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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think i'm not being rude to go to bed at 3am

252 replies

Bluemonkey18 · 04/09/2022 03:20

So I'm spending the weekend at my DP's house, we were all up late talking in the kitchen. DP was having a conversation with their DM at the table whilst I was on the sofa on my phone feeling pretty tired. I then got up and went to give DP a goodnight kiss and said I was going to bed. (At 3am)

DP comes to bed 10 minutes later saying that it was rude of me to just come to bed and said that their DM thought so too. DP said that I should be expected to stay up until whatever time they decide to go to bed, as it's 'rude to just take yourself off to bed'.

AIBU to think that I am not being rude and that actually to keep someone up until you're all ready for bed is in itself rude and strange behaviour?

OP posts:
GoneWithTheWine1 · 04/09/2022 10:55

I'd be gone soon as the sunrise came and delete his number.

Wtf is wrong with them. Hardly rude to go to bed at 3am!

AuntTwacky · 04/09/2022 11:09

YANBU

Nagado · 04/09/2022 11:09

OP, just to warn you, I’ve just been reading about this on the news section on my phone. Some lazy ‘journalist’ has spotted it and nabbed it.

Yerroblemom1923 · 04/09/2022 11:11

Possibly a bit rude to not say goodnight to the MIL and then jump in her bed..... did she know you were going to sleep in her bed?

pattihews · 04/09/2022 11:14

So you spent the evening on the sofa with your phone while your DP and parents talked. I'd consider that pretty rude. You're there for a night or two. Put the phone down and engage with people. Get to know them and let them get to know you.

Then you get up, announce you're going to bed — in the bed that her parents have vacated in order that you, their rude guest who spent the evening on the phone, can be comfortable — and you ignore them and address yourself only to your DP. That's awful. It's awful that you two took the bed in the first place. If there's only one bed then you and DP, who are younger, should sleep on an airbed or the sofa.

I'm glad your DP picked you up on it. If you want a relationship with her you need to put in a little effort with her parents. And learn some basic manners. When an older woman's given her bed over to you, you acknowledge her existence and thank her for it.

KettrickenSmiled · 04/09/2022 11:14

You're asking the wrong question OP.
You don't need to ask if it's rude to say goodnight & go to bed at 3am. You know damn well it isn't.

The question you need to be asking is:
"why am I with a man who thinks it's his job to tick me off as if I was a small & errant child?"
Clearly he & his mother are cut from the same cloth, tutting over your "rudeness" & being completely oblivious to their own.

Also - is your b/f 9 years old?
DP comes to bed 10 minutes later saying that it was rude of me to just come to bed and said that their DM thought so too.
So he & his mother sat up bitching about their odd ideas of what constitutes hospitality & good manners ... then, bolstered by mummy, he crows "& my mum says so too, so ner!" at you, like he belongs in a playground.

Not very alluring, is it?
I think you should disengage from this pair of twerps pronto.

Fififelix · 04/09/2022 11:15

YABU if I'm tired I go to bed especially at 3 am. Is it fuck rude they are rude for expecting people to stay up all night..

DixonD · 04/09/2022 11:17

SavingsThreads · 04/09/2022 07:45

Where are people getting this from?! The OP clearly slept in their partner's bed, they used 'their' as a gender neutral reference.

Show quote history

Yes, but the use of “their” constantly is confusing and unnecessary. Until OP later referred to their partner as “she” or “her”, can’t remember which, I also thought OP slept in MIL’s bed!

KettrickenSmiled · 04/09/2022 11:18

WrongWayApricot · 04/09/2022 10:09

I'm guessing they were drinking and were more honest than they would normally be. I imagine you going to bed made them realise how late it was and killed their buzz and so decide to blame you. Of course yanbu, but yes you should say goodnight to everybody not just one person.

And I guess it's more British politeness to dither about it rather than just say you're going to bed. You were probably expected to say you feel tired and then everyone can say oh no, then you can say maybe I'll head off to bed, then everyone can agree that's best. Like with leaving after a social gathering takes a fucking age from saying I'm going to head off now to actually getting out of the door. Sometimes I wish I could just stand up and walk out the door and everyone just knew I loved them, was grateful, didn't want a lift or a cup of tea or leftovers to take home, I'll be safe, I'll take care and yes I will let you know when I'm back, yes we should do it again soon, yes picnic sounds good, yes good luck with those results, yes do let me know how it goes, again I love you, again take care, again I'll be fine, yes, yes, love you, yes, bye, bye, byeeee. And that's if someone else doesn't find out your leaving and joins in. 🙄

😂😂😂
@WrongWayApricot - you need to perfect The Irish Goodbye -
www.irelandbeforeyoudie.com/an-irish-goodbye-everything-you-didnt-know-and-what-you-need-to-know/

TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination · 04/09/2022 11:20

Bluemonkey18 · 04/09/2022 03:51

Apparently it's more rude bcos I've come up to their bed as they don't have a guest room.

Well, they might have a point if FIL was already in it?!

😂😂seriously though, (sleeping arrangements aside) you 'DP' & his mother (IF she thought so & it's not just 'DP' backing his lunacy up) are cracked & if this is what he's like, do yourself a massive favour & make him ex DP, no one needs excessive weirdness in their life, it's far too exhausting!!

also, if 'hosts' genuinely feel it's rude for guests to go to bed first, then they should go at a decent hour !!

KettrickenSmiled · 04/09/2022 11:21

BadNomad · 04/09/2022 10:35

Too tired to say goodnight to people, but still awake enough to be posting about it on MN over an hour later.

It doesn't occur to you that being summarily ticked off by your b/f for going to bed at 3am might be a little upsetting & sleep-preventing @BadNomad ?

ScarlettSunset · 04/09/2022 11:23

KettrickenSmiled · 04/09/2022 11:21

It doesn't occur to you that being summarily ticked off by your b/f for going to bed at 3am might be a little upsetting & sleep-preventing @BadNomad ?

Show quote history

It'd definitely stop me sleeping!
In fact it would be likely to have me packing and leaving, calling for a taxi if need be!

BadNomad · 04/09/2022 11:25

KettrickenSmiled · 04/09/2022 11:21

It doesn't occur to you that being summarily ticked off by your b/f for going to bed at 3am might be a little upsetting & sleep-preventing @BadNomad ?

Show quote history

What boyfriend?

And no.

BadNomad · 04/09/2022 11:31

KettrickenSmiled · 04/09/2022 11:21

It doesn't occur to you that being summarily ticked off by your b/f for going to bed at 3am might be a little upsetting & sleep-preventing @BadNomad ?

Show quote history

And do you really think it's possible to be so tired you can only say goodnight to one person? Really? Even when the other person is right beside them.

OliveOyl321 · 04/09/2022 11:34

christmas2022 · 04/09/2022 04:38

I have to agree that it seems a bit ignorant not to address the mother and I can see where they are coming from there.

The points about you staying up all night is plain weird.

So you're staying in the same room as your partner and the mother has another room?

This ^
why would you not say goodnight to SP’s mum? Even if she was speaking, it’s poor manners to ignore her.
Otherwise YANBU to go to bed when you’re tired

ilikemethewayiam · 04/09/2022 11:35

Jeeez, this is one thing I absolutely would not compromise on. I need my sleep! Once it’s gone passed my bedtime, I’m done. I would not stay up to be polite. When I’m at my in-laws and tiredness overcomes me I simply announce I’m shattered and off to bed! I politely say goodnight to everyone. They don’t have a problem with it at all. I would have a serious problem with anyone who feels they can dictate what time I ‘should’ go to bed! I would explain to DP that going forward you will be going to bed when you need to and if that’s a problem then you won’t be going.

KettrickenSmiled · 04/09/2022 11:38

And do you really think it's possible to be so tired you can only say goodnight to one person? Really? Even when the other person is right beside them.

I'm not a Miss Manners type, so I don't issue individual "goodnights" to every person in the room either. I say good night all, & assume everyone's ears are working.

OP could not say goodnight to the mother because the mother did not - or would not - break off her conversation for OP to get a word in edgewise. The mother heard OP saying goodnight to her own so all right - she was sitting right by him.

Yerroblemom1923 · 04/09/2022 11:40

The sitting in another room alone on your phone all night is rude tbh! Surely yoe supposed to engaged with your in laws (even if you don't like them).

damnyourdogs · 04/09/2022 11:42

I had this bollocks on the one (and after this, the only) weekend away I stupidly had with the parents in law (been dating a year at this point).

We'd been out for a meal with the extended family, hadn't got back to where we were staying until midnight....we'd been travelling since 6am that morning, so I was exhausted...I was also not feeling well, had actually wanted to not go on the trip but my partner said that wouldn't go down to well. I went to bed. The rest of the family decide to stay up all night, drinking...my partner didn't get to bed until 9am. He was basically unconscious the whole day. Cue a very boring day for me waiting for him to wake up...I'd also refused to go on the day out with the rest of the family, as the person driving was most certainly still over the legal limit...

Long story short, I ended up in hospital 3 days after we got back, with double pneumonia. Partner still got bollocked by his parents (and we were in our early 40s at the time) because I hadn't stayed up drinking all night...

I'd stop staying there.

SiblingDespair · 04/09/2022 11:44

Rude to sit away from them on your phone.

rude not to say goodnight to both.

not rude to go to bed at 3am! Or earlier than that.

id have said “you must excuse me, I’m shattered so need to go up now. Thanks for a lovely day/evening/meal (whatever is appropriate). Goodnight” which would only take seconds to say.

Glitteratitar · 04/09/2022 11:45

KettrickenSmiled · 04/09/2022 11:14

You're asking the wrong question OP.
You don't need to ask if it's rude to say goodnight & go to bed at 3am. You know damn well it isn't.

The question you need to be asking is:
"why am I with a man who thinks it's his job to tick me off as if I was a small & errant child?"
Clearly he & his mother are cut from the same cloth, tutting over your "rudeness" & being completely oblivious to their own.

Also - is your b/f 9 years old?
DP comes to bed 10 minutes later saying that it was rude of me to just come to bed and said that their DM thought so too.
So he & his mother sat up bitching about their odd ideas of what constitutes hospitality & good manners ... then, bolstered by mummy, he crows "& my mum says so too, so ner!" at you, like he belongs in a playground.

Not very alluring, is it?
I think you should disengage from this pair of twerps pronto.

You mean why is OP with a woman who thinks it's her job to tick OP off as if OP was a small & errant child.

Quite frankly, I would find it rude too if my husband flounced off to bed and said goodnight only to me.

BadNomad · 04/09/2022 11:47

KettrickenSmiled · 04/09/2022 11:38

And do you really think it's possible to be so tired you can only say goodnight to one person? Really? Even when the other person is right beside them.

I'm not a Miss Manners type, so I don't issue individual "goodnights" to every person in the room either. I say good night all, & assume everyone's ears are working.

OP could not say goodnight to the mother because the mother did not - or would not - break off her conversation for OP to get a word in edgewise. The mother heard OP saying goodnight to her own so all right - she was sitting right by him.

So you agree the OP could have said a goodnight to all and not just to the DP (who you keep insisting is a male without any evidence)? You're making up the part about the mother not breaking off the conversation. The facts from the OP's posts are she/he was sitting on their phone, got up, said goodnight to DP, did not say goodnight to the mother, and went to bed. I still say not saying "goodnight" to your host is rude. I can't believe anyone thinks that isn't.

Glitteratitar · 04/09/2022 11:48

KettrickenSmiled · 04/09/2022 11:38

And do you really think it's possible to be so tired you can only say goodnight to one person? Really? Even when the other person is right beside them.

I'm not a Miss Manners type, so I don't issue individual "goodnights" to every person in the room either. I say good night all, & assume everyone's ears are working.

OP could not say goodnight to the mother because the mother did not - or would not - break off her conversation for OP to get a word in edgewise. The mother heard OP saying goodnight to her own so all right - she was sitting right by him.

Where on earth have you got all that from??

BadNomad · 04/09/2022 11:51

It's just funny how people are assuming the DP is a man and telling off his girlfriend for having bad manners, despite the OP referring to DP as she/her. Will be funnier is the OP is actually a man.

Headabovetheparakeet · 04/09/2022 11:52

BadNomad · 04/09/2022 11:51

It's just funny how people are assuming the DP is a man and telling off his girlfriend for having bad manners, despite the OP referring to DP as she/her. Will be funnier is the OP is actually a man.

I read it as them both being women although I was a bit thrown by the use of 'their' which I think led to confusion about whose bedroom Op was sleeping in.