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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit cross at my friend but also confused?

175 replies

LordessLanister · 04/09/2022 10:39

Have known friend for around 4 years, she’s lovely, kind heart. Very nice person.
We’ve recently got into a habit of meeting up every other week for lunch but somehow I always ended up paying. The first time I just offered. The second time the bill came and friend slowly reached for her bag but was faffing and I started to feel awkward so I just paid. She thanked me.
The time after that was her birthday, so I paid as a birthday treat. Bare in mind I was never that bothered about these times as I am in a more comfortable financial position than she is.
These lunches cost me around £20 a time. Not a huge deal for me but it was starting to add up. The time after that the bill came and she didn’t offer so I just paid it but I made a mental note to knock these lunches on the head.

Anyway, a few weeks went past and she messaged me asking if I fancied going out for lunch, same place, her treat. She acknowledged that I’d paid for the previous meals and said it was her turn to pay. I thanked her and accepted. We arranged to meet same place at 12pm.

I got there, she was already seated. The waiter came along with the menus and she said “just a coffee for me please, I ate before I came out” 😱 seeing the look on my face she added “oh but you get whatever you want! My treat!”. Well I could hardly sit there tucking into a meal whilst she’s cradling a bloody coffee could I - so I ordered a coffee too. It came to £5 and she paid. I’d put off eating anything before hand as she’d said we were going out for lunch so I was bloody starving. Then she asked for a lift home (in a round about way) and asked me in for another coffee. I just wanted to go home and eat something so I made my excuses and dropped her off before heading home to my pot noodle 🙄

WTF? Why would you invite someone out for lunch and then eat before you came out? It’s not even so much the money I’m bothered about, it’s the fact that I was looking forward to lunch and ended up driving across town for a cheap coffee - wouldn’t have even been so bad if it was Costa or something but it was cheap instant coffee. I make better myself!

So after that lunch dates knocked firmly on the head!!

Anyway, she messaged me and asked if I fancied meeting up at a local beauty spot for a walk and maybe a coffee. I agreed. I got there and we started walking - she was more or less silent throughout. I tried to make conversation but she just didn’t seem to want to talk. An hour later and aimlessly walking around I made my excuses and left.

She never used to be like this. What’s going on?? Why ask to meet up and then stay silent?

im between being a bit irritated and also worried about her!

OP posts:
Thisbastardcomputer · 04/09/2022 23:24

I have a niece who is not much younger than I am, if it's my turn to pay it's slap up lunch, if it's her turn, she says I'm not very hungry I'll just have cake and coffee.

For this reason I've stopped it.

oopsfellover · 04/09/2022 23:28

My first thought was that you could be a bit more assertive about asking for her half of the bill etc. However it sounds as though there’s more stuff going on.

mamabear715 · 04/09/2022 23:33

Hmm, red flags.. I instinctively feel something really shady, but it's NOT your job to 'save' this friend.
I would hate to think you were getting dragged into something, tbh. Listen to your DH & let the friendship go.

Hoolihan · 04/09/2022 23:35

Sounds really really weird and gives me a bad feeling. Is the husband behind the attempts to engineer a solo meeting? Seems very creepy.

Daisy38 · 04/09/2022 23:40

It sounds very odd. I’d be very wary going forward. Where did you meet her? Did you meet them as a couple or was she your friend and she’s now trying to force her husband into your friendship?

Aretheyhavingalaugh · 04/09/2022 23:48

This is very odd behaviour indeed, especially the meeting of the husband alone. The first thing that comes to mind is they want you to engage in some sort of orgy and she feels too embrassed to ask, hence the meeting with the husband alone etc. Otherwise it could be a weird attempt, at him getting to know you. It's very strange and creepy. Are you single OP? How long have you known this friend?

Aretheyhavingalaugh · 04/09/2022 23:49

Sorry, I just saw you mentioned you've known her for 4 years, how did the friendship come about?

WagathaChristieMystery · 04/09/2022 23:50

Can you invite her around to yours for a coffee and catch up? Then there won’t be the potential awkwardnesss of paying for a meal/drink out. Also, in the privacy of your house, she might feel comfortable enough to open up a bit more, if there’s deeper stuff going on that she wants to confide in you about.

surreygirl1987 · 04/09/2022 23:53

Something is not right here and I suspect it relates to the Husband, he may be pressuring her to be included in the friendship as he does not like her having friends..He may be controlling money wise and she has to justify her spending as he monitors her finances. You can either get to the bottom of what’s going on in her life or run a mile.

I think this could be right. The husband thing is so creepy. Steer well clear of him.

UWhatNow · 04/09/2022 23:57

I’m sorry but I would cut ties - just the weird suggestion of leaving you alone with her husband and fleecing you for lunch. No good friend does that. She has had a few opportunities to disclose abuse or whatever is bothering her and she hasn’t. Sack her off.

Frances0911 · 04/09/2022 23:58

I think she's probably miffed she's not getting her free lunches any more - I bet if you invited her for lunch and said my treat, she'll be back to her chatty self!

Kate0902900908 · 05/09/2022 00:01

You MUST stay away from this friend and her husband. The behaviour is red flags. Why would she offer multiple times for you to spend time alone with her husband when she is your friend and you have no relationship with her husband? It sounds to me (roughly work in a field related) like she may be emotionally abused by him and he is initiating wanting her to invite you into scenarios where you and him will be alone.
he may also be financially controlling so she arranged meeting up and he has restricted money for her to follow through on these meetings.

Stay away, I know it can seem and she may well be a very nice person but something is no right and you must protect yourself.

Also- you would not believe the times dogs know exactly what’s what!!

Luredbyapomegranate · 05/09/2022 00:05

The lunch thing seems quite straightforward. She can't afford it, but doesn't want to say so, so just stick to alternating coffees in future, and treat her to the odd lunch when you want.

The walk thing is also probably quite straightforward in that it sounds like she is feeling down at the moment, whether about money or who knows what. Hopefully she will start to open up. Give it a month or so and if she's still being odd, bring it up again.

The husband thing is very weird, with bells on. Who knows? Maybe he is wildly anti-social and she thinks you'd be a good person for him to get to know, so he'll let her invite you and your DH round for dinner. Or he is controlling and she wants your perspective. When she suggests it next time, just say, no I don't know YDH, so I'd find that awkward. She will get the message.

Obviously you need to be comfortable, so if you are anyway not, then drop her. But otherwise like you I would be concerned and would stick around to see what gives.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 05/09/2022 00:10

Just cut your losses here and walk away, please.

Xmasbaby11 · 05/09/2022 00:13

Crikey, that is so odd. The lunches/coffee awkwardness is bad enough but trying to engineer spending time with her DH is not right. I really would back away from the friendship. You have tried and she's not willing or able to be open. She's either very odd if she thinks her behaviour is normal, or she is deliberately hiding something.

If you do end up going out for lunch or coffee, just pay for your own. Say 'It's probably easier if we just pay for our own from now on' and don't budge. Then you can order what you want.

Minimalme · 05/09/2022 00:14

Knock the friendship on the head.

I know this might be a bit hysterical of me but there are lots of examples of women who helped their partner commit crime by recruiting the victim.

Her 'invites' are really odd and I wouldn't advise sticking around to find out why.

mustbetheseasonofthebitch · 05/09/2022 00:18

She's a weirdo.

Minimalme · 05/09/2022 00:18

The one that springs to mind is Myra Hindley who went out in the car and offered a lift to a woman who she knew.

That poor woman lost her life because she trusted another woman.

LoveSummerNotIcecream · 05/09/2022 00:18

In the words of Alan Partridge “they’re sex people Lynne”. He wants to sleep with you and is manipulating her into trying to arrange it.

ifIwerenotanandroid · 05/09/2022 00:19

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 05/09/2022 00:10

Just cut your losses here and walk away, please.

Seconded. It's not your responsibility & you have to think of your own safety.

buckeejit · 05/09/2022 00:25

@LoveSummerNotIcecream Grin sex people!

I'd try to talk to her once more & ask why she wants you to spend time with her husband. Make sure she knows you will support her if she needs help.

Good luck

Aretheyhavingalaugh · 05/09/2022 00:35

LoveSummerNotIcecream · 05/09/2022 00:18

In the words of Alan Partridge “they’re sex people Lynne”. He wants to sleep with you and is manipulating her into trying to arrange it.

Yep, that's exactly what I said too

CuriousMama · 05/09/2022 00:49

LoveSummerNotIcecream · 05/09/2022 00:18

In the words of Alan Partridge “they’re sex people Lynne”. He wants to sleep with you and is manipulating her into trying to arrange it.

Crossed my mind too. I could hear Alan Partridge saying it 😂
Just bizarre it's taken 4 years?

Anystarinthesky · 05/09/2022 00:57

I would stop seeing her, your DH and dog have sussed out it out.

All too weird.

Tonkatol · 05/09/2022 00:59

I would trust your dog - their instinct is usually spot-on.

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