To answer questions this way?

[Danceswithkids]

This is hard to explain but DH will ask me a question, and I give the information I have to hand that can be used to get to the answer but I don't work it out for him. This annoys him because 'Im not answering the question'. I feel I am! For context we have small kids and I am often already doing three things at once when the questions come in.

Examples
him - when do we need to leave to get to the party? me - it's a 40 minute drive and we need to get there at 10:30.
him - what time is the teddy bears picnic? me - it's on the calendar.
him - how many pieces of chicken is my share? me - I cooked 10 between 4 people.
him - do the children need sun hats? me - I checked the forecast earlier and it's going to be sunny all day.

Aibu to answer this way or would your partner answering like this annoy the crap out of you?

Surprised how many people just don't get what the OP is saying.

DP made the mistake of once asking me what time we needed to leave for the airport and up to then I hadn't thought about it so I started to answer like the OP is saying 'well we fly at X, so 2 hours before then and we have to get parked and...' at which point he interrupted and said 'I don't need all that, I was just asking what time we need to set off' so I said I didn't know and went back to what I was doing.

I started doing this with my partner a while back. He blindly asks me absolutely everything. I'm always busy with things and mentally overloaded, his expectations for me to spoon-feed him even basic information constantly (ans I mean constantly) is too much for me. I have two kids perpetually asking kid questions including common sense ones. My mums is always asking me loads of questions. I don't get five minutes without it happening from someone and can't get into and remain in the right headspace to get my paperwork done at the moment because none of them can work things out or find things using their own eyes etc. I've repeatedly asked and reminded to think before just expecting me to think for them all.

It’s like that saying “don’t come to me with a problem, come with a solution” - so for example,
don’t ask what time to set off, say “I thought we’d leave around 10, will that be enough time?” or “I’ll give me and you three bits of chicken each and that’s two each for the kids” or even - and this is really revolutionary - just look at the situation and figure it out for oneself and then do the thing! Just look out of the window and pack the sun hats. How many women are wandering around asking their DPs if the kids need sun hats?

I actually understand this. If he’s asking at the same time as you’re trying to zip up a coat or talk down a screaming toddler then you’re working it out in your head out loud and he should be able to go “yep I’ve got it” and finish the working out for you. For example when I’m exhausted it’ll take me a few minutes to work out the chicken thing 😂 and I guess you’re hoping he’ll chip in and help you decide.

That’s completely different to deliberately giving a puzzle answer. So it just depends how and why you’re doing it.

I should have been clearer in the OP that I don't always answer like this, just when I don't know the answer off the top of my head - I thought that was obvious!

I'm not thinking 'well the answer is 9:50' but better make it into a maths puzzle. I tell him what I know, assuming he can work out anything else just as well as I can.

I’m with you OP, YANBU - why should you carry the mental load for obvious things all the time. People saying you’re exhausting have either never experienced such a drain or they are that person who expects someone else to just organise them / know everything.

If you'd forgotten what time the party was and had to walk over to the calendar and read the time then you are not unreasonable. If you answer like that in the hope that he checks the calendar in future then it's passive aggressive.

So? He should check the calendar, he should need to ask all these questions. Why can't he check the weather and decide himself if the kids need sun hats? He sounds incompetent

I think you’ve had a hard time here, I would find your husband exhausting! Why is he acting like another child asking his mum?

Two sides to every story imo…the guy could have spent the last 2 years trying to make decisions only to be shot down, overridden, contradicted by the OP and so he has given up trying to make decisions. Or maybe, just maybe he’s trying to make adult conversation and feel part of a team…silly questions or not. Maybe it’s the only way he gets conversation 🙄

yabu but I get you.

I do do similar sometimes. I’m not his mother.

I'm actually also autistic. Hence needing to ask the internet if what I'm doing is irritating as fuck when it's just logical to me.

Same here. I really do understand.

The party one, I get. Also the picnic which you might not know off the top of your head but know where the info can be found. The other two I don't get at all.

When you put the chicken nuggets on do you not choose how many based on what each person would get?

For the sun hat one, your response sounds like Alexa. Do I need a sun hat? I've checked the forecast and it should be sunny.... so, yes?

Marriage is about sharing burdens

Sounds like he's one of those men who just expect the woman to do the mental organising work

But if I just say 'I don't know' then he doesn't have the information to get to the answer. That seems much more annoying to me.

But why doesn't he have the info?

Perhaps the only thing that he might not know from the examples is how much chicken you cooked?

If he knows where party is he can work it out, he can look at a weather forecast/calender for the other info.

I'm gonna try this one

I would also answer like this sometimes, when I don't know the exact answer. Why should I have to work it out for them? Also most of these examples are judgement calls, depend on other circumstances and really up to the person. Some people prefer to leave early in case of traffic, for example. Sunhats might not be needed if the planned day is mostly indoors or shaded area.

It just sounds to me like you are thinking out loud. I'd add the actual answer on the end though - it's 40 minutes and a 10.30 start so I guess we aim for 9.45. I did 10 pieces of chicken so how much do you think the kids will eat. That kind of thing.

Would you like people to answer your questions like that?
As an autistic person I prefer a straight answer or I get stressed and anxious.

YANBU. I'm not autistic and I certainly answer that way re. the chicken portions. Its not up to me to decide how many he gets, only to say how many there are and who is eating them.

I'd be driven crazy by those answers. If I ask a question, it's because I think the other person might know and it could save a bit of time. If they don't know, that's fine, but I'd rather they said they didn't know.
And as for the chicken thing. I don't get why you wouldn't just say how many you planned for each person as you must have had some idea in order to have decided 10 was appropriate

This. He's expecting you to keep all the info in your head to save him having to adult. It's absolutely exhausting. Mine does it to.

I understand completely where you are coming from. I struggle with the mental load of motherhood sometimes and so I do the same to DH, it's on the calendar. Check the weather. That sort of thing. I can dee why if you knew the answer it would be annoying but if your DH is like mine he expects me to just know things like I'm Google sometimes!

That's it! That's it exactly! I am not Google or an Oracle and why can't he think for himself if a hat is needed!