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Original poster

To think this is verging on harassment?

169 replies

pumpvanderrules · 03/09/2022 22:10

My daughter met this fella online, they had a few dates, however, my daughter decided she wasn't interested in him that way. She told him via text that she didn't have the time to date etc and he took it fine.

However, since then he has proceeded to message her. At first she would respond being polite very much 'how are you' type messages. She began to find the daily messages overwhelming and stopped responding however he continues to message her with very little back.

I've asked her why she doesn't block him but she said she is worried of seeing him around and him asking her and her seeming rude.

AIBU to think this is verging on harassment?

To think this is verging on harassment?
To think this is verging on harassment?
To think this is verging on harassment?
OP posts:
Toohardtofindaproperusername · 03/09/2022 22:49

she replied to him and said 'sorry i've been quiet. hope you are ok. and kisses'. If she wants to encourage him, this is encouraging it.
how old is your duaghter. she needs assertivenes training. She needs to block the number so she doesnt see the messages to start with, or say to him please don't contact me again, i don't want any further contact. and then contact the police if he consistently sends messages. If she replies to him, she is not being harrassed, she is engaging in some kind of friendly exchange. This is beyond ridiculous.

mummywoken · 03/09/2022 22:51

she shouldnt reply tbh

mummywoken · 03/09/2022 22:51

exactly.

SunnyD44 · 03/09/2022 22:52

He also messaged saying it’s the last time he’ll text else he’ll leave her alone and then she replied - so she’s saying it’s ok to carry on messaging her and she doesn’t want him to stop and now you’re saying it’s harassment??

hugefanofcheese · 03/09/2022 23:04

No she isn't being harassed at all. He has asked 'would you like me to leave you alone?' and she has replied continuing the conversation.

I get that he isn't taking any hints and that is a pain but he's given her the opportunity to end the chat. She needs to take the initiative and do so.

She could say 'it was nice meeting you but in all honesty, I've got limited time and energy and would prefer to concentrate on my studies/ work/ existing friendships/ meeting someone for a relationship. I wish you all the best but will be leaving this chat here'. She can block if he keeps it up.

She needs to.assert her wishes. Some people just don't read the room, it doesn't necessarily make them harassers so don't make her feel she has no agency in this situation when she does.

squeakstick · 03/09/2022 23:04

I think his behavior is very odd to keep messaging and getting no reply. Sounds like someone to avoid.

It is odd your daughter replied and also put kisses. I think if she is worried she will see him around, she can be polite but also be assertive. Something like "I am finding this many messages really overwhelming and I don't want to be rude and not respond, but I am very busy right now and don't have time to reply, so would kindly ask that you stop messaging me." Also stop putting kisses to people she is not interested in.

Pixiedust1234 · 03/09/2022 23:10

So he asked a straight question but your daughter not only avoided answering but PUT KISSES!!!

Your daughter is in the wrong, she's leading him on. Tell her to put her big girl pants on and tell him they are not compatible/have a different sense of humour.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 03/09/2022 23:11

No it's not harassment. He has expressly asked if she wants him to stop messaging and instead of saying she thinks it would be for the best, she doesn't say anything or actually responds and apologises for not being in touch more. I mean yes he is needy and annoying and doesn't take a hint but it isnt harassment to text someone unless they've asked you to stop. She needs to stop worrying about hurting his feelings

Mosso · 03/09/2022 23:14

He's asking her outright. Why isn't she saying yes please stop?

Hawkins001 · 03/09/2022 23:16

All the best op, @pumpvanderrules

Maverickess · 03/09/2022 23:20

I agree with @MushMonster that yes, he knows she's not that interested but he's trying still.

It's not harassment or near because she needs to make it clear that she doesn't want any contact with him, he'd be harassing her if he continued after that, but she's ignored him followed by a reply explaining why she ignored him as her being busy, not because she doesn't want to talk to him.

It's possible he'll go down the route of asking for an explanation if she says she wants to cut contact, the can't we be just friends then, etc etc but I'd advise that she doesn't explain herself or agree to be just friends as it'll just continue, but say going their separate ways is what she wants and if he continues after that repeat, then block.

I had a similar situation and it dragged on for much longer than it needed to, making me uneasy and uncomfortable, having someone demanding my attention all the time but not wanting to be rude or make someone else feel bad - at my own expense.

largeprintagathachristie · 03/09/2022 23:26

Have you asked your daughter about her reply to his question?

The one where he asks her if he should stop messaging and she says she’s been busy (and leaves kisses).

Hugasauras · 03/09/2022 23:30

As women we are often conditioned to 'be nice', so we end up in situations like this. This was me as a younger woman so I recognise it well. Hard as it is, she needs to grit her teeth curl her toes and write that message: 'Hi, I think it's best we stop messaging as I'm finding it a bit much. Best of luck for the future.'

It's a tough thing to do, I know, but the relief after she's stopped cringing will be worth it.

drinkfeck · 03/09/2022 23:30

How old is she?

Personally I was kind of on your side till I saw her reply.

He asked if he should stop. She didn't say yes. She apologised and wrote little kisses

What kind of signal is she sending?

Whatever fucking age she is she needs to learn you can say no and it's fine. It doesn't make her a bitch. She be polite and still assert her own boundaries.

PixieLaLa · 03/09/2022 23:32

No that’s not harassment. Your DD either should ignore the messages or be honest that she’s not interested. Her reply is a bit misleading and doesn’t explain how she actually feels

Cats23 · 03/09/2022 23:37

Your daughter is leading him on.
Just block him.

mrsbyers · 03/09/2022 23:38

The mistake she made was not telling him she wasn’t interested in dating him any further , saying she is busy has obviously left him thinking there is an opening

Stravaig · 03/09/2022 23:52

No, this is a shocking lack of honesty and boundaries from your daughter!

Your daughter knows she's not interested in a guy, but tells him 'I don't have time to date'. That's not accurate or honest. She should have said 'I'm not interested in you. Goodbye.'

Your daughter ignores him for a bit, he asks if she wants him to stop messaging, she says 'Sorry I've been quiet, hope you're good, kiss kiss.' (WTF!) She should have said, 'Yes, I want you to stop messaging. I'm not interested in you. Goodbye.'

If she had been honest and clear, and he still continued to contact her, only then would that would be harrassment. At the moment he is respecting the boundaries she has set. No time to date; so he texts. Apologies for quiet, asks how he is; so he'll continue.

What on earth have you taught your daughter about honesty, clear communication and strong boundaries?

Sphinx2 · 03/09/2022 23:54

I've just got the ick from reading these messages from him!

All she needs to say is if she's not interested in him, politely and then block. If he tries to contact her via other channels, then it's more harrassing, I think.

Sphinx2 · 03/09/2022 23:54

I've just got the ick from reading these messages from him!

All she needs to say is if she's not interested in him, politely and then block. If he tries to contact her via other channels, then it's more harrassing, I think.

Sphinx2 · 03/09/2022 23:54

Sorry it posted my last message twice!

DanielRicciardosSmile · 03/09/2022 23:58

Sorry but no, I don't think this is harassment.

if she'd replied to his message saying that she didn't want him to continue to message her, then yes it would be harassment.

As it is, it seems more like someone who isn't particularly good at picking up on signals (which are fairly mixed to be honest) and who thinks he's still in with a chance.

If I were her I'd reply to say I'm not interested and then block if he continues.

BabyDreamers · 04/09/2022 00:31

Course it's not harassment. He seems a bit simple though.... why did she not say 'yes please stop messaging me' when he asked. She's basically just told him she only didn't reply as she was busy.

thecatsarecrazy · 04/09/2022 00:40

She needs to be firm with him. Some people just can't take the hint and as she hasn't blocked him he will probably think that's good. If I text someone twice and get no reply then I think OK fine and I'm done. Sadly I'm as guilty as her that I'm not firm enough. I currently have 7 unread messages from a guy I met once nearly 3 years ago. He Says shit like can I tempt you to meet again. I never reply. I keep hoping he will bugger off. Tonight I had 2 WhatsApp messages and a text within minutes from a guy I matched with on tinder months ago, never met him. We spoke over one evening and never heard from him again and he started talking like nothing had happened.

SD1978 · 04/09/2022 00:56

The messages are too much, but instead f actually shutting them down, she's remained ambiguous. It's not harassment if she's never stated stop sending them

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