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AIBU?

To think i'm not being rude to go to bed at 3am

252 replies

Bluemonkey18 · 04/09/2022 03:20

So I'm spending the weekend at my DP's house, we were all up late talking in the kitchen. DP was having a conversation with their DM at the table whilst I was on the sofa on my phone feeling pretty tired. I then got up and went to give DP a goodnight kiss and said I was going to bed. (At 3am)

DP comes to bed 10 minutes later saying that it was rude of me to just come to bed and said that their DM thought so too. DP said that I should be expected to stay up until whatever time they decide to go to bed, as it's 'rude to just take yourself off to bed'.

AIBU to think that I am not being rude and that actually to keep someone up until you're all ready for bed is in itself rude and strange behaviour?

OP posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

3721 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
2%
You are NOT being unreasonable
98%
LaDamaDeElche · 05/09/2022 19:01

I usually don't say goodnight to DPs mum as I didnt think it was necessary and didn't know how to do it without being awkward Just say "Night all, I'm off to bed!" I also think it's weird and awkward to have to name someone individually when saying goodnight. I just say a general goodnight to the room 🤷🏻‍♀️

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Frances658 · 05/09/2022 19:15

The family are unhinged! YANBU.

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mam0918 · 05/09/2022 19:16

I have the opposit issue I hate going to bed while people are still up even if I have to get up early etc... but my friends insist I should go up (knowing im suppose to be getting up early) and then I cant sleep either way.

I have never had someone say its rude, in my experiance it usually the home owner suggesting people go to bed or crash in a spare room if they look tired.

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Silvers11 · 05/09/2022 19:22

Ok - My initial thought was that you were not being unreasonable - until I read more clarification from you

I'm sure you didn't mean to be rude, but if I read it correctly your partner was talking to her Mother and you went in and only addressed your Partner when you said you were going to bed.

It doesn't matter that her DM was right beside her, you didn't address them both together. I would have thought that was incredibly rude if I had been your DP and her DM. At the end of the day you are a guest in your DP's parents house and they deserve some courtesy. All you had to do was to look at both of them and say something like 'I hope you don't mind, but I am really tired and I need to head for bed now. Goodnight both'.

So yes - you are being unreasonable and you WERE rude

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Ifeelsuchafool · 05/09/2022 19:58

Sorry, I do consider it rude to take yourself off to bed without saying goodnight to hosts and thanking them for the meal/day. However, it was inexcusably rude to keep a guest up so late. I would probably have said, "please excuse me, I'm not used to such late hours and can hardly keep my eyes open so am retiring to bed now. Thank you for a lovely meal/day/time, I've really enjoyed myself" and then, to DP only, "please don't feel you have to rush, darling" peck on cheek the up to bed. Job's a goodun.

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RitaFires · 05/09/2022 20:07

It's not rude to go to bed at 3am if you're tired but your partner's parents are probably a bit sick of you being over so often so even innocuous things you do are getting on their nerves.

In a similar situation I'd tell my partner that I was going to bed and then look at everyone else in the room while loudly saying Goodnight, completely ignoring other people around you is rude, particularly when you're reliant on their hospitality and your welcome is running thin.

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Fink · 05/09/2022 20:20

Now that we've finally got to the bottom of whose bed you were in etc., I stand by the original judgement that you are not at all rude to go to bed when you're tired, especially when it's very late, but that you are unreasonable not to say goodnight to all the others who are still up.

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BadNomad · 05/09/2022 20:28

I know you see it as staying with your gf, and you've been doing this for so long you feel comfortable coming and going when you want, but obviously her mum thinks you should be behaving like a guest, not like one of the family who treats the place like their own. I'm guessing the mum has said something to her daughter and that's why she's saying all this to you now. You really need to find somewhere else to spend weekends together.

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Ragwort · 05/09/2022 20:32

Why are you spending so much time at your GF's house? I have an adult DS and I wouldn't want him bringing a GF home every weekend ... where do you live the rest of the time? You both sound quite immature.

And for goodness sake, how difficult is it to say 'Goodnight'.

I would imagine your GF's mother is totally fed up of having you to stay so frequently and this was just a catalyst for her frustration at you taking her home for granted.

Grow up, rent your own place and go to bed when you like.

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Grrrrdarling · 05/09/2022 20:50

Bluemonkey18 · 04/09/2022 03:20

So I'm spending the weekend at my DP's house, we were all up late talking in the kitchen. DP was having a conversation with their DM at the table whilst I was on the sofa on my phone feeling pretty tired. I then got up and went to give DP a goodnight kiss and said I was going to bed. (At 3am)

DP comes to bed 10 minutes later saying that it was rude of me to just come to bed and said that their DM thought so too. DP said that I should be expected to stay up until whatever time they decide to go to bed, as it's 'rude to just take yourself off to bed'.

AIBU to think that I am not being rude and that actually to keep someone up until you're all ready for bed is in itself rude and strange behaviour?

If DP is not your husband rethink the relationship!
I’ve honestly never heard such utter tosh & to be honest his family is really, really rude & being very unreasonable for even suggesting you were rude for needing to bed!
I’ve stayed over at many friends & family’s homes & never has it been unusual for someone to go to bed before the hosts.
I was younger then so I was usually the last to head up to bed but I’d also do a quick tidy up to so they came down in the morning to dishwasher loaded & done/ washing up done or dinner table all cleared & reset for breakfast to say thank you for their having me to stay.

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Grrrrdarling · 05/09/2022 20:58

Bluemonkey18 · 04/09/2022 19:47

I usually sleep in DPs bed. Her mum generally finds it rude when I go off to DPs room whatever time of day or night, because she says it's like I'm treating it like my own room and it's not.

Also just to clarify, I'm a man and DP is a woman. I was being gender neutral to get a neutral response. Been together a few years now and I stay over every other weekend so it's not like it was the first time meeting her mum.

I usually don't say goodnight to DPs mum as I didnt think it was necessary and didn't know how to do it without being awkward. My family tend to not always say goodnight and just go where we please, and if I had a daughter who's partner was staying over I'd want them to feel welcome and not standing on ceremony. They also think it's rude when I leave the room to go upstairs (like in the middle of the afternoon, to go to her room to chill for example) without announcing where I'm going.

How old are you & DP because this relationship sounds like
something out of a teenage novel 😂
DP is your partner so her room is your room when you stay over the same as your home is her home when she stays with you, I assume.
Honestly either get a place of your own together or leave the relationship because they are literally gaslighting you & insane! In fact as they are gaslighting you & insane leave the relationship now! Look up gaslighting, emotional & controlling abuse & see how many boxes your relationship me actually tick!!!!
I find not saying, ‘I’m tired so if it is ok with everyone I’m going to head up’ then saying ‘goodnight all’ a bit weird.
When I go to bed I say goodnight to my cats 😂so I am totally saying goodnight to any people still downstairs.

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angelfacecuti75 · 05/09/2022 21:00

You were tired. You have every right to be a human being and not just your partners wife. Next time just say a cheery "goodnight all, I can't stay awake any longer as my eyes are closing , sorry.".

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GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 05/09/2022 21:29

Christ, Run, run, RUN!!!

Totally unreasonable from both of them. Why should you have to stay up until 3am just because they are on the piss?

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oosha · 05/09/2022 21:57

What the hell is their problem, if you want to go to bed then it’s your choice, you are an adult and free to make your own choices. Controlling behaviour or what?!?! Fcks to that! Either you are welcome to stay or you aren’t, why wouldn’t you treat your partner’s bed as your own if you have been invited to stay. And quite frankly who wants to sit there until 3am while her mother talks sht anyway. Stand your ground!

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gatehouseoffleet · 05/09/2022 22:03

DutchessOfMuck · 04/09/2022 03:27

Is your DM the Queen?

Even if she were, I'd still be going to bed! My body dictates when I go to sleep, not night owl relatives. We can't express an opinion about whether you said a polite enough goodnight to MIL as we were not there, but I go to bed when I want to (within reason, ie not before 10pm but I think 3am is perfectly fine!)

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whynotwhatknot · 05/09/2022 22:28

the 3am thing is riduclous ive reguarly stayed at in laws and go to bed before them

i usually just say im off to bed now night all generaly to the room

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Nanny0gg · 05/09/2022 22:32

Bluemonkey18 · 04/09/2022 19:47

I usually sleep in DPs bed. Her mum generally finds it rude when I go off to DPs room whatever time of day or night, because she says it's like I'm treating it like my own room and it's not.

Also just to clarify, I'm a man and DP is a woman. I was being gender neutral to get a neutral response. Been together a few years now and I stay over every other weekend so it's not like it was the first time meeting her mum.

I usually don't say goodnight to DPs mum as I didnt think it was necessary and didn't know how to do it without being awkward. My family tend to not always say goodnight and just go where we please, and if I had a daughter who's partner was staying over I'd want them to feel welcome and not standing on ceremony. They also think it's rude when I leave the room to go upstairs (like in the middle of the afternoon, to go to her room to chill for example) without announcing where I'm going.

Yes, it would be perfectly normal to say 'I'm just going upstairs for a minute' or whatever.

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Readaboutyourself · 05/09/2022 23:26

But most importantly did you say ‘right!’ and clap your hands on your knees before getting up.

Also, did you post about not getting pizza at 3am a while ago?

Finally… I would find it rude if you just said goodnight to one person in the room. It’s quite odd.

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Pompomaker · 05/09/2022 23:34

Bluemonkey18 · 05/09/2022 12:31

I know... I feel stupid now for feeling awkward about it

Don’t.. I get it as an introvert 😂 but also it is silly

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JustAnotherManicMomday · 05/09/2022 23:55

They leave you on the sofa in their home say they can chat in the kitchen(rude) at 3am yet call you rude for making the effort to say goodnight.(polite). I would point out you couldn't exactly quietly ask how much longer they were going to ignore you for.

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TyrionsBitOnTheSide · 06/09/2022 07:06

I’d have been asleep at the table at 3am

yanbu

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Skodacool · 06/09/2022 07:57

It’s very rude of them to make you feel uncomfortable

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Skodacool · 06/09/2022 08:07

Bluemonkey18 · 05/09/2022 12:30

DPs mum rarely cooks tbh, it's mostly me cooking and washing up afterwards. I also bring my own food and if MIL was fed up of me being there wouldn't she want me to go to DPs room and be out of the way.

We are both 25/26 and yes we do want to get our own place very soon.

I think they are the ones taking the piss

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kennycat · 06/09/2022 14:26

It struck me a quite crackers that the whole lot of you were still up at 3am! I’d have been flagging long before this.

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AryaStarkWolf · 06/09/2022 14:33

Skodacool · 06/09/2022 08:07

I think they are the ones taking the piss

"taking the piss" It's her house, she quite clearly is fed up of this guy staying in her house so often and doesn't want to cook for him!

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