Son needs a *delicate* operation and I need to lie

[LittlewhitelieLily136]

When my son was born he had one undescended testicle.

He is going to be 7 in October and it STILL hasn't come down by itself (consultant confirmed it is very stuck!) and with covid and everything his op to get it fixed kept getting pushed back and back. (Understandable but annoying for him too!)

Anyway.

He finally finally has an op date and he'll need time off school for it but, well, we haven't said that he's got an undescended testicle publicly.

1. Because it's no-one elses business
2. For his privacy because it might be considered embarrassing - no matter how common it is.

Now we haven't said to our friends and family that ds is having an op yet but we will have to as it won't be taking place in our local hospital and for the time off school.

AiBU to lie about the reason for his op to protect his privacy and self esteem? DS is mature enough to know that one lie leads to more - and I agree with him. I feel bad that I need to lie but I do need to lie for him if that makes sense. I can't stand the thought of him being bullied for this. He already gets bullied.

I also don't know what kind of op to replace it with.

Please advise

It's not necessarily true that matters involving your genitalia require secrecy.

That's how women become ashamed to go for a breastfeeding exam or to talk to a doctor about unusual discharge, and how men end up with serious prostate cancer problems.

We've all moved on from the days of speaking about our bodies in hushed tones and using euphemisms.

mathanxiety so do you share your contraceptive choices, your bowel movements, your sexual activities with your work and family?

All perfectly normal topics which you shouldn't be ashamed off.

Shame and privacy are different and children are entitled to the latter.

Agree with @mam0918 about what will end up affecting your son's self esteem here.

It's your embarrassment and horror and fear of others finding out.

And your apparent inability to deal with your family in an assertive way is not modeling the assertiveness that a child needs in order to keep bullies at bay.

I think you are unpleasant.

@MrMrsRobinsonsHandprints

I always wonder why some people resort to ad hominems directed at those whose opinions differ from theirs.

If any if those 'personal' matters required medical attention that would keep me from work then yes, I certainly would tell people I work with. I would also tell my family; this goes without saying imo, but you seem to think there's some merit to keeping everything under your hat.

In the case of this boy, his medical procedure will keep him from school and will require a certain amount of caution after his return when it comes to physical activity. Of course the school needs to know what's going on.

I have recently had a colonoscopy and a mammogram. My colleagues and family know all of this and know how those exams went. If a follow up to one or both of those exams is necessary they will also very told.

People who don't teach their children to be assertive do them a disservice. Bullies bully because of something wrong within themselves, not because of this or that specific characeristic of the target child. But they do tend to pick on children they know can't stand up for themselves. It's not a given that a child with red hair will be bullied, or one with a lisp, or a child who wears glasses, etc.

If you model helplessness in the face of family's comments about a medical condition you are training your child to be helpless in the face of targeting by other children. If the OP teaches her son that there is nothing that can be done but to keep things secret out if fear of a response shes bot able to deal with, that's the opposite of empowerment. He will encounter difficult people all through his life. He needs to be taught to deal with them.

People who believe you should keep everything about your 'privates' private are training their children to feel nervous about reporting problems involving those body parts.

Men in particular who are trained to believe a problem with their genitals is a reflection on their manhood - or whatever silly ideas are swirling around behind the reticence of the OP - end up suffering for years from ED and go to the doctor too late with prostate cancer (and colon cancer).

@ancientgran, the child has been seen by a doctor for years, yes, but all of the visits and the reason for the visits have been kept secret.

Which of those facts will have a bigger impact on the child, given that it's his own mother who is insisting on the secrecy, and wringing her hands about taking the sensible and responsible step of informing the school of the nature of the operation?

The OP would apparently prefer to jeopardise her son's recovery by participating in PE and rough play at lunchtime (because the school knows no better then to require or permit this) than breathe a word of what's actually happening.

OP. We went through the exact same situation. We told everyone it was a hernia repair. He actually had to have the undescended testicle removed as it was damaged.

He's 13 now. As a family we're all open and honest, no shame in asking questions about sex/puberty etc. He's said to us that he's so glad no one knows about his surgery and that he now has 1 testicle. It's his privates and it's up to him who he tells and when.

You're doing the right thing. Kids talk and tease and your DS has a right to privacy.

I was going to suggest the same thing. But I think you are making a mountain out of a molehill. It's only in the wrong place. He's not missing a testicle at all. It is an extremely common operation.

I would be honest with school, just in case of specific issues with aftercare. My son had to be circumcised this year and we let school know because he needed to wear slightly different uniform afterwards for comfort.
We didn’t tell anyone else other than a minor op and no one asked other than to see if he was ok.

If DS is embarrassed, could you say it’s a hernia op ?

You could say it's a tonsillectomy.

Some staff work hard, my DDs teacher was one of the bullies. DD was attempting suicide at 10.

It hasn't been kept secret from the people who need to know, the doctor, the child, the parents. It is no one else's business.

If you want to discuss your surgeries carry on, if you don't want to you are absolutely entitled to keep it private.

If you don’t share that it’s a bollock, people will assume it’s Gender Reassignment. Come clean.

My DS had to be circumcised for medical reasons at a similar age. I understand it's not the same but I told his pastoral leader and expressed that it was confidential but that I understood his teacher would need to know as he couldn't do gym and to keep an eye out for him, in case anything happened.
The school were great and he was happy knowing that only those who had to be told, knew the situation but also understood why we told them.

I really don’t see what’s wrong with saying he’s having surgery for an undescended testicle. No lies, no potential for gossip by people trying to guess what “minor surgery” he’s having.

@CountryMouse22 why on earth would you say a tonsillectomy? The recovery from that wouldn't mean he has to avoid PE or sitting cross legged on the floor (might need a chair for assembly etc). Or avoid the general rough and tumble of the playground etc. Completely different medical issues.
Honestly - that's just stupid 🙄

So true

I can't understand why people are coming up what are lies.. not vagueness..

Oh we've got it now. It is the victims fault. If only they were assertive, more confident it would all be OK. Obviously throw in a bit of blame as the parents have failed.

I have 4 kids, 2 wouldn't give a damn what you think about their hair, teeth, nose or anything else, 2 are more sensitive and one was badly bullied. They were all brought up the same but this might be a revelation to you but not everyone is the same. Amazing isn't it.

This child knows he needs an op, he's seen a doctor many times, his parents have discussed it with him but they have also demonstrated to him that they respect his privacy so when he is a teenager with a problem he will be able to trust them not to tell anyone else what is worrying him. That is a very positive message for a child. I know that is true as my GS came to me with a problem he felt unable to discuss with his parents, his mother is a HCP and very gung ho, nothing needs to be private so he refused to discuss it with her. He told me because he knows I will tell no one, I went to the GP with him, I went to his referral with him. His parents will never hear it from me. He lives with me, I have custody as he won't go back and all his medical and school records were changed with me and my address and no reference to parents. Beware not respecting a child's privacy.

There's nothing wrong with it if the child is happy with it. Any interesting information you want to share or even if you don't want to share tell us anyway, there's nothing wrong with it.

If you don't want to tell people why he is having an op then don't.

My son has had countless operations on his nads, including for an undescended testicle. He was unconcerned about it and all his friends knew. I don't think there needs to be embarrassment about it.

Theory problem with not telling the truth, is as you say, one lie leads to another... and also in a vacuum of info, people tend to make their own truth, and will probably guess.

This child knows he needs an op, he's seen a doctor many times, his parents have discussed it with him but they have also demonstrated to him that they respect his privacy so when he is a teenager with a problem he will be able to trust them not to tell anyone else what is worrying him. That is a very positive message for a child

Exactly. I don't know how anyone can argue with that.

I've not told my mum anything since I was about nine and she demonstrated that she had no respect for my privacy.

It's losing one's trust in having one's confidences respected that prevents people going to the doctors.

I'm sorry you had that experience. I know it has been very difficult for my GS to deal with and in the end it was the nuclear option for him.

You've reminded me of my DH and his mother's relationship. She had no concept of respecting other people's privacy which was horribly demonstrated when she asked me, in front of my teenage children, if her decision to have him circumcised had affected his sex life. Apparently she had often wondered about it. The kids were hysterical, I was appalled and when I told DH he was furious. He never told her anything.

Re school - children have so many different conditions/ operations etc I can honestly assure you this will be worthy of absolutely zero interest/ comment for staff - they’ve got far more important things to think about. However the after care ( re PE etc) may be an issue if you are not honest about the op. Maybe I’m being naive but even re relatives etc I just don’t think it should be an issue - it’s neither particularly unusual nor remotely shameful / embarrassing - by lying you are surely implying to your son that it is??

math I always wonder about people who resort to blaming the parents when a child gets bullied. If you can not see why I found your post unpleasant then there is little point in continuing.

Many have posted on here with a different opinion, I respect those opinions, however your personal attack on the op and general victim blaming, which is a theme of your replies I will never agree with.