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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cutting down on expenses. AIBU to take DS out of nursery for a year?

243 replies

SpicedAutumnPumpkin · 03/09/2022 13:38

Name changed for that.

With the cost of living crisis already taking a stroll on our household expenses I am getting concerned over what is about to come in the colder months ahead. We are not on a minimum wage by any chance but find that our balance is not looking good after all the deductions at the beginning of the month. We went though those and can't cut down on anything else. For example a deliveroo treat once in 2 weeks is an essential for our mental sanity as we dont go out much. Our rent is about 900 which is very good for the place we rent and we will not find anything cheaper. Everything else just adds up. We don't go on holidays nor do we have any expensive hobbies.

Dh works full time but its a hybrid work with some days from home and I do some part time work online plus studying for a new qualification. We got DD who is 9 and goes to a state school and DS been going to a really lovely nursery for the past year. He is turning 3 in a month time. The fees are quite high and even with the funding available the term after he turns 3 will still leave us with quite a lot of money to pay even for just a few days a week. Especially during holiday times when we do not really need the nursery but have to pay for it anyway and the funding won't be available for those days .

AIBU to be considering taking him out of the nursery for a year till he goes into a state pre school. We used to do that before when my dh and I would replace one another and it worked okish. I can then take him to activities like swimming and football or just playgroups around to meet with other kids.

My friends think that this should be an absolute last resort and I am being unreasonable. But then it won't be them telling my kids that we can't do presents for their upcoming birthdays and Christmas.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 03/09/2022 20:20

Yes - take him out until you qualify for the funding. Order your fortnightly deliveroo.

Lol at people wringing hands at the idea of sacrificing his development for the sake of a takeaway. Seriously?

How do you think children develop in countries where there are no nurseries or child minders around every corner? Where it's full time day are or nothing?

My DCs were home with me until age 4, when they went to preschool for 2.5 hours, four days a week. Their 'development' did not suffer, and no, I didn't spend a fortune on activities or outings. They watched TV, dug in mud, drew with crayons, went to mom and me gym and swim in the YMCA, and played with couch cushions and blanket forts and their toys. They played in the local playground when the weather wasn't too hot or too cold.

mathanxiety · 03/09/2022 20:36

Wrt DD's birthday party:

Make a cake. Invite a few of her closest friends to your home for a movie night. Provide popcorn in fancy popcorn bags and m&ms and lemonade. Everyone goes home at 9pm. Job done, very little spent. Kids of 10 don't need a partypalooza involving the whole class.

LuckySantangelo35 · 03/09/2022 20:53

People on here are just outraged youre not completely martyring and sacrificing yourself to give your kids everything they want OP

LuckySantangelo35 · 03/09/2022 21:27

Doingprettywellthanks · 03/09/2022 16:39

Such as seeing joy on your children’s faces on Christmas morning

having seen @LuckySantangelo35 multiple posts on parenting…. That is not going to be something that washes with her in the slightest

@Upsidedownagain

Haha

well actually I do think kids should have Christmas presents of course I do

so I think they should have hundreds of pounds spent on them for a birthday at the expense of their parents only treat? NOPE

Being a parent doesn’t mean you constantly have to come last all of the time

Lavender2021 · 03/09/2022 21:43

I would check your nursery contact as we have to give three months notice before we leave. So you may have to pay for a few more months anyway.

user1496146479 · 03/09/2022 21:55

GhostFromTheOtherSide · 03/09/2022 15:30

Children don’t need to nursery, parents need their children to go to nursery for childcare reasons. This is why nurseries get away with charging parents extortionate amounts of money to look after their children.

Full time nursery is only a concept which has existed for the past generation, prior to that children managed perfectly well without, and let’s be honest we don’t have a generation of children who are so much more developed than the previous generation.

Children benefit from preschool when they turn 3, but if you don’t have to then I wouldn’t pay exorbitant nursery costs no.

As for the people criticising the OP for using deliveroo, I presume you never buy yourself anything which isn’t a necessity ever? You don’t buy makeup? A bottle of wine once a week? Have netflix? You just have the bear minimum and nothing else ever?

The only reason why OP is being criticised here is because she’s dared to name the treat she has. But I guarantee there is not a single person on this thread who never spends money on something they easily could go without.

There is another thread at the moment, where an OP has been practically berated for not sending her child to nursery, and has disadvantaged them for starting school!!!!

longestlurkerever · 03/09/2022 22:01

My dd1 is 11 now so maybe things have changed but I seem to remember when she was small parents got chastised for "outsourcing parenting" and sending their children to nursery for "long days". Just seems like people are looking for any excuse to put the boot in really

sheepdogdelight · 03/09/2022 22:11

There is another thread at the moment, where an OP has been practically berated for not sending her child to nursery, and has disadvantaged them for starting school!!!!

That OP didn't send her DC to nursery at all before school.
OP is proposing that her DC goes to pre-school for the whole year before he starts school. Not remotely the same.

RayneDance · 03/09/2022 22:21

Op if that's the only reason, to engage with other children then surely it's a no brainer?.
Toddler groups cost a few pounds £1.50 a few years ago for snacks, crafts... rotated toy's each week...lots of other DC to play with.

We had so many around here and each one had a different feel.

Then soft play, parks and so on.
My.dc were out mixing this way for a few hours nearly every day?

RayneDance · 03/09/2022 22:26

Take him out, keep your deliveroo...find local toddler groups and enjoy!!
For Xmas charity shop gifts for him....huge cheap pile and see what older DC wants and compromise a little...

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 03/09/2022 22:31

I think trying to juggle childcare, work and studying would eat into my sanity even more than no deliveroo.

This!

I think it’s absolutely miserable for children to be stuck in the background whilst parents are working. And I mean up to about year 5/6 - so age 10/11. It would be the very last thing I cut - way after deliveroo.

MorganKitten · 03/09/2022 22:35

SpicedAutumnPumpkin · 03/09/2022 18:19

Did you not read a message? I share my takeaway addiction (sorry hahah) with my Dh . Who also loves having let's say a Nepalese or South African meal from his favourite family run place twice a month!. It is his wish and choice too or should I control what he does with his money as well and give him a lecture and show him how much he would save if he doesn't order it?? Surely that's awful.

It is also a support for those places as many of the restaurant closed down where we live in.

Show quote history

You know Deliveroo charges those businesses each order right? If you really want to support them order direct.

ThinWomansBrain · 03/09/2022 22:44

everyone seems to have got very hung up on deliveroo - I don;t use them myself, but say £25-£30? Which presumably doesn't buy many hours of nussery,

Change12345 · 03/09/2022 22:48

If people weren’t being serious this thread would funny! But it’s not, sorry you got so many ridiculous responses OP, especially on the deliveroo! I mean FFS, a take away twice a month is no biggie on the grand scheme of things and it’s nice to look forward to when you literally spend nothing else on luxuries for yourself. Half of the posters berating you for getting a deliveroo are probably half cut on their lambrini - with the expenditure vastly more than your two deliveroos.
I don’t think your DC would miss out developmentally but I know I personally couldn’t cope wfh with DC here for a full year. (Otherwise if need to up my deliveroos to weekly 😉)

Swimmingpoolsally · 03/09/2022 22:49

Op I think your life is very, very different to most, with kids of nine and three and a part time working parent , most don’t feel they can only connect with their partner if they get takeaway. For some reason you and your partner cannot connect when the kids are in bed every night unless you get food delivered and if you d0jt it impacts your mental health.

it seems you don’t understand how unusual this is, and most others don’t understand how it’s possible takeaway is so critical to you for your mental Health and partner connection. Just you’ve an unusual thing going on really.

Summerbreezee · 03/09/2022 23:01

Just here for solidarity OP on your takeaways!! Dh spending money goes on 1 takeaway EVERY week and until we can't afford ANYTHING he will never give it up, as it's his 'treat' 😄

Honestly, 2022 and a fortnightly takeaway is seen as living the high life 🙄

allboysherebutme · 03/09/2022 23:03

Can't you just send him to nursery for the hours you will get free. X

user1496146479 · 03/09/2022 23:05

sheepdogdelight · 03/09/2022 22:11

There is another thread at the moment, where an OP has been practically berated for not sending her child to nursery, and has disadvantaged them for starting school!!!!

That OP didn't send her DC to nursery at all before school.
OP is proposing that her DC goes to pre-school for the whole year before he starts school. Not remotely the same.

@sheepdogdelight
My comment was in response to comments on this thread saying why bother with nursery if you don't need it type comments etc!

Hesma · 03/09/2022 23:06

Deliveroo… seriously????😳🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

felulageller · 03/09/2022 23:34

@Luckysantangelo35

But they don't work hard. OP only does a few hours of online language work per week. They don't need childcare for work.

They aren't an 'out the house 50 + hours a week' working couple.

When you don't work full time you can't afford a full time lifestyle. It's that simple.

LuckySantangelo35 · 03/09/2022 23:57

felulageller · 03/09/2022 23:34

@Luckysantangelo35

But they don't work hard. OP only does a few hours of online language work per week. They don't need childcare for work.

They aren't an 'out the house 50 + hours a week' working couple.

When you don't work full time you can't afford a full time lifestyle. It's that simple.

@felulageller

even if you don’t work full time you still deserve treats

Especially as we’re talking about a couple of takeaways a month, not designer handbags

Original poster
SpicedAutumnPumpkin · 04/09/2022 07:24

Swimmingpoolsally · 03/09/2022 22:49

Op I think your life is very, very different to most, with kids of nine and three and a part time working parent , most don’t feel they can only connect with their partner if they get takeaway. For some reason you and your partner cannot connect when the kids are in bed every night unless you get food delivered and if you d0jt it impacts your mental health.

it seems you don’t understand how unusual this is, and most others don’t understand how it’s possible takeaway is so critical to you for your mental Health and partner connection. Just you’ve an unusual thing going on really.

You are right! This is absolutely unusual. How dare people be different from one another on this planet??? How dare they look forward to different things at the end of the day. For some its a glass of wine or a football game, for others its reading their favourite book or watching a movie and my dh and I enjoy ordering the food we can't cook at home (example dumplings) and having a relaxing dinner together . Complete weirdos indeed.

I literally didn't put it anywhere that it would crush me if we stopped doing that. But why should I deny my DH who works hard and doesn't buy anything for himself this treat? Yes, its good for our relationship to just sit and enjoy a great meal as we connect this way.

OP posts:
CaptainSamCarter · 04/09/2022 07:41

Neither of my children went to nursery until they were entitled to their free hours. Then they went to the nursery attached to the school and I didn't pay for any extra hours etc.

They are now 10 and 7, both with a large group of friends. Because they went to the school nursery we had no issues with them starting school. They even maintained their friendships despite the pandemic.

Take him out OP and put him into a school nursery when you get your hours. He'll be absolutely fine.

justdontkno1 · 04/09/2022 07:53

@SpicedAutumnPumpkin , don’t know why you are getting such a hard time op. Your dc will prob prefer to be with his parents at that age!
One thing I’ll say is online teaching is easy and convenient (I’ve done it and have a pgce, degree , tefl) but it isn’t well paid, after tax it’s more like minimum wage , I’ve worked for lots of online companies but max pay is around €14 per hour (v rarely higher) and then you have to get taxed on that (presumably you are putting it through tax!!) . With the cost of living I’ve moved back to real life teaching as it’s so much better pay, huge difference in income , do you have a pgce op?

justdontkno1 · 04/09/2022 07:59

@SpicedAutumnPumpkin basically you can never make it into a decent job with a proper income doing it , you would always have to have a big full time salary of a partner with it so it’s a bit precarious long term….
That’s the reality with a lot of online teaching companies, I saw jobs advertised recently demanding a degree , post grad etc etc and at €9 euros an hour and that teacher need to also pay tax on that too! Also there’s no rights so no holiday pay, no sick pay, no pension and as a freelancer it’s not a good option long term. I’ve worked in this area a long time as had to do some course design and teaching online etc. so just giving my experience. World of difference with income working in real life schools and colleges.