Page 8 | To think i'm not being rude to go to bed at 3am

Bluemonkey18 · 2022-09-04T02:20:34+00:00

So I'm spending the weekend at my DP's house, we were all up late talking in the kitchen. DP was having a conversation with their DM at the table whilst I was on the sofa on my phone feeling pretty tired. I then got up and went to give DP a goodnight kiss and said I was going to bed. (At 3am) DP comes to bed 10 minutes later saying that it was rude of me to just come to bed and said that their DM thought so too. DP said that I should be expected to stay up until whatever time they decide to go to bed, as it's 'rude to just take yourself off to bed'. *AIBU to think that I am not being rude and that actually to keep someone up until you're all ready for bed is in itself rude and strange behaviour?*

bringbackveronicamars · 04/09/2022 11:54

Bluemonkey18 · 04/09/2022 04:36

They usually go to bed fairly early.

Apparently it partly matters that I didn't say night to DP's mum but mainly it's that they think it's rude to take yourself off to bed when you're tired. And that they wouldn't do it in my house and would stay up all night if needed.

Your DP is ridiculous.

You don't sound compatible.

BadNomad · 04/09/2022 11:55

Headabovetheparakeet · 04/09/2022 11:52

I read it as them both being women although I was a bit thrown by the use of 'their' which I think led to confusion about whose bedroom Op was sleeping in.

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Yes. The OP was trying to keep it gender-neutral for whatever reason, but failed and just confused everyone. They're either same-sex or the OP is a man. Unless the she/her thing was a typo.

Hopefully OP will clarify when he/she/it wakes up in the afternoon.

dapsnotplimsolls · 04/09/2022 12:05

Rude for not saying goodnight to DP's Mum.

Not rude for going to bed at 3.

Why were you on your phone in a different room?

Bedroom confusion has been entertaining 😀

HikingforScenery · 04/09/2022 12:08

Of course you were rude to only address your DP.

KettrickenSmiled · 04/09/2022 12:14

So you agree the OP could have said a goodnight to all and not just to the DP (who you keep insisting is a male without any evidence)?
An assumption of male b/f, on a predominantly female forum, isn't an insistence.
It's immaterial who is which sex so I'm not sure why you are banging on about it.
You're making up the part about the mother not breaking off the conversation.
& you're making up that she did.
It seems likely that she didn't, as OP said they were talking all the time s/he said goodnight to her b/f / g/f.

The facts from the OP's posts are she/he was sitting on their phone, got up, said goodnight to DP, did not say goodnight to the mother, and went to bed. I still say not saying "goodnight" to your host is rude. I can't believe anyone thinks that isn't.
None of my friends have felt the need to issue individual goodnights since the time they were small pyjama'd children being ushered away to bed & going through the rite of kissing each adult goodnight.
A general goodnight all suffices. But you do you, @BadNomad.

I think it's disgracefully bad form to expect your guests to stay awake until given permission to sleep. In my house, hospitality means ensuring guests are comfortable, get to eat when they are hungry, sleep when they are tired ... & not have to make a command performance out of it.

KettrickenSmiled · 04/09/2022 12:15

Apologies, bold fail -
The facts from the OP's posts are she/he was sitting on their phone, got up, said goodnight to DP, did not say goodnight to the mother, and went to bed. I still say not saying "goodnight" to your host is rude. I can't believe anyone thinks that isn't.
This section is by BadNomad, not me.

KettrickenSmiled · 04/09/2022 12:16

Glitteratitar · 04/09/2022 11:48

Where on earth have you got all that from??

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OP's posts. @Glitteratitar

BadNomad · 04/09/2022 12:19

KettrickenSmiled · 04/09/2022 12:14

So you agree the OP could have said a goodnight to all and not just to the DP (who you keep insisting is a male without any evidence)?
An assumption of male b/f, on a predominantly female forum, isn't an insistence.
It's immaterial who is which sex so I'm not sure why you are banging on about it.
You're making up the part about the mother not breaking off the conversation.
& you're making up that she did.
It seems likely that she didn't, as OP said they were talking all the time s/he said goodnight to her b/f / g/f.

The facts from the OP's posts are she/he was sitting on their phone, got up, said goodnight to DP, did not say goodnight to the mother, and went to bed. I still say not saying "goodnight" to your host is rude. I can't believe anyone thinks that isn't.
None of my friends have felt the need to issue individual goodnights since the time they were small pyjama'd children being ushered away to bed & going through the rite of kissing each adult goodnight.
A general goodnight all suffices. But you do you, @BadNomad.

I think it's disgracefully bad form to expect your guests to stay awake until given permission to sleep. In my house, hospitality means ensuring guests are comfortable, get to eat when they are hungry, sleep when they are tired ... & not have to make a command performance out of it.

What is your point to me? You're saying a goodnight all would do. I'm saying a goodnight all would do. So I don't get what your problem is with what I'm saying? She didn't say goodnight all. She said goodnight DP only.

KettrickenSmiled · 04/09/2022 12:31

What is your point to me? You're saying a goodnight all would do. I'm saying a goodnight all would do. So I don't get what your problem is with what I'm saying? She didn't say goodnight all. She said goodnight DP only.

My point is I don't care, because the weirdness of being expected to stay up all night & the controlling expectation by the DP that they are the person who another human needs to request permission to sleep from, are such honking red flags that any small failure of etiquette fades into insignificance by comparison.

But by all means, continue to harp on about a minor point of manners, which any reasonable person would have shrugged off as just a late night, overtired lapse.

BadNomad · 04/09/2022 12:35

KettrickenSmiled · 04/09/2022 12:31

What is your point to me? You're saying a goodnight all would do. I'm saying a goodnight all would do. So I don't get what your problem is with what I'm saying? She didn't say goodnight all. She said goodnight DP only.

My point is I don't care, because the weirdness of being expected to stay up all night & the controlling expectation by the DP that they are the person who another human needs to request permission to sleep from, are such honking red flags that any small failure of etiquette fades into insignificance by comparison.

But by all means, continue to harp on about a minor point of manners, which any reasonable person would have shrugged off as just a late night, overtired lapse.

At no point anywhere did I say it was reasonable to expect the OP to stay up all night until others go to bed. Or that OP needs to ask permission. My only comment was that it is rude to not say goodnight to DP's mother - because this is one of the things DP addressed with her. You are the one who has been harping on at me about it. So kindly wind your neck in.

KettrickenSmiled · 04/09/2022 13:08

At no point anywhere did I say it was reasonable to expect the OP to stay up all night until others go to bed. Or that OP needs to ask permission. My only comment was that it is rude to not say goodnight to DP's mother - because this is one of the things DP addressed with her. You are the one who has been harping on at me about it. So kindly wind your neck in.

I'll place my neck exactly where I choose thanks, meanwhile you can continue your debate about irrelevant minutiae with any PP who are interested.

@Bluemonkey18 how are you today?
And what are your thoughts on the quality of your relationship now?
Looking back, has your partner been controlling, snippy & nitpicking in other ways too?

Original poster

Bluemonkey18 · 04/09/2022 13:22

Sorry just to clarify me and DP were sleeping in DP's bed. Sorry must have been the way I worded it.

OP posts:

SunnyD44 · 04/09/2022 13:31

OP why did you not say goodnight to your gfs mum?

Was it genuinely because you thought she would be annoyed that you went bed before her as you say?

Did you expect your gf to come up to bed with you when you went up?

pattihews · 04/09/2022 13:32

KettrickenSmiled · 04/09/2022 12:15

Apologies, bold fail -
The facts from the OP's posts are she/he was sitting on their phone, got up, said goodnight to DP, did not say goodnight to the mother, and went to bed. I still say not saying "goodnight" to your host is rude. I can't believe anyone thinks that isn't.
This section is by BadNomad, not me.

I agree with you. Not saying goodnight to the person/ people hosting you is bad manners — particularly when they're sitting right next to the person who you do bother to say goodnight to.

Original poster

Bluemonkey18 · 04/09/2022 13:36

HaveringWavering · 04/09/2022 08:36

Aargh this makes no sense.

Does your DP normally live with their parents or were you both visiting?

Whose bed did you go to- your DP's bed, or your DP's mother's bed?

Had you stayed there before?

Yes DP lives with parents

I always sleep in DP's bed

I stay at DP's house every other weekend

OP posts:

Original poster

Bluemonkey18 · 04/09/2022 13:44

ScarlettSunset · 04/09/2022 10:16

Right. Just want to make sure I am understanding this correctly as lots of people are asking things that make me think I'm not.

OP was visiting DP who lives with their parents.

OP had arranged to sleep in DPs room.

At 3am, DP and DPs mum were having a conversation that for whatever reason was not involving OP.

OP got tired (it was 3am!) And told DP they were off to bed. And said goodnight (possibly only to DP but could have been a general goodnight to anyone that was within earshot).

No one at all said goodnight to OP, but DP told OP that OP was rude for not staying up until everyone else went to bed.

DP also complained that OP was going to DPs room even though that was arranged.

Is that what happened? I'm now getting confused due to other replies.
If that IS what happened, OP should run very far from this ridiculous family!

Correct

OP posts:

pattihews · 04/09/2022 13:46

DixonD · 04/09/2022 11:17

Yes, but the use of “their” constantly is confusing and unnecessary. Until OP later referred to their partner as “she” or “her”, can’t remember which, I also thought OP slept in MIL’s bed!

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Yes, the combination of 'their' and DP (which can mean both Dear Partner or Dear Parents) is designed for maximum confusion.

KettrickenSmiled · 04/09/2022 13:46

1.Yes DP lives with parents

2. I always sleep in DP's bed

3. I stay at DP's house every other weekend

So how is their sitting up til the small hours a surprise to you - or was this a one-off?
How do you usually announce to them that you are going to bed?

LadyEloise1 · 04/09/2022 13:47

Bluemonkey18 · 04/09/2022 03:51

Apparently it's more rude bcos I've come up to their bed as they don't have a guest room.

This is the post that gave me the impression it was the partner's parents bed.
"their" bed.
Not his or her bed.
Iykwim.

I would have said goodnight to my partner and their parent. Rude not to.

Heyisforhorses · 04/09/2022 13:54

Why would you not say goodnight to her mam? That is rude, not going to bed, not staying in your partners bed but ignoring her mam, I'd be angry with that.

SunnyD44 · 04/09/2022 16:20

If you stay at your gfs house every other weekend what usually happens?

Is her mum usually in bed before you?

Calphurnia88 · 04/09/2022 17:55

LadyEloise1 · 04/09/2022 13:47

This is the post that gave me the impression it was the partner's parents bed.
"their" bed.
Not his or her bed.
Iykwim.

I would have said goodnight to my partner and their parent. Rude not to.

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Same re the bed confusion.

@Bluemonkey18 how old are you that you might be expected to stay in a seperate bedroom to your DP, who lives with their parents? Or am I barking up the wrong tree?

Original poster

Bluemonkey18 · 04/09/2022 19:47

Calphurnia88 · 04/09/2022 17:55

Same re the bed confusion.

@Bluemonkey18 how old are you that you might be expected to stay in a seperate bedroom to your DP, who lives with their parents? Or am I barking up the wrong tree?

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I usually sleep in DPs bed. Her mum generally finds it rude when I go off to DPs room whatever time of day or night, because she says it's like I'm treating it like my own room and it's not.

Also just to clarify, I'm a man and DP is a woman. I was being gender neutral to get a neutral response. Been together a few years now and I stay over every other weekend so it's not like it was the first time meeting her mum.

I usually don't say goodnight to DPs mum as I didnt think it was necessary and didn't know how to do it without being awkward. My family tend to not always say goodnight and just go where we please, and if I had a daughter who's partner was staying over I'd want them to feel welcome and not standing on ceremony. They also think it's rude when I leave the room to go upstairs (like in the middle of the afternoon, to go to her room to chill for example) without announcing where I'm going.

OP posts:

dapsnotplimsolls · 04/09/2022 19:49

You've been together a few years? Time to move in together.

Teand · 04/09/2022 20:06

I regularly stay awake until 3am, as does my mum and grandma and cousin... Think there must be a family trait there. Ridiculous amount of owls. Every time I visit my grandmother as are awake watching films or discussing stuff until the very early hours.

It's not rude to take yourself off to bed.... Does this only apply to guests? Does your DP get annoyed if you go to bed earlier than her normally? My DP regularly goes to bed earlier than me... My dad goes up before my mum... Perfectly normal.