Son needs a *delicate* operation and I need to lie

[LittlewhitelieLily136]

When my son was born he had one undescended testicle.

He is going to be 7 in October and it STILL hasn't come down by itself (consultant confirmed it is very stuck!) and with covid and everything his op to get it fixed kept getting pushed back and back. (Understandable but annoying for him too!)

Anyway.

He finally finally has an op date and he'll need time off school for it but, well, we haven't said that he's got an undescended testicle publicly.

1. Because it's no-one elses business
2. For his privacy because it might be considered embarrassing - no matter how common it is.

Now we haven't said to our friends and family that ds is having an op yet but we will have to as it won't be taking place in our local hospital and for the time off school.

AiBU to lie about the reason for his op to protect his privacy and self esteem? DS is mature enough to know that one lie leads to more - and I agree with him. I feel bad that I need to lie but I do need to lie for him if that makes sense. I can't stand the thought of him being bullied for this. He already gets bullied.

I also don't know what kind of op to replace it with.

Please advise

He could tell his friends it’s a hernia op. I’d imagine you’d tell adults the truth though. But at the end of the day, it’s your private life and your decision

Wrong. The school absolutely do need to know the details because ordinary activity like sitting cross-legged, not just PE, can affect the situation. The school needs accurate medical records, and they absolutely DO need to know the details. It is vital.

The parent will tell the school what the boy can and cannot do on returning.

I taught for forty years, and as long as I had clear instructions as to what activities a child could or couldn't do (or any significant pain that the parent wanted to be informed of) then I did not consider that my position entitled me to the exact details of the condition and the operation.

Summertime I was told, sometimes I was not.
I was shocked at how nosy some of my colleagues could be. You sound like one of them.

Summertime? Sometimes!

It has nothing to do with being 'nosy'. You sound like one of those teachers who cut corners and wasn't professional. The school needs accurate medical records. Numerous people in this thread have already said why. Sometimes activities happen that the parents wouldn't think would be a problem, whereas teachers are more aware. The information is vital. It is not about being 'nosy'. It's about being professional and Safeguarding and Duty of Care, which luckily my school took seriously, even if some where you are don't.

No. They are not medically qualified to assess what can and cannot be done based on a particular procedure. Non-medical professionals trying to make those judgements is how people get injured, because they are not competent to assess.

They just need to be told what can and cannot be done. Then act on that information.

Spot on.

Teachers are not qualified to interpret medical records and if they are trying to do so then that is a safeguarding issue itself.

The point is activities at school can present risk that the parents haven't even thought of. Which is why teachers, who are used to common surgeries like the OP's sons, will have been through it with students before and will assess the activities of the day accordingly. Which is why teachers need to know.

No one said anything about 'interpreting' medical records.

*KindergartenKop · Today 10:23

Just say he's having an orchidectomy or whatever the medical word is. Teacher won't have time to Google it.*

don't follow this ridiculous advice.

I used to be a teacher - I know perfectly well what an orchidectomy is, why would you assume we are all completely thick ?

Also it would just be another lie - op's child is having an operation to resolve an undescended testicle, this is often a simple procedure and does not involve an orchidectomy, which is the removal of one or both testicles.

Op - your son has a right to privacy and as his mother you are the best judge of whether revealing his operation will bother him or not. He is old enough to have his feelings taken account of and it sounds as if he would prefer to keep the information private. Personally I would not worry about telling the school - they will not reveal the nature of his op to anyone, tell them you want it kept private (they would have no reason to discuss it with anyone anyway - I would never have discussed anything personal about my pupils to anyone - it is a total breach of trust and extremely unprofessional.) If you think it may be helpful for his teacher to know, if he needs any special care when he goes back to school, then I would tell her/him.
But if you don't want anyone to know then just say 'a minor op' and if they push just repeat ' a minor op'. End of topic.

I taught for forty years, and as long as I had clear instructions as to what activities a child could or couldn't do (or any significant pain that the parent wanted to be informed of) then I did not consider that my position entitled me to the exact details of the condition and the operation.

Actually don't see why that's not a way forward for the OP.

Though IME if people don't understand the reason they can and do ignore hence why we were so open but OP may have much better experience.

Though I'm bitter number of times and shear effort it taken to get extra inhalers, spacers talk to people fill forms- remind staff they need to take them on trips - everyone nods and then ignores forget to take on trips out or frequently lose in school somewhere but refuse to let him carry himself - huge relief when he hit secondary and could just have it with him.

I think you’re right not to give too much detail to other people, including school.

When I was about 12 or 13, I had chronic constipation issues. I was off school for a fortnight. They were eventually sorted, but back then a parent had to write a note to the teacher explaining why you’d been off, and you took it with you into school on your first day back. My mum was short and to the point ‘WellTidy has been off school due to chronic constipation’. Teacher opened the note, read it, nothing was said, and it went into the register. Fellow pupil then walked the register back to the school office and read the note on the way. And then told the whole form. Mortifying.

My mum also told two of her friends about it. Who then, god knows why, asked me about it multiple times! Hugely mortifying.

I wish she’d just said ‘WellTidy has been experiencing digestion issues which are now resolved’ or something like that.

Also it would just be another lie - op's child is having an operation to resolve an undescended testicle, this is often a simple procedure and does not involve an orchidectomy, which is the removal of one or both testicles.

See, I was told the opposite and that unless addressed early in the child’s life then the undescended testicle would most likely have to be removed as it would probably have died. It was explained to me that testicles are on the outside of the body because internal body heat would destroy them so I was told the longer the testicle remains inside the body the higher the chance it would need to be removed as it was more than likely to be damaged beyond repair.

I went to the GP with concerns around my son when he was about 10 months old as his scrotum looked unbalanced and the whole diagnosis unravelled from there. He was just under two years old when he had his operation and the surgeon was very honest with me and said that it was highly likely when they found the testicle it would be dead tissue and would have to be removed (because of how long it had been inside the body as opposed to outside of it).

This was 6 years ago though so advice, treatments and diagnoses may have changed.

I am a Paeds Nurse and work on a ward for infants aged 0-2 and we see 1-2 patients come through a month to have surgery for undescended testicles and the children are more often than not about 12 months old as it is acted upon relatively quickly after birth for the reasons above.

We have been told our son can have a prosthetic testicle when he reaches 18 if he wants to, but the surgeon said it’s very rare that men choose this option because by that point it’s become so normal for them to only have one testicle anyway. I suppose that decision will depend a lot on how the lack of two testicles affects the man’s confidence.

Haven't read the thread but were once in exactly the same situation at you. School doesn't need to know anything beyond he's having a minor operation and needs to be off games for a week or whatever your consultant recommends. Relatives don't need to know. FGS. There is such a thing as privacy and discretion!!!

Unfortunately, while it may be an undescended testicle it is also possible that there isn't anything viable so what there is might need to be removed and then he will have one testicle (still fine re having kids in later life), this is what happened to our DS, they couldn't tell until they did the operation.

For all of you who are saying there is no shame in it etc, of course there isn't, but this doesn't mean that people won't take the piss and why would you want to expose him to that, particularly if the poor kid winds up with one testicle? Have you ever met a bunch of 14 yo boys? My son's consultant told us of the teenage boy who told everyone and never lived it down, and eventually came to him requesting a cosmetic insert. Yes of course he shouldn't be ashamed of it but people don't need to know.

We've kept it quiet (even from his siblings), it's his thing to tell people, if he wants to, in later life. We even asked him if he had one leg or one arm would be prefer people to know or not know? And he said he'd prefer people to not know. And obviously we had the conversation about there would be nothing wrong with having one arm etc, but he decided not to speak about it anyway. He's a very happy and energetic boy, I can't see that he has been affected by it at all, he's too young to be interested in thinking or worrying about his privates! But at least when this time comes (as I'm sure it will), he will be in control of who knows what about it, he won't have moved up to senior school with a bunch of other kids who think it funny to banter about it. This isn't to say that teachers will let it slip, just a thought on what might happen if you go down the path of less discretion. In any case hopefully the operation will be a success and he won't have the same result as our DS.

Still, I would just tell the school the restrictions and advice that your consultant gives you re daily activities that should be curtailed. Good luck with the operation xx

Yep!

So prissy and weird.

It's just his testicle. Nothing to be ashamed of.

You would need to tell the school as he won’t be doing games for a good few weeks. I work in a boys school and this is exactly what we need to know just in case something happens whilst he’s at school and any adjustments that need doing to make him comfortable. It’s not something that is shared amongst his friends, it’s so the staff know.
One parent failed to mention that her son had a serious medical condition, like it was something to be ashamed of. Really stupid decision. He’s getting the support now and the school is there for him 100%.
You need to school’s support and I agree, you shouldn’t be hiding the fact that he’s having a ‘delicate’ 🙄 op.

No. They are not medically qualified to assess what can and cannot be done based on a particular procedure. Non-medical professionals trying to make those judgements is how people get injured, because they are not competent to assess.They just need to be told what can and cannot be done. Then act on that information

I despair at the lack of critical thinking here.

No one has said the teacher will assess him.

Where's that comment come from?

As a former and very experienced teacher, across all age groups, I'd want to know what op a 7 year old had.

I would not expect to make a decision on his after-care but would expect the parent to share the dr's advice.

If it's 'delicate' most adults will work out it's either his scrotum/ testicles or penis.

As for the poster who said she was outed by a letter in the register for being off school for severe constipation! You're still thinking about this, decades later?

1 A teacher ought not to hand over a register containing confidential info.

2 A pupil ought not to read it.

3 You ought to get over being embarrassed by constipation!

My mum also told two of her friends about it. Who then, god knows why, asked me about it multiple times! Hugely mortifying.

Mortifying?

What a sheltered life you have led @WellTidy if having adult friends of your mum know you had constipation.

MN is a weird and wonderful insight into all kinds of people!

His privacy should still be respected regardless of what the operation is. One of my sons had an operation when he was younger than the OPs son, if anyone asked him about it he said he was going to be bionic (the six million dollar man was big at the time) and that was the information he was happy to share. I never felt the need to disclose anything else. His operation was on his head so nothing to do with genitals.

Which is why teachers, who are used to common surgeries like the OP's sons, will have been through

Are we (the general 'We') fuck.

Talk about a little learning being a dangerous thing. You have SUCH a high opinion of yourself.
As teachers, when a child returns to school after an illness or surgery, we do as we are told, by the parents and/or doctor. We do not go deciding what we think best based on the name of an operation. For goodness sake, have some humility. So much depends on how it went and the patient themselves. Only the doctor and parents know that, and we follow their instructions. Anything else is dangerous arrogance.

Absolutely. You only have to read about CS on here, one mum will say she was up and about within a day and another will say she wasn't back to normal for months. People heal differently, operations for the same condition can vary. No way should teachers be deciding what a child should or shouldn't be doing. They need to do what the parent/doctor says.

Teachers shouldn’t be deciding, but them having a rough idea of what the procedure has been helps them know when their is a potential problem afterwards. If when he is back at school he isn’t comfy sitting on the carpet, or he gets hit by a ball and says it hurts the teacher will know why and be able to respond appropriately.

when someone is in loco parentis it really is useful for them to have a basic idea of what’s happening.

Howay man, please read upthread to the poster who put this perfectly. THIS IS THE REASON MEN DO NOT GET MEDICAL HELP WHEN THEY NEED IT. Its ingrained by parents like you needing to keep things 'private'.

For all of you who are saying there is no shame in it etc, of course there isn't, but this doesn't mean that people won't take the piss and why would you want to expose him to that, particularly if the poor kid winds up with one testicle?

My son “wound up” up with one testicle and I can assure you he isn’t a “poor kid” because of it.