselves. I would put some boundaries in with your friend and walk away. She is not opening up to you and it sounds as though you have given her the opportunity to. You are going around in circles.

What did you say to her when she tried to get you to meet her husband alone?

I would say "I don't want to meet your husband alone, why are you asking that?"

Tell her it's odd and you are actually worried about her and see what she says

Then leave her and her husband to it

My first thought when you mentioned her husband was that they were up for a threesome or something along those lines. Does he work? Is he depressed? Why does he watch tv all day? Maybe invite them both round for a meal at yours with you and your dh. You might get to know him a bit better in a more relaxed environment with more people and the wine is flowing/get a better picture of whether he's dodgy or not?

I would say she's trying to tell you something
How did you first meet/become friends?

Why oh why did you just not order what you wanted. Totally on you yabu.

Does seem very odd. I wonder if there’s something deeper going on, that’s she’s not ready to say. I’d avoid the meet ups but keep in contact via messages. I’d let her know you’re always around if she ever needs to talk about anything

At the risk of losing this friendship entirely I would just ask her. Obviously it's all coming between you anyway so I would want to at least clear the air.

I would ask why she wants you to spend time alone with her husband. And trust your dogs reaction. Its either a sex thing he has pushed her into doing, or some thing else. I would not go to her place.

This is so odd. It’s almost like she’s grooming you for something. The husband stuff is beyond weird