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AIBU?

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Original poster

Husband being big billy balls bollocks

284 replies

Walkingtothecrucifix · 02/09/2022 23:38

I think i will get crucified here…but here we go.

Hubby and i always been relatively high earners and happen to earn the same. We have a 6 month old son and i will be returning to work shortly.

Husband has recently been offered a new job, double salary, and has started saying this means he wont be able to partake in the nursery pick up/drop offs that will be required. I get that its a new job and he has to prove himself, but am i being unreasonable stating that my career has value too?

Im at a loss as what to say, bearing in mind my work means i leave home at 8 and back by 6:15. Whilst he works from home yet too busy to do the nursery run…

OP posts:
Fairylightsongs · 03/09/2022 10:50

mrsplum2015 · 03/09/2022 10:49

No, not everyone does want to stay at home, but an extra six months off work for the OP if possible might allow this situation to bed down. Often the first three months in a new job take a lot of effort and head space to learn and be available to prove yourself.

If her DH has the opportunity to get into the new role while she's at home then it might all look a lot easier when it's time for her to go back to work. Once he's in the role and established he may quite feasibly be able to negotiate more flexibility.

It sounds like a very young baby, wife returning to work, husband starting new much bigger job all at once is not going to be easy for anyone.

Eh she and her career are equal. She can go back to work as she pleases. The 1950s called they want to know where you wandered off to.

Chowbellow · 03/09/2022 10:52

mrsplum2015 · 03/09/2022 10:49

No, not everyone does want to stay at home, but an extra six months off work for the OP if possible might allow this situation to bed down. Often the first three months in a new job take a lot of effort and head space to learn and be available to prove yourself.

If her DH has the opportunity to get into the new role while she's at home then it might all look a lot easier when it's time for her to go back to work. Once he's in the role and established he may quite feasibly be able to negotiate more flexibility.

It sounds like a very young baby, wife returning to work, husband starting new much bigger job all at once is not going to be easy for anyone.

With the right childcare, it's a breeze!
I nearly lost my marbles at home for the first 6 months. If I hadn't gone back to work, I'm pretty sure that me and my marbles would have parted ways. 😃

mrsplum2015 · 03/09/2022 10:54

Of course they are equal
But she had said to her partner she is happy for him to take this job. Why wouldn't she be happy to support him settle into it?
She doesn't have to take extra time off but god forbid she might enjoy it and it might make life easier for their whole family.

I just don't get this whole his career vs hers. People I know work as teams in marriage. One or other may take a bigger role with the kids (husband or wife) or a career (husband or wife) but it's part of the overall whole.

LadyGAgain · 03/09/2022 10:55

I've heard of mannies, is a banny bi-sexual? 😉

Hahahahaha!! Friday night wine and the B next to the N Grin

Chowbellow · 03/09/2022 10:58

The first week of a new job is horrendous. The first 3 months is a learning curve. But if you're going to dictate your career around children, no parent would ever work.

There's nothing wrong with any childcare set-up. There are pros and cons to all types of parenting/childcare/careers.
While Billy big balls is advancing his career, Wifey is stuck holding the baby. You can be a brilliant parent AND have a career. I found my time with my dd to be precious when I went back to work. I was happier. I didn't feel the drudgery of it. We had more money for outings and trips and whatever whatever.

LannieDuck · 03/09/2022 10:58

Walkingtothecrucifix · 02/09/2022 23:48

Appreciate everyones replies. I hadn’t actually considered outside help, so maybe this is what i need to look into

No, he needs to look into it, since he's the one who can't cover his share of the nursery runs. Why would this default to you having to sort it?

Fairylightsongs · 03/09/2022 10:58

mrsplum2015 · 03/09/2022 10:54

Of course they are equal
But she had said to her partner she is happy for him to take this job. Why wouldn't she be happy to support him settle into it?
She doesn't have to take extra time off but god forbid she might enjoy it and it might make life easier for their whole family.

I just don't get this whole his career vs hers. People I know work as teams in marriage. One or other may take a bigger role with the kids (husband or wife) or a career (husband or wife) but it's part of the overall whole.

Um what’`? Being happy for him to take the job and to support him doesn’t mean she’s to play little wifey, put hers on back burner and stay home for another six months for goodness sake. Support is a two way thing. Paid child care is a thing. Dual career is a thing. Being a team doesn’t mean staying home. Good grief.

mrsplum2015 · 03/09/2022 10:58

I guess I've been lucky. Ive always had lots of friends and money to go out and enjoy time with the kids so staying at home was like a holiday!

Appreciate some people don't have that experience and then they work together as a partnership to sort things out.

He doesn't have to do pick ups to be a good dad. I haven't read anything that suggests he doesn't pull his weight in other ways, just sounds a bit naive and clueless. The OP has asked for other perspectives and hasn't even considered a nanny. She may not have thought that an extra few months off was a possibility either.

Chowbellow · 03/09/2022 11:00

LannieDuck · 03/09/2022 10:58

No, he needs to look into it, since he's the one who can't cover his share of the nursery runs. Why would this default to you having to sort it?

Show quote history

Because she might be interested to know who is looking after her 6 month old baby?

Chowbellow · 03/09/2022 11:01

mrsplum2015 · 03/09/2022 10:58

I guess I've been lucky. Ive always had lots of friends and money to go out and enjoy time with the kids so staying at home was like a holiday!

Appreciate some people don't have that experience and then they work together as a partnership to sort things out.

He doesn't have to do pick ups to be a good dad. I haven't read anything that suggests he doesn't pull his weight in other ways, just sounds a bit naive and clueless. The OP has asked for other perspectives and hasn't even considered a nanny. She may not have thought that an extra few months off was a possibility either.

Yes, she sounds totally thick? 🙄

mrsplum2015 · 03/09/2022 11:01

No of course being a team doesn't mean the wife staying at home.

If he's established in a new job when they have their second he could take the paternity leave while she stays at work full time. It's just looking at a situation practically and seeing what might be the best thing for everyone.

I don't understand how people coparent when their so fixated on their own needs, man or woman.

Fairylightsongs · 03/09/2022 11:02

I guess I've been lucky. Ive always had lots of friends and money to go out and enjoy time with the kids so staying at home was like a holiday

how does having lots of money and friends making being a sahp Seem like a holiday?

Chowbellow · 03/09/2022 11:03

mrsplum2015 · 03/09/2022 11:01

No of course being a team doesn't mean the wife staying at home.

If he's established in a new job when they have their second he could take the paternity leave while she stays at work full time. It's just looking at a situation practically and seeing what might be the best thing for everyone.

I don't understand how people coparent when their so fixated on their own needs, man or woman.

Your needs were met presumably by a husband who worked his arse off so that you could swan around?

Fairylightsongs · 03/09/2022 11:04

mrsplum2015 · 03/09/2022 11:01

No of course being a team doesn't mean the wife staying at home.

If he's established in a new job when they have their second he could take the paternity leave while she stays at work full time. It's just looking at a situation practically and seeing what might be the best thing for everyone.

I don't understand how people coparent when their so fixated on their own needs, man or woman.

She’s not fixated on her own needs. She doesn’t need to stay home. What’s your obsession with this`? All their needs can easily be met and she can still work.

mrsplum2015 · 03/09/2022 11:06

how does having lots of money and friends making being a sahp Seem like a holiday?

Because I didn't have to work full time, being off work felt like a holiday! I made plans and was out and about with friends all the time doing fun things with the kids. If I didn't have friends or money I could see how I might have been stuck at home and bored.

Fairylightsongs · 03/09/2022 11:08

mrsplum2015 · 03/09/2022 11:06

how does having lots of money and friends making being a sahp Seem like a holiday?

Because I didn't have to work full time, being off work felt like a holiday! I made plans and was out and about with friends all the time doing fun things with the kids. If I didn't have friends or money I could see how I might have been stuck at home and bored.

You do understand as women many of us want to work full time? That our careers are important to us`?

Forestgate · 03/09/2022 11:08

Sounds like you need a nanny. If neither of you can do it, neither of you can do it. Not unreasonable from either of you.

mrsplum2015 · 03/09/2022 11:08

I don't have an obsession it's just a possible idea which might make their life easier.

The nanny would work equally well as long as they find someone reliable.

I just don't get why it has to be his career vs hers and viewed as a battle. She takes time off now, he takes time off later if required when he's settled into this job.

Fairylightsongs · 03/09/2022 11:10

mrsplum2015 · 03/09/2022 11:08

I don't have an obsession it's just a possible idea which might make their life easier.

The nanny would work equally well as long as they find someone reliable.

I just don't get why it has to be his career vs hers and viewed as a battle. She takes time off now, he takes time off later if required when he's settled into this job.

It’s only you that’s making it her career v his. Every one else is saying they can both have a career.

mrsplum2015 · 03/09/2022 11:10

Absolutely I understand people want to work full time, as I do now and have done since my youngest was 7.

Again I was lucky that I could hold a career part time and pick up where I left off. Taking time off wasn't particularly disadvantageous; but I understand in some roles, or where people are newer to careers, they can't do that and nor do some people want to.

mrsplum2015 · 03/09/2022 11:13

It’s only you that’s making it her career v his. Every one else is saying they can both have a career.

It's just the attitude of "tell him this", "don't let him get away with that", rather than people showing any understanding the guy is doubling his income so assume the job is a lot bigger, and saying he can't do what he initially suggested, so my view is they work together to solve a problem whereas there are a lot of comments suggesting she put more pressure back on him.

mrsplum2015 · 03/09/2022 11:14

Your needs were met presumably by a husband who worked his arse off so that you could swan around?

Correct! But he was happy to support me having that time with the kids as we both felt it was valuable.

Equally he is now taking a career break to spend more time with the kids and I am paying him child support so he can swan around 😂

Chowbellow · 03/09/2022 11:17

mrsplum2015 · 03/09/2022 11:14

Your needs were met presumably by a husband who worked his arse off so that you could swan around?

Correct! But he was happy to support me having that time with the kids as we both felt it was valuable.

Equally he is now taking a career break to spend more time with the kids and I am paying him child support so he can swan around 😂

You mean he left you?

mrsplum2015 · 03/09/2022 11:19

No I left him!

Chowbellow · 03/09/2022 11:22

mrsplum2015 · 03/09/2022 11:19

No I left him!

Once your needs are being met.............

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