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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think i'm not being rude to go to bed at 3am

252 replies

Bluemonkey18 · 04/09/2022 03:20

So I'm spending the weekend at my DP's house, we were all up late talking in the kitchen. DP was having a conversation with their DM at the table whilst I was on the sofa on my phone feeling pretty tired. I then got up and went to give DP a goodnight kiss and said I was going to bed. (At 3am)

DP comes to bed 10 minutes later saying that it was rude of me to just come to bed and said that their DM thought so too. DP said that I should be expected to stay up until whatever time they decide to go to bed, as it's 'rude to just take yourself off to bed'.

AIBU to think that I am not being rude and that actually to keep someone up until you're all ready for bed is in itself rude and strange behaviour?

OP posts:
SurfBox · 04/09/2022 09:29

I have to agree that it seems a bit ignorant not to address the mother and I can see where they are coming from there

This, it was bad form that you didn't say goodnight to her but other than that it was fine to go to bed at 3AM.

My mum's sister and husband were staying a few night this week from abroad, my dad would often go to bed when the 4 of them sat chatting at night.

HoppingPavlova · 04/09/2022 09:37

No, it’s not rude to go to bed at 3am. Yes, it’s very rude not saying goodnight to DHs mum who was sitting beside him.

WagnersFourthSymphony · 04/09/2022 09:38

YABU for being on your phone and not saying goodnight to MIL but otherwise it's completely mad to expect anyone to stay up that late.

Calphurnia88 · 04/09/2022 09:40

I'm slightly confused.

I think DPs family are being VU for expecting you to stay up into the wee hours just because they are. You're a grown adult, and it's not as though you were taking yourself off to bed at 8pm. It was 3 o'clock in the morning FFS.

HOWEVER I don't follow the bit around who you did/didn't say goodnight to. Why didn't you say goodnight to DP and his DM if they were both in the room? I also don't follow where you were sleeping. Unless I'm misreading, you make it sound as though you slept in someone else's bed?

StoppinBy · 04/09/2022 09:45

It's not rude to go up to bed but it is rude to not address your partner's parents and say goodnight when you go up.

WrongWayApricot · 04/09/2022 10:09

I'm guessing they were drinking and were more honest than they would normally be. I imagine you going to bed made them realise how late it was and killed their buzz and so decide to blame you. Of course yanbu, but yes you should say goodnight to everybody not just one person.

And I guess it's more British politeness to dither about it rather than just say you're going to bed. You were probably expected to say you feel tired and then everyone can say oh no, then you can say maybe I'll head off to bed, then everyone can agree that's best. Like with leaving after a social gathering takes a fucking age from saying I'm going to head off now to actually getting out of the door. Sometimes I wish I could just stand up and walk out the door and everyone just knew I loved them, was grateful, didn't want a lift or a cup of tea or leftovers to take home, I'll be safe, I'll take care and yes I will let you know when I'm back, yes we should do it again soon, yes picnic sounds good, yes good luck with those results, yes do let me know how it goes, again I love you, again take care, again I'll be fine, yes, yes, love you, yes, bye, bye, byeeee. And that's if someone else doesn't find out your leaving and joins in. 🙄

UserError012345 · 04/09/2022 10:11

I go to bed @ 9pm.

BettyOBarley · 04/09/2022 10:14

StoppinBy · 04/09/2022 09:45

It's not rude to go up to bed but it is rude to not address your partner's parents and say goodnight when you go up.

This

ScarlettSunset · 04/09/2022 10:16

Right. Just want to make sure I am understanding this correctly as lots of people are asking things that make me think I'm not.

OP was visiting DP who lives with their parents.

OP had arranged to sleep in DPs room.

At 3am, DP and DPs mum were having a conversation that for whatever reason was not involving OP.

OP got tired (it was 3am!) And told DP they were off to bed. And said goodnight (possibly only to DP but could have been a general goodnight to anyone that was within earshot).

No one at all said goodnight to OP, but DP told OP that OP was rude for not staying up until everyone else went to bed.

DP also complained that OP was going to DPs room even though that was arranged.

Is that what happened? I'm now getting confused due to other replies.
If that IS what happened, OP should run very far from this ridiculous family!

SunnyD44 · 04/09/2022 10:20

I think you have misunderstood your DP.
The rudeness was interrupting her and MIL mid conversation and only saying goodnight to one of them. THAT is fucking rude, no matter at what time.

Exactly!

They were having a conversation so you went over and kissed your DP and completely blanked their DM - of course that is rude!

Alondra · 04/09/2022 10:23

Bluemonkey18 · 04/09/2022 04:36

They usually go to bed fairly early.

Apparently it partly matters that I didn't say night to DP's mum but mainly it's that they think it's rude to take yourself off to bed when you're tired. And that they wouldn't do it in my house and would stay up all night if needed.

Saying good night to your hosts or husband when you went to bed is polite and you should have done it.

What confuses me is that people that usually retire would think it's rude you leaving at 3.00am. They should have been praying for you to go to bed!

SunnyD44 · 04/09/2022 10:24

OP got tired (it was 3am!) And told DP they were off to bed. And said goodnight (possibly only to DP but could have been a general goodnight to anyone that was within earshot).

OP said he didn’t say goodnight to DPs mum which is partly why she’s annoyed.

I think this is why the DP and DM are annoyed as that was obviously rude.

I don’t think they care that he went to bed earlier than them.

Alondra · 04/09/2022 10:24

retire early

Wheresthebeach · 04/09/2022 10:26

They sound bonkers! They don't get to demand that you stay up all night.

Sounds like Mum rules the roost - any conversation that is 'my Mum thinks so too' would make me very wary.

If you didn't do a general 'night all' then I can see that as being rude...but at 3am I think its absurd to kick off about that.

InFiveMins · 04/09/2022 10:28

It wasn't rude to take yourself off to bed at all, but it was rude not to have said goodnight to your DP's mum. It would have taken you less than a minute to say you're off to bed because you're tired and goodnight...

iwishiwasafish · 04/09/2022 10:31

I’ve not read the full thread, but are you sure the issue was with you going to bed, or was it more with how you went to bed? Possible you were rude without realising if you were very tired.

BadNomad · 04/09/2022 10:35

Too tired to say goodnight to people, but still awake enough to be posting about it on MN over an hour later.

Hawkins001 · 04/09/2022 10:37

These days after 12 I start falling asleep 😴, unless I'm active then around 2am but after that it's 😴

Inertia · 04/09/2022 10:37

Of course it’s not unreasonable to excuse yourself, say goodnight and go to bed at 3am.

The unreasonable bit for me is that your partner and partner’s mother share a bed, and you were also sharing their bed. Sounds awfully over- familiar. Could you not have slept on a sofa?

Alondra · 04/09/2022 10:40

I'm a Spaniard, I used to go to bed late, 12 to 1am daily when I was younger and only needing 6-7 hours of good sleep. As I got older, I'm getting to bed earlier and earlier, and if friends or family staying with me want to push it past 12am, I make my excuses and leave them to it. In your situation, I would be way past caring if my DIL didn't say good night. I'd be snoring on the sofa if I wasn't in bed by then already.

I think the problem is your DH, he's the one that said you were rude and backed it up by saying his mother said the same. Unless you talk to her, you won't know if what he said is true.

Hurrrrrah · 04/09/2022 10:46

All just sounds weird, why are you sleeping in your boyfriends parents bed anyway, that's just odd and do they sit up all night to test guests? See how long you'll stay up for? I wouldn't marry into this weird family.

Kennykenkencat · 04/09/2022 10:49

Were you meant to sleep on the sofa and mother and partner meant to be in the bed?

SunnyD44 · 04/09/2022 10:49

Too tired to say goodnight to people, but still awake enough to be posting about it on MN over an hour later.

Exactly!

And he said that his DP and her mum usually go to bed early so there’s obviously a lot he’s leaving out.

I wonder if he was the one who wanted to stay up late and then his DP and DM started having a conversation that didn’t revolve around him so mid conversation he kissed DP and said he was going to bed and blatantly ignored her mum.

Then he was up on his phone because he was annoyed that his gf didn’t follow him up.

Apl · 04/09/2022 10:50

They’re all mad.

Who does your DO think he is telling you off for not staying up until whenever he allows you to sleep? What a controlling ass.

Know what’s a lot more rude than going to bed at 3am? Keeping guests up wil 3am. Criticising someone for needing to sleep. Bitching about DIL with DS.

What an unpleasant family you’ve married into ☹️

MolkosTeenageAngst · 04/09/2022 10:53

It wasn’t rude to take yourself off to bed, but it was rude not to say good night to MIL. If she’s hosting you really should have thanked her for the evening, said goodnight and see you in the morning etc. That’s just basic manners.

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