Cutting down on expenses. AIBU to take DS out of nursery for a year?

[SpicedAutumnPumpkin]

Name changed for that.

With the cost of living crisis already taking a stroll on our household expenses I am getting concerned over what is about to come in the colder months ahead. We are not on a minimum wage by any chance but find that our balance is not looking good after all the deductions at the beginning of the month. We went though those and can't cut down on anything else. For example a deliveroo treat once in 2 weeks is an essential for our mental sanity as we dont go out much. Our rent is about 900 which is very good for the place we rent and we will not find anything cheaper. Everything else just adds up. We don't go on holidays nor do we have any expensive hobbies.

Dh works full time but its a hybrid work with some days from home and I do some part time work online plus studying for a new qualification. We got DD who is 9 and goes to a state school and DS been going to a really lovely nursery for the past year. He is turning 3 in a month time. The fees are quite high and even with the funding available the term after he turns 3 will still leave us with quite a lot of money to pay even for just a few days a week. Especially during holiday times when we do not really need the nursery but have to pay for it anyway and the funding won't be available for those days .

AIBU to be considering taking him out of the nursery for a year till he goes into a state pre school. We used to do that before when my dh and I would replace one another and it worked okish. I can then take him to activities like swimming and football or just playgroups around to meet with other kids.

My friends think that this should be an absolute last resort and I am being unreasonable. But then it won't be them telling my kids that we can't do presents for their upcoming birthdays and Christmas.

You won’t have to pay anything once he’s 3 unless you use breakfast/after school.
My Grandson starts next week, I’ll be taking him/picking up most days precisely so DD doesn’t have to pay, she’s a Teacher, her partner works an hour away. She’ll be saving a fortune, even though he only did 3 days a week in his old nursery.
Unless you live in the back of beyond, you don’t need meals delivered 🙄

I wonder if people are (understandably) panicking because if lots of people pull their children out then nurseries will close.

Because I can't see why you are being unreasonable. Make sure he has some play dates/groups to go to and he will be fine.

(Mine went to nursery (and enjoyed it) as I had to work, but that doesn't mean I think all children must go!)!

The only risk would be losing his space and then realising you needed it (eg if your job changed)

And I think a deliveroo treat is fine! It's clear giving up deliveroo isn't going to magically mean you can afford the nursery fees.

Online teaching is just a temporary solution at the moment as we wouldnt afford a full week at the nursery on top of paying for DD's afterschool club even if I were to work full time. My intention is actually to apply for a PGCE course because I want to teach in primary once I qualify for home fees otherwise its 26.000 pounds for me as a foreign national.

Family situations are all very different. We are a team with my husband and there were reasons why I couldn't work full time for a few years. I am 28 so hoping its not too late to catch up .

Yes but I do not have my parents or my spouses parents to drop off or pick up and look after. He will qualify only in January and they might not have a place for him until August 2023. I do not understand the last judgemental comment. There are plenty of reasons why people might order deliveries. In Asia everything gets delivered to your front door its not because people are lazy its because its 2022!

Not refusing to work full time and holding your DC's social, emotional and educational development back.

What? Not sending your child to nursery holds back their development? Must tell my son's this!

Op, don't worry about it, just pull DC out of nursery, it's a massive saving for you and that money will undoubtedly come in useful, if only for peace of mind. Plus you'll get to spend more time with your child which is lovely.

This comment is ridiculous. Ordering a takeaway every 2 weeks is hardly living the high life

@SpicedAutumnPumpkin I hear you op and I have 3 dcs close together and no family support so thought online teaching was a great plan but when I realised how low the pay in online teaching was , barely min wage sometimes lower after tax!!
It makes sense to do a couple of days in a physical college or school. A pgce is a great plan op , best of luck with it (I did it pre kids at 23 and was wreaked doing it though so make sure you have enough time if you get the course as it’s full on ) .

OP ignore the nonsense replies on here. Nothing wrong with a takeaway once or twice a month, nothing wrong with a child who isn't even 3 yet not going to nursery. Generations of children did absolutely fine without nurseries, in fact when I had mine in the 70s children in fulltime nursery were pitied and the parents judged for having children and sending them off to be looked after by someone else. There was also a bit of a stigma as children who had social services involvement got priority for places.

Your little one clearly has plenty of time to be with other children, you and your husband clearly have jobs that mean you can do this. Starting preschool at 3 almost 4 next year will be absolutely fine.

Enjoy your little one, enjoy your takeaway and I hope the violin goes well.

Lol at stymying a 3yr year old’s development just because she doesn’t go to nursery. Ridiculous! 🤣🤣🤣

The way people turn on each other in times of stress and hardship is why we remain a very tiered society and less fair. The op is not a policy maker. It’s a bit like inter generational dislike, those in powered delight in it.

This quite low key post is a perfect example of herd mentality and people being unduly harsh in times of stress which is the general feel on MN and many swathes of the population currently.

I do understand op how something shared between a couple can have a lot of significance. It can be food, a hobby, little in jokes, many things. Many couples lose themselves because of the pressure of parenting. It’s why you see so many relationships crumble when children become older and people hit mid life. I know two couples who did just that to themselves, you could see it happening. Neither had third party involvement either they just forgot to remember why they got together.

If you can cut down nursery hours and make your take away every three weeks that would be for the best.I would also advise looking at Money Saving Expert. The site has been around for many years but obviously it’s famous now. If any place can save you money it’s that site.

I don't think nursery is essential for a 3 year old if they have other chances to socialise. I didn't start school till 4 nor did others my age, back in the early 70's, and we turned out absolutely fine. It's just something that's come about through necessity because more women had to go to work, and because in some European countries it's the norm to send 3 year olds or even younger full time to nursery. And suddenly it's being marketed as 'essential for a child's development' - that marketing keeps nurseries in business. The government push for early years education is because so many kids are in bad homes where they aren't getting any stimulation or positive attention and nobody gets to see them to check on their welfare and development.

Anyway if it was me, and since your DH can take him out while you work, I would just use your funded hours only and for the rest of the week hang onto your sanity until he starts school :-)

Yep it’s no wonder there are so many divorces when people are expected to sacrifice them self and their relationship with their partner to such a degree

it’s not all about the kids!!

the adults in a household matter just as much

Everyone is struggling, and it isn't your responsibility to prop up the finances of a business and have that guilt on your shoulders. None of us can finance a business at the expense of family life. And they will fill your son's spot with someone else.

OP how dare you live your life differently to the judgemental and shit poor ladies on here. Ordering a deliveroo?? Eating branded fish, My gosh, I ration out baked beans in our house and so should you!

on a serious note though, take a step back and see the majority have said you are NOT being unreasonable. It’s clearly the lesser few who are judging you bcos they are miserable and can’t afford Deliveroo twice a month- heck ever. Those poor (as in penniless) sods living their lives so frugally and without debt through all the amazing money tips they’ve offered on here.

how dare anyone come on here and flaunt their wealth or worse not apologise for it and order deliveroo.

for the record & before you pounce I am in the top 5% of earners in this country. I drive a new car every 4 years, can afford deliveroo twice a week own my own house - could be mortgage free in 8/10 years but heck, I’ll just buy a bigger house bcos why not? And you know what- I’m not sorry. 😊😁😀

Now that should give these miserable women to chew on something for today. welcome

OP, you asked if it's always this brutal on here. The AIBU board can be, yes. Asking AIBU is the chance for judgy people to make a snap decision and rip apart any detail of your original post while ignoring the actual question. Some of the other boards would be less brutal :-)

You're sitting there trying to figure out how to keep your children in nursery and I'm sitting here trying to figure out how to keep mine at home because I don't want her to be away from home just yet. Why do we beat ourselves up like this? Your child will be just fine OP nursery or not. We all make different choices...keeping them at home is fine and sending them to nursery is fine.

This is quite different, that’s just looking forward to a treat, everyone does it. I think the issue is your phrasing, as you stated several times it was essential for both your mental health and also your sanity. Which is much more than looking forward to a treat.

🙌🙌🙌 Thank you for this. We are all only human and trying to do the best we can whilst navigating our way through life.

Good Morning everyone!

If you are only just joining in to sum up :

I am not planning on taking DS out of nursery to sustain my Deliveroo addiction that I use to cover up the real issues with my mental health as well as relationship with my DH.

However, I am considering it as our electricity bills are getting out of control and going on credit cards is not an option

I also do buy my kids presents.

I would find eating the same food cooked by myself or my Dh every day every month and every year a bit depressing. And both of us are good at cooking! Eating good exciting food from other cuisines is something that gives us pleasure and returns us to memories of places we travelled to together. Cooking/baking as well as eating good food is great for mental health. There is no one way for everyone.

Also thats not what this thread is bloody about .

Exactly Op

people just can’t believe you aren’t jumping for joy at the prospect of martyring yourself at the alter of parenthood like they all do

There's is absolutely nothing wrong with your takeaway treat, OP. Ignore those who are making a massive thing of it. Your sanity saver can be anything of your bloody choosing!

Have you looked for term time, mornings only playgroups? I don't know if they exist so much any more but that it what mine did, in a church hall. I got my mornings and they got the socialisation and independence without the expense of paying for school holidays, wraparound care, yoga lessons for toddlers etc.

Hi OP. I'm late to the conversation. It's a shame the thread (and your main question) has been derailed. Posters are always so quick to jump on details, or a slightly clumsy turn of phrase. So in order to answer your question... I think if taking your dc out of nursery is a viable option that won't mess with your work, then of course this is OK. Your dc will have the benefit of preschool next summer, so will have all the advantages of this in time before they start school. And I'm sure they'll love the benefit of extra time with you. It would be a no-brainer for me. I moved house recently, and because of waiting lists etc, my extremely sociable dd (3) had to have a few months without her preschool. I did worry about it a bit (because I'm a mother and feeling guilty seems to be what we do), but of course, she has been absolutely fine. There is no 'one size fits all' rule about this kind of thing. Make the decision that works for your family, in the knowledge that the next few months will fly be, you'll have a lovely time with your little one, and then they'll have another preschool setting to start next year. You're fine. Enjoy your occasional takeaway, as I'm sure nearly every poster on this thread will enjoy the moments, occasional or otherwise, that they prioritise themselves too.

No one prioritises themselves on mumsnet! (Or at least they dont admit it)

it’s not what mothers do!! 😩 the kids come
first ALWAYS