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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think this is verging on harassment?

169 replies

pumpvanderrules · 03/09/2022 22:10

My daughter met this fella online, they had a few dates, however, my daughter decided she wasn't interested in him that way. She told him via text that she didn't have the time to date etc and he took it fine.

However, since then he has proceeded to message her. At first she would respond being polite very much 'how are you' type messages. She began to find the daily messages overwhelming and stopped responding however he continues to message her with very little back.

I've asked her why she doesn't block him but she said she is worried of seeing him around and him asking her and her seeming rude.

AIBU to think this is verging on harassment?

To think this is verging on harassment?
To think this is verging on harassment?
To think this is verging on harassment?
OP posts:
Thisiscrazyshite · 04/09/2022 01:03

Reading those texts I don’t think he’s harassing her. I think he’s confused about where he stands.
Your DD needs to be honest with him. He sounded more concerned for her than harassing her. He did ask if he should stop texting and she said nothing. That was her opportunity to politely ask him to.

scoobydoo1971 · 04/09/2022 01:08

Teach your daughter the most important word in the dictionary, which is NO. She shouldn't respond to him. Frankly it is not ok to let him think he stands a chance. He could focus on other women who are more receptive to his attentions. No need for drama or blocking here. Just a polite thanks, I am busy so lets call it a day on the texting and that should be fine.

KettrickenSmiled · 04/09/2022 01:43

He’s obviously a weirdo

No he's not.

He's just a guy on OLD, asking permission to stay in contact, & being given it. With xx's.

Ndd135632 · 04/09/2022 01:49

‘I’m sorry been a bit quiet. Hope you’re good x’

You need to teach your daughter how to say no. That just gave him the - everything ok come on.

‘No please stop messaging me’ is a better response

scooble · 04/09/2022 01:56

harassment?! wise up. He asked if she wanted him to stop messaging and she said no I’m just a bit quiet with kisses on the end 🙄

milkyaqua · 04/09/2022 01:56

mycatisannoying · 03/09/2022 22:13

Well, the absence of a reply should tell him something Confused

Show quote history

Some people don't read social cues or hints very well. Especially when they are getting mixed messaging their hopeful brain interprets as encouragement, like this from the daughter:

"I'm sorry been a bit quiet
Hope you're good xx"

I mean, FFS. If she wants him to stop "harassing" her, don't send messages like this.

Cas112 · 04/09/2022 02:04

She's literally not told him to stop. Just tell her she to tell him she doesn't want to talk anymore. Hopefully he understands, if not then block

Ndd135632 · 04/09/2022 02:06

Put yourself in his shoes. He really likes your daughter. And response is

I’m sorry been a bit quite. Hope all good xx

Please reach your daughter (but sounds like you need to start with yourself first) some boundaries

Ndd135632 · 04/09/2022 02:07

quiet teach

bloody autocorrect

StClare101 · 04/09/2022 02:14

Your daughter needs to grow a backbone and you need to step back.

KhaleesiDothraki · 04/09/2022 02:34

This reply has been deleted

Previously banned poster - this has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

JumpinJacques · 04/09/2022 03:00

mrsbyers · 03/09/2022 23:38

The mistake she made was not telling him she wasn’t interested in dating him any further , saying she is busy has obviously left him thinking there is an opening

Absolutely agree.

From what you say OP, it sounds like she's used the excuse that she CAN'T date him (too busy) rather than that she doesn't actually WANT to date him. I'm even going to hazard a guess that she said something along the lines of "we can still be friends" etc. She needs to be more explicit and stop trying to spare people's feelings at the expense of her own. She had the perfect opportunity to say actually yeah I'd rather you didn't message any more, it's not going to go anywhere, you're wasting your time etc. But didn't, thats on her.

Yes, he's being a bit weird and needy, but ultimately he thinks he's still got a chance.

ZombieMumEB · 04/09/2022 04:03

Hugasauras · 03/09/2022 23:30

As women we are often conditioned to 'be nice', so we end up in situations like this. This was me as a younger woman so I recognise it well. Hard as it is, she needs to grit her teeth curl her toes and write that message: 'Hi, I think it's best we stop messaging as I'm finding it a bit much. Best of luck for the future.'

It's a tough thing to do, I know, but the relief after she's stopped cringing will be worth it.

So much this.

Plus

  1. She needs to stop using the word "sorry".
  2. She needs to be direct and answer his question about him not message her.
  3. She needs to stop ending her messages with a smiling emoji and xx
flyingant · 04/09/2022 04:59

For goodness sake, she needs to tell him to stop. He's given her plenty of opportunities to. Her ignoring his questions about whether she wants him to keep messaging or not is not helping.

custardbear · 04/09/2022 05:27

She needs to tell him not to contact her. He's clearly interested and trying to get her attention. When he directly asked the question about contact she should have said yes please dont contact me, anything else is just encouraging him so it's not harassment as she's not told him to FO when asked.
Tell her no apologising or being a push over, just say I'm sorry I'm really not interested, can you stop contacting me please.

Mamakg · 04/09/2022 05:27

She didn't tell him she wasn't interested, she told him she didn't have time. He is holding out for when she does have time. She responds back to him as if everything is fine, just that she's "been quiet". If he doesn't know there's a problem, he can't stop. (Well, I guess he could, but if he genuinely likes her, he's being given reason to hold out hope.)

Put her big girl panties on and tell him she isn't interested. She doesn't have to be rude, which I would see concern for seeing him out in public. Just "I'm sorry. I just don't see you that way. Thanks but no thanks." And don't answer any more messages.

mycatisannoying · 04/09/2022 05:34

Thisiscrazyshite · 04/09/2022 01:03

Reading those texts I don’t think he’s harassing her. I think he’s confused about where he stands.
Your DD needs to be honest with him. He sounded more concerned for her than harassing her. He did ask if he should stop texting and she said nothing. That was her opportunity to politely ask him to.

He's not concerned for her at all. It's a manipulative tactic to keep in contact with her.
He's a leech.

Clubtropicana10 · 04/09/2022 05:56

I've been harassed. I got the police involved. They will only consider it harassment if you have made it absolutely clear you wish for them to stop messaging and leave you alone. If they continue after that then it's classed as harassment.

As your DD hasn't done that then this isn't

Marvellousmadness · 04/09/2022 06:12

Teach your dd to be more assertive
To stand up for herself
To asserting her boundaries. And that that never is rude.

You are failing her op
She has a lifetime ahead of her with weird shit. She needs to learn to be direct and say what she wants /doesnt want
And then block.

And you need to help her to do this op
Step up.

Fe345fleur · 04/09/2022 06:22

Agree with PP, she needs to tell him to stop. It's not rude, it's being assertive. If she doesn't want him to message her she needs to say so, politely but firmly. Then if he carrys on i

Fe345fleur · 04/09/2022 06:22

...posted too soon! Then if he carrys on, it's

OGLittlePickerWithTheMassiveKnickers · 04/09/2022 06:24

Does your daughter have any learning difficulties that prevented her answering his question about whether she should stop messaging him?

It’s not harassment. She hasn’t asked him to stop, he’s not being rude, she could just mute him…. lots of options for functional adults.

hugefanofcheese · 04/09/2022 06:49

mycatisannoying · 04/09/2022 05:34

He's not concerned for her at all. It's a manipulative tactic to keep in contact with her.
He's a leech.

Show quote history

We don't know which it is. He's asked a straight question about staying in touch and she hasn't said 'no'. Why jump to pathologising his behaviour and taking the power out of the DD's hands preemptively instead of encouraging her to make her needs known and taking steps to enforce these? If she had said 'no' and he carried on then ok, she would be dealing with someone who steamrollered or manipulated her but this is not the case.

bloodyunicorns · 04/09/2022 06:53

She needs to be able to use her words and answer his question.

When he asks if she wants him to step messaging she should say yes. She doesn't owe him anything.

W0tnow · 04/09/2022 07:12

Yes, I think it’s verging on harassment.

”does she have learning difficulties”. 🤦‍♀️

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