To think this is verging on harassment?

[pumpvanderrules]

My daughter met this fella online, they had a few dates, however, my daughter decided she wasn't interested in him that way. She told him via text that she didn't have the time to date etc and he took it fine.

However, since then he has proceeded to message her. At first she would respond being polite very much 'how are you' type messages. She began to find the daily messages overwhelming and stopped responding however he continues to message her with very little back.

I've asked her why she doesn't block him but she said she is worried of seeing him around and him asking her and her seeming rude.

AIBU to think this is verging on harassment?

I think the age gap here is concerning. He is almost twice her age and she said she didn't want a relationship with him.

I think he's trying to wear her down and I'd be concerned about his intentions to be honest. There are a lot of red flags here.

*Age is irrelevant here.

They're both adults and she needs to tell him to stop. If he doesn't, she needs to block and move on.*

Totally disagree with this. Just because she's over 18 doesn't mean there is equality in his situation.

Are you ok, hun? 🙄

op, use one of the firm but clear responses from the thread to end this communication.

Sometimes you need to be explicit.

She's old enough for online dating, therefore she's old enough to hit the block button and move on.

Unless like her mother, she's prone to a bit of drama.

She just needs to tell him firmly she’s not interested. I don’t block people like this though as if they become threatening (which has happened with me) I need to see for my own safety, does he know her address OP?

She's 19 and needs a bit of guidance on firm boundaries. She is misleading him as he is directly asking if she wants to stop and she is just being coy. He should understand from the lack of response but she is not being honest when giving a direct response.

On the other hand, you, as her mother with more experience, should know this isn't harassment and not need to create a thread about it.

People who block in the first instance are shits who should be flushed into the deepest ocean.

A bit dramatic...

Agree that the disparity in age makes this unequal. She is an adult at 19, but he's nearly 40. Her lack of replies, and enthusiasm, so far should be message enough for him if she chooses not to engage further before blocking.

I agree it would be in your daughter's interests to block him. The age does make a difference to my take on it.

There is an obvious power imbalance here. He is an older confident more pushy man who will absolutely be capitalising on her reluctance to be blunt and she is probably not old enough to accept that the opinions of pushy people don't matter.

OP I think you need to help her feel confident to tell him to stop messaging and block him. I'd recommend watching Gavin De Becker's YouTube series or book, The Gift of Fear. Not because I think this mans behaviour signals danger but because the book and series so accurately describe the techniques people use to erode boundaries. Your daughter needs to understand that the purpose of her existence is not to be inoffensive to others, she has every right to her own wants and needs, which do not appear to include this man.

Yeah, don't harass op! 😂

Answering a question OP asked publicly, what was I thinking 🤣

Well I was going to suggest she actually tells him she doesn't want to message any more but I'm a bit scared to now in case mum tells me off 🤣

Op he’s a bit ott but it is not harassment because she hasn’t told him to go away or blocked him

shes don’t nothing at all

she has ways to deal with it and has chosen not to use them

To be fair, why then ask on mumsnet of you don't want x,y,z questions ect.?

Eugh his messages are giving me The Ick! But yes she really needs to tell him she’s not interested and to stop messaging her. Why does he keep asking if she wants to chat? Are they in any other contact or is he just imagining she actually wants to chat to him?

No other contact no so no idea. I would ask someone once and if I got no response then I would never ask them again.

You be quiet!! I've heard enough from you!!

Because that’s not what you want to hear? I agree the way you were carrying on I thought DD was 15/16 not 19! She needs to communicate how she’s actually feeling. However he is 36?! That is not an ok age gap.

wtf?!

No other contact no so no idea. I would ask someone once and if I got no response then I would never ask them again.

But her response is to apologise for not messaging back with kisses? She needs to say what she means and not moan that this man doesn't speak opposite language. Simple and done.

I was raised to be kind. Also honest. The two are not incompatible.

Is your DD guilty of not wanting to order anything from this man yet still secretly happy to be receiving attention from him?

The worried about how it will go down if she bumps into him doesn’t add up as he’s giving every opportunity for her to say she’d prefer it if he stop.

So is telling her he won’t be offended.

Sorry but the blame lies with your DD here. If she showed you these msgs complaining that he don’t stop pestering her -she either needs to learn how to assert herself & say no to people, or to check herself & see if really she does want something with him IMO.

Not order!

What has your DD said to him to have him asking if she’s ok so often?
I’d be concerned alright now after hearing the age difference, that would worry me a little.
I’m not being condescending to your DD but todays 19 year olds have missed 2years of socialising ( in a vital time of their lives ) and maybe more immature socially and emotionally with less awareness than they should have ( through no fault of their own, lockdowns being a major cause).
If she’s finished with him, she needs to be clear with him. He is getting mixed messages from her but for a 36 year old he’s fairly persistent and intense.

Id imagine what a 19 year old wants from a relationship could be very different to what a 36 year would want.

She needs to be honest as hard she might find that.

she needs to grow up and use her words