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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think this is verging on harassment?

169 replies

pumpvanderrules · 03/09/2022 22:10

My daughter met this fella online, they had a few dates, however, my daughter decided she wasn't interested in him that way. She told him via text that she didn't have the time to date etc and he took it fine.

However, since then he has proceeded to message her. At first she would respond being polite very much 'how are you' type messages. She began to find the daily messages overwhelming and stopped responding however he continues to message her with very little back.

I've asked her why she doesn't block him but she said she is worried of seeing him around and him asking her and her seeming rude.

AIBU to think this is verging on harassment?

To think this is verging on harassment?
To think this is verging on harassment?
To think this is verging on harassment?
OP posts:
Mumspair1 · 04/09/2022 07:32

Pixiedust1234 · 03/09/2022 23:10

So he asked a straight question but your daughter not only avoided answering but PUT KISSES!!!

Your daughter is in the wrong, she's leading him on. Tell her to put her big girl pants on and tell him they are not compatible/have a different sense of humour.

This! Fgs this isn't harassment.

TabithaTittlemouse · 04/09/2022 07:34

Why can’t she just say ‘stop messaging me’ or be even clearer by blocking him.

LuftBalloons · 04/09/2022 08:01

She just needs to block his number. He’s not harasssing her - yet. But he’s arrogant enough, or stupid enough, to ignore her signals.

Roseshavethorns · 04/09/2022 08:09

Your daughter is in the wrong here. She is telling him she wants him to message her but telling you the opposite. She is lying to one of you.

I feel sorry for the poor guy. His messages are absolutely light-hearted and friendly. I have no idea how you can think he is harassing her when he asks her her if she would like him to stop and she apologised for being quiet and puts kisses.

I think I would be having a conversation with your daughter about what she is trying to achieve. I hope she is not telling people that the poor bloke is harassing her when she is encouraging him to keep messaging.

ChagSameachDoreen · 04/09/2022 08:16

The best thing we can teach our daughters is not to worry about being seen as rude.

todoornot · 04/09/2022 08:52

First mistake was to say she didn't have time to date. Some men won't take the hint, and think there is still attraction and that they are still in with a chance. Next time she needs to distance by saying something like 'thanks for a nice time, you're a great guy, but there's something missing for me/didn't feel a spark, best of luck'.

Just ignore him now and if he persists send 'Finding the texting too much now. Take care'

'Take care' is final in dating.

Beautiful3 · 04/09/2022 08:54

He asked her if she wanted him to stop. She didn't reply. Just reply and say, "yes please.

JulesCobb · 04/09/2022 08:56

You are failing her op She has a lifetime ahead of her with weird shit. She needs to learn to be direct and say what she wants /doesnt want And then block. And you need to help her to do this op. Step up.

this.

todoornot · 04/09/2022 08:58

I feel sorry for the poor guy. His messages are absolutely light-hearted and friendly.

I absolutely don't feel sorry for the guy, he's been ignored multiple times but his entitlement means he's continued to message. Yes, she should have been much more direct and hasn't helped the situation but who does he think he is demanding her attention? Men like this make me sick and if women did it they'd be called desperate and bunny boilers.

Musti · 04/09/2022 09:01

It is harassment! Her lack of replies makes it very clear she’s not interested. And her response is someone trying not to be rude.

Op if she finds it too harsh to just block (I would) . Tell her to just not answer.

OurChristmasMiracle · 04/09/2022 09:02

her first mistake was making excuses as to why she couldn’t see him- being busy rather than saying “it’s been nice getting to know you but I don’t see our relationship going any further, so won’t be seeing you again. Take care”.

then she’s keeping the door open for him to message her. Rather than just being honest. She could still message the above and say it’s been nice getting to know him but she sees no future relationship with him and wish him well.

not everyone is good at reading between lines. He may genuinely believe she is just really busy and her apologising for being busy reinforces that.

DeclansAFeckingDream · 04/09/2022 09:04

No it's not 'harassment'. She needs to tell him to stop messaging her. That's it. Responding with that message with kisses was not the best idea if she wants someone to stop messaging.

BEAM123 · 04/09/2022 09:05

Sunnyqueen · 03/09/2022 22:16

No it's not harassment. I mean he asked her if he should not message her and she replied apologising saying she'd just been a bit quiet. Which is basically just giving him the go ahead to message her again. She needs to either tell him she doesn't want to chat with him anymore or block him.

Yes, this ^. He has asked her twice if she minds and she never answers that question, she just says sorry been a bit quiet.

You have to be black and white with men, in general they aren't psychic and they don't pick up on subtle cues in the same way women do.

He is actually being respectful by asking her if it's OK chatting and IMHO he doesn't deserve to be blocked at the moment. Unless she says she isn't comfortable messaging and he persists then that is different but at the moment he is just chatting and being friendly and he has asked her if that's OK.

She needs to give him the courtesy of saying 'sorry, I don't feel a need to be in contact, I'd like to stop the messaging. It was nice getting to know you and I wish you all the best'

Whodoiwanttobe · 04/09/2022 09:05

Well she hasn’t told him to stop messaging her! She’s giving him the go ahead!! I feel sorry for him even if he is a bit over keen! She should have said she isn’t interested and would rather not talk

FOJN · 04/09/2022 09:16

He's asked her twice if she would rather he didn't message and she hasn't told him to stop. He sounds a needy but not threatening. Instead of apologising for lack of contact (with kisses FFS) she could have said, 'yes I'd prefer it if you stopped contacting me'.

I think you need to teach your daughter that boundaries are hers to enforce rather than assuming other people will correctly interpret her hints or in this case mixed messages. Stop encouraging her to feel like a victim when, in this situation, she has not used the opportunity, he presented her with, to end the messaging.

Workawayxx · 04/09/2022 09:29

He should read the signs but in a world of Romcoms where the guy keeps pestering and she eventually realised he’s not very thing she wants, I guess he’s just trying it n! I found a really polite message would work often and can then escalate to a brutal one or blocking if needed. So, sonething like “I’m so busy at the moment I don’t really have time to keep up with messages so would prefer not to stay in touch but it was nice to meet you and wishing you all the best!”. Can then say “I don’t want to message any more” if he carries on.

Workawayxx · 04/09/2022 09:30

Sorry, typos! 🤦🏻‍♀️

hewouldwouldnthe · 04/09/2022 09:55

Not harassment. She just needs to say she'd rather not carry on with the texting. He asks does she want him to stop, why on earth didn't she answer honestly?

SucculentSunshine · 04/09/2022 09:59

Of course it’s not harassment. He literally gave her an out twice! She needs to tell him she isn’t interested FFS.

Yayayaya20 · 04/09/2022 10:10

I don’t think she actually wants him to stop messaging. If she did she wouldn’t have replied but been relieved if he looked like he was going to stop.

annoyedneighbour1 · 04/09/2022 11:16

She hasn't told him to stop! I'll get slated for this but she's probably enjoying the attention, giving him mixed messages and them coming to you/her friends like 'he's soooo annoying! He won't leave me alone!'

If she doesn't want contact from him she needs to tell him this! He's asked her twice for Christ sake!

AnuSTart · 04/09/2022 11:19

She needs to be more assertive! You're her mum show her the way!
Yes he's very full-on but he asked her and she didn't say...

'Sure let's stop now. Thanks!'

She doesn't need to be rude, just clear!!

PuppyMonkey · 04/09/2022 11:34

Are men these days really so dim that they can’t take a big hint from someone giving you massive clues like telling you they are too busy to date and blatantly ignoring all your messages? They have to have it spelled out in words of one syllable or they can’t help but still feel they’re in with a chance and it’s all the woman’s fault for not being direct enough?Grin

milkyaqua · 04/09/2022 11:48

PuppyMonkey · 04/09/2022 11:34

Are men these days really so dim that they can’t take a big hint from someone giving you massive clues like telling you they are too busy to date and blatantly ignoring all your messages? They have to have it spelled out in words of one syllable or they can’t help but still feel they’re in with a chance and it’s all the woman’s fault for not being direct enough?Grin

Massive clues like signing off with kisses...?

FurAndFeathers · 04/09/2022 11:52

pumpvanderrules · 03/09/2022 22:11

4th screenshot

Why is she apologising for not responding and sending him kisses if she doesn’t want to communicate with him?
honestly, you need to face a chat with her about appropriate communication