To be a bit cross at my friend but also confused?

[LordessLanister]

Have known friend for around 4 years, she’s lovely, kind heart. Very nice person.
We’ve recently got into a habit of meeting up every other week for lunch but somehow I always ended up paying. The first time I just offered. The second time the bill came and friend slowly reached for her bag but was faffing and I started to feel awkward so I just paid. She thanked me.
The time after that was her birthday, so I paid as a birthday treat. Bare in mind I was never that bothered about these times as I am in a more comfortable financial position than she is.
These lunches cost me around £20 a time. Not a huge deal for me but it was starting to add up. The time after that the bill came and she didn’t offer so I just paid it but I made a mental note to knock these lunches on the head.

Anyway, a few weeks went past and she messaged me asking if I fancied going out for lunch, same place, her treat. She acknowledged that I’d paid for the previous meals and said it was her turn to pay. I thanked her and accepted. We arranged to meet same place at 12pm.

I got there, she was already seated. The waiter came along with the menus and she said “just a coffee for me please, I ate before I came out” 😱 seeing the look on my face she added “oh but you get whatever you want! My treat!”. Well I could hardly sit there tucking into a meal whilst she’s cradling a bloody coffee could I - so I ordered a coffee too. It came to £5 and she paid. I’d put off eating anything before hand as she’d said we were going out for lunch so I was bloody starving. Then she asked for a lift home (in a round about way) and asked me in for another coffee. I just wanted to go home and eat something so I made my excuses and dropped her off before heading home to my pot noodle 🙄

WTF? Why would you invite someone out for lunch and then eat before you came out? It’s not even so much the money I’m bothered about, it’s the fact that I was looking forward to lunch and ended up driving across town for a cheap coffee - wouldn’t have even been so bad if it was Costa or something but it was cheap instant coffee. I make better myself!

So after that lunch dates knocked firmly on the head!!

Anyway, she messaged me and asked if I fancied meeting up at a local beauty spot for a walk and maybe a coffee. I agreed. I got there and we started walking - she was more or less silent throughout. I tried to make conversation but she just didn’t seem to want to talk. An hour later and aimlessly walking around I made my excuses and left.

She never used to be like this. What’s going on?? Why ask to meet up and then stay silent?

im between being a bit irritated and also worried about her!

ok, so read the thread now.

hmmm, its an odd one. I would find it odd if a friend was pushing me to meet up with their partner.
Maybe he has no friends?

The situation with the money sounds easily explained. She is most likely struggling financially and just embarrassed.
the situation with the husband is very strange. I'm not being judgemental but why would you have agreed to go and watch tv with him...someone you don't know well... alone? you know its odd, yet you did it anyway?
Also...what does your husband think about you going to 'hang out' with another man?
Both your friends and your behaviour doesn't add up to me.

Yep, this is what I was going to say.

Friends make you feel good about yourself and make sure that you enjoy yourself when you are with them. This person doesn't do that. She might be in an abusive relationship, have serious issues or just be a bit weird. If you get more involved, you may save her from whatever is going on ... or you may get sucked into the weirdness.

I think they are "sex people" too and want you to join them as a threesome and then get you to persuade your husband to join them at swinging parties.

I also think the silence is sulking you went for a walk but no coffee was offered .
the dh thing imo is odd but a lot of people do try and force their dh on friends.
I think it’s her issue if he was controlling wouldn’t he try and come along all stop her altogether? She suggests these get together so if she had no money surely she wouldn’t?
I suppose you’ll never really know unless you ask but me personally I’d knock this friendship on the head.

I too think the silent walk was a punishment: ‘see how it has to be if we can’t have lunch?!’

Very strange behaviour, and the attempts to engineer time alone with her H are very sinister OP.

She is crossing boundaries: manipulating you to pay for lunch, sulky loaded silent walks which leave you uncertain and rattled, bizarre pressure to spend alone time with her H, who you hardly know - she’s not being a friend to you at all.

I would text once more to say you feel there’s something wrong and ask what’s going on for her. If she demoted again then fade her out.

• demurs

You don't seem able to talk about things face to face so in your shoes, I'd message her
" Things don't feel comfortable between us any more. I thought it was odd when you invited me out for lunch but you'd already eaten. And you seem to want me to spend time with your husband. It all seems very strange and I want to clear the air. What is going on?"
And if her reply doesn't clarify it, I'd let the friendship dwindle.

Yup my thoughts

yup - this seems like a sensible approach to me....

Why do posters keep saying ‘sex people’ 😂😂😆

I think it’s from Alan Partridge

Ohhhhhhhh…. That makes more sense then 😂😆😆

OP i think conversations are happening between your friend and her husband without your knowledge and they are trying to set something up ... do they think you are a lot wealthier than them?

Sex people 😂

Ah Ha!!

“Don’t rub your fanny on me!”

How very bizarre! He sounds really creepy / why would she want to you to spend time with him 🤯🤯

Or possibly he is coercive or abusive and she wants to engineer a situation where this will become apparent to you without her having to tell you herself so she avoids feeling guilty.

If that’s the case then what she’s doing is putting OP in danger.

Suggesting you could "go and help her husband do the garden" - this is beyond weird in itself without all the other stuff.

Why on earth would she think you want to do ANYTHING with her husband when she isn't present?

How well do's she know your fella?

Who the heck pushes other women to spend time alone with their fella. Regardless of how much trust she has in him. Its one thing to say he can put up a flatpack for them. While he is actually in the same room so he can agree or refuse.

I had a friend who had a succession of abusive partners for years. She 'd often try to engineer things so I'd have time alone with them (though I ofen couldn't bear them). I quickly learnt to avoid this at all costs after the very first partner tried to force himself on me in their kitchen when she had to go out on some vague errand. Over the years the partners became more abusive towards her, and she got more complicit in their weird behaviour.

My advice - make contact with your local police station's domestic and family violence team and tell them you're concerned about her and give them as much information as you can, including Dr's details if you know them. Once you've done that take their advice and/or leave it in their hands.

Have you seen your friend again @LordessLanister ?