To think this is verging on harassment?

[pumpvanderrules]

My daughter met this fella online, they had a few dates, however, my daughter decided she wasn't interested in him that way. She told him via text that she didn't have the time to date etc and he took it fine.

However, since then he has proceeded to message her. At first she would respond being polite very much 'how are you' type messages. She began to find the daily messages overwhelming and stopped responding however he continues to message her with very little back.

I've asked her why she doesn't block him but she said she is worried of seeing him around and him asking her and her seeming rude.

AIBU to think this is verging on harassment?

How old is she?

He's guilty of being very needy and not very perceptive but he has given OP's daughter two attempts to tell him to stop messaging and rather than do that she apologised for being quite and finished the message with kisses. Not the most convincing way to tell someone to leave you alone.

I never give creepy men the benefit of the doubt but he has said he doesn't want to be annoying and will stop if that's what she would prefer so let's stop pretending OP's daughter has no agency here and is a victim. There are very many situations which are more complicated than, 'just tell him to leave you alone', this isn't one of them so let's show some respect for women who do find themselves in far trickier situations.

Have you posted about this before? It's definitely ringing a bell wrt daughter/screenshots etc.

No in my view its not harassment or anywhere near it. The guy isn't a mind reader -.he actually asks if he should stop and she says she's been busy and sends 2 kisses! If she wants it to stop then say so and stop with the kisses.

People saying the OP's daughter should tell him to do one have clearly never been a young woman Do some of you realise that rejecting a man in a certain type of way can actually result in putting you directly in harms way. Women have been punched, pushed on train tracks for having the mere audacity to reject a man's advances. I agree the OP's daughter should feel free to tell him to leave her alone but we don't live in that type of world.

“he has given OP's daughter two attempts to tell him to stop messaging”

Yes, he’s so very reasonable and just can’t help sending a billion messages throughout the course of a week when she’d already told him she didn’t want to see him any more and pointedly ignored him for several days.

Of course she's not been harassed!!!

I agree, she should have never responded in that way. However I didn't know about it until after she had responded, I have asked her why and she just says she felt sorry for him and didn't want to be rude. I've told her how this can come across as leading him on though. She's only 19 so fairly new to all this. She has one boyfriend from 15 - 18 so hasn't dated until now.

I have attached more screenshots which show him over the course of a night. How can you not take the hint?

I feel for your daughter because it's awkward and she doesn't want to hurt his feelings, but equally, he's not taking the hint. So either block him or ask him to stop messaging, either way don't just ignore him as he'll carry on

Have you listened to everyone telling her she needs to get that confidence. She can say no and not be rude.

There's a massive difference

Also yeah the guys annoying but he's young and in his defence your daughter hasn't actually said she's not interested in him!

She doesn't have time to date right now. Doesn't say anything when he asks if she wants him to stop. Then sends a 'sorry' text with kisses.

I'll be honest I kind of agree with a pp it just looks like she's leading him on. She had the perfect out. He asked her if it was okay. She should have just said no.

Don't keep going on about how obtuse the guy is. Harassment blah blah blah. This is up to your daughter.

I actually think it is very like harassment and he absolutely should have got the message, also understand how difficult it can be to set boundaries in some cases, but she hasn't even tried. You need to explain to her that trying to keep the peace just means it will continue.

He is annoying and obtuse but he also literally asked her if he should stop and she didn’t say anything. She is being ridiculous.

If you report harassment like that, the first thing the police say is “Have you told them clearly to leave you alone?” because they can’t prove harassment unless you’ve done that. Harassment is attention that is clearly unwanted, and to be clearly unwanted you have to tell the person that. ‘Hoping they get the hint’ is not an option.

It doesn’t matter how many more screenshots you share: the answer to your question is that she needs to tell him to stop. If that doesn’t work, then it becomes harassment. It isn’t harassment yet.

I think this is way too much and she should tell him clearly that she's not interested.

Do you know how old he is?

He is 36

He knows he over the top because he's apologised and he's clearly aware of what he's doing.

Your daughter could be more assertive, but in all honesty he should take the hint.

Usually I’m the first to agree that men can be too pushy and trample over clear boundaries but u don’t think that’s necessarily the case here. This guy is obviously really not getting the hint but I don’t know how you can call it harassment when she responds to him asking if he wants her to stop contacting him with an apology and kisses. She even said that she hasn’t responded because she was busy which he’s going to take at face value.

I would be very concerned if my dd was this naïve at 19, she really needs to be more explicit about her wants and needs. You need to explain to your dd that she can be nice but still able to assert her boundaries. It’s not unkind to tell him that he’s too full on and she doesn’t want to him to message anymore. In this case it could even be more unkind to be as passive as she is as her lack of clarity is giving him false hope.

However if she tells him clearly even once that she doesn’t want to speak and he continues then it does cross the boundary of harassment and her guard should be up

He’s 36 and she’s 19. Yeah all her fault for not telling him clearly enough to stop messaging, he can’t help it poor thing.

Op instead of jumping about claiming harassment, your dd has many options here. BLOCK him, why hasn't she done that already?? TELL him to stop messaging, again why hasn't she done that? She's 19, not a young teen. She hasn't done anything to cut contact, except to engage with him.

Harassment? Not even close. He asked more than once if he should stop texting. She didn’t tell him to stop. Instead she replied with some wishy-washy excuse for not responding sooner (so that’s the opposite of telling him to stop) and a few kisses. All be she needs to do is reply that she is not interested in communicating with him any more. Why is that so hard? It’s sending a text, that’s all. It’s not rude. It’s even more rude to send replies with kisses when you have no interest in continuing a friendship with him.

He's 36 and she's 19? Advise her to block him, no explanation needs to be given to him.

Age is irrelevant here.

They're both adults and she needs to tell him to stop. If he doesn't, she needs to block and move on.

However, the OP isn't showing a very good example here starting an internet thread with all the screenshots etc. It's all far too dramatic when block and move on is the simple solution.

I assumed DD was younger. Why do you have screenshots of her phone when she's an adult? Are you asking on her behalf? Does she even know about this thread? There seems to be a larger problem in establishing boundaries and communicating independently clearly.

You be quiet!! I've heard enough from you!!

🤣