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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think this is verging on harassment?

169 replies

pumpvanderrules · 03/09/2022 22:10

My daughter met this fella online, they had a few dates, however, my daughter decided she wasn't interested in him that way. She told him via text that she didn't have the time to date etc and he took it fine.

However, since then he has proceeded to message her. At first she would respond being polite very much 'how are you' type messages. She began to find the daily messages overwhelming and stopped responding however he continues to message her with very little back.

I've asked her why she doesn't block him but she said she is worried of seeing him around and him asking her and her seeming rude.

AIBU to think this is verging on harassment?

To think this is verging on harassment?
To think this is verging on harassment?
To think this is verging on harassment?
OP posts:
Original poster
pumpvanderrules · 03/09/2022 22:11

4th screenshot

To think this is verging on harassment?
OP posts:
PrinceOfPegging · 03/09/2022 22:11

He asked ‘do you want me to stop’ and she didn’t reply?

just tell him to stop FFS

mycatisannoying · 03/09/2022 22:13

PrinceOfPegging · 03/09/2022 22:11

He asked ‘do you want me to stop’ and she didn’t reply?

just tell him to stop FFS

Well, the absence of a reply should tell him something Confused

Ponoka7 · 03/09/2022 22:14

Asserting your boundaries isn't rude, you should have taught your daughter that. Many women are put in dangerous and uncomfortable situations because they haven't been taught that they don't have to be nice, especially to sexual predators. She needs to block him and you need to work with her so if she does see him, she has the confidence to tell him that she isn't interested.

mycatisannoying · 03/09/2022 22:14

But I do agree that with guys like this, you need the subtlety of a sledgehammer!

SpinningFloppa · 03/09/2022 22:15

Gosh just block him who cares if she “looks rude”

SpinningFloppa · 03/09/2022 22:16

And yes not responding isn’t good as guys like this need it clearly spelt out to them and ignoring will be taken as continue to message

Sunnyqueen · 03/09/2022 22:16

No it's not harassment. I mean he asked her if he should not message her and she replied apologising saying she'd just been a bit quiet. Which is basically just giving him the go ahead to message her again. She needs to either tell him she doesn't want to chat with him anymore or block him.

Ponoka7 · 03/09/2022 22:16

Please ask her why she's apologising and putting kisses. If you want someone to stop doing something you tell them. Yes in an ideal world men would know what enthusiastic consent is, but many don't. If she is OLD she really needs to get more savvy.

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 03/09/2022 22:16

“Am I annoying? Do you want me to stop?” Or similar.

Yes. Yes. On yer way.

StolenWillowTree · 03/09/2022 22:19

No, it's not harassment.

Of course, there's no telling how he might respond if she'd said "yes, please stop messaging." But a lot of young men - a lot of people, period - aren't great at picking up social cues.

He explicitly asks three times if she wants him to continue to message her, is clearly worried that his messaging will come across as pestering, and seems to be asking permission to continue to message her. He even says "this is the last time I'll ask" implying he would stop messaging if he had no reply.

And her response is to reply right away, and to apologise (putting all the blame on herself), and to give every sign of encouraging him and wanting him to continue messaging her.

I'm sorry but your daughter needs to use her words. Or at the very least, stop texting him back if she doesn't want him messaging her.

JulesCobb · 03/09/2022 22:19

Again, he gave her an opening to say she wasn't interested in his messages. Why not take it? She shpuld tell him firmly she isnt interested in perusing a relationship with him.

was she raised to be kind? So damaging for girls to be told that.

stillvicarinatutu · 03/09/2022 22:19

It's not harassment if she is replying, not told him to stop contact or blocked him . For harassment the law has to prove that co tact is unwanted- the fact she is pussyfooting and not saying it plus answering means you'd never ever prove harassment. If she doesn't want contact she needs to tell him and block .
If after that he continues to contact her (providing she doesn't reply ) it could constitute harassment but at this stage - no . She's needs to be clear with him .

MaryHoldTheCandleSteadyWhileIShaveTheChickensLeg · 03/09/2022 22:20

Oh ffs what a drama from both of you.

She needs to block him and you need to not get nearly so involved in other people's relationships.

MushMonster · 03/09/2022 22:20

Heknows, but he is trying.
Now your DD needs to be direct and say Yes, you are annoying me, I want you to stop contacting me.
It is not harrassment, because she has not said she wants this to stop.
Why are we women concerned about being rude, being seen as rude or whatever? We should not be.
It is simple, sorry, I will not date you again. There is no spark from my side. I wish you the best.
That is all that takes.
We do not need to be their friends, be in contact with them, be kind to them, be nice... just be honest.

KyaClark · 03/09/2022 22:20

Her responding even once won't have helped. It's giving him a glimmer of hope that he's still in with a chance.

Please tell her to be straight with him or block him.

Apl · 03/09/2022 22:23

Ponoka7 · 03/09/2022 22:14

Asserting your boundaries isn't rude, you should have taught your daughter that. Many women are put in dangerous and uncomfortable situations because they haven't been taught that they don't have to be nice, especially to sexual predators. She needs to block him and you need to work with her so if she does see him, she has the confidence to tell him that she isn't interested.

This. He’s obviously a weirdo but the whole situation has been made much more stressful by her failure to do something simple as “sorry I don’t see this going anywhere and I’m really busy so I think it’s best we don’t stay in touch.”

Or just block. But sending occasional replies encourages someone like that.

AssignedSlytherinAtBirth · 03/09/2022 22:25

He sounds a bit needy and unsure of himself. He asked her if he was annoying her and she sends a non- commital message with a kiss. It's time for her to tell him she doesn't see a future in a relationship with him, wish him well, and not answer any more of his texts. Then if she does bump into him she can have a quick chat or just say hello, as you would with any acquaintance.

Swimmingpoolsally · 03/09/2022 22:26

I think she needs to accept telepathy isn’t s thing and if she wants him to stop messaging to tell him, not respond like it’s a ok.

Longdistance · 03/09/2022 22:28

She needs to tell him to stop so he gets the message. If she doesn’t she’s keeping him hanging and he’ll keep messaging.

PurplePansy05 · 03/09/2022 22:35

He is needy. There are many men like him in the world of online dating. Your daughter needs to say no, I don't think this is going anywhere, wish you the best, bye. Move on. If he keeps at it, block. Done.

I'm more uncomfortable with the fact you are disclosing your daughter's and his private conversation on an online forum, there are elements included in it which I won't point out, that are potentially identifiable.

Fuckitydoodah · 03/09/2022 22:40

She doesn't need to explain herself to him. Best to block in this situation. I get the feeling he will carry on messaging regardless if she doesn't.

Hopeandlove · 03/09/2022 22:43

She just needs to block him

he is bombarding her.

if he then tries to contact her by another method she needs to say ‘I am blocking and deleting you. No more contact going forward needed’.

SunnyD44 · 03/09/2022 22:48

No he’s not harassing her.
He likes her and is showing that he is interested.

He seems like he’s trying to be respectful but isn’t getting the hint that she doesn’t want to talk to him.

If she doesn’t like the constant messages then she either needs to say something about the amount of messages, tell him outright she has a boyfriend or doesn’t want him messaging her or she needs to block him.

Having boundaries doesn’t mean being rude.

mommatoone · 03/09/2022 22:48

Well i think your daughter should be more assertive ! Her feelings come before anyone else !