To answer questions this way?

[Danceswithkids]

This is hard to explain but DH will ask me a question, and I give the information I have to hand that can be used to get to the answer but I don't work it out for him. This annoys him because 'Im not answering the question'. I feel I am! For context we have small kids and I am often already doing three things at once when the questions come in.

Examples
him - when do we need to leave to get to the party? me - it's a 40 minute drive and we need to get there at 10:30.
him - what time is the teddy bears picnic? me - it's on the calendar.
him - how many pieces of chicken is my share? me - I cooked 10 between 4 people.
him - do the children need sun hats? me - I checked the forecast earlier and it's going to be sunny all day.

Aibu to answer this way or would your partner answering like this annoy the crap out of you?

I can't really work out how you could remember something not-visually. Is that a thing?

I guess that's a yes to your questions.

I find both of you annoying. He as an adult should be capable of working things out for himself, but if it’s every now and then, why can’t you just answer the question.

Op as a person who's husband regularly thinks I am all knowing I really like your conversation style. It's not your responsibility to constantly provide answers for him. If I'm busy/distracted I'll often give a automatic "I don't know" so I don't have to use brain space to think of the answer.

I can see he would be irritated by this as I would be too; if you know the answer then just give the answer- don’t give him all the clues and expect him to work it out

On the other hand, if he regularly seems to need you to answer stuff he should know then I can see why that’s annoying as well

It comes across as sarcasm extremely strongly. The fact that you can't see that raises questions in itself.

The answer says "are you stupid? I put it in front of you so why are you asking?"

I know it's not your own example, but that's something you're not understanding about the way you answer questions.

Can I ask if you have a problem with saying yes or no? It's not unusual to have words that for some reason you can't say. I had a uni friend who was actually unable to say his name. And I know another person who can't say thank you. They will show appreciation using other words, but have a block about that specific word.

I can only suggest that as a trial run, you make a concerted effort to simply answer with yes or no as and when appropriate for a few days, and see how it makes you feel and if it works.

My partner and I often have this dynamic. He automatically asks me questions instead of working it our or looking it up. I will be sorting the lunch out or helping the kids and I don’t always have the mental capacity to spoon feed him the info. He would never just bring hats, for example. Or even ask ‘what time do we need to leave’ because he see’s that as my job. I have to remind him and even then he doesn’t take it on and we are waiting around for him. It makes family days out stressful for me. He also doesn’t like too much info as he struggles to process. We are both ADHD.

Sounds very passive aggressive.

i think you’re completely in the right, why should you have to do all the thinking on his behalf?!

Depends whether you were doing it because he's being lazy and you're busy, or because you're going to extreme lengths to make a point.

For example, with the picnic - did you actually know what time the picnic was, with 100% certainty, off the top of your head? If so then just tell him. You can't be too busy for that! If not, then say, "I'm not sure, check the calendar."

@saraclara I can easily imagine ways it could be sarcastic.

You are imaging a scenario where it's obvious it's their tea (in which case why is the person asking?). I'm imagining a scenario where there's lots of cups of tea and the person being asked is having to remember where they put each one, and tell them. Otherwise, I would just say yes!

I have zero problem saying yes or no, I do it all the time. Just if I have to think about the answer I tend to say what I'm thinking out loud rather than do all the thinking silently then just say yes or no.

Of course I didn't know when the picnic was!

I did know I'd previously written it down on the calendar so I told him where to find the answer thinking that was more helpful than just saying 'I don't know' or making him wait until I was finished with the kids to find it and report back to him.

Its really not that hard to think backwards from 1030 and get to 940.

In fact I'm pretty sure most people would automatically already know what time they need to leave if they know what time they need to be there.

Same with the date. If you knew when it was to write it on the calendar. You know when it is. You wrote it on the calendar!

Same with the chicken.

You calculated how many to put on. So you know how many you wanted each person to have. Why pretend you didn't?

Your oh is obviously as equally a pita asking questions he should know the answer too.

Same with the date. If you knew when it was to write it on the calendar. You know when it is. You wrote it on the calendar!

I can’t remember every date of everything I wrote on the calendar. That is what the calendar is for!

Our calendar is for shared dates.

I know my own.

Then I'm clearly not most people as I absolutely wouldn't 'automatically know' when we needed to leave based on arrival and journey time, I'd need to work it out.

I have a ton of timings between with work & kids hobbies, there's no way I can remember the time of an event I wrote on the calendar months ago. That's why I write stuff down!

I didn't do any 'calculations' with the chicken. The children sometimes eat loads and sometimes hardly anything, but we all like cold chicken the next day so it's not a problem if there's leftovers, so I just do all the chicken pieces.

I do find it quite funny that you’re answering posters’ questions in the same way that you’re talking about.

I’m autistic and would find this annoying as fuck. However, I’ve also realised by reading this thread that I often answer questions the same way. God I must be irritating 😂

Then instead of answering how you do, you could say

I dont know when we need to leave.

I dont remember the time but its on the calendar

You can have a max of 3 bits of chicken

Yes they need sun hats

But like I said you need to address your pH asking stupid questions rather than giving stupid answers

I voted YABU because I presumed you knew the answers and were being deliberately difficult. However, as you say you didn't know them and were just articulating the thought processes around what you did know, I think they're OK - other than the chicken one which doesn't answer the question at all.

I would also articulate the "starts at 10:30, takes 40 minutes" information, though I'd probably also say we should therefore leave around 9:45 ish.

The chicken thing is bonkers though as surely you have some idea how much your kids are likely to eat and what you want, so you can answer with how many are left - "you can have 3 pieces if you want, or we can leave one for another time". He could reasonably be expected to know what your kids are likely to eat, but he can't know how many you want on that occasion.