Son needs a *delicate* operation and I need to lie

[LittlewhitelieLily136]

When my son was born he had one undescended testicle.

He is going to be 7 in October and it STILL hasn't come down by itself (consultant confirmed it is very stuck!) and with covid and everything his op to get it fixed kept getting pushed back and back. (Understandable but annoying for him too!)

Anyway.

He finally finally has an op date and he'll need time off school for it but, well, we haven't said that he's got an undescended testicle publicly.

1. Because it's no-one elses business
2. For his privacy because it might be considered embarrassing - no matter how common it is.

Now we haven't said to our friends and family that ds is having an op yet but we will have to as it won't be taking place in our local hospital and for the time off school.

AiBU to lie about the reason for his op to protect his privacy and self esteem? DS is mature enough to know that one lie leads to more - and I agree with him. I feel bad that I need to lie but I do need to lie for him if that makes sense. I can't stand the thought of him being bullied for this. He already gets bullied.

I also don't know what kind of op to replace it with.

Please advise

I haven't read all the responses OP but I note you said your family has problems with boundaries but it is for you to reinforce those boundaries.

The school do not need to know the reason for the operation and nor should they ask. If extended family need to know he is having an op then you should be able to simply say he needs a minor op but don't wish to share the details then rebut any further questions. You shouldn't have to tell out right lies to protect your sons privacy and you are doing much to teach him about healthy boundaries.

slightly off topic but I was impressed that Ds secondary school had people from the chairty oddballs in last year talking to the children about the importance of checking yourself and not being ashamed. Hopefully the culture can change.

School needs to know. Everyone else it's just medical absence. No-one else apart from the school has any need to know diagnosis or treatment. None of their business. Don't feel you need to account to people you don't need to account to.

What rubbish. This child has been seen regularly by a doctor, you know one of the people he would need to go to for medical help and advice so no indication whatsoever that this would stop him seeing a doctor if he needed to. Men need to feel comfortable about getting medical help if they have a problem, they don't need to feel that they have some obligation to tell anyone else.

As so often gran speaks sense.

It could equally be argued that the reason men do not get help as adults is because their parents embarrassed them as children by sharing private medical information and that it has taken 10 years to shake the nickname 'one ball Billy' so they'd rather not see a doctor as an adult

dont be silly,
the parents are not sharing the inforamtion with all and sundry
purely with the school
one ball billy indeed

All my letters say what the appointment is for……

Yes that sort of thing can be traumatising for a child, like the previous poster who was embarrassed about constipation.

As I said,your employer doesn't have the right to know exactly what for. I suppose if that's the only proof of appt you have then you could photocopy the letter and block the details out.

Two of my sons had similar operations. I had the same concerns but they didn't care in the slightest who knew. Nobody teased them. You're over thinking it

As so often gran speaks sense.It could equally be argued that the reason men do not get help as adults is because their parents embarrassed them as children by sharing private medical information and that it has taken 10 years to shake the nickname 'one ball Billy' so they'd rather not see a doctor as an adult

Don't be so silly. @ancientgran is not talking any sense.

The child in question is having his testicle sorted out not removed.

And the main point is that his mother is ashamed, emabrrassed, prudish, whatever, about telling his school teacher. The teacher will need to know for PE.

It is FAR more damaging to create shame and embarrassment about balls and willies than worry about some other school kids poking fun (and I've never come across this in 40 years of teaching. Most kids are matter of fact and don't make a fuss over this sort of thing- especially at 6!)

A child will be with his family for 18 years. Their attitudes to sex and body parts will have far more impact on the child's behaviour as an adult than a medical examination by a dr when at 6 years old. The examination is clinical in a clinical setting. The attitudes of the parents (this mother) are going to impact in a psychological way.

Children on the whole are very sensible about medical stuff especially before puberty.

The problem here is the mother is projecting her own embarrassment and unhealthy attitude to genitals onto her child.

My nephew had the same.

Clicked post too soon.

My nephew had the same and the school were great. They made sure he took it easy and gave football a miss for a week or two.

I'd be inclined to agree with @Iknowthis1

I doubt he'd be teased at all.

Men need to feel comfortable about getting medical help if they have a problem, they don't need to feel that they have some obligation to tell anyone else.

Absolutely this.
I know some very private medical stuff about a male teen relative of mine which I think it's totally out of order that I know. Nothing dangerous or requiring my to know.

Yet his parents told the whole family details. Just gossiping mixed with no privacy boundaries, like children don't have a right to privacy and it's public knowledge.

It's completely ridiculous that I know his gynaecological medical situation. I wouldn't tell him the details of my contraceptive choices and I'm not ashamed about those.

Huge difference between shame and privacy.

Huge difference between shame and privacy is so true. I had horrendous piles after my youngest was born, I wasn't ashamed of them, why would I be? I didn't discuss them with anyone except DH (more moaning than discussing) and HCP. The fact that I didn't want to tell Fred and no 27 about my piles didn't stop me getting the right medical advice.

Someone else might feel fine discussing their piles with all and sundry and that' fine too.

You do realise that some children get teased for all sorts of things? One of mine wore glasses from age 3, he got teased, the favourite taunt in primary school was to call out "Fit the best, Fit Everest" which was a TV advert for double glaziing at the time and he got tired of it. My kids are mixed race DD got teased about her nose and lips. Some kids who look just like her or who wear glasses won't get teased, good for them but the OP knows more about the kids at the school her child goes to than you do.

No one is going to bully or tease a small child about the fact he’s got a problem with one of his testicles . Just say he’s having a minor operation and that’s that. You don’t need to lie and say it’s something else. It’s an operation and that’s it. Don’t make a song and dance about it.

Its really not a big deal.My nephew had the same operation. What is there to be embarrassed about? You are teaching your son to keep secrets about his body and to be ashamed.

Why did my 4 year old get bullied about his eye patch, then his glasses. Children get teased for all sorts, it varies and you can't possibly know if he will get bullied or not. How about you bet your most valuable asset (house/car/pension fund) on him not getting bullied. I bet you wouldn't risk that but you expect the OP to risk her child.

I got bullied because of my red hair, my mixed race daughter got bullied about her nose. Kids can be vile. I can't believe how many adults on here live in some sort of bubble where they don't believe kids get bullied.

She's respecting his privacy.

I can't believe how many adults on here live in some sort of bubble where they don't believe kids get bullied

This. I'm a retired teacher and anyone who thinks that children don't get teased (at best) or bullied (at worst) about differences in appearance, or anything remotely to do with genitalia, is kidding themselves.

Some children have either the playground standing or the force of nature to not let it bother them. Some have only one of those things or neither. This does not make them lesser people, but it does make them more vulnerable. It sounds like op's son is one of them, so she is wise to limit the level of detail that his classmates get to know.

The level of smugness (MY kid had no trouble) and naivety (no one will tease/bully him over a well known minor op) on here is ridiculous.

👏👏👏👏

I can't believe how many adults on here live in some sort of bubble where they don't believe kids get bullied

Children do get bullied and as staff we work hard to solve the issue BUT OPs son won’t be bullied about his operation unless HE tells the other children. The school staff aren’t going to tell any children!

I agree with @EnidSpyton

I think your thought process here is really weird. You've been keeping this a big secret for seven years - so strange.

Do you really think your family would talk about this non stop and in a mean way if you talked to them openly about it? Would they have kept it up from babyhood to now if you had told them initially?

Tell your family.
Tell the school.
Teach your son to deal with people asking questions he doesn't want to answer. Or teach him to answer if he wants to.

The school needs to know the truth, for his safety. He may need to miss PE/swimming and avoid riding a bike, football and wrestling around in the playground (like boys do) for a few days.

For his pals and anyone else you/ he can just say "I got a little cut that needed a couple of stitches " .

If pressed, "I was playing with the dog/on my bike /on a slide.

I suggest you invest in some baggy loose cotton boxer shorts.