To answer questions this way?

[Danceswithkids]

This is hard to explain but DH will ask me a question, and I give the information I have to hand that can be used to get to the answer but I don't work it out for him. This annoys him because 'Im not answering the question'. I feel I am! For context we have small kids and I am often already doing three things at once when the questions come in.

Examples
him - when do we need to leave to get to the party? me - it's a 40 minute drive and we need to get there at 10:30.
him - what time is the teddy bears picnic? me - it's on the calendar.
him - how many pieces of chicken is my share? me - I cooked 10 between 4 people.
him - do the children need sun hats? me - I checked the forecast earlier and it's going to be sunny all day.

Aibu to answer this way or would your partner answering like this annoy the crap out of you?

My mum is the same. She obsesses over irrelevant details:

Me: I bought these lovely chicken things from asda, you’d love them. Do you want me to get you some?
Mum: Asda? I thought you shopped at Tesco?”
Me: Not always, do you want me to get you some of these chicken things?
Mum: Have you gone off Tesco?”
Me: No, shall I get you some?
Mum: Some what? Breadcakes? 🤦‍♀️

I find “you can decide that/find that out yourself” to be a good response if dh is asking me something that he as a perfectly competent adult should be able to sort without me.

The sun hats from your examples would get tgad response. If your dh is an equal parent, surely he doesn’t need you to tell him that the children need hats and he can decide that himself.

Actually thinking again - the issue is you answer a direct question without an answer - you provide information but not the answer. Obviously he can do the next step and work it out, but he didn’t ask “what time do we need to be there and do you know roughly how long the drive is?” He asked “when do we need to leave?” You didn’t answer the question asked. You answered the question you would have asked, because you would want all the information to be certain your DH was correct in his view about what time you needed to leave.

I find it infuriating when my DH asks what time I'll be back. He'll ask it when I go to the cinema - after we've had diner no dinner arrangements or plans to make. "What time will you be back" I have no idea google the film length if it's important you for god's sake.

My DH is an absolute pain in the arse for this. "What time does this finish?" he asked of me when joining me at a children's magic show the kids were watching in the hotel we were staying in. How the fuck would I honestly know?

He does it over everything. It's infuriating and I always preface it with "I don't know" it doesn't stop him.

On and on with every single thing....DD's standing in a queue to have a hair wrap in a tourist destination. DH, to me "how long does this take?" You have eyes. You can see the queue. You can see the number of children in the queue. You can see roughly how long it is taking for the hair wrap person to attend each child.

Honestly it's tedious and I think some partners use it as a way to deal with their own anxiety and need some kind of mother figure to soothe them, others because they are lazy and have checked out. Others are just thoughtless.

Interesting, as both of those answers seem perfectly fine to me.

Am I correct in thinking the "couldn't live with a twat like me" people would prefer these answers :

Is this my tea?
I put it in front of you, so yes it must be that one.

Did you watch the news last night?
Tuesdays are whist night, so no I couldn't watch it.

No, the answers I'd prefer are

"Is this my tea?"
"Yes"

"Did you watch the news last night?"
"No, was it interesting?"

The answers would be:

Is this my tea?
Yes

Did you watch the news last night?
No. Were there any interesting stories?

Oh OP - can you not see the tea and news things were both not answering the question? You can say “yes” to the tea and “no” to the news. You can just answer the question you’ve been asked. You don’t need to provide other information so the person asking can work the answer out for themselves. Just answer the question.

I'm surprised at the voting outcome and comments. The other adult is asking about things he's equally responsible for and you're sharing the information you have that helps both adults to make decisions. It's also a nice way of not telling another adult what to do, but just providing information.

It would annoy the crap out of me. Why don't you just answer the question? It must take far more mental effort to answer in the way you do.

Oh, I do often say something like your "I don’t know” / “I can’t remember” / “I’ve not worked it out yet” things along with my answer.

My examples were just to give the gist of the kinds of things, not whole conversations.

DH had no problems with my tone/etc, it's the fact that I'm not 'giving him the answer' that drives him batty. (And I think I have!).

Is this my tea?
I put it in front of you, so yes it must be that one.
———-
why do you feel the need to add the sarcasm? Why can’t you just say “yes”?

But I read the answer to the first question as yes and the second as no. So for me it absolutely did answer the question.

(I am taking on board that people find the longer answers annoying! Just saying I don't have a problem with them).

I think your answers are great. You're not being difficult, you're just thinking out loud and enabling him to get to the answer. Why should you do all the thinking / working out!

How can it possibly be more effort to tell someone where I wrote down a time than to drop what I'm doing, go read the time where I wrote it down and relay it to someone else. (Someone who is not doing anything else and can also read!).

How is it more effort to tell someone the journey time and arrival time, than stop what I'm in the middle of, take those two numbers, calculate the answer, and give that to someone who will inevitably follow up by asking for the journey time (because let's face it they will want to know that too).

I'm taking on board that many people find it annoying but it's definitely not harder for me!

There's no sarcasm, you're reading something that isn't there.

Sorry but it reads as sarcastic to me too.

He is adding to you mental and physical load by asking you these questions. He can look at the weather, the calendar, the diary. I think he is being an arse.

Yeah, that’s irritating as fuck. That’s not how normal conversation goes.

It definitely reads as being sarcastic. So again, why can’t you just say “yes”?

It wasn't my example or something I actually said in real life, but going along with it hypothetically I was imagining there were a bunch of cups, I'm asked 'is this my tea?' I try to remember where I put that person's tea, I say 'hm, let me see, I put your tea in front of you'. (and then I was adding the yes to the end as some poster preferred it, but obviously not all).

I must admit I'm struggling to imagine this in real life as I'd have had to make a hell of a lot of cups of tea before I would have to stop think and remember where I had put them, so I almost certainly would just say yes to a question like that.

This is such an interesting thread and really highlights how differently people communicate! I love the answers you give, OP, because I like having the reasons behind the answers as well as the answer. If you'd answered the first question as 9.50 my next question would have been, why, how long does it take to get there?

(This is all separate from the mental load stuff which I can't fucking stand but it doesn't sound like this is about that).

My daughter, who is almost certainly autistic, hates these types of answers and feels like I'm being PA/sarky with her. So for her, I eliminate the thinking out loud and either give her the answer or say I don't know.

OP, I think you are a visual thinker. When he asks you the chicken question are you visually remembering putting the chicken in the oven? When he asks you the sunhat question are you visually remembering checking the forecast on your phone?

Ffs id be livid and would hate to live like this! Op you are being ridiculous!

Then he will have to get used to going through the same steps you go through to obtain the information.

As long as you remain the Keeper of All Knowledge he will treat you as such.

So, DC gets an invitation to a birthday party. Maybe you learn of the invitation first but as soon as you let him know it exists he should ask to see it, make sure he knows the date and time, and start working with you on logistics. Who will be available to buy a present, who will be doing the driving, what else is happening that day? Not getting to the day and expecting everything to have been sorted and simply awaiting instructions.