To think i'm not being rude to go to bed at 3am

[Bluemonkey18]

So I'm spending the weekend at my DP's house, we were all up late talking in the kitchen. DP was having a conversation with their DM at the table whilst I was on the sofa on my phone feeling pretty tired. I then got up and went to give DP a goodnight kiss and said I was going to bed. (At 3am)

DP comes to bed 10 minutes later saying that it was rude of me to just come to bed and said that their DM thought so too. DP said that I should be expected to stay up until whatever time they decide to go to bed, as it's 'rude to just take yourself off to bed'.

AIBU to think that I am not being rude and that actually to keep someone up until you're all ready for bed is in itself rude and strange behaviour?

Perhaps a diagram would help.

Oh my, we had a family friend visit Tara ago, and we were watching TV. I felt tired, then woke up with my head on DP's shoulder and my legs across family friend's lap, to which DP said "...you fell sleep", and they continued watching TV. 😂 So I think you did better than me, apparently making myself comfortable at everyone else's expense. 😳

*years ago, not sure where Tara came from!

So I still don't think YABU for going up to bed at 3am HOWEVER I do think this is one of the pitfalls of dating someone who lives with their parents, and spending a lot of time at their house over a long period.

Having been in relationships with people who have lived with their parents in their 20s, I found there was a sort of parent/children dynamic, with myself and ExBF being the children (despite both being fully grown adults). Which on reflection is fair enough, when you're effectively living in someone's home, eating their food, using their electricity, etc. without contributing financially.

Her mum generally finds it rude when I go off to DPs room whatever time of day or night, because she says it's like I'm treating it like my own room and it's not.

I could be totally wrong, but it sounds like maybe your GF's mum thinks you're taking the piss a bit. If you spend every other weekend there do you help prepare meals, clean, tidy up after yourself, etc? Or is it just the social niceties (saying goodnight) you struggle with?

Maybe you and DP need to start thinking about getting your own place.

They're batshit. I'd run away from this relationship.

How old are you?

I ask because this doesn't really sound like a normal adult relationship, if I'm being honest. Spending every other weekend with your DP's parents and apparently being at the house all day while you're there rather than going out and doing stuff seems really suffocating, especially if her parents think you need to ask permission to go into her room unless DP is in there with you.

However, if I was the parent of a grown woman whose partner was hanging around at my house for the entire weekend every other week for 'a few years' I would probably be getting really fed-up with having an an extra person around all the time, meaning that I couldn't fully relax etc. So I can see why your DP's mum is starting to get irritable with you. I think you and your DP need to grow up a bit in terms of your living arrangements because this set-up doesn't sound very healthy for anyone.

So yes, YANBU to think you were not being rude about going to bed and your DP's mum is being weird about that. But I think there are other ways in which YABU.

^Her mum generally finds it rude when I go off to DPs room whatever time of day or night, because she says it's like I'm treating it like my own room and it's not.
^
^*I could be totally wrong, but it sounds like maybe your GF's mum thinks you're taking the piss a bit. If you spend every other weekend there do you help prepare meals, clean, tidy up after yourself, etc? Or is it just the social niceties (saying goodnight) you struggle with?

Maybe you and DP need to start thinking about getting your own place.*^

I agree. Tbh it sounds like the parents maybe getting irritated by you there every other weekend. If you aren't actually making an effort with the family, then that is rude. It also isn't your room, it's your girlfriends, she is in her family home and you are a guest.

I usually don't say goodnight to DPs mum as I didnt think it was necessary and didn't know how to do it without being awkward.

What??? How about you say ‘Sally (DP), I’m off to bed now, good night Mary (DP’s mum)’. How on earth is that awkward?

DPs mum rarely cooks tbh, it's mostly me cooking and washing up afterwards. I also bring my own food and if MIL was fed up of me being there wouldn't she want me to go to DPs room and be out of the way.

We are both 25/26 and yes we do want to get our own place very soon.

I know... I feel stupid now for feeling awkward about it

@Bluemonkey18 I’m in no way having a go with this, but genuinely trying to assist. Do you think there is a possibility you have a condition associated with disordered social skills? One of my kids (now adult) does, and in some ways your conundrums strike me as similar to them and there may well be a root cause for you not understanding or having difficulties with social situations that typically others would not. If so, trying to bumble along constantly is going to be frustrating and disheartening for you and best to address the root cause.

Sounds like she doesn't want you staying in her house every other weekend (your partners mother) I wouldn't fancy having someone stay over in my home so often either

Exactly this, I expect as a mum of a 20-something year old she wasn't counting on having a second 20-something year old living in her house every other weekend for the past few years.

@Bluemonkey18 time to speed up the house/flat search I think.

All seems a bit ridiculous to me! Solution:

1. Tell DP you were tired and 3 am is too late for you BUT you recognise you should have sa9d goodnight to her mum
2. Speak to Mum, apologise for "ignoring" her and then say that you went up because you were too tired and sorry if she found that rude it was'nt your intention

And if that doesn't work then basically tell them to get over themselves!!!!

Standard etiquette in our family is anyone can go to bed any time if they are tired. Just make a general announcement and wish everyone a good night and go.

Presumably you are an adult. You don't need to ask your parents' permission when you go to bed. Seems odd behaviour coming into your bedroom to tell you this.

I go to bed at 9pm, sometimes 8.30! You can go to bed when you like. 3am is ridiculous.

Is there a reason your gf can’t stay at yours instead?
Or even half the time?

As I previously posted I do think you were incredibly rude to kiss your gf and say good night whilst she was chatting to her mum and not say night to her mum.
All you had to say was “night”

You obviously feel very uncomfortable there and I don’t think you should be going there very often.

You should have said good night to his DM, but expecting guests to stay up half the night because they do, is the bad mannered thing, not to mention ridiculous.

Standard etiquette in our family is anyone can go to bed any time if they are tired. Just make a general announcement and wish everyone a good night and go.

Exactly this!

I do think the whole kissing your gf is really odd for me, especially when she was having a conversation and you sleep in the same bed.

It’s weird for them to think that you are being rude by going to bed at 3am, but it is rude and weird for you to not say goodnight to everyone there. It doesn’t have to be ‘formal’, just a breezy “I’m wiped out, I need to go to bed, lovely evening” that sort of thing!

Pffft…get to fuck. I used to be in a similar situation with an ex’s parents. Heck, even with my other half’s parents as well. They would have found it weird, me staying up until that time if I’m tired. If it was a family meal at the table, sure, I’d stay until that’s finished, but otherwise I’d just say ‘night all, I’m shattered, going to get some sleep.’

I think it’s a bit weird that you don’t say goodnight or where you are going though - I’d always say, ‘I’m just going to grab a shower’ or ‘nipping to the loo’. I’d never just wander out of a room without saying anything - I’d find that a bit odd and a bit rude.

We’re all brought up to find different things normal in our childhood family units though, so you’ll just have to find a way of creating a ‘normal’ between you and your partner that you can both live with.

Are you fecking kidding me? They are nuts going to bed at 3 am. Who wants to do that and feel like shit the next day? They are the unreasonable ones!

Are you sure they found it rude? Or is your girlfriend being controlling?

Just a red flag sort of thing - bit of emotional blackmail going on? A bit of 'everyone else thought you were wrong too' when they thought no such thing.

If they genuinely do find it rude, I'd probably be giving this relationship a very serious rethink. You'll be wedded not just to your partner but to her parents as well and it doesn't sound like she has your back.

It's one thing someone's parents being mental if your other half is also rolling their eyes and say 'oh for goodness sake Mum, it's 3am - let the man go to sleep'.

All in all - I'd be worried if I were you.

@Bluemonkey18 did u feel awkward because of the whole do I give her a hug/kiss on the cheek thing? Sometimes I get awkward in situations like that, more so with folk like my monster in law who makes me feel uncomfortable. I now do a walk to the door and then give a cheery bye or in your case night so I’m not close enough to have to decide the proper etiquette.