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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To answer questions this way?

218 replies

Danceswithkids · 03/09/2022 19:48

This is hard to explain but DH will ask me a question, and I give the information I have to hand that can be used to get to the answer but I don't work it out for him. This annoys him because 'Im not answering the question'. I feel I am! For context we have small kids and I am often already doing three things at once when the questions come in.

Examples
him - when do we need to leave to get to the party? me - it's a 40 minute drive and we need to get there at 10:30.
him - what time is the teddy bears picnic? me - it's on the calendar.
him - how many pieces of chicken is my share? me - I cooked 10 between 4 people.
him - do the children need sun hats? me - I checked the forecast earlier and it's going to be sunny all day.

Aibu to answer this way or would your partner answering like this annoy the crap out of you?

OP posts:
tkwal · 03/09/2022 22:07

Has your DH had a stroke or something ? If so I can understand you encouraging him to figure out the answers for himself. My husband had a stroke 5 years ago and I was encouraged to let him figure things out for himself and not to "fill in" words when he was struggling to find the correct one. It was quite frustrating at first but worth it long term.

SmileyClare · 03/09/2022 22:08

A lot of posters are assuming you do this to teach dh to stop bothering you with “inane” questions, to make a point about your mental load yet you don’t agree op?

I’m finding even your replies on here quite obtuse! You just say it’s “what’s in your head”? and can’t give a definitive reason why you do it.

Perhaps you’re just a very non committal person who dislikes making decisions, or you lack confidence in giving direct replies for fear of being “wrong”?

Most of your examples are maths related which could be where you lack confidence in giving an assertive answer.

TortolaParadise · 03/09/2022 22:10

him - do the children need sun hats? me - I checked the forecast earlier and it's going to be sunny all day.

The answer is simply 'yes'.

I do understand your perspective op - I also work with people who ask endless questions!

Mangocrazy1 · 03/09/2022 22:10

But @Danceswithkids if you don’t know the answer…and he is asking because he also doesn’t know then unless he asks how do you both discuss it and decide when to leave the house (as posed in q1) is it all done through flipping telepathy?? If he didn’t ask are you assuming he knows what time? What if he wasn’t aware? How do you communicate these things without talking it through? Aka…asking the questions?

Regularsizedrudy · 03/09/2022 22:14

Yes that is annoying. But he is more annoying for asking stupid questions that he could work out the answer to himself. Going forward I would answer everything with “dunno”

RagingWoke · 03/09/2022 22:14

@Danceswithkids if you don't know then rephrasing your answer would help. The examples you give are PA and feel intentionally obstructive.
You could say 'the party starts at 10:30 and it's 40 minutes drive, so I was thinking we'd leave 9:45-50 what do you think?'. You're giving him the info, bringing him into the thought process and not being needlessly abrasive. Unless that's your goal then carry on, either he'll get the message or the hostility will build.

BrandyandGinger · 03/09/2022 22:18

I genuinely think YANBU, you are just thinking out loud.
If you gave me that answer to the question about chicken I'd probably think out loud back at you and say something like "so two each for both of the kids and three each for us?"
If you gave me that answer to the party question I'd probably say "OK, so we need to be ready at 9.45. What needs doing before then?
My son would be exactly the same. We're both very mathematical. It's just the way your mind works.

Original poster
Danceswithkids · 03/09/2022 22:19

Mangocrazy1 · 03/09/2022 22:10

But @Danceswithkids if you don’t know the answer…and he is asking because he also doesn’t know then unless he asks how do you both discuss it and decide when to leave the house (as posed in q1) is it all done through flipping telepathy?? If he didn’t ask are you assuming he knows what time? What if he wasn’t aware? How do you communicate these things without talking it through? Aka…asking the questions?

Sorry, I don't understand what you're asking? He doesn't know when we are leaving or how long the journey is or when we need to get there. He needs to know when we are leaving. He asks me. I also don't know (off the top of my head) when we are leaving but I do know how long the journey is and when we need to get there so I tell him that and he can work out what he needs to know.

Zero telepathy required.

OP posts:
CheapBeersFilledwithCrocodileTears · 03/09/2022 22:22

I mean, the good news is you’ll completely fucking trounce Gollum in a game of riddles, so you get to keep the ring AND find a way out of the cave, OP Baggins.

YesitsBess · 03/09/2022 22:23

@CornedBeef451 indeed. My job is being a PA in both a professional (for one client) and family (for four clients) brain.

I am not doing it in my spare time aswell as a hobby. I organise everything and make sure information is available right up to the date of whatever has been organised. Any questions asked 30 minutes prior to departure?

’Not sure’ or in the case of not being prepared ‘that sounds like a you problem’

KhaleesiDothraki · 03/09/2022 22:24

This reply has been deleted

Previously banned poster - this has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Getoff · 03/09/2022 22:24

I agree with everyone that the answers initially sounded annoying, but given OP says she is giving him the most she can without doing extra work, that he could do for himself, I don't think she's unreasonable.

Although the chicken one is mysterious, I would assume the cook is the boss of who gets how many pieces. I would not be able to come to a firm conclusion from that information, and I would not feel I had discretion to choose what I thought was best.

Lunar270 · 03/09/2022 22:25

him - how many pieces of chicken is my share? me - I cooked 10 between 4 people.
him - do the children need sun hats? me - I checked the forecast earlier and it's going to be sunny all day

I get that 10 isn't divisible by 4 without chopping up bits of chicken but honestly.

And don't get me started on the sun hats. Not when we have phones, TV and radio for finding out the weather.

IMO your husband sounds like he's either a bit simple or he's afraid of getting it wrong because there's a clear right wrong way to do things in the house (that might not be dictated by him).

Either way it doesn't sound the most functional way of interacting but is difficult with young children.

ScaryBiscuitz · 03/09/2022 22:31

CheapBeersFilledwithCrocodileTears · 03/09/2022 22:22

I mean, the good news is you’ll completely fucking trounce Gollum in a game of riddles, so you get to keep the ring AND find a way out of the cave, OP Baggins.

Brilliant 😂

Original poster
Danceswithkids · 03/09/2022 22:32

RewildingAmbridge · 03/09/2022 21:49

Who has to stand there working out that 40 minutes before 10:30 is 9:50?! It's automatic surely, very simple mental arithmetic.
That answer is fine to me OP because DH would hear 9:50 latest but maybe a bit before that in case of traffic if I gave that answer , because he's capable of making his own inferences.
The chicken is the one that doesn't sit right because the number isn't divisible by 4 in chicken terms, you're not having 2.5 pieces of chicken each. I'd probably say there are ten, take what you like just save enough for me and DC

I guess you are just smarter than me because it would take me a noticeable amount of time to work out the time we were leaving given a journey time and arrival time, especially while simultaneously carrying on a conversation with the six year old who can't stop talking and packing the change bag making sure I don't miss anything for any of the children, and reminding the four year old they do have to wear pants etc.

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 03/09/2022 22:33

him - do the children need sun hats?

me - I heard the weather forecast earlier and it's going to be quite hot, so can you grab their hats and kiddie sun cream, there's a love.

OP are you fed up because your DH keeps passing all the thinking to you ?

your answers make it sound like you want him to do the hard work even though you know the answers

drunktrifle · 03/09/2022 22:35

How did you answer when he proposed? 😂

Brilliant 👏 👏 👏

Original poster
Danceswithkids · 03/09/2022 22:35

CheapBeersFilledwithCrocodileTears · 03/09/2022 22:22

I mean, the good news is you’ll completely fucking trounce Gollum in a game of riddles, so you get to keep the ring AND find a way out of the cave, OP Baggins.

I genuinely loved the riddles in the Hobbit when I read it as a kid. Despite my acclaim on here though i don't think any of my answers would pass muster as a riddle.

OP posts:
ShowOfHands · 03/09/2022 22:37

My Mum is autistic and she often answers a question we haven't asked or is vague or tenuous or focuses on the wrong detail. She sounds somewhat similar to you. She gets upset and frustrated when people ask the same question again because she doesn't know what they're asking really.

Where's the sellotape Mum?
I haven't got it.
No Mum, I mean where do you keep it.
Has somebody moved it. I haven't used it.

It's hard to describe. She can sound critical or bored or vague or deliberately annoying and she rarely intends any of it.

ThreeLocusts · 03/09/2022 22:39

Odd. Have only read the first page but most responses seem critical. OP it seems quite OK to me, it doesn't take much effort to draw the conclusions.

I'd prefer to be given the reasoning. Much better to know the length of the drive and the starting time than merely being handed a time of departure.

Starseeking · 03/09/2022 22:43

The two of you would drive me crazy; him for his childish spoon-feeding requests that he could easily find out the answer for himself, and you for responding in a way that doesn't actually answer the question!

DelphiniumBlue · 03/09/2022 22:43

He's asking you to go a step further and do the maths. Presumably you haven't already done the calculations when he asks, and there's not a reason why he shouldn't do the the maths rather than you?
If you knew the answer off the top of your head, I expect you'd tell him. Sounds like he wants to be spoonfed.

LimeCheesecake · 03/09/2022 22:43

The only real issue with answering like this is by not starting your “information sharing” part of the answer with “I don’t know” / “I can’t remember” / “I’ve not worked it out yet” - you give the impression that you do know the answer off the top of your head, yet are making him work /wait for the answer as some sort of power trip. Try to train yourself before you start giving him the info to help work out the answer, you say “I don’t know” - that way it doesn’t sound like you are being deliberately difficult and refusing to just tell him.

dh did something similar earlier - he was going out with his hobby and I asked when he’d be back. He started discussing all the various variables that could effect the end time, I had to get the kids organised for something they were doing and didn’t want to waste time stood around while he thought about it. What I needed was for him to say “not sure, I’ll check and let you know.” Or “I will /won’t be back for dinner.”

ShowOfHands · 03/09/2022 22:44

Is this my tea?
I put it in front of you.

Did you watch the news last night?
Tuesdays are whist night.

It's so hard to explain what is different about asking questions of my Mum. She misses nuances or can't feel the ebb and flow of conversation. It's part of her autism and something my niece does too but in a slightly different way.

Original poster
Danceswithkids · 03/09/2022 22:49

SmileyClare · 03/09/2022 22:08

A lot of posters are assuming you do this to teach dh to stop bothering you with “inane” questions, to make a point about your mental load yet you don’t agree op?

I’m finding even your replies on here quite obtuse! You just say it’s “what’s in your head”? and can’t give a definitive reason why you do it.

Perhaps you’re just a very non committal person who dislikes making decisions, or you lack confidence in giving direct replies for fear of being “wrong”?

Most of your examples are maths related which could be where you lack confidence in giving an assertive answer.

I've clearly stated early on I am not doing this to 'get at' DH in any way. I'm just giving him the information he needs to get the answer he wants.

The 'why' I do it is because he needs to know something, so I tell him how/where he can find the answer!

I do hate making decisions, but I don't really see any of these as decisions.

OP posts: