To think this is verging on harassment?

[pumpvanderrules]

My daughter met this fella online, they had a few dates, however, my daughter decided she wasn't interested in him that way. She told him via text that she didn't have the time to date etc and he took it fine.

However, since then he has proceeded to message her. At first she would respond being polite very much 'how are you' type messages. She began to find the daily messages overwhelming and stopped responding however he continues to message her with very little back.

I've asked her why she doesn't block him but she said she is worried of seeing him around and him asking her and her seeming rude.

AIBU to think this is verging on harassment?

It’s amazing to me that even on this thread people are equating reasonable boundaries as being rude

it makes me very sad.

i wish I’d had someone give me your advice at her age

By inference, women who don't tell men to leave them alone are weak and immature? This view is astounding. I cannot believe you've said this.

No one is saying she is weak, but telling someone you barely know that you're not interested is a pretty basic social skill and one I'd expect all neurotypical adults to have mastered.

I understand that women are socialised to be polite but if someone really isn't capable of saying "sorry not interested" or whatever, they really need to think hard if OLD is for them.

Sending men you meet online encouraging kissy messages whenever they indicate that they're going to stop contact, then claiming to be harassed by them, is a bit weird. The daughter hasn't done anything wrong but she does need to take some responsibility for her own actions.

That's the confusion at times, what one person thinks, does not always match what another person thinks.

You be quiet!! I've heard enough from you!!

Ah. I see where your daughter got her communication skills.

Harassment is maybea strong word but hes 100% crossing boundaries. And he clearly knows it which is why hes constantly looking for reassurance. Honestly, if I was getting those messages I'd probably also be worrying what their reaction to me cutting contact would be as it comes across a bit intense. I'd support her to send a polite message suggesting that they stop contact but that she wishes him well going forwards and it won't be awkward if they bump into each other. Then she needs to stop replying. They've only met through online so they don't have an established friendship or the same social circles and my experience from online dating is that being clear cut and honest is always the best policy. She really doesn't know much about this guy but he's giving red flags for me. I'd have blocked him but that's me personally.

honestly, do you think your post at 16.00 yesterday is acceptable communication? If so, have you transferred these communication ‘skills’ to your daughter?

The response is almost unanimous OP, but you don't seem to be accepting it. Two hypotheses:

If DD is significantly younger than 19 in her social abilities, then online dating with its diverse assortment of characters does not seem the wisest idea. It might be best to start a new thread being clear about your daughter's age and capabilities.

If DD is an average 19 old, then I suspect the original boundary she has trouble maintaining is with you, her parent. She's not separate from you, she can't say no to you, if she challenges you, you lash out. It might be best if she starts her own thread (and leaves home).

No it’s not harassment and I can see where she got her communication skills from.

Haha au contraire!

OP, this is what you need to encourage your DD to be saying to him!

Yes.
BTW, I hope that you are confining yourself to Mumsnet in this, and not contemplating involving helplines or 🙄 the police.

He’s asked her whether she wants him to stop. She had the option to say YES. She hasn’t. Teach your daughter to send clear signals.

Au contraire, my hairy arse!

This is a shrill and belligerent response to a poster in this thread, not good clear assertive communication skills.

Added to the fact that she views her 19 year old daughter as the victim of 'harassment', when there has been no clear, wish you well, sorry, not interested message to this fellow. Instead she has so far managed to send him confusing texts signed off with two kisses, which do nothing to set him straight.

I know! Just kidding, this from OP was an odd response out of nowhere to a poster.

I just meant that the daughter saying something, anything to express that she didn't want to continue talking would be an improvement upon putting up with endless unwanted messages and jumping to accusations of harassment.

Definitely agreed (as in my PPs) that a civil 'thanks but no thanks' would have been the logical starting point and it's a bit baffling why accusations of harassment came before this happened.

Forget the fact that he is messaging far too much and your daughter is just taking it the fact that he is nearly TWICE HER AGE is a big red flag and you should have discouraged her from the outset.

Age gaps aren't a big deal when you're older and have some more life experience, she is far too young to be involved with a man like that.

Yes, women who cannot tell men they are not interested in dating them & messaging them are displaying weakness & immaturity @VladmirsPoutine

What's the alternative - get a third party to do it for you?
Like you are not a functional adult, & need a grown up to do it for you?

It's a very low level of personal autonomy - to be able to decide you are uninterested in a man, & communicate that. Not sure why you feel otherwise.

Just mentioned this thread to my DD age 21.

We both agree that the age difference is problematic and she needs to block immediately.

Being nice includes being nice to herself and setting firm boundries.
She owes this man nothing.

You be quiet!! I've heard enough from you!!
Ah stop yoire carrying on ridiculously. It's a public forum. You asked.

Your daughter needs to tell him to stop. End of.

she has so far managed to send him confusing texts signed off with two kisses, which do nothing to set him straight.

Yes she needs to stop this. It's not at all clear to him that she wants him to stop. Yet shes telling you she wants him to stop. Open your mouth girl.

The fact he's a much older man and on OLD does indicate he knows exactly what he's doing and is trying to be manipulative.

But plenty of people are very insecure and don't have good social skills.

I know I felt a pang of recognition in the texts because I've often send texts exactly the same to my female friends (including women I've been friends with for years) because of being autistic. Obviously sending texts like that in the context of a longterm friendship is very different from OLD, (and I'm not suggesting he is autistic) but some people really can't pick up on social cues and will directly ask "do you want me to keep messaging you/is this an okay level of contact" and do so expecting an equally honest and straight forward answer.